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Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010


According to my scuba instructor, if a shark
attacks, you're supposed to poke it in the
eye with your finger. After that, I suppose
you should hit it in the face with a cream pie,
or maybe hose it down with a seltzer bottle.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Sure, Mom says she'd do anything for us kids,
but her commitment rings hollow upon my simple
request to act as surrogate. Like after three
kids, *she* needs to worry about stretch marks!

(Tricia Sabien)



If those Davy Crockett coonskin caps
ever come back in style I'm a genius.
If they don't, I'm just another guy
with a garage full of carcasses.

(Curtis Stoddard)



I think the saddest thing about a guy
falling asleep at the wheel and dying
is that in all likelihood, the last thing
on earth he heard was Yanni on the radio.

(Harrison Cockerill)



Hearing my sister's kid call me "Uncle" gives
me an uplifting rush that nudges me ever closer
to responsible adulthood -- especially when
I have him pinned to the ground with my
knee while twisting his arm behind his back.

(Mark D. Sabien)



First it was the War on Poverty, then the
War on Drugs, then the War on Terrorism and
now the War on Obesity. Why don't they just come
straight out and call it the "War on Andrew"?

(Andrew Kennedy)



Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble
faster than hearing your daughter come home
from a date and saying, "Some nights I don't
know why I even bother to wear panties."

(Dave Henry)



Every time my bleak financial situation starts
to get me down, I remember there are those right
here in my own neighborhood who are less fortunate
-- and then I break into their homes and steal
their TVs. Hey, if things are that bad for them,
it's not likely they can afford alarm systems.

(Ken Foster)



If anyone ever asks you who put the
snowman's head on Ted Williams's frozen
body at the cryonics center, it wasn't me.

(Chester Ingraham)



I hate that "Can you hear me now?" guy so
ferociously that I've always wished I could
have some time with him in a boxing ring.
Imagine my delight when I discovered the
new plan with unlimited ass-kicking minutes
being offered by Pulverizon Wireless.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My friend's date ended before it even began
when he told the woman she looked radiant. How
was he supposed to know she was from Chernobyl?

(Charlotte)



My favorite part of "Jeopardy!" is when Alex Trebek
tells the contestants they have 30 seconds to draw
a cute picture or he'll kick them in the genitals.
Alex seems so much meaner on the Spanish channel.

(Karl Bean)



Some days when I look out my window, the sheer
boundless beauty of nature amazes me. Her
rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her
gently undulating grasslands fill me with
awe and pleasure. On other days, though, my
does-yoga-in-the-nude neighbor has her shades down.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I teach my children to be kind and take extra
good care of their toys. It teaches them
discipline and shows them that if they take
care of things, they'll last longer. But the
main reason is that if toys should ever come
to life and take over the world, maybe they'll
remember our kindness and spare my family.

(Wiley)



I don't think it's so much that I'm a
bad driver, but rather that I need to move
somewhere that's not so damn pro-pedestrian.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I've made provisions in my will to be buried
with a roll of breath mints. I figure if I
should somehow become part of a zombie army
roaming the earth, I may want something minty
fresh to take the taste of brains out of my mouth.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Sure, companies say they're sensitive to
their employees' cultural heritages, but
show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace
made from the ears of your vanquished
enemies and all hell breaks loose.

(Brad Wilkerson)



It appears that President Bush's concept of attacking
a country *before* it becomes a threat has been
adopted by society in general. Yesterday I got an
e-mail message from the entire female population
of Ohio, requesting that I not ask them for a date.

(James Knowles)



It was one thing when the diner started
serving "freedom" fries, but with the debut
of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast,
I think things have gotten out of hand.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I used to complain about not being able
to play fetch with my pet fish, but I've
just realized that I can -- and I can
save money on cat food at the same time!

(Sir Murray)



I like reading electronic books on my Pocket PC
so much that I never carry paper books anymore.
The downside is that, when camping, you can only
use an e-book for emergency toilet paper once.

(Phil Garding)



I finally figured out why waiters give their
first names: It's in case you have to file a
missing person's report a few hours later.

(Steve Burke)



I think I'll name my next cat Trix.
That way when people say, "How's tricks?"
I can say, "She coughed up a huge furball
and left a turd on my sofa this morning."

(Colleen Stelmaszek)



"C" is for "cookie," that's good enough for me.
With my 10-year-old son in tears, however, I sense
the spelling bee judges adhere to a higher standard.

(Mark D. Sabien)




I went off my multiple personality disorder
meds when it occurred to me that multiple
personalities meant multiple orgasms, too.
Now all of me are saying, "Bring it on, baby!"

(Vicki Stanfield)



After I purchased a guitar and pawned my lawnmower,
it took a full five minutes for the pawn shop guy
to convince me to stop screaming and cursing at him.
I could've sworn his sign said, "Buy, Sell, Tirade!"

(Kremben)



I may not agree with what you say, but
I will defend to the death your right
to say it. Your death, that is.

(Tristan Fabriani)



In retrospect, I see now that my Silly String
ray-gun might've looked a little too real
as far as the cops were concerned -- but I
honestly thought my tin-foil-and-pie-plate
armor would've held up better than it did.

(Matt Moore)



I like to think of myself as somewhat adventurous
and entertaining, but I'm pretty sure Kim Basinger
would've high-tailed it from my love nest after
only three-and-a-half days or so -- and
then just because I've been too lazy about
getting the latch on the basement door fixed.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Well, I killed my own grandfather and
here I am! Guess there's no paradox
when time travel isn't involved.

(Andrew Kennedy)



I've reached that age in life when I
surreptitiously ogle my co-worker --
a smokin'-hot blonde Russian chick
with legs that go on for days -- and all
I can think is, "Man, I wish I could get
her to say 'Boris! Is Moose and Squirrel!'"

(Allen Lindsey)



It's sobering to think there was
a time in this country when women
couldn't vote. I mean, how hard is
it to vote, for crying out loud?!

(The Covert Comic)



My wife always thinks it's cute when
the baby throws up on me. But when
it's the other way around, she gets
all huffy and accuses me of being drunk.

(Chester Ingraham)



Even though I moved away years ago, I never
forgot my kindly elderly neighbor's generosity or
her love of surprises. I know she'll be thrilled
when she gets this anonymous envelope repaying
those four tablespoons of flour I once borrowed.

(Mark D. Sabien)



You know that guy who keeps winning
every day on the game show "Jeopardy!"?
Betcha I could kick his ass at Quarters.
Ha! Take another shot, Pencil Neck!

(El Ruminatorio)



Instead of calling a conclusion that does not
follow from the underlying logic a non sequitur,
which is Latin for "It does not follow," I think naming
it for the Latin phrase for "cheese in the nose"
would have made less, and thus more, sense.

(Brad Hamer)



I wept for I had no shoes, then
I met the bastard who took them.
Who's crying *now*, fetish-boy?

(Mark Spence)



Old people have lots of crazy habits.
For instance, saving stacks of yellowing
newspapers, going to bed at 7 p.m.,
and yelling at me to get off their roof.

(Christopher Rostan)



Those old losers can moan all they want
about "race for fun" and "unfair advantage,"
but they could have trained just as hard
as I did. Besides, *they're* the ones
who are used to using walkers all the time.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I think back about my grandpa,
I always picture him in a Wonder Woman
outfit. Not his around-the-house one,
but the nice one with the gold sequins.

(Christopher Rostan)



The big difference between Jeopardy!
and South Park is that at the end of
every episode of South Park, Kenny dies.

(Eliott Schiff)



Some people think being a stock boy at
Wal-Mart is easy. Just try telling that to
my uncle. He doesn't work there, mind you --
he's been unemployed for two months now.
I just want him the hell out of my house.

(Christopher Rostan)



If I had known that the "surreal moment
of baptismal transcendence" would involve
being pelted with deformed clocks and
spat on, I likely wouldn't have made
this trip to see the Dali Llama.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Here's a tip: When hiring a hooker, hire the
tallest one available and pay her in venison.
That way you get the most bang for your buck.

(Kim Moser)



Everyone likes a killer,
but nobody lends him money.

... What? The word is "kidder"?
Oh. Well, that, too.

(The Covert Comic)



In some ways, it was sad to see my children
grow into teenagers. Now they realize that
"Night-Night, Bitchy-Head" and "It's Sleepy Time,
Cranky-Ass!" are not legitimate lullabies.

(Rob Bodine)



You might think it irresponsible of
me to drink with a shot of rum in one
hand and a beer in the other, but relax
-- I've got my good knee on the wheel.

(Travis Ruetenik)



"I scream! You scream! We all scream for Jim Beam!"
Well, we didn't, actually, but Dad said it was the
only way he could get us kids to shut the hell up.

(Mark D. Sabien)



A new study claims women watching erotic films
are stimulated in parts of the brain that drive
emotion and planning. Probably their brains
are seeing the film and thinking, "Time to
start planning to be pissed off later tonight."

(The Covert Comic)



I'd never make it on one of those
Survivor shows. Every time I think
about eating something like caterpillars,
I start to get butterflies in my stomach.

(Jerry L. Embry)



You know that guy who made the movie
Super-Size Me, in which he gained
31 pounds after eating nothing but
McDonald's food for an entire month?
That dude totally ripped me off! I did
it first, except he filmed it or something.

(Miles Walker)



One, two, buckle my shoe.
Three, four, shut the door.
Five, six, pick up sticks.
Seven, eight, friggin' OCD housemate.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I were dying, I think it would
be really funny for my last words
to be, "Luke, I am your father."
I just wish I'd thought of that
before we named the baby Jar Jar.

(Bob Van Voris)



I cried because I had no shoes until I met a
man who had no shirt. By pooling our resources,
we were finally able to get service down at the
7-Eleven and are now living in Slurpee heaven, baby!

(Doug Finney)



The Good Lord doesn't seem very interested
in having me win the lottery, but then He
doesn't seem too bent out of shape over me
banging the baby sitter, so I guess we're even.

(Ishmael Alighieri)



I was going to put some towels in a dye
bath to brighten them up, but the box of
dye recommends "30 minutes of continuous
agitation," so I guess I'll just have
to wait until the kids come home.

(Duxall Inarow)



I bet one of the worst things about being
Jeffrey Dahmer would be determining whether
your mix tape should kick off with a scorcher
like Hot Legs or seduce the listener
with the more subtle Bette Davis Eyes.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It would be kind of neat if elevators were called
"mustards" instead. That way if I were running to
catch it, I could yell out: "Can you please hold the
mustard?" It would be a funny, yet awkward moment,
especially if there were actually a guy making
sandwiches IN the elevator. In that case, though, I'd
ask for EXTRA mustard, since I really do love mustard!
But that would probably just confuse EVERYONE,
so I guess I'll just stick to taking the stairs.

(Pang E. Sass)



For Valentine's Day I sent my girlfriend
unbleached white, whole wheat, semolina and
durum, and it got me nowhere! So much for all
the effort I put into sending her flours.

(Michael Cunningham)



Sometimes I just wish Wile E. Coyote would
just give up and order some chicken fingers
instead, since that's what the Road Runner
probably tastes like anyway. Plus I'd love
to see Ronald McDonald drop an anvil on him.

(Ben Borg)



If someone gave you a motorized peanut
dish 20 feet long by 5 feet wide that
could go up and down steps, you'd always
have a supply handy. The only problem would
be where to keep it when it's turned off.

(Beth Ciniglio)



After excitedly explaining to my wife how I
planned to rid our yard of every last hedge, bush
and tree, she pointed out that particular item on
her honey-do list didn't actually say "landscraping."
Well, excuuuuuuse ME, Ms. Picky!

(Mark D. Sabien)



Every morning when I head out the door to go
to work, I ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
I hate those days when I get the answer:
"He certainly wouldn't be leaving the
house wearing THAT dress with THAT hat."

(Peter Reinke)



I probably should have paid attention in biology
class, because it turns out that bolting one's
eyeglasses to one's skull can damage the very regions
of the brain responsible for visual processing.

(G. Goessman)



"... and this little piggy went to market,
speculated on oil futures using unredeemable
Zimbabwean bonds, hedged them with KKR junk
issues and caused a global market crash that
made people lose all their money, and they
became so poor that they had to eat rats and
sell their children for medical experiments."
Okay, long story short: I am not allowed to
tell bedtime stories to my grandson any more.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



My boyfriend asked me to send him a
Carol Burnett-like secret signal from the
televised Congressional hearing I was attending.
We shared a laugh about it later when he
explained through the visiting room phone that
he had meant the ear tug, not the Tarzan yell.

(Sandra Hull)



I felt a bit uncomfortable when my girlfriend
took a job moonlighting at the local deli.
Sure we can use the extra money she brings
in, but that place is such a meat market.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If you truly are what you eat, then
"Noodle, Ramen" is going to start showing
up on my paychecks, perhaps followed soon
after by "Mr. Candy Found on the Floor."

(A.J. Wilkes)



My family kept telling me I was too stressed
out, so I've been taking these relaxative
things I bought at the drugstore. Now, if
I could just get over this freakin' diarrhea.

(Larry Hollister)



It's comforting to know that, once again,
America is leading the way by conquering
the problems of obesity and low self-esteem
through the healing powers of self-mutilation.

(Jim Rosenberg)



I watched "Weekend at Bernie's" for the third
time yesterday, and I finally realized that
Bernie dude was dead almost the entire time!
It made a lot more sense after that, though.

(Mark Niebuhr)



Don't know much about history.
Don't know much biology.
Don't know much about a science book.
Don't know much about the French I took...
boy, Mom and Dad sure are going to be
pissed when they get that tuition bill.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The best thing about being a dad is that
when you make fun of your child's wild
crib hair, the kid just laughs right
along with you. Stupid dumbass babies!

(Phil Garding)



There was a massive layoff at work yesterday and
those of us still employed have only one thing
on our minds: office-furniture upgrade time!

(James Knowles)



During our dinner date, I took what I thought
was my heart medication. Within 30 minutes
I realized I had committed a colossal boner.

(Jerry Embry)



In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man may
be king, but due to his poor depth perception,
I'd kick his ass and become the new king.
Then all the hot blind chicks would be mine!

(Todd Loushine)



My wife and I know we have to make a
few sacrifices for our marriage to work,
but the animal shelter people are
beginning to get a little suspicious.

(Jerry Embry)



As I ponder all the life-changing wonders of
impending fatherhood, one thought seems to be
foremost in my mind: "Well, so much for my
traditional Saturday morning tequila benders."

(Allen Lindsey)



My wife absolutely refuses to
indulge my foot fetish. I think
she must be lick-toes intolerant.

(Allen Lindsey)



I wonder how many skyscraper window-washers met
untimely deaths before someone finally realized
that no amount of Scotch tape would be sufficient
to hold them in place while they do their work.

(Donald )



I had quite a difficult time choosing, because
the look I was going for was something sorta
hip-hop-preppy-goth-slacker-hippie-grunge.
My bride and her family, on the other hand,
wished I had just worn a regular tux.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'd imagine there were few things
rougher during caveman times than
learning that someone you loved was
killed by a falling pterodactyl turd.

(Tricia)



True disappointment is renting a DVD because
it's rated R for nudity, only to find out it's
because of a shot of Harvey Keitel's ass.

(Tom Sims)



Note to beginning ESL teachers: Using your
zipper as a visual aid to explain "open" versus
"closed" to the kids will get you a reprimand.
However, using the same technique to explain
"in" versus "out" will get you flat-out fired.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I was starting to think that selling
tapes on how to buy a house with no money
down was just a way to find customers who are
dumbasses. But then I discovered this
great "You're No Dumbass!" series of tapes.

(Jim Rosenberg)



I cried because I had no shoes, until I
realized it was all just a dream and that I
had *plenty* of shoes in my closet. It was
the fact that my wife was banging a traveling
shoes salesman that I was really crying about.

(Mark D. Sabien)



As I stood there tired and sweating, my frustration
building, my father's words came back to me:
"Never give up! Never do a half-assed job!
Always finish what you start!" With his wisdom
still in the back of my mind, I lifted my 5-iron
and took aim at the near-lifeless body one last time.

(Stephanie Shiner Thompson)



I just got slapped with my seventh sexual harassment
suit this year. Man, I tell ya, the broads in
my office -- great racks, no sense of humor.

(Allen Lindsey)



If I am ever in a position to have intercourse with
Anna Kournikova, I'm not going to discuss her tennis
career, because I know she's sensitive about it --
but I need to talk about something because I'm gonna
climax very, very quickly, no doubt about that.

(Jim Rosenberg)



This morning I woke up with the ugliest,
skankiest barmaid yet. Damn those
Jedi and their stupid mind tricks!

(Michael Cunningham)



It drives the other guys at work crazy when they
see a steady stream of women gravitating toward
my office. Can I help it they're not clever
enough to think of ditching the deodorant and
instead rely on an armpit-tucked Hershey bar?

(Mark D. Sabien)



Lord, make me a channel of your peace.
Preferably one that shows the Three Stooges.

(Tim Begley)



I was appalled at the fart that came from the
sugar bowl on the table during my dinner party.
From now on, I'm only buying *refined* sugar.

(Phil Bentley)



I think if those monkeys were left in that room
long enough, in addition to the great works
of Shakespeare they'd eventually type a script
of Laverne and Shirley where Carmine and
Laverne finally off Shirley and flee to Mexico.

(Paul Davis)



Sometimes I stick my finger so far
up my nose that I actually touch the
bottom of my eyeball. Other times
I just sit around wasting time.

(Tom Stoudt)



After I gave him his pills and he drifted off to sleep,
I stroked Dad's hair and recalled how he always said
that, when faced with adversity, blood was stronger
than money. I hope that's true, because all I need
are a few more clandestinely-drained pints for the
black market and I've got myself a new guitar!

(Mark D. Sabien)



If you ever make the grueling trek to speak to the
wise old man who lives at the top of the mountain
and he lets you ask one question of him, don't make
the mistake I did and blurt out, "How's it hangin'?"

(Jerry Embry)



I wish I had a nickel for every hangover I've
had to endure -- then I could buy more whiskey.
Then another nickel for another hangover... Hey!
If I play my cards right, this circular-investment
idea guarantees I'll always have some whiskey!

(Stephanie Shiner-Thompson)



You'd think that at some point the little
piggy that went to market might swing by
the pharmacy and pick up something for
the one with the uncontrollable bladder.

(Donna Ayers)



As I struggled both with the irony and the seemingly
impenetrable plastic packaging surrounding my
new army knife, I thought, "Man, for being
neutral, those Swiss are a cruel, sadistic lot."

(Ryan Carter)



The problem I have when swinging by
McDahmer's for breakfast is that the
Leg McMuffin is too sinewy, yet the Sausage
McMiddles make me feel all puffy and bloated.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I came up with a great new drinking
game: I do a shot every time a member
of my family says "intervention."

(Joseph Moore)



Maybe if those parents had wanted a good
kid they shouldn't have named him GOOFUS.

(Arkansas Ann)



Only after I dropped my prototype ceramic dustpan
and it broke into a thousand pieces did I realize
that what I really had invented was portable irony.

(John Keadle)



I just got an e-mail message with the subject line
"Women love men who take the blue pill."
Kind of makes that whole Matrix choice a lot easier.

(Lili VonSchtupp)



People may not appreciate my non-stop swearing
and farting, but I'm not going to give up on this
South Park Diet until I start seeing some results!

(Mark D. Sabien)



While everyone else turned away in pity from
the beggar with a shoe but no feet, I remained
and tried to come up with a witty Rumination.

(mixmaven)



So who the hell gives a rat's ass about some
moron publisher who rejects *my* children's
book, but still prints Aesop's stupid-ass friggin'
fables? But maybe that's just sour grapes.

(Larry Hollister)



I think I'd rather be blind than deaf.
Blindness is like being in the dark
all the time, but deafness is like
being trapped on a planet full of mimes.

(Doug Finney)



Sometimes I wish there were a "Firearms, Tobacco,
Liquor, Video and Bait" store. Then I could get
all my Christmas shopping done in one stop.
Oh, and it should have a drive-through window.

(Don Hunter)



I was so enraged by my doctor keeping me
waiting endlessly -- and then showing no remorse --
that I decided to mess up *his* remaining schedule
by trashing my exam room before I left. When I come
back for my follow-up next week, I'd like to see
ol' Dr. Proctologist try to top *that*!

(Mark D. Sabien)



If at first you don't succeed, blackmail
everyone who saw you fail. Unless what
you failed at is blackmail -- then you'll
have to go straight to murder.

(Andrew Kennedy)



My sexual performance really isn't what
it ought to be, but I'm too embarrassed
to talk to anyone about it. I sure wish
someone would send me e-mail with
info on how to correct the situation.

(Andrew Kennedy)



Book-burning is such an ugly phrase.
I prefer to think of it as "English lit."

(Larry Hollister)



I don't think the Pioneer probe and the
Spirit rover would get along well, because
Spirit is from Mars and Pioneer is from Venus.

(David Spiro)



I don't think I would ever steal bread,
even if my family were starving. Not
for any moral reason, but simply because
I wouldn't want to risk having to admit
on any future job applications that I
was once arrested for pinching a loaf.

(Scott E. Frank)



People are petrified of being buried alive, but
I actually fear being cremated alive... though
I'll have to admit it would be cool to enjoy
that one quick moment of smelling like a pizza.

(Laura Huysman/Mike Ranston)



Why do people potty train kids to the sound
of running water? It would be so much better
to train your child to the sound of snapping
fingers or one of those little clicker things.
Of course, it would totally screw the kid's
chances of ever sitting through Riverdance.

(Michele Staples)



Most people don't appreciate the morbid sense
of humor that led me to name my dog Splat, but
then again they likely never tried training a world-
champion rooftop Frisbee-catching champion, either.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Chocolate? Chipotle? Hey, it's easy to make
a simple mistake like that when you forget your
reading glasses -- but just try telling that
to a birthday party full of screaming toddlers.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Nobody plans to fail, they just fail
to plan. Therefore, it's probably best
to always plan to fail to fail to plan.

(The Covert Comic)



All over China, parents tell their children
to stop complaining and to finish their
quadratic equations and trigonometric
functions because there are 65 million
American kids going to bed with no math at all.

(Michael Cunningham)



Feeling guilty about my action of years ago, I
have sought to purge my vile past through the
ritualistic purchases of triangular sports banners.
I'm seeking pennants, just like the priest told me.

(Larry Hollister)



Can't a guy sit in silence and enjoy his lunch
without someone shoving a basket in his face
asking for money? Man, I hate this church.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'd bet the expression "There's no use
beating a dead horse" comes from that magical
moment when two caveman musicians first saw
a drum kit in the window of a music store.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I can't believe the supposedly progressive
people of Germany consented to let Adolf Hitler
become their chancellor in 1933. I mean, does no one
in the entire country subscribe to the History Channel?

(Chris MacEachen)



I wonder just how much less anxious we would
all be about death if his parents had instead
named him the Joyful-and-Lovin'-Life Reaper.

(J. Murphy)



I was just trying to be efficient. If the
people at my doctor's waiting room are going to
get so upset about it, they should put up a sign
that says "Please do not disrobe in the lobby."

(Brad Hamer)



My wife wasn't too thrilled to open her Bible
and discover penciled-in Commandment 7a:
"(However, when thou art traveling on
business, thou shalt heed the sage advice
of My musical apostle, Stephen Stills.)"

(Mark D. Sabien)



Call me embittered, but I lost a mother
and two brothers to the Cola Wars, and
I'll be damned if I'm going to lose my pop!

(Michael Cunningham)



One of the things that keeps me up at night is
the thought that in offices somewhere, there are
people who really began to miss the flavor of urine
in their coffee after their co-workers got arrested.

(Mark D. Mills)



The worst part about being Medusa wouldn't
be turning people to stone on sight, but
rather the unavoidable bad-hair days when
one of your snakes is digesting a rat.

(Larry Hollister)



To set the mood, I cranked up Outkast's "(I Love)
The Way You Move" and sat back to enjoy the show --
though at that point the guys from Allied Van Lines
took noticeably less care with my boxes.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When choosing neckwear for an octopus,
a bow tie is the way to go. A long tie
is just likely to get tangled in the
tentacles. Plus, most octopi believe that
a bow tie makes them look like eccentric
intellectuals rather than slimy cephalopods.

(Steve Biddle)



When life hands me lemons, I set a bag of
dog poop on my neighbor's front porch, set
it on fire, ring the doorbell and run. I know
that the lemons aren't my neighbor's fault,
it's just that I don't know where life lives.

(Chuck Sawyer)



If I ever become a mad horticulturalist, I
will develop carnivorous strain of violets and
call them violents. Too bad I hate gardening.

(Zach Stambaugh)



My wife has a comedy routine about deodorant.
She does it as fast as she possibly can,
though, and calls it her "Lady Speed Shtick."

(Jeff Lyons)



To me, a black hole looks a lot like a cosmic
toilet bowl vortex, spirally sucking down
everything in its wake. I can't help but think
somewhere there's a related celestial sewer
where all this stuff goes, likely patrolled
by your typical nuclear-waste-mutated alligator
and evil snaggletoothed, child-eating clown.
This, my friends, is why I could never be an astronaut.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I play pool in this really seedy pool hall.
I used to not be able to tell which ball was which,
since they were all the same nasty color. Now I
can only tell 'em apart by their distinctive shapes.

(Andy Grosser)



There's nothing like spring to bring back
thoughts of pleasant yesterdays... especially
when your young son decides to play poo rescue
in the toilet with his new Power Rangers and
ends up getting a fire truck stuck in the bowl.

(Phil Garding)



As a vegetarian, I avoid eating
the flesh of any innocent animal.
Good thing I found this packet of steaks
made from convicted-trespasser cows!

(Pedro Pinheiro)



I dreamed I ate a giant gingerbread man.
When I woke up, my conjoined twin was gone.

(Sandra Hull)



You'd think with me assuming the weighty
responsibility associated with sitting in
an emergency exit row, the flight attendant
would've given me my fifth beer free.

(Mark D. Sabien)



As I struggled to re-read my friend's
e-mail through my burning eyes, I realized
that paradise is not "relaxing on the
beach with a lime in your Cornea."

(Frank Weisbly)



Gary Ridgway, murderer of 48 prostitutes, said
he didn't have much luck with "regular women."
Actually, there probably aren't too many
nice girls willing to bring a guy known as
"The Green River Killer" home to meet the folks.

(Anthony Myers)




There is nothing more beautiful than two young
lovers steaming up a shower stall -- something
that's obviously lost on that manager at Home Depot.

(David O'Shea)



Word to the wise:
If you leave your day planner out where
your wife might see it, be sure not to denote
your reminder to arrange a Valentine's Day
getaway in Maryland with "Call MD re: VD"

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm glad my head is at least partially covered
with thousands of hairs of small diameter.
Imagine how much more unattractive I would
be with one huge hair that's four inches in
diameter growing out of my head. Besides,
the lady who cuts my hair doesn't have a saw.

(John Fowler)



I think it would be cool if Yosemite Sam
were a crew member on "Star Trek." That way,
he could have his phaser set to "fricassee."

(Bowen Doxsee)



Imagine if you could get paid for quitting
smoking. What a kick-butt job that would be!

(Phil Garding)



Gandhi may have said, "An eye for an eye makes
the whole world blind," but I think it would
just make the world one-eyed and well-behaved.

(Steve Jones)



I think the key to my homemade "olde-tyme"
peanut butter cookies is the great care I put
into crunching up real peanuts into a smooth
consistency. Either that or the added saliva.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My grandson has learned how to hold and
carry the cat. He has also learned how
to flush the toilet. I can't help but
believe that in the not-too-distant future
there will be another lesson in store for him.

(Dave Henry)



I find myself attracted to both male
and female white bears. My psychiatrist
tells me I have a bi-polar disorder.

(Kim Moser)



I missed getting the kids tickets to
Sesame Street Live! and Disney on Ice,
but I have a feeling all will be forgiven
when we go to see Chip 'n' Dale's Revue.

(David Anderson)



When George Washington and Abraham Lincoln
posed for their portraits that ended up
on U.S. currency, do you think the
engraver urged them to "make this one
count because it's the money shot?"

(Kim Moser)



For six months I've been on this meat-based
Atkins diet, and although I'm losing weight,
it's beginning to get difficult to stick to
the diet. Before too long, I'll have to move
on to another town to find more Atkinses.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I guess I should be grateful that the therapist
from the stress hotline talked me out of bringing a
gun to work today, but I gotta say it's a bitch
trying to make arrests with a banana in my hand.

(Col. Klink)



My old doctor used to perform embarrassing tests
on me, like putting his finger in my butt. Now
I've got this new high-tech doctor who says
he can give me a "digital examination" instead.

(Bob Van Voris)



Admitting you have a problem is the
first step toward getting medicated for it.

(Jim Evarts)



Drugs are not the answer. Unless the
question is "What's not the answer?"

(Adam Bernet)



If I had to choose between the '80s classics
"Beat Street" or "Breakin'" for a prestigious award,
I'd probably have to go with the latter, since its
sequel introduced the mind-shattering concept
of marrying *electricity* with the boogaloo.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My young grandson loves to bounce on the bed.
It must be hereditary, because I'm pretty
sure that's how his mother got pregnant.

(Dave Henry)



Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, now
I'm just your punching bag.

(Doug Sykes)



If I were Santa, I would stop the frenetic madness
of delivering millions of presents in one night and
just divvy up my naughty/nice list, enlisting the
help of the kids' parents to go out and buy the gifts.

(Helen Aitken)



With the popularity of biblical
names these days, I'm kind of
surprised at the reaction we get when
people meet our little baby, Satan.

(Bob Van Voris)



Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea
on paper. But unfortunately, my
grow-to-fit ass works faster than they do.

(Scott E. Frank)



I wonder how many people a year get lost in
a Ford Explorer or trapped within a Ford Escape.
I have plenty of time to think about things
like that since this is the third day I've been
buried under this snowbank in my Chevy Avalanche.

(Mark Mills)



When short hemlines came back into
fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out
of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't
figure out what to do with my other leg.

(Patricia Dunn)



The people at the hunting bureau thought it
was odd that I was seeking a driving permit,
but hey, deer season is just a week away.

(Audrey Hoffman)



Sometimes I'm really glad that I'm not a kid
these days. School's much tougher, there's a
constant onslaught from the media fighting for
your attention, you have to wear seat belts
and on and on. But hey, my son's teacher wears
a thong, so maybe it's not so bad after all.

(Bill Ervin)



What if the rapture occurs and I witness a
driver-less Chevy run over a "left behind"
pedestrian. Do I call for an ambulance or
a priest? Assuming I'm still here, that is.

(Walter Means)



I really enjoy taking out the trash from my new
home. It's hard to explain, but walking the trash
to the curb the night before trash day really makes
me feel like a homeowner. Especially now that
I've taken out the bodies of the previous owners.

(Simon Paul)



I'm still not good when it comes to reading my
wife's signals. Sure the teddy, candles and mood
music suggested a little romance, but I'd swear
the bright red lipstick shouted, "Stop! You must
make a sandwich and watch SportsCenter first."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm holding back from having my own children
because I'm not sure I'd be a very good parent.
Besides, have you any idea how much people at
raves charge when you want them to watch kids?

(Danny Gallagher)



Doctors say that we only use 15 percent of our brain.
Is there more than 15 percent in our brain?

(Harvey Shelman)



I cried because I had no shoes, and when
I awoke in the hospital without any feet,
the doctor told me that I had passed
out from the cold and gotten frostbite.
Good thing I wasn't crying
because I had no condoms.

(Mark D. Mills/Donald )



My wife must think I'm an idiot!
"Separate the white clothes from the colors."
Ha! Whether I separate them left-to-right
or top-to-bottom, the washing machine will
still mix them all together anyway!

(Chuck Bonner)



Some see the glass as half empty, while others
see it as half full. I'd just like to know
who the hell drank half of my urine specimen.

(Mark D. Sabien)



In the time it took for me to stop and smell
the roses, the S.W.A.T. team caught up to me.
Thanks for the super advice, Abby.

(Walter Means)



I told him that it wasn't working out because
we're just apples and oranges. Of course, I'm
the sweet, sun-ripened, kissed-by-God-Himself
orange and he's the rotten, fly-infested apple
that's stuck to the bottom of my wastebasket
because he was "too busy" to put a new bag in it.

(Michele Kieweg)



Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Frame a man for murder and the state
will feed him every day for 25-to-life.

(Bob Van Voris)



It amazes me that one can find almost
anything at Wal-Mart except for the
one thing needed to subdivide a living
room into an office and sitting area.

(Dan Thompson)



I've been getting my ass kicked in
our local rec league so much lately,
I think I've developed athlete's butt.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I love the challenge of my new job as greeter
at PetsMart. It takes lightning reflexes
to evaluate each guest in a split second
and decide whether I should sniff his or
her butt or roll over and pee on myself.

(Jeff Wilson/Debra Delegato)



The next time you curse the fact that it's
Monday, just think of it as proof that you
made it through another weekend without
killing yourself by doing something stupid.

(Phil Garding)



It's great that the letters in Jim
Morrison's name can be rearranged
into a cool nickname: "Mr Mojo Risin'."
My friend Bart Snoe is stuck with "Bear Snot."

(Doug Sykes)



If the supermarket workers are on strike,
is it okay to cross the picket line
if you only plan on shoplifting?

(James Floyd)



It's always sad when you have to
disillusion a child by telling him
there is no Santa Claus. I prefer to
maintain his innocence by just telling
him that Santa can't come anymore because
he contracted severe gonorrhea and died.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I think time is crucial to anything.
For example, if you lock an infinite number
of monkeys in a room with those typewriters,
but you limit the amount of time they have
to write, the best you'll get out of them
is the pilot to The Dukes of Hazzard.

(Doug Sykes)



If I were in Congress, I'd probably have refused
the president's request for $87 billion to continue
the mission in Iraq. It's not that I'm against the
war — I just I don't have change for a trillion.

(LeMel Williams)



I've always felt it's my personal touch that sets
me apart from those other brown-nosing climbers
in my department. For example, during my last
performance review, I not only informed my
supervisor that his wife was a two-timing schemer,
I also showed him the photos of us to prove it.

(Mark D. Sabien)



First, my dog jumps over the fence and humps
the neighbor's dog (who happens to be his
sister), then for no reason he attacks the
Labrador down the street. After the police
are called to the scene, he bites the officer
who is trying to pull them apart and then pees
on the patrol car. [*sigh*] I guess I should
have expected no less from a Springer spaniel.

(Rick Kreher)



They just busted a prostitution ring
that was run from an auto junkyard.
I'll bet they had a self-service area
where you could pull your own parts.

(Lili VonSchtupp)



I think the proper punishment for
that guy who went over Niagara Falls
would be to make him do it again.

(Tom Sims)



If you're ever about to be mugged by a couple
of clowns, don't hesitate — go for the juggler.

(Lee Entrekin)



My dog loves cats. I just wish we
could find a canine toothpaste that gets
that icky cat-stench off his breath.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Consumer Awareness Alert!: Duct-taping several
Twinkies to your chest will not stop a bullet.
Research into the fired-projectile-halting
characteristics of MoonPies, however, will
have to wait until I get out of the hospital.

(James Knowles)



I have some JPGs of Britney Spears dancing naked.
Except she's not naked — she's wearing a grubby
bathrobe, and she's not dancing — she's eating
oatmeal, and she's not Britney Spears — she's me.

(James Knowles)



Whatever you do, when you stop by
the auto-wrecking yard, don't park
your small car in a spot marked "compact."

(Lil Owens)



I think my take-no-prisoners attitude is
starting to strain my relationship with
my superiors in the U.S. Marshal's Office.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I think a really cool thing for blind people
would be talking warning signs. The drawback
would be the resulting explosion of the blind
population due to a lack of natural predators.

(Travis Gray)



If you're at a party and comment that the
cheese log is so wonderful that someone
should build a makeshift shrine to it,
you're considered charming and witty.
However, demonstrate your commitment by
following through right there? Well,
let's just say party-goers are a fickle lot.

(Jeffrey Ehrhart)



And so I left Cape Canaveral wiser than I had
arrived. Maybe I hadn't gotten Jeff Gordon's
autograph, but I had learned that NASA and
NASCAR are not the same thing, and in the
long run, that was probably more valuable.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Sometimes when I'm in a difficult situation I ask,
"What Would Jesus Do?" And always a little voice
inside me answers, "Well, he probably wouldn't try
to cram another corpse into the crawl-space, moron."

(Brad Wilkerson)



My new co-workers at the slaughterhouse have
been great, patiently showing me the ropes without
any of the hazing I'd feared. I will say, though,
that I hope the Testicle Fairy visits soon,
because my pillow is starting to smell awful.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I can't help but think that the stronger sex
is really the weaker sex because of the weakness
of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.

(Jody Scott)



Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see
the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a
quick catnap at work. They never last too
long, though, because invariably someone rings
the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Since I was born with only four fingers, I'd
like to marry someone else who has the same
number of fingers as I do. I mean, besides
a drunk carpenter or a kid with a buzz saw.

(Steph Mirsky)



Cats aren't so damn superior. Heck,
you can easily hypnotize one by dangling
a shiny object in front of its eyes and
giving it tuna... giving it tuna...
must give the cat some tuna....

(Lil Owens)



Chris White sure does take his time choosing
which Ruminations he should publish. I've sent
1,067 Ruminations in the past three years, and
none have been published. That guy Sabien must
have sent all his Ruminations on the first day.

(Pedro Pinheiro)



For a while there I was worried that my tin foil
beanie was blocking the TopFive.com website.
Luckily it turned out to be a router problem.

(wubwub)



OK, so I read the question, "If a dog runs into
a mirror, does his seven years of bad luck occur in
dog or human years?" I thought, this would be
a great Rumination, but it's someone else's idea and
I'm no pirate. So I thought, "I'll just do what
Bill Gates does and steal the idea, but add just
enough to it to pass the censors. So...

If a dog runs into a mirror and gets his
bad luck in dog years... then if I break a
mirror and tell my wife it was the dog,
will I get my bad luck in dog years, too?

(Clynch Varnadore)



Every day when I receive my ClubRuminations,
I'm reminded of that really, really, really bad
Rumination I submitted a while back, and hope
it doesn't make the "Bad Rumination" list.
Then I think, "Hey, it WOULD be cool to have
Shaft as president!" and refill my beer mug.

(Don Cameron)



I cried because I had no shoes until I met
a man who had no feet. So I beat the living
snot out of him because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

(Lil Owens)



I would think that when God needs a break
from the pressure of running the universe,
He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets
to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.

(Mark D. Sabien)



They call me "The Human Chameleon."
If I stand next to a white guy, I
look white. If I stand next to a
black guy, I look black. If I stand
next to a fountain, I pee on myself.

(Walter Means)



Just in case you run into someone
who may not know them, "relinquish,"
"give up" and "abandon" are some
useful meanings of the word "quit."

(Tom Sims)



I'll bet if they ever start putting whoop-ass in
those designer sand-blasted bottles instead
of cans, they'll charge a lot more for it.

(Brad Osberg)



As part of my community service obligation, I
offer this tip for owners of sporting goods stores:
You'll save the system a lot of time and money
if you stop referring to them as "free weights."

(Lil Owens)



I don't fit in with either political party.
I can't be a Democrat because I like to keep
the money I make, but I can't be a Republican
because I like to spend that money on drugs.

(Conor Regan)



I always felt those Farm Aid concerts were
an awesome idea because I know first-hand
how tough it is being a small farmer these
days — especially when the DEA keeps
burning your crop before you can harvest.

(Edwin Ball)



I sometimes imagine myself as a cold-blooded
python with massive rippling muscles, capable of
suffocating and devouring large prey, yet burdened
with a tiny brain. Occasionally it can be healthy
for me to get in touch with my inner pro wrestler.

(Brad Hamer)



Many believe that sarcasm is the lowest
form of wit. Yeah, like *that's* true.

(Rob Simpson)



As the screaming woman in front of me lunged
through the small opening in the Plexiglas,
trying to claw the eyes out of the server who
she claimed skimped on her sprinkles, I began to
regret having stopped for a treat at Drama Queen.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I took out a second mortgage last month so
I could go on a trip to Italy, buy a new
car and pay off my bills. I just can't
figure out why my landlord is so pissed off.

(Jenn McNanna)



A riot broke out at the local Renaissance Faire.
Things got pretty ugly, but luckily the authorities
intervened before anyone could start luting.

(Lil Owens)



Show me a man who claims that squirrels aren't
dangerous and I'll show you a man who has never
lost a toe while shooting at one after spending
the entire afternoon drinking malt liquor.

(Brad Osberg)



It's sad when you're at a baseball game and
realize that you'll never have the money,
status or talent that the guys on the field
take for granted. And it gets even worse
when the grounds crew gives way to the players.

(Anthony Myers)



Sometimes I wonder whether people prefer
episodes of "The Andy Griffith Show" before
or after George Lindsey joined the cast,
but most of the ones I ask don't want to
get into that Goobernatorial debate.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I told the cops I wasn't afraid of them because,
just like the octopus, I could create a dark cloud
for camouflage and escape. They laughed, but
the joke's on them: They're never going to get
that stain and smell out of their squad car.

(J. Murphy)



Just as the book says, all I really needed to
know I learned in kindergarten, like sharing,
how to get along with others, the importance
of playing fairly, how to kill silently using
only a piano wire as a garrote... No, wait, that
last one I may have learned in Ms. Haggerty's
fifth grade music class, but you get the idea.

(Wiley)



The worst part about going to night school
to get my college education was ending
up with an 8:00 class and having to drag
my sleepy ass out of bed by 7:00 PM.

(Donald )



Why do birds suddenly appear, every
time you are near? I mean, seriously,
can't you do something about it?
That bird thing really creeps me out.

(Scott MacDonald)



I'm so stoked that my new Honda has these
two holders for my Pringles and my bong.
If only they had thought to make it
so I could bring along a beverage, too.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I were an astronaut who landed on the moon,
the first thing I would say is, "Hey, you can
see my house from up here!" It would probably
make the other astronauts laugh, or at least
make them think I had a really big house.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I always thought I wanted a glamorous,
powerful career. It turns out I was
wrong — I only wanted the salary.

(Heather Mina)



Is there a pill my wife can take
that'll make her do something that
makes me want to take Viagra?

(The Covert Comic)



I bet Mafia kids get bummed when they
find out the tooth fairy doesn't take
other people's teeth. Or when they find
out there's no horse-head fairy at all.

(Bill Muse)



Rather than responding to my note asking,
"Can Brad have a raise? Yes [ ] No [ ],"
my boss just flat-out fired me. "All I Really
Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten" my ASS!

(Mark D. Sabien)



If only I could let those penis-enlargement
spammers know I have the SoBig virus,
maybe they wouldn't pester me any more.

(Heather Mina)



If I were a pirate and lost my hand, instead of
a hook, I would get a big spoon. Sure, it may look
funny, and the other pirates might tease me, but
there's always a chance we could plunder a ship
full of pudding, and who'd be laughing then?

(Brad Wilkerson)



I sure got a lot of strange looks, carrying a dead
zebra, a rotting antelope and a suitcase full of
rancid prairie dogs. That's the last time I try to
board an airplane with more than two carrion items.

(Bob Van Voris)



Last night, my wife and I made love at the
drive-in theater, and it was exactly like the
way it was years ago before we were married
-- except for the part where our kids were
complaining about not being able to see the movie.

(Miles Walker)



One crotch-kick later, I realized
that asking the call girl if she had a
layaway plan sounded funnier in my head.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The most frustrating part about barricading yourself
in your home and having an armed standoff with
police is that when you call for pizza delivery,
they never show up! You'd think the place would
be easy enough to find, what with the flashing
lights and all those cops to provide directions.

(Ken Foster)



As the threesome I'd finally succeeded in talking
my girlfriend into entered its second hour of
hot and heavy action, it dawned on me that I
really should have specified *my* involvement.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Before you harp on the young folk for the way they
spell "boyz" and "kidz," just remember that it's
that same kind of innovation that gave us cheez.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I figure *my* farting in *my* office is *my*
business; if someone happens to walk in, it's
at their own risk. My aromatherapy patients,
however, seem to hold a different opinion.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Watching The Usual Suspects this evening,
I was struck by how odd it is that everyone I know was
so surprised by the ending. I knew who Keyser Soze
was almost from the beginning — though that wasn't
the case the first two times I saw the movie.

(Charles Gulledge)



Saying something over and over again doesn't
make it true — unless, of course, you're
saying, "I'm obnoxious and repetitive."

(kremben)



If I were a virgin back in the days when
they sacrificed virgins to their gods, I'd
probably want to be known as the dirty slut girl.
Gods never seem to want to date dirty slut girls.

(Luna Daisy)



My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to
take him to the vet — but unfortunately,
he died on the way there. Maybe I didn't
put enough air holes in the box.

(Kevin Freels)



I've decided to quit drinking for
30 days — but I think I may need
60 days to complete the task.

(Kalli)



They say that genius is 99 percent
perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
Then again, so is mowing the lawn.

(Tom Sims)



I tried to embrace my feminine side, but
it filed a restraining order against me.

(Chris Urich)



World's toughest job? How about being the
guy who has to put the whoop-ass into the can?

(Mark D. Sabien)



I've decided that I really don't like
living in a gated community. I'm definitely
going to move somewhere else in six to
ten years, less time off for good behavior.

(Brad Hamer)



Wouldn't it be great if hookers accepted
credit cards, just like gas stations?
That way, if you were in a hurry you could
use the convenient pay-at-the-pimp feature.

(Kim Moser)



The judge said he was afraid that
my frequent thefts of Viagra have
made me a hardened criminal.

(J. Murphy)



I had sex with three very ugly men last night,
so I guess you could say I had a "Three Dog
Night." But here's the really freaky part:
The three ugly guys *were* Three Dog Night.

(Stephanie Thompson)



One way to keep up the spirits of a dwindling
number of survivors stranded with no food
on a freezing mountaintop is to throw a
pretend Mountaintop Ball — especially if
you kick off the gala with finger sandwiches.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It isn't that I hate having to hear about
how hard it was for my grandparents "back
in the old country," it's that I hate having
to hear about their sex life in general.

(Dustin Moskowitz)



I bet the guy who first said,
"Two heads are better than one" never
worked as a fetal ultrasound technician.

(Bob Van Voris)



The good thing about my alter ego,
Underachiever Man, is that I don't have to
change clothes when I use my super powers.

(Phillip Garding)



If Anthony Hopkins ever decides to open a
restaurant for cannibals, I bet he calls
the house special "Remains of the Day."

(Bob Van Voris)



As we entered the fourth hour of being trapped
in the stuck elevator, I began to worry that the
stale air supply was taking its toll. I mean,
there are only so many replays of Even the Nights
Are Better
and I'm All Out of Love a man can take.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The key to life is the little things, like all the
characters you meet along the way. That's what really
makes the whole multi-state killing spree worthwhile.

(Mark Niebuhr)



I overheard my apartment neighbor telling
his Mafia bosses about a guy he whacked.
I'm gonna ask him if he'd be willing to give
me $20,000 to keep my mouth shut about it.
I figure the worst he can do is say "No," right?

(Brad Hamer)



Her mom may be angry about it, but if
my 3-year-old niece ever becomes a truck
driver, that tobacco-spitting trick I
taught her will come in mighty handy.

(James Knowles)



The thing I like about
artificial flowers is
that they're perennials.

(Tom Sims)



Boy, is my wife going to be surprised!
She always wanted to repaint the kitchen
in a nice olive color, so while she's away
on business, I'm going to get busy with these
fresh new rollers and gallons of black paint.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My latest paycheck stub had a note saying,
"Bush tax changes are reflected in this paycheck."
Oh, great — women already earn less than men,
and now they're taxing us just because we're women!

(Jenni)



I can't comprehend this fascination
with the Klingon language. Have these
people lost all contact with reality?
The Vulcans are a much wiser and nobler race!

(Chuck Bonner)



They say God knows everything before it happens.
That is so awesome. I mean, *I* only know when
cats in my neighborhood are going to disappear.

(The Covert Comic)



I'm finding that my repairing-my-broken-
glasses-with-Scotch-tape-and-a-Band-Aid skills
don't work nearly as well on contact lenses.

(Duxall Inarow)



I find it ironic that when I went to confession
to seek forgiveness for my vodka-drinking
problem, the priest offered me Absolution.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The reason I like Diet Pepsi better than Diet Coke is
that you can't win a billion dollars with Diet Coke.
Unless you're in California. And there's a baby goat
head in the bottle. And the jury is generous. Come to
think of it, I like my chances with Diet Coke better.

(Michael Sheinbaum)



My girlfriend is having a nervous breakdown,
but as usual, she won't finish what she
starts. She's going incompletely insane.

(Kevin Freels)



My wife cut and dyed her hair, lost 20 pounds
and bought a whole new wardrobe. Cool! Now
it's like never having sex with a total stranger!

(Brad Osberg)



After developing a healthy orange glow, an
interest in Olivia Newton-John and an increased
desire to roller-skate, I realized that either
these Xanax tablets are counterfeit or my doctor
needs to work on his penmanship skills.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I used to complain that I had no shoes until
I met a man who had no feet. Then I complained
because he got the good parking spot.

(Jim Evarts)



I've been a teacher for many years, and some of my
non-teacher friends used to say I see the world through
rose-colored glasses. I correct them and tell them
that I see it through a rose-colored rifle scope.
Now they don't seem to bug me about it anymore.

(Paula Welsh)



Call me a hopeless romantic, but I
believe in love at first sight. I even
have a special word for it: "lust."

(Wiley)



Working at the CIA has taught me that any
American boy or girl really can grow up to
be president. You just might not have
control over which Middle Eastern country
you wind up being president of.

(The Covert Comic)



I have a great idea for a children's book about an
irrepressibly curious monkey who goes on a journey
and along the way meets a West Nile mosquito,
a killer African bee, a civet cat, a Gambian
rat, a prairie dog and a mad cow. It's called
"Curious George Repeatedly Goes to the Hospital."

(Steve Nathans)



My 3-year-old son likes to play
"Sleeping Beauty." Only instead of
"Sleeping Beauty" it's "Sleeping Daddy," and
instead of "...awakened by a kiss," it's
"...awakened by a flying knee-drop to the groin."

(Kevin Fox)



As I get older, I've found that I don't
scream for ice cream like when I was a kid.
I think I'm becoming lactose-ambivalent.

(Wiley)



I actually walked out of a bad movie the other night.
But because I had rented it, that meant a night of
sitting out in the front yard humming show tunes.

(Duxall Inarow)



I really don't see what's so great about cooking
with gas. The onions caramelized evenly and
the souffle seems to be turning out well,
but oh, man, are my intestines killing me.

(Brad Hamer)



If you ever have to flee police by car, try
to start in the Rhode Island area, because
nothing embellishes a clip on America's
Wildest Auto Chases
like the term "multi-state."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Teaching coed sex-education classes at the high
school has been challenging; some funny moments,
some touching, frankly even some downright erotic
moments... but I love it. In fact, the only
thing that could make it better would be if
I were paid, like the employees here are.

(G Spencer)



I used to yearn for hot monkey sex --
until I realized it probably requires
both a jungle and a primate.

(Kim Moser)



Change is good. Especially when
it's a change back to the way
I liked it in the first place.

(Marshall Gatten)



Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Oh, and take it from me: Looking up the
opposite end doesn't exactly work wonders
for your rep with the other cowboys.

(Brad Osberg)



My wife always makes a federal case out of
everything, but that's likely because my
screw-ups usually cross multiple state boundaries.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If life were fair, the amount of calories
required to chew food would equal the
amount within the food being chewed.

(Tom Sims)



I have an idea for a new reality television show
called Cannibal Island. Each week, one player
will be eaten by the others until only one is left.
The real beauty of this idea is that the cast
won't be around to do an annoying reunion show.

(Steve Nathans)



I figure older people get up so early
in the morning because they can't
wait to see if they're still alive.
That, and to have more time to find
where the dog has hidden their teeth.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I tease because I love. Specifically, I
love the power-rush I get every time you run
upstairs sobbing and lock yourself in the bathroom.

(Andy Ihnatko)



After setting the orphanage on fire, I stood
back and watched the kids clawing and scrambling
to get out the front door, pushing, shoving, even
trampling one another. Children can be so cruel.

(Chris MacEachen)



The expression "as smooth as a baby's behind" may
sound great to describe your beautiful skin, but
you might wish you hadn't used all those creams and
cleansers when people start calling you "ass-face."

(Steve Nathans)



So I'm in the lobby hammering on the
elevator button, and this guy tells me
that pressing it repeatedly won't make
it come any quicker. But right then,
the elevator arrives. I guess building
maintenance guys don't know everything.

(Doug Vargas)



I visited hormel.com and submitted a form
for a free sample of their product, but then
the privacy disclaimer told me I would not
receive any spam. What's up with that?

(Alan Bland)



When my parents come to visit, I force them
to smoke pot and do straight shots of whiskey.
Hey, when you're in MY house, you live by MY rules.

(Stephanie Thompson)



Finally breaking through all of the old grudges,
confronting past hurts, and truly forgiving my
ex-husband was easy. Giving him that hug that says
"everything's okay" was easy. The hard part was
digging his dismembered corpse out of my flower bed.

(Deonna Pinson)



When life deals you heart-wrenching,
bleak torture of the soul, do not make
heart-wrenching-bleak-torture-of-the-soul-ade;
the better choice is still lemonade.

(Michael Sheinbaum)



If you ever see a sign that says
"Yard Sale" just keep on driving.
They usually only have one yard for
sale, and even then, it's always
covered with a bunch of junk.

(Frank Weisbly)



When I saw the big-bosomed spider crawling up
my leg, I was repelled, yet strangely attracted.

(Chris MacEachen)



I just got a junk e-mail with a subject line
that said, "Grow gigantic OVERNIGHT!!!"
The joke's on them, though, because my
wife's cooking already took care of that.

(Paul Hughes)



I found the perfect Mother's Day gift --
a gift that shows how much I care for
the mother of our two beautiful children:
I got her that restraining order she's been seeking.

(Loyal Barber)



Ordering the "Herb-basted chicken" seemed like
a good idea — until I saw a sweaty shirtless man
in the back rubbing chicken breasts across his torso.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I think it's time we all finally admit that
nitro-burning funny cars just aren't NEARLY as
funny as the kind all the clowns come out of.

(Kim Moser)



I wouldn't be surprised if sometimes a deer in the
headlights is a just a wanna-be Bambi, unsuccessfully
trying to make it into that showbiz spotlight.

(Randy Lee)



I noticed that diapers come in different sizes:
up to 10 pounds, 10-20 pounds, 20-25 pounds, etc.
I can't help thinking that if some toddler is
carrying around 25 pounds of poo in a diaper,
its parents should be changed as well.

(Michael Tunney)



I think of all the personal, potentially embarrassing
questions a teenage daughter might ask her father,
the scariest has got to be, "Daddy, why are you
watching that stupid Olsen twins movie on TV again?"

(Chris MacEachen)



When I turned 40, I decided to clean up
my act and gave up drinking and smoking.
Man, it was tough — there's no way I'd have
gotten through that period without my heroin.

(Kevin Freels)



Sure, Hugh Hefner may get laid a lot more than
I do, but I figure I watch *much* more TV than
he does, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

(Chris MacEachen)



Since I've become a parent, I've discovered that
you can learn a lot from a child. For instance,
I've gotten much better at spitting out my food.

(Kevin Freels)



I've noticed that there are a few select people who
get their Ruminations published quite regularly.
I can't help but think to myself, "These guys
must have absolutely NOTHING to do at work
but write Ruminations all day. Either that
or their offices block access to porn sites."

(Steiner Sellers)



I think the best way to get a Rumination published
would be to write a really long dumb one that
makes fun of Chris White's mother and target the
BAD Rumination on purpose. You could be really
callous and say that she's so fat, the Colonel ran
out of spices. But there really aren't that many
calories in spices and, hell, his mother's probably
a hottie. Besides, chicken jokes pretty much suck
unless there's a road-crossing involved.

(Brian Bell)



I came up with the best Rumination ever, but I was
at school, so I wrote it down on my homework, then
forgot and turned the homework in. Today my parents
got an irate call from my science teacher, telling
them that the idea of using drunk penguins to clear
landmines was not funny. Personally, I disagree.

(IB Canadite)



Writing a really good Rumination at work is tough.
Especially when the boss insists I keep my eyes
glued to these stupid air-traffic radar screens.

(Brad Osberg)



I stared at the blank screen
for hours before I realized
that what we have here is
a failure to ruminate.

(Dennis Weiskircher, Jr.)



The IHOP waitress called it horseplay, but I
doubt a pony ever came up with an idea as cool
as my blindfolded waffle and syrup battle.

(John Gephart IV)



Whenever I'm walking home in the dark
and afraid that a psycho might attack me,
I use reverse psychology and convince
myself that I am the psycho.

(Steve Nathans)



It's nice that my doctor leaves little
cups of apple juice lying around the
office in case patients get thirsty.
I just wish he'd buy a better-tasting brand.

(Bob Van Voris)



I hate winter. By the time spring
arrives, my nipples have worn holes
through all my favorite shirts.

(Brad Osberg)



You know, it would be better if the saying was,
"It's like taking candy from a baby whose father
isn't standing nearby ready to punch out whoever
takes his child's candy." That way, I'd be enjoying
some candy instead of waiting for my jaw to heal.

(Alan Bland)



When I play with kids, instead of saying,
"Got your nose!" I say, "Got your appendix!"
That way, they can't prove you wrong with
a mirror — and if you accidentally
really took it, they'd probably be okay.

(Scott Charles, Sr.)



If the IRS wanted to put something
really useful on their website, how
about a list of countries that don't
have an extradition treaty with the U.S.?

(Brad Osberg)



After the failure of our birth control method
and my girlfriend's subsequent pregnancy,
the absurdity of it all hit me: Why do white
people even *try* to use the rhythm method?

(Paul Hughes)



I was taken aback when the waitress brought
me a plate of tobacco leaves covered in whiskey,
but I guess at a sports bar, I should have
known better than to order the Ty Cobb salad.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It's funny how the hip-hop "booty"
is different from the old-time pirate
"booty" — yet if you have either of them,
you can pretty easily get the other.

(Michael Cunningham)



In a show of American resolve, I've decided not
to purchase anything even remotely affiliated
with the French, including French's mustard.
I'll still buy Grey Poupon though, but only
because I always laugh when I say the name.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Anybody could have come up with
the idea for Slim Jims. The genius
part was in making them boneless.

(Bob Van Voris)



I'll bet you five dollars that a demon has
never used the phrase, "Hey, nice job, buddy."
Unless he was just being sarcastic or something.

(Mark Niebuhr)



Since I can't afford to drive a bright
yellow Hummer, I'm going to get a big
flashing sign for my car that says,
"I'm in serious need of your attention!"

(Bernie Spencer)



"What Would Jesus Do?" may be a good philosophy
of life for some, but I find that it rarely
helps me decide how much to tip a hooker.

(Charles Gulledge)



I've found that it's really hard to give
gifts to fish, seeing as how nearly everything
you put in their tank ends up killing them.

(John Gephart IV)



If there's one thing that shouldn't be
sold in family-size packs, it's condoms.

(Kim Moser)



Why is it that everyone stocks up on milk,
eggs and bread before a big storm? When the
blizzard hits, I don't think my top activity
will be making boatloads of French toast.

(John Gephart IV)



If life were really like a box of chocolates,
I'd be one zit-faced, tub-of-lard loner,
'cause, boy, do I like chocolate!

(Mark D. Sabien)






© 1998-2009.  All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.