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Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010

The worst part about owning a hellhound
isn't the sulphuric-acid drool or even
the brimstone dog-breath -- it's that
chorus of demonic voices that follow
us around while we're doing walkies.

(Travis Ruetenik)

The president's daughters really don't make the
news for bad behavior all that often. If my father
had been president, man, I'd have been in the news
every week! Then again, maybe that has something
to do with why my father was never president.

(Chuck Bonner)

Sixteen hours after deciding to end it
all and writing the note, I realized that
my plan for a slow, but painless death of
suicide by masturbation was not working.

(Col. Klink)

Thanks to modern technology, you no
longer have to wash your hands after
using a public restroom. Those air-
blower thingies dry the pee right up.

(John Mays)

There's nothing quite like the peace
and solitude of being in the country.
Now if I could just get those
damn birds to shut up.

(Tom Sims)

Everything I ever needed to know about life I
learned in daycare. Just in case any of you
kindergarten graduates think you're all that.


As an athlete, I am ever so grateful that
Gatorade was invented at the University of
Florida. If Florida State had discovered
it, I'd be drinking "Seminole Fluid."

(John Schmidt)

Then all of a sudden it hit me:
I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.

(Daniel Bokor)

Okay, am I the only one who can see more than
one meaning for the phrase "It's time to get in
touch with ourselves"? Apparently I am, at least
at the group session of Masturbators Anonymous.

(Tooter Day)

Spectravision. Shoe mitt.
Coincidence? I think not!

(Ward Cobleigh)

If they ever had a contest for funniest
disease, I have to think "rabies" would win.
Sure, a lot of people might vote for "scabies,"
but the 100-percent mortality rate of
rabies pushes it over the top in my book.

(Bob Van Voris)

I loved my old job when I could hide in my
cubicle and spend the day farting around.
Instead it's just work, work, work here
at the baked bean methane-research lab.

(Mark D. Sabien)

Celebrity boxing is an affront to every
principle of human dignity -- but on the
bright side, at least the celebrities
involved get punched for participating.

(The Covert Comic)

I'm against so-called technological advancement.
For example, it was a sad, sad day when transistors
replaced telephone switchboard operators, because chips
don't have breasts that jiggle up and down as they
raise their arms to plug in the connection wires.

(Michael Cunningham)

I didn't know what to do with all my extra
samples of Vioxx and Celebrex -- until I
realized they'd make perfect stocking stuffers
for my never-happy-with-my-gifts husband!

(Stephanie Shiner Thompson)

It's better to be a red person in a blue state
than a blue person in a red state. As a red
person, if your blue neighbors turn into a mob
at least you have a gun to protect yourself.
As a blue person, your only hope is to appease
the red mob with herbal tea and marinated tofu.

(Phil Garding)

When fish say, "open up a whole new can of
worms", it probably means something good.
But when they say, "dragged by a shiny
metal hook to a slow waterless death",
I bet that's not so good.

(Dave James)

You know that thing dogs do when they tilt
their heads because you whimpered or baby-
talked? I bet they're thinking, "Who the
hell put *this* fool in charge of the leash?"

(Kristian Idol)

I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses
from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to
Communion and saw what He considers a serving size.

(Marsha Clodfelter)

You have to be careful with computers these days.
If you leave your e-mail open at work,
anyone can send messages from your account.

P.S. I'm a doody head and I like to eat boogers.

(Karl Bean)

To the critics who say Peter, Paul and Mary's
Puff the Magic Dragon is a reference to
marijuana, I say: nonsense. And neither is my
remix, Smokey McToke the Hyper Crack Monkey.

(Kim Moser)

I'll bet the reason drag queens don't
travel through time is that they get tired
of being mistaken for early presidents.


I felt kinda bad about winning that
craps game. How was I supposed to
know the guy's kid needed new shoes?

(John Dockery)

If you see a woman get a run in her pantyhose
and nothing happens, then you know she's okay.
But if she flies around the room like
a balloon with its air let out, then you
know she's been storing gas in there.


The only reason all those anti-drug bills
keep getting passed is because most of us
pro-drug people are too messed up to vote.

(Bill Fluharty)

For Christmas, I gave my wife a perfume
that smells like rum-scented vomit.
Considering that's what her clothing ends
up smelling like after we go out anyway,
I figured I'd just save us both some time.

(Mark D. Sabien)

Nothing rings in the new year like a new
tattoo. This year, I just hope I finish
before the guests regain consciousness.

(Dave Goudsward)

This year I once again got drunk at the office
Christmas party and once again, I ended up
making photocopies of my flabby, naked butt.
So now I'm making a New Year's Resolution:
I'm going to hit the gym more often this year
so my ass will look better by next Christmas.

(Brad Wilkerson)

If I've learned anything from my middle-aged
American Literature professor, it is this:
The phrase "receiving a maiden" sounds way
more professional than "cheating on my wife
with my teenaged blonde teaching assistant."

(Jeff Sinclair)

I sense that re-gifting is never much of a
problem at the family Christmas gatherings
held at that Memento dude's house.

(Mark D. Sabien)

At Bob's Plumbing and Ballet Company, their
presentation of Swan Leak isn't that
impressive, but come Christmastime, their
rendition of The Buttcracker is to die for.

(Randy Lee)

Looking back, I realize not getting that
"Li'l Jack The Ripper Prostitute Mutilation
Playset" for Christmas was the single most
devastating and influential event in my
life, and is the reason that I became the
cruel and sadistic murderer I am today.
That, and all of my awful experiences at
the Happy-Go-Lucky Funtime Irony School.

(Chris Woodall)

There I was, holding up a bank,
three people already dead and
the bomb ticking away in the
back room, when it suddenly hit me...
Santa was watching the whole thing!

(Jerry L. Embry)

I remember the time Uncle Rick brought back some
meat from his deer-hunting trip and joked that
he and his buddies shot Rudolph and took him to
the locker for processing. We all had a good
laugh over dinner -- but things got mighty
quiet later when cousin Rudy never came home.

(Mark D. Sabien)

I still maintain my initial interpretation is
equally valid, but it seems that all this time
I really *have* been misreading the slogan on
my sunflower seeds packages. Apparently, it's
actually "Eat. SPIT. Be happy." Now that the
confusion has cleared, I've finally been allowed
to re-join the rest of the team in the dugout.

(Steiner Sellers)

People are always telling me, "Talk to
the hand!" but I never fall for that.
Sure, it *starts* with talk, then you're
having drinks with the hand -- and
before you know it, you're having cheap,
unfulfilling sex that you feel guilty
about the next day. Or at least that's
the way it always goes for me at home.

(Kevin Paul Wickart)

So there I was, in the bus station restroom,
when I got this great idea for a novel. It's
about a girl who's sitting there, broken-hearted,
waiting for some guy to call her for a good time.

(Mike Cunningham)

When my wife and I first met, she didn't
like me much because I'm almost 40 years
older than she is. But I eventually won
her over, partially because I've got such
devilish charm, and partially because she
REALLY wanted to stay in this country.

(Harrison Cockerill)

If I were to become disillusioned and leave
my job working the guillotine during the
French Revolution, I doubt I'd have the guts
to ask for some kind of severance package.

(Mark D. Sabien)

I don't know why that woman at the health
club got all upset at me for watching her.
After all, I *was* using the StareMaster.

(Lee Entrekin)

I obeyed my dog's orders when he
instructed me to kill those people.
But I'm putting my foot down regarding
his command to drink out of the toilet.

(Miles Walker)

I finally got a new job that didn't
require random drug testing, so I
ran straight to Costco and bought
a whole case of those pot pies.

(Justin Petitmort)

When the police told me that anything I said could
be used against me in a court of law, I eagerly
shouted, "Fur handcuffs and an ostrich feather!"
Hey, who WOULDN'T want to be on the
receiving end of that kind of justice?

(Kim Moser)

While it may have seemed like a wise business
move at the time, I wonder if the guys down at
the Good Intentions Quarry regret having posted
the winning bid for that paving contract.

(Mark D. Sabien)

If I were a king who was about to be conquered
by Rome, I'd be all, like, "Go ahead, Caesar!
Throw your infantry at me!!! Do your best!"
Why should I be afraid of a bunch of babies?

(Clynch Varnadore)

Rest area, rest home -- what difference does
it make? I'm sure Grandma enjoyed seeing
all those big trucks pulling in and out.

(Jerry L. Embry)

Lunar eclipses must be rough on werewolves.
One minute you're making a macho attack
on a beautiful co-ed, the next you're a
bald, naked CPA in the back of a police car.

(Jerry L. Embry)

When I get a college brochure, the first thing
I look for is racial diversity. If I don't see
a few minority faces in the pictures, I toss
it aside, because who wants to go to some
podunk college that can't even afford Photoshop?

(Bill Muse)

Some men see things as they are and ask,
"Why?" Some men dream of things that
never were and ask, "Why not?" I dream of
Lucy Liu and ask, "Is she hot or what?"

(Bill Fordes)

In theory, saying, "I'm not actually a gynecologist,
but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night," to my
patients is quite humorous. In practice, it seems
to land me in court a bit more than I care for.

(Ben Hall)

For the Halloween party at work this
year, I went as a disgruntled employee.
The costume was simple: All I had to do was wear
my regular clothes and *improve* my attitude.

(James Knowles)

If ever there were a case for renewing Prohibition,
it's that old guy I see pathetically wandering
around the ballpark muttering repeatedly,
"Beer? Beer?"

For crying out loud, the dude has a whole
case of the stuff strapped to his chest!

(Mark D. Sabien)

I often remember the wise words my grandma
shared with me: "Take hold of your destiny.
It's right there in front of you. No,
to your right a little. Your OTHER right,
Einstein! Grab it, you STUPID IDIOT!"

(Karl Bean)

I never felt disappointment toward my
open-minded parents until the day I
realized the Cross-Dressing Barbie they
gave me was really just Ken in a miniskirt.

(Leah B.)

I try to keep a positive perspective about my
lack of meaningful relationships, reminding
myself that sometimes love just takes a vacation.
An interminable, agonizingly lonely vacation.

(Karl Bean)

I try to look at the bright side of things.
For example, that burning sensation when I
urinate keeps my urethra warm in the winter.

(Brad Wilkerson)

Sure, I felt stupid, but I was also mighty
relieved when my doctor told me the burning
sensation I was experiencing while urinating
was due to standing too close to the campfire.

(Kim Moser)

There is no better apple than the
Royal Gala. When they appeared on the
scene, they kicked all the other
apples' asses. Red Delicious, Cortland,
Macintosh... they should just put
them all in a bin marked "Loser apples
for people who don't know any better."

(Doug Vargas)

When I awoke in the middle of the night to the
scratching on my closet door, it brought back my
old fear of monsters lurking in the dark. Then
I realized it was just the kids trying to get out.

(Kyle S.)

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed citizens can change the world --
or that monkeys have been cleared
by the tower to fly out of my ass.
Stop kidding yourself, Dr. Do-good.

(Mr. Sun)

With the election coming up, I'm going to
do everything I can to help my candidate
win -- except drive elderly people to the
polls, though, because once that teetering-
on-the-verge-of-death geezer smell gets
into your upholstery, you can forget
about ever getting chicks to put out.

(Mark D. Sabien)

I looked under the hood; I inspected
the tires and asked about the gas mileage;
I even wanted to know if there were any
bodies left in the trunk. Then it occurred
to me: Never look a gift hearse in the mouth.

(Stephanie Shiner-Thompson)

I'm writing a play about hookers
moving from New York to Las Vegas.
I'm calling it "Westward Ho."

(Jeff Lyons)

Sure, they *looked* great, lying there
in their golden bowl, glistening like
wet rubies, but they tasted like crap
and chipped one of my teeth! That's
the last time *I* order bling cherries.

(Mark Spence)

Sure, my friend Abacus is a bit
socially awkward and dresses funny.
But of all the people I know, he's
the one I can always count on.

(Andy Krakowski)

In today's corporate environment, it's
easy to become lost amid the meshed web of
departmental hierarchy and bureaucracy.
According to this memo, however, it seems
folks are starting to get a little annoyed
by my cubicle-to-restroom breadcrumb trail.

(Mark D. Sabien)

Whenever I find myself in a new city where I
want to make friends, I take my giant pepper
grinder to the fanciest restaurant in town and
ask people, "Would you like some fresh pepper
with that?" 'cause fresh pepper is the best
ice-breaker in the world. I don't wear my pants
with the cut-out butt cheeks anymore, though --
I've already got enough new friends in the
law enforcement and mental health communities.

(Bob Van Voris)

I nearly ran over a turtle today. I hate
it when they dart out in traffic like that.

(Lee Entrekin)

I don't claim to be some kind of expert on the
subconscious or anything, but I'm pretty sure that
dream where Joe Camel is eating a corn dog while
walking his dachshund means I should probably
spend less time in the men's sauna at the gym.

(Brad Wilkerson)

One bad thing about working for yourself
is if you call in and say your grandmother
died, you know you're just making it up.

(Harrison Cockerill)

When my friend told me I missed her birthday,
I profusely apologized and told her it's because
I forgot there was a September 29th this year.
Then I added, "Whew! It's a good thing I'm so
fast-thinking or I would have had to buy that
annoying, shallow gold-digger a gift or something!"

(Mark D. Sabien)

I think it would be a good idea to have
fortune cookies tell people how they're going
to die. That way, people wouldn't have that
surprised look on their faces when it happens.
That is, unless they don't like Chinese food.

(Karl Bean)

There's no sense in beating a dead horse.
Unless it died from swallowing too many
whoopee cushions -- then let the games begin!

(Rob Tierney)

Well, I made sure my new wife and I both ate lots
of cheese at our wedding reception. I'm not sure
why, but apparently it's customary for newlyweds
to constipate their marriage on the first night.

(Scott E. Frank)

Sure, "In space no one can hear you scream,"
but duct-taped to a locker with a jock strap
stuffed in your mouth, no one can hear you
scream either. Friggin' high-school gym class.

(Rob Bodine)

I think the most humiliating part about being
sent off to fat camp as a kid was being reduced
to sitting around the fire roasting s'lesses.

(Mark D. Sabien)

My greatest dream is to be able to understand
all the animals, just like Doctor Doolittle.
But first I'll have to figure out a good
way to tune out the chickens and cows who'd
be constantly begging me not to eat them.

(Bob Van Voris)

I was reluctant to try the new cannibal
restaurant down the street, because I don't eat
a lot of meat. The waiter suggested I order the
meat and fish combination, and he was absolutely
right. The "Surf 'n' Murph" was terrific.

(Pat Sajak)

Have you ever been talking to a woman and
right away you start picturing her naked?
Then you worry that maybe she has ESP, so
you start thinking, "HELLO! HELLO! ARE YOU
YOU NAKED?!?" And then you sheepishly realize
you're not thinking it, but shouting it?
Anyway, next time I'll remember not to look
at Justice O'Connor during my oral argument.

(Bert Rosinov)

I think it would be great to be a Siamese
twin, because any time you have sex,
it's gonna be at least a three-way.

(Lynn Willis)

I'm all for increased airport security,
and I'm sure there are reasons for
each of the recently added measures.
Still, I've got no clue what that German
shepherd was supposedly detecting by bouncing
up and down while grappling my leg.

(Mark D. Sabien)

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Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.