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Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010

Never get caught up in the whimsical fantasies
of the rich. Unless these fantasies involve
trips to exotic places, man-whores and spankings.

(Stephanie Shiner-Thompson)

I believe that when one door closes, another opens.
On the one hand, my dad's memory is completely shot.
On the other hand, I get to collect the $50
he owes me every day for the rest of his life.

(Michael Cunningham)

My girlfriend must be pretty impressed with
my member, because every night she covers
it in relish. That's quite a condiment, huh?

(Dennis Hoerig)

Since beef is "What's for Dinner" and pork is
the "Other White Meat," I think the poultry
industry should trademark "Chicken: What
Everything Exotic or Visually Off-Putting
Ultimately Tastes Like — Only Cheaper!"

(Mark D. Sabien)

If I were a superhero, maybe I'd be Cuticle Man,
and my side-kick might be Rubber Finger Sleeves.
We'd do battle against Hangnail and Paper Cut
and their Citrus Juice Blaster, because only
a real he-man could face that level of pain.

(Joseph Moore)

There's a movie called The Ring about a
video that kills you if you watch it. If I ever
saw such a video, my last words would be,
"It was STILL better than Kangaroo Jack!"

(Scott E. Frank)

Here's something really cool for fans of the
video game Thief: Whenever you encounter the
guards, DON'T kill them — instead, just knock
them out. That way, next time you play the
game (this is SO cool), the guards will have come
to and you can knock them out all over again!

(Walter Means)

I think Ghandi and I probably
have a lot in common. After all,
we both spent time in prison.

(Tom Sims)

When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few
days gave me a cool Don Johnson/Miami Vice look.
Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends
to make me look more like Otis from Mayberry.

(Tom Gray)

If there's one thing I've learned, it's
to never ask a woman if she's pregnant.
But if you do, by all means, never
follow it up with, "Are you sure?"

(Greg Peacock)

I fully support the legalization of marijuana.
It's a natural substance, just like cyanide, and
it has a similar effect on people's ability
to compete with me for jobs and women.

(Andy Ihnatko)

If I were a caveman, I'd find someone's drinking
coconut and poke a hole in the side of it — instant
dribble glass! I could also use a saber-tooth tiger
bladder to make a whoopee cushion, but something
tells me that cave folks weren't very sheepish about
passing gas, so the joke might be lost on them.

(Donald )

I thought I was addicted to the Internet,
but the therapist at psychobabble.com says
it's just a phase I'm going through.

(Clynch Varnadore)

Does my bologna have a first name in order to
better communicate with the other cold cuts in
the refrigerator? So far, the only other meat
I am aware of that has a first name is Frank.

(Carolyn Mansager)

What is it with all these ads that say
"Get the credit you deserve"? I don't
want the credit *I* deserve, I want the
credit someone with good credit deserves!

(Clynch Varnadore)

With the success of his grills combined
with his age, it's only a matter of time
till we see a George Foreman Lean Mean
Cremation Machine
hit the marketplace.

(John Gephart IV)

How could they fire me?!? Putting "Ottoman
Empire expert" on my resume as a euphemism
for "couch potato" wasn't being dishonest!

(J. Murphy)

Of all the nicknames I had in high school,
I think "Fat-ass, worthless, greasy,
pizza-face waste of skin" was the worst.
Either that or "Spud."

(Allen Lindsey)

I never understood why they call it
"getting lucky" when it has nothing
to do with luck and everything
to do with a crisp new $100 bill.

(Kim Moser)

I bet I'd stop finding grasshoppers so
amusing if they were 100 times bigger
and had baseball bats. Unless
the baseball bats were only 1/8" long,
of course — that would be hilarious.

(John Gephart IV)

I bet those gangsta rappers aren't such tough
guys. Hell, my 90-year-old grandpa curses and
wears pants that are three sizes too big, too.

(Donald )

My son asked me, "Why do bad things happen to good
people?" I told him that bad things usually happen
to bad people *first*. I didn't tell him that the
bad people then go and take it out on the first
candy-ass do-gooder they come across. He'll learn
that on his own in junior high, one way or another.

(Andy Ihnatko)

I call my retriever puppy "Skipper" because he
bounces two or three times every time I throw
him out of the boat. He seems to like it though,
unlike his predecessor, Mr. Drowny.

(Michael Cunningham)

I'm really pissed off that I forgot to watch
TV last Monday — I wanted to see the look on
that poor girl's face when she learned that
Joe Millionaire guy had been lying about his last name.

(Kim Moser)

While more strippers and more beer are
undoubtedly a good thing, I've found it's
much easier to convince your boss that you
deserve a raise if you just leave that part out.


When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my
hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything.

(Mitch Berg)

10 fingers... 10 toes.
Aw, crap! I'm metric!

(Brad Osberg)

My wife only likes to have sex in places where
there is a risk of getting caught. Well,
I *have* caught her — numerous times, in fact.

(Brad Osberg)

I was well on my way toward fame and fortune until
those tight-asses at the Guinness Book stomped on
my dream. Now what am I supposed to do with this
enema bag and all these jars of marshmallow topping?

(Mark D. Sabien)

If you ever get into a jam where you need
a hero, don't make the mistake of calling
for Super-Ficial Man. All he did was tell
me I wasn't worth saving because I had
thinning hair and bad teeth. He did tell
my wife she had nice knockers, though.

(Mark D. Sabien)

Given the likely reaction to an increase in
terror-alert level to "severe threat imminent,"
wouldn't a more appropriate alert color be brown?

(Mark D. Sabien)

In my will, I've stated that I want my coffin
to be made of aluminum foil and my body to be
dipped in caramel and chocolate. I know that if
I were someday reincarnated as a worm, I would
appreciate it if someone had thought of that.

(Mark D. Sabien)

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