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Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010


If I had a nickel for every time some homeless
person asked me for change, I'd probably feel
even more guilty as I walked right past them,
eyes fixed on the ground. But to soothe my guilt,
I'd go buy a hot cup of coffee, come back to that
same homeless person, sit down beside them, and
drink it nice and slow. Then I'd stand up, slap
'em on the shoulder and say, "Hey man, thanks for
the coffee!" -- because nothing takes the edge off
of guilt better than a good dose of comedic irony.

(Dave Juurlink)



If I had a nickel for every paycheck I've
blown on cocaine and cheap hookers, I could
spend a whole weekend doing nothing but...
well, you probably see where this is headed.

(Donald Junter)



If you have an infinite number of monkeys typing
on an infinite number of typewriters, how would you
know that what they're typing on the very first
day isn't actually Shakespeare in monkey-language?

(Bliss Chicowitz)



I would never want to be the king of the monkey
world because I'd have to sit around naked
all day, eating bananas and flinging poo at my
subjects. Sure, it sounds like a dream come true,
but the problem is I don't like bananas.

(Donald Junter)



If life hands you lemons, sell them at the market
and buy a big handgun with the profits, then go
track down that sucker and teach him what it
means to mess with a guy with a big handgun.

(Steven D'Aprano)



If life gives you lemons, grind them into a
fine juice and drink it. If life gives you
pesky little neighbor children... well, you know.

(Phil Peters)



Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and if you charge him
enough for it, he'll spend the rest of his
life selling fish to pay off his student loans.

(Anthony Reyer)



Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to call Domino's and you feed him
for a lifetime -- AND he'll get free cheesy bread.

(Donald Junter)



If I were a caveman, I'd find someone's drinking
coconut and poke a hole in the side of it -- instant
dribble glass! I could also use a saber-tooth tiger
bladder to make a whoopee cushion, but something
tells me that cave folks weren't very sheepish about
passing gas, so the joke might be lost on them.

(Donald Junter)



I just got this "Road Runner: Raw" DVD and you
would not believe the filthy stuff this bird says
to egg on the coyote. Of course in the standard
censored version all you ever hear is "beep beep."

(Phil Andrews)



Does my bologna have a first name in order to
better communicate with the other cold cuts in
the refrigerator? So far, the only other meat
I am aware of that has a first name is Frank.

(Carolyn Mansager)



There's no "I" in "team", but there are three
"I's" in "multiple personality disorder."

(Bob Van Voris)



If some guy ever really *was* trapped inside
a small glass box on a crowded city street,
and he had white and black makeup on his face,
and he was wearing suspenders and a really
stupid-looking cap, would it be so funny?

(The Covert Comic)



Vegetius said:
If you want peace, prepare for war.

Paul the Apostle said:
If you want peace, work for justice.

Twenty bucks says:
Vegetius kicks Paul's ass
in a paint-ball fight.

(The Covert Comic)



With the success of his grills combined
with his age, it's only a matter of time
till we see a George Foreman Lean Mean
Cremation Machine hit the marketplace.

(John Gephart IV)



When I was a kid, my mom always told me
that I had to eat everything on my plate
because some kid was starving in China.
Now that that Chinese kid and I are grown up,
he must be getting laid twice a day, because
I haven't seen any action in months.

(Vince Grewe)



How could they fire me?!? Putting "Ottoman
Empire expert" on my resume as a euphemism
for "couch potato" wasn't being dishonest!

(J. Murphy)



As a doctor, I sometimes find it difficult to
relate to my patients. For instance, an old
lady complained about waking up all stiff.
To me, that's the start of a great day!

(Rob Laramee)



Of all the nicknames I had in high school,
I think "Fat-ass, worthless, greasy,
pizza-face waste of skin" was the worst.
Either that, or "Spud."

(Allen Lindsey)



Whenever I get a nasty migraine headache,
I start to think that I should be using a
hammer to drive nails, rather than my head.
Then I come to my senses and think,
"Where's the fun in THAT?!?"

(Dave Brennan)



I named my cat "Thwap," because
that's the noise he makes when he
slides head-first into the fridge.

(Jason Boone)



I never understood why they call it
"getting lucky" when it has nothing
to do with luck and everything
to do with a crisp new $100 bill.

(Kim Moser)



Some people hear voices in their heads.
Me, I hear a piano. Not so bad, you think?
Let me tell you about Chopsticks Week.

(Dan Thompson)



I bet I'd stop finding grasshoppers so
amusing if they were 100 times bigger
and had baseball bats. Well, unless
the baseball bats were only 1/8" long,
of course -- *that* would be hilarious.

(John Gephart IV)



The reason Dieting Makes You Fat! is
because it takes a whole pound of Godivas
and a quart of milk to wash the taste of
a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth.

(Michelle Argabrite)



I bet those gangsta rappers aren't such tough
guys. Hell, my 90-year-old grandpa curses and
wears pants that are three sizes too big, too.

(Donald Junter)



I sometimes wonder what's better: to give 100%
effort and risk failure or not to try at all.
Then I think, "Who cares, I still get paid
over $30,000 a year to surf Internet porn
and shoot rubber-bands at my co-workers!"

(Dale Brown)



Sometimes, when I drop my pen, I can't
help but wonder if it's really God's
way of saying he wants to see my butt.

(Colleen Tang)



One good thing about knowing North Korea
has nukes that can reach the United States:
My constipation has cleared *right* up!

(Fran Fruit)



I have friends who seem to have it all:
A wonderful spouse, good kids, college
education, nice car, house, spiritual maturity,
high morals, etc. Sometimes I find myself
thinking, "Why can't *I* have a nice car, too?"

(E. Smith)



Word to the wise: If you think it might be funny
to show up at work and put gum in your boss's hair
and have him freak out, then tell him that it's
just a joke and in fact it's really Silly Putty,
be advised that your boss might not actually find
it all that humorous -- especially if you work
for the same guy I worked for up until yesterday.

(Bill Ervin)



I'm really pissed off that I forgot to
watch TV last Monday -- I wanted to see
the look on that poor girl's face when
she learned that Joe Millionaire guy
had been lying about his last name.

(Kim Moser)



I'm as willing as the next guy to suspend
disbelief, but I'm just not buying
Steven Seagal as an ass-kickin' geologist.

(Scott E. Frank)



There's no sense beating a dead horse --
but if you've reached the point where
you even seriously consider that abusing
a dead animal might improve your lot in
life, I say go ahead and give it a shot.

(Anthony Myers)



Sometimes there's a fine line between
participating in an extreme sport and just
playing a conventional sport very, very badly.

(Andy Ihnatko)



When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my
hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything.

(Mitch Berg)



Sometimes I think I've totally wasted my life.
That's when I call my mom, and she always reassures
me: "You're not a failure, boy. That's just the
crystal meth talking!" Mothers are great that way.

(Derek Cockram)



I never did find out who everybody's favorite
character on "Friends" was, but judging by
the ass-kicking I got in the holding tank
that night, I'm guessing it wasn't Ross.

(Rob Bodine)



Some people call me a space cowboy.
Some call me the gangster of love.
Something tells me my Halloween
costume still needs work.

(Graham Rowe)



Sometimes I wish I were a dog. Then I'd be
able to pee wherever and whenever I wanted
without racking up all this jail time.

(Dave Brennan)



I told the teacher my son wasn't very smart,
and she said something about the acorn not
falling far from the tree. Since I never studied
treeology, I don't have a clue what that means.

(Michael Cunningham)



I realize drinking isn't the answer
to all of life's problems, but it
sure does a great job at solving
that "unattractive sex partner" one.

(Chester Ingraham)



Something tells me the town that inspired
U2's song "Where the Streets Have No Name"
was also the impetus for "I Still
Haven't Found What I'm Looking For."

(Ian Dauphinee)



A woman uses thousands of facial tissues a year.
A careful man, however, can use one handkerchief
for almost eight months before it's full.

(Michael Cunningham)



If we are to learn anything of value from
"Star Trek," it's that the universe is filled
with vastly different styles of foreheads.

(Chris Needles)



I think the fact we haven't detected any
signs of intelligent life forms within our
galaxy is evidence in itself they exist.
Think about it: If you lived next
to us, would you tip your hand?

(Brad Osberg)



Out of all the positions in which
to be found drunk, naked, unconcious
and vomit-flecked, I'd have to say
my least favorite is spread-eagle.
It simply is NOT very dignified.

(Brad Osberg)



My wife is always accusing me of getting
us lost while vacationing, but as I've told
her, the authorities say that only applies
when we've been missing for 24 hours.

(Bill Fluharty)



When I finally meet God, if He tells me
I'm permitted to ask Him just one question,
I think my question will be: "Being a little
stingy with the questions, aren't we?"

(The Covert Comic)



If you love someone, set them free -- then if
they come back to you, you'll know it was truly
meant to be. If they don't come back, though,
it's best to keep calling every couple of days,
you know, just to see if they were *trying* to
return but maybe got hit by a bus or something.

(Michael Whitmire)



"Making whoopee" has got to be the
all-time stupidest euphemism for sex.
Except, of course, for Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg.

(Larry Hollister)



After years of uneventfully ordering
a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can imagine my surprise at the side of
beef I ordered last night for dinner.

(Scott E. Frank)



When I was younger, I used to think it
was funny to say, "If I had a moustache,
I'd look just like my dad." Now that I
have to add "gray" in front of "moustache"
it's suddenly not so funny anymore.

(Ashley Deckard)



Every year for Halloween, I give out my
famous "mouse heads." It's not what you
think: I coat them in chocolate first.

(Michael Cunningham)



If the Jovian moon Europa has liquid water,
as many scientists believe, it could easily
harbor life, and that would be thrilling (unless
scientists say it wouldn't be thrilling, of course).

(The Covert Comic)



I had to finally break down and do my taxes yesterday.
Evidently my whole leave-it-out-and-the-little-people-
will-do-it-for-me-while-I-sleep-paradigm wasn't nearly
proactive enough for those hardasses at the IRS.

(Chris MacEachen)



Now that I'm a dad, I love playing silly games
with my daughter. Like "I spy, with my little eye...
something I want you to slip into your Britney
Spears backpack while I distract the clerk."

(Brad Osberg)



It takes a big man to admit he's wrong.
To be precise, it takes a big wrong man.

(The Covert Comic)



I'll bet the few first cavemen to discover
fire all died when they tried to impress
their cavewomen by wearing it as bling.

(Mike Ranston)



I see where President Bush is
pressing for a total ban on cloning.
Hmmm... I wonder *which* President Bush?

(Walter Means)



Luckily for me, men call you "feisty"
if you're a redhead. If I were a blonde
or a brunette, I'd just be a bitch.

(Jenn McNanna)



As I look back at all the times I've gotten
together with old friends, it's worth noting
that not once has any of us ever said,
"Dude, you remember that time you stayed SO
sober and you did TOTALLY rational stuff?"

(Carl Knorr)



Luckily for me, men call you "feisty"
if you're a redhead. If I were a blonde
or a brunette, I'd just be a bitch.

(Jenn McNanna)



I remember young Dr. Frankenstein when
he was just out of medical school and
still trying to get his head together.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I was attacked in an alley and my
purse was stolen and people ignored me.
They just kept right on bowling.

(Fanny Bright)



The third "Star Wars" movie proves
what most fans have always suspected:
Anakin Skywalker is just a big Sithy.

(Lucy Hanouille)



I've always loved the lilting, exotic sound
of the name Jorge. Well, except when pimps
use it to try to get their bitches' attention.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I've always loved lions and I've
always loved tigers. Unfortunately,
during the great zoo escape,
I was torn between two lovers.

(Michael Cunningham)



Never buy a chess set at a pawn shop.
All the big pieces will be missing.

(Jerry L. Embry)



My bowling league meets every Monday,
and I play terribly every time and
it always pisses me off. My team
says I have irritable bowl syndrome.

(Nick Smith)



I don't live in Missouri, but I have a great
idea for their state motto that would help
promote tourism. Instead of the "Show Me State,"
they should go with "Missouri Loves Company."

(Phil Garding)



My two dogs, Hero and Foam, are a riot.
One did so many circles before lying down
that the other one was disgusted to the
point of lifting his leg and peeing on him.
That's right, Hero piddled while Foam turned. 

(Randy Lee)



Breeches of security are all over the news,
these days, so I have to wonder if they'd do
a better job for Grandma than her Depends --
THOSE just aren't cutting the mustard anymore.

(M. A. McDonald)



Halloween is confusing. When I pepper-spray
trick-or-treaters, do I score that as
a trick on the kids or as a treat for me?

(Michael Cunningham)



I hired conjoined twin sisters to serve
as the assistants for my magic act. That
way, if things go terribly wrong during
my "cut the woman in half with a chainsaw"
trick it might not be a total disaster.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Since starting my blog, my life
has become an open book for all
to see. Unfortunately, there's not
nearly as much porn as I'd hoped for.

(David Gunter)



People are so wishy-washy. If you turn your
infant children off candy by very mildly poisoning
their sweets, you're some sort of "villain."
But when they turn 22 and have never had
a single cavity, you're suddenly a "hero."

(Davejames)



Looking at it from a coaching standpoint, I need
two good marriages in a row to get back to .500.

(Harry Woodhouse)



Ta-da! /tah*DAH/ interjection.
Useful for breaking the tension when your
parents come home and find you stark naked on top
of the refrigerator, covered in chocolate syrup.

(Jim Evarts)



I don't believe in organized religion, so I
joined a disorganized religion. Last Sunday,
the preacher overslept and arrived thirty
minutes late with no sermon, and then the
Ladies' Auxiliary lost the names of people
volunteering for next week's bake sale.

(Chris Lipe)



You can get farther with a kind word and
a gun than you can with just a kind word.
But if you've got the gun and the kind
word *and* you've got a big tray of nice,
crisp bacon to pass around, man, you
can pretty much write your own ticket.

(Andy Ihnatko)



Okay, so maybe there's no place like home,
but I would think 107 Couch Potato Lane in
Bigscreenville isn't a bad second place to be.
Especially in apartment 44DD on the 69th floor.

(Ted Jasmin)



Ten years ago when I was single, I'd go on
a date with a girl, take her out to dinner,
go on the town with her for four hours
and spend over $200. Last night, I did the
same thing with my wife. The difference?
My wife actually came home with me -- and
helped me put away the $150 of groceries
we bought before we went to bed at 10:30.

(Carl Knorr)



I wish human beings had the power to regenerate
lost appendages. But not if that flab of skin
that used to hang from my elbow counts as an
appendage, because I couldn't bear to think
of having to sand off *that* thing again.

(JP Styskal)



So my online Tolkien Society buddies were
one-upping each others' ability to translate
the elvish in the "Lord of the Rings" movies
real-time, but only *I* could tell it was
actually being slightly corrupted by a
subtle Klingon accent. Take that, losers!

(Mark Spence)



Sure, I've got plenty of skeletons in
my closet. But thanks to those stupid
padded hangers my wife bought for her
dresses, now they all smell like potpourri.
I mean, why did I even friggin' bother?

(Andy Ihnatko)



I think we all have a responsibility to report
criminal activities to the police, even if
the criminal happens to be your next door
neighbor, and even if he's not really a criminal,
but it's just a boring Sunday afternoon and
you're just looking to liven things up a bit.

(Dave Brennan)



The good thing about putting a Gummi
bear in your belly button is that the
heat keeps it soft and chewy. The bad
thing is that when you remove it,
it comes out wearing a lint toupee.

(Phil Garding)



I've had to replace the bamboo plant on my desk
at work twice because someone keeps stealing it.
I don't know for sure who the thief is, but I'm
keeping my eye on that panda in Accounts Payable.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Chicks are weird, man. Why the hell
would that woman from the Hawaiian
escort service think I'd want to spend
$150 on a stupid flower necklace?

(Ed Blount)



When I go before the judge, I sure hope
I get good marks for artistic impression,
because that Breathalyzer test is pretty
much gonna kill my technical score.

(Tommy Jack)



It's usually funny to hum the theme from
"Jeopardy!" while people are concentrating
to make a difficult quick decision.
I guess the other members of my bomb
squad just don't have a sense of humor.

(Brad Wilkerson)



If I could have dinner with one historical
leader, it would have to be Gandhi,
because I'd be all like, "Are you gonna
eat that?" and he'd be all like, "No."

(Travis Ruetenik)



Of course, nobody knows exactly how our
prehistoric ancestors insulted each other,
but I'll bet we can be pretty sure the
phrase "... and the iguanodon you rode
in on" would get your skull clubbed in.

(Travis Ruetenik)



If I were going to run for president of Iraq,
I would change my name to Iwanna Handajab,
because who wouldn't check THAT box?

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



Sometimes women send mixed signals. For example,
if you read every 11th letter in the restraining
order my girlfriend faxed me, it clearly spells
i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u, and then mostly gibberish, but
then p-u-s-b-a-g, which I presume is her new
pet name for me. She SO wants me, the coy minx.

(Bill Muse)



If you're ever in an elite paratrooper group,
on a secret mission, and your parachute doesn't open,
I don't think anyone would blame you if you scream.

(Keith Sanvidge)



Don't bother playing rock-paper-scissors
with God, since his omniscience gives him
quite an edge. Besides, on the off-chance
you sneak one past him, he'll come out
throwing "Love, which conquers all."
What are you going to do, protest
and tell God to quit being cheesy?

(Mark D. Sabien)



When facing moral dilemmas, many people
ask, "WWJD?" As for me, I prefer to ask
"WWGTM?" -- "Where will Google take me?"
It's quite uncanny the way it works every
single time, as it's always porn sites.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



I don't like to think of it as going to
work every day, so much as going to a big
building with free coffee where I can pee
on the seat without fear of retribution.

(Rob Bodine)



It's not necessarily a good thing
when your doctor is known as the
"Clown Prince of Brain Surgery."

(Bob Van Voris)



Now that I'm older, if I had to choose what
superhero I'd want to be, it would probably
be Sleep All Night Man. Or maybe Huge Bladder
Man, which would probably be just like
Sleep All Night Man except with a drier cape.

(Michael Cunningham)



So I put on my trench coat, rumpled suit and
brown shoes, and affect my best Peter Falk
imitation as I slightly cross my eyes. Alas, it
seems I'm the only one celebrating Columbo Day.

(Wiley)



My wife and I fight a lot because she
says I masturbate too much. I always let
her win, though, so I can go masturbate.

(Nick Smith)



It can't be a good sign that after only
one year of fatherhood I struggle daily to
remember my phone number, yet I can name
any Teletubbie by the sound of its voice.

(Allen Lindsey)



You can get a free meal at most seafood restaurants
if you order lobster and, upon arrival of the meal,
hysterically cry out, "This is the lobster that
killed my parents!" This doesn't work as well
with pizza though, so don't even bother.

(George MacMillan)



I agree with Groucho Marx: I wouldn't
want to belong to any club that would
have me as a member. Except for strip clubs.
I love strip clubs and so does my member.

(Jim Rosenberg)



I'll bet the first thing some pets
do when they arrive at animal heaven
is ask for their testicles back.

(Fanny Bright)



The worst part about working at the
tattoo parlor is that it's way too easy
to put off looking for the Post-Its.

(Mark D. Sabien)



First she said, "Honey, I have a head
wound!" and then it was, "A nurse could
walk in!" Is it any wonder men go
looking outside the marriage for sex?

(John Dockery)



Those guys at Disneyland who have to wear
character costumes ought to form a union.
I'm not really all that concerned about
their working conditions -- I just think
the picket lines would be a hoot.

(Anthony Myers)



As I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I shall fear no ev-- hey! A penny!

(Caleb Ronsen)



If I were a carpenter and you were
my lady, I would smooth you all over,
nail you silly, and have you clean
off my putty knife with your plumbob.

(Mark Levy)



I recently read there are some 400 million
porno pages on the Web. Just my luck -- I keep
hitting the same 350 million over and over.

(Chris MacEachen)



I wish they'd start a magazine that focused on
all the different magazines out there, enjoyed
by fabulous people who love magazines, just like
me. Then maybe they'd run a feature profiling
magazine-lovers' favorite magazines, including
that one. Some folks would probably just call
that section an "ad," though... the posers.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Rather than give my children names, each morning
I assign them different numbers that represent
how much I love them relative to their brothers
and sisters that day. Kids love number games.

(Nick Ehart)



You wouldn't think it, but the worst
part about wearing earmuffs made from a
split grapefruit and a coat hanger isn't
the cold or the wet -- it's the seeds.

(David Hyatt)



The attendant wasn't amused when I heaved my guts
out right there at his feet. Well, maybe he should
have taken time to clarify exactly what he meant
by "No alcohol allowed beyond this point."

(Howard E. Simanek)



Every autumn, many women complain about becoming
"football widows." When my ex-husband would complain
about becoming a football widower, I would just
tell him, "Shut up and get me another beer, bitch!"
Our divorce had less to do with me telling him
that than with him actually getting me the beer.

(Jenn McNanna)



This dog translator was a cool idea until I
discovered she was barking to anyone who would
listen, "Help! I'm trapped in a fetching sweatshop
with a closet geriatric-porn addict and a doctor who
writes herself Vicodin prescriptions using my name!"

(Mark D. Sabien)



I keep hearing this talk about extra
marital sex. Is there such a thing?
Is that like twice a month or something?

(Tidewater Joe)



If there really is a pole at the
North Pole, I bet there's some dead
explorer guy with his tongue stuck to it.

(Bob Van Voris)



It's a good thing a freak time warp hasn't
swapped Leonardo DiCaprio and Leonardo da Vinci,
because I'm not sure I could handle seeing both
a naked Mona Lisa *and* a smirking Kate Winslet.

(Chris Lipe)



The new guy at work always looks at me like
I'm a T-bone steak and he's a dog that hasn't
eaten in a week. Still, I guess that's better
than the guy he replaced, who looked at
me like a dog that eats his own vomit.

(Jenn McNanna)



Sure, four-leaf clovers are lucky.
Then again, *all* organisms with
freakish extra appendages are lucky.

(Tommy Jack)



I decided to shave my beard, lest I'm mistaken for
a Taliban. Then I realized I don't have a beard,
so I shaved my legs instead. It all worked out for
the best, though, because I discovered I look really
fabulous in fishnet stockings with a black garter belt.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



They say Hunter S. Thompson was
the father of gonzo journalism, but
I don't believe it. I mean, the guy
looked *nothing* like a Muppet.

(Kim Moser)



Word to the wise:
While skiing, always carry Viagra.
That may be the only way they'll be
able spot you after an avalanche.

(John Dockery)



If Pat Robertson weren't so busy worrying about
assassinating leaders in South America, he might
have had time to speak with God about diverting
this hurricane to some other place, away from
humanity. Like God, though, I guess, Pat's a
busy person and can't be everywhere at once.

(Tidewater Joe)



Roving gangs of criminals. Human waste in
the streets. That awful stench hanging in
the air. Hell, that's what I remember about
my trip to New Orleans during Mardi Gras
*last* year. Oh yeah, that and boobies.

(Brad Osberg)



I realize there is still ratings competition
among networks even during during a disaster,
but I found ABC's beginning their coverage
each day with Hank Williams, Jr. singing,
"Are you ready for some FEMA!" a bit tacky.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I don't think New Orleans is finished.
Call me an optimist, but I'll bet there
is *still* some cool stuff left to loot.

(Brad Osberg)



I'm sad about the devastation to
New Orleans, but the good thing is
that "Pontchartrain" sounds quite a
bit like "Ponch and Jon" and hey, who
doesn't like thinking about "CHiPs"?

(Bob Van Voris)



As I offer comfort to the hurricane victims
in New Orleans, I take to heart the lessons
I learned long ago during a Mardi Gras break
from Bible College: Feed the hungry, house
the homeless, give beads to the naked.

(Sandra Hull)



Whose bright idea was it to send Dick Cheney
to the disaster area? Medics were so busy
with him they hardly had time for the victims.

(Bill Fluharty)



Even though it sometimes gets depressing
as I sift through the flood-ravaged streets,
I have to say this is definitely my best
year ever for collecting Mardi Gras beads.

(John Gephart IV)



If Bourbon Street isn't ready
in time for next year's garish
costumes, glorified intoxication
and public nudity, my apartment
will just have to do. BYOB, people.

(John Gephart IV)



I just read where the Navy is sending one
of its SEAL teams to New Orleans. Frankly,
I don't think the citizens of that fair city
are in the mood for entertainment right now.

(Tidewater Joe)



In an ideal world, food would have no calories
so I could eat as much as I want without getting
fat. Of course, if food had no calories, I'd
die of starvation. Hey! I guess my weight
loss problem would be solved either way!

(Phil Garding)



I don't know which is worse:
finding skid marks in your underwear
or agonizing over when the
next car will come through.

(Kim Moser)



If you love something, set it on fire. If
it still comes back to you, then it really
loves you, and deserves whatever it gets.

(Arthur Levesque)



Before I go to all the trouble of cloning myself,
I need to know something: If I take all of us
out to eat on my birthday, will T.G.I. Friday's
give us each a free cake, or make us split one?

(John Gephart IV)



Great. I finally make it to the top of
the wait list for outsider conjugal visits
at the women's prison, and all this chick
wants to do is differentiate tenses of verbs!

(Mark D. Sabien)



Word to the wise: Never take a bargain
cruise. I did, and our ship was so
old it had posted instructions on
what to do if it fell off the edge of
the earth or encountered a behemoth.

(Bill Fluharty)



Even if you can hit a glass on the table four out
of five times when you're clipping your toenails,
women will never truly appreciate your skill.

(Clynch Varnadore)



If hand creams soothe hands and face creams soothe
faces, why isn't whipped cream doing anything for
all of those bleeding lacerations on my back?

(John Gephart IV)



I just finished the first draft of my horror
movie screenplay, "Satan Gets a Colonoscopy."
Kind of a two-for-one deal, primal fear-wise.

(Chris MacEachen)



The folks on the set were amazed at
the way I took to my new job in the
porn industry, but I always sensed
I had a peternatural talent for it.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm tired of the Man always bringin' me down.
Then again, it was my choice to subscribe to
the Comforter-of-the-Month Club to begin with.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Unfortunately, I've just been diagnosed with
IBS. I think I might get a second opinion,
though, because until now, I'd never
even heard of Irritable Bastard Syndrome.
Besides, my wife isn't even a doctor.

(Scott E. Frank)



I've decided to dedicate my body to a medical
school, and just before I die, I'm going
to swallow a little plastic toy. That way,
the medical student who cuts me open will
get a nice surprise. I just hope the other
medical students aren't sad because they
didn't get a toy with their cadaver, too.

(Steve Young)



I think it would have been funny if Christopher Columbus
had sailed over Niagara Falls on April 1, screaming,
"Oh, no! We're going over the edge of the world!!"

(Jason Turvey)



Laughter is the best medicine.
No, wait a minute, I meant "slaughter."
*Slaughter* is the best medicine. Plus,
it's pretty funny, so everybody wins!

(Bob Van Voris)



"Alien vs. Predator" -- a movie, or just
the daily struggle in Michael Jackson's head?

(Jim Evarts)



I'll bet the reason more people don't graduate
from rodeo clown school is because they don't pass
Being Funny While Getting Gored in the Ass 101.

(Donald Junter)



If I were a carpenter,
and you were my lady,
I'd nail you.

(Jim Rosenberg)



What luck! Someone turned his back
and I stole one of those $10,000 plates
they had at the Republican fund-raiser!

(Jerry L. Embry)



It seems like that for every step forward
I take in my alcohol-recovery program, I
take two steps back -- then three to the
side, then about a half-dozen around in a
little circle until I fall flat on my ass.

(Tooter Day)



I hate it when I start snoring and drooling
in homeroom -- especially when I'm not asleep.

(Walter Means)



If you lined up all of the Gummi Bears in the
world they would stretch from the earth to the
moon and back. Then, I'll bet NASA would get
all the funding they wanted to go up there and
get the Gummi Bears back, because nobody in their
right mind wants to waste that many Gummi Bears.

(Caleb Ronsen)



Who's the moron who designed Hanes and
Fruit of the Loom underwear for women?
You won't find an uglier or more
ill-fitting panty without a prescription.

(Michelle Argabrite)



It's hell being a female in a male-dominated
industry -- but the daily comments about
my tits and ass really make up for it.

(Jenn McNanna)



If I were a cat, my motto would be "My only regret
is that I have but eight lives to give for my
country." That way I'd be eight times more patriotic
than other guys, and I'd still have one life left
for the ladies at the post-war heroes after-party.

(Randy Burgard)



Do they sell a sticker that shows Calvin
urinating on a car that has a sticker of
Calvin urinating on something in its back
window? 'Cause I hate those stickers.

(George MacMillan)



Life is strange. As I sit here,
day after day, I often wonder how
a promising young mud-wrestler wound
up making change in a toll booth.

(Fanny Bright)



If you were truly a masochist, wouldn't
you suffer more if you *didn't* get whipped?

(Kim Moser)



After that bolt of lightning hit last
night, they'll never laugh at me again
for wearing my aluminum hat to protect
me from the alien rays. Of course, they
may laugh at my new aluminum-alloy head.

(Tooter Day)



Between the two chocolate-and-coconut
candy bars, why is it that the more
flat-chested one is named "Mounds"?

(Mark D. Sabien)



Every time I lock my keys in the car,
I'm thankful I had the uncommon foresight
to keep a brick stashed under the hood.

(Tidewater Joe)



I would think the hardest part of truck-driving
school is CB Lingo 201. You know, the second year,
where everything you say in class has to be in CB.

(Tidewater Joe)



Everything was fine as we watched the big white
bear frolicking with the smaller females at the
zoo. Then that same male attempted to climb the
back of another male and the ensuing bloody fight
caused entire families to run shrieking in the
other direction. Only then did I truly understand
the insidious effects of bipolar disorder.

(Tidewater Joe)



When I microwaved my dinner last night, I noticed
the directions read: "Pierce film to vent." I have
to admit, it worked! After stabbing it several
times with a kitchen knife, I felt much better.

(Daniel Hill)



My luge runs might not be the fastest ones at
the Olympic time trials, but I do this thing
where I'm dressed like Jerry Lewis in The Bellboy,
see, and I'm carrying this huge pile of luggage
like I can't see that I'm about to step onto a
luge run and then I trip and fall and holler
like a maniac all the way to the finish gate.
Judges *notice* that sort of thing.

(Andy Ihnatko)



I just don't understand it.
I eat, and eat, and eat,
yet I still can't lose weight.

(Anna Williams)



It would be nice if the Grim Reaper gave 24 hours
notice before taking us, allowing enough time to say
goodbye and arrange our affairs so we could depart
this world in a dignified manner. I'd then be able
to rest in peace knowing that my obituary would read,
"Local man found barricaded in basement, suffocated
inside world's largest recorded bean burrito."

(Mark D. Sabien)



My dog is my best friend, so I didn't mind
too much killing all those people when he told
me to. What *did* get me upset was the furry
little bastard turning me in for the reward.

(Paul B.)



No matter what they take from me,
they can't take away my dignity.
Woohoo! In your face, dignity-takers!
I'm going on "Jerry Springer!"

(Bob Van Voris)



I can drive my car about 300 miles on
a single tank of gas, but that same tank
gets me a whopping 480 kilometers! So from
now on, I'm going to do the environmentally
responsible thing and drive only in metric.

(Charles Gulledge)



If I were a cavewoman, I'd invent a wheel
and have it run over my cave husband who
can't pick up the mammoth bones he leaves
everywhere, then I'd plead innocent and
say I didn't know *what* I had invented.

(Jennifer Taylor)



Sometimes I wonder if God is really
watching over us, or if I'm going to
have to score that crack on my own.

(Scotty G.)



I'm starting to think my seeing it
as a nightmare from which I can't
escape may be hurting our marriage.

(Fanny Bright)



I think I had totally convinced my
classmates that it was someone else's
flatulence -- at least until the bell
rang and I remained stuck to my seat.

(Chester Ingraham)



I wish I had a twin, so at parties I could clap
my hands and say, "Stunt double!" and everyone
would have a good laugh. But if we ever got famous,
I'd have to get a new stunt double and give him the
ol' heave-ho, 'cause baby, that's how Hollywood works!

(Cody McKinnis)



If I had but one life to give for
my country, I'd pick somebody
I really, really dislike.

(Tidewater Joe)



Everyone at work was very surprised
when they found out that I smoke.
They'll be even more surprised when
they find out I only smoke when I drink.

(Jenn McNanna)



I called my congressman to try to reason
with him over this filibuster thing, but
after three weeks I finally hung up.

(Bill Fluharty)



If I were a conquering alien, I'd skip right
past New York and Washington, DC, and head
straight for Mount Rushmore so I could
laser-beam some pimples, earrings and Groucho
glasses on the presidents. Nothing like
a little humor to win over a hostile crowd.

(Tidewater Joe)



Her tearful tirade aside, what else
other than porn should my wife have
expected I keep on a flash drive?

(Mark D. Sabien)



Word to the wise: "Long ago, in a
galaxy far, far away..." is a good
way to start a story -- unless, of
course, the story is being told to a
cop and it's about where your pants are.

(Cpl Dustin E. Hotz)



If I were a talking dog, I'd never speak
to anyone -- unless I met someone having
a bad acid trip, in which case I'd try to
help talk them through it. Then, when they
really started to freak out because of the
talking dog thing, I'd just laugh and laugh.

(Stephanie Thompson)



I knew my sister was just waiting until
Mom wasn't around before she started
picking on me. At least at 76 years
of age, she tires pretty quickly.

(Chester Ingaham)



One of my favorite activities is surfing
the net while sitting stark naked in my chair.
I'm still not sure why they fired me,
though, because I only did it during my break.

(John Dockery)



Instead of committing random acts of kindness
this holiday season, I'm going to commit random
acts of drunken debauchery. Sure, it might not
have the same socially redeeming value, but
it'll be a lot more fun than another afternoon
serving cookies at the retirement home.

(JonnyElvis)



... and that's when I flashed a wry smile,
pointed at the image on the screen, and
said, "Ceci n'est pas une pipe bomb."
But I guess not everyone understands puns about
Rene Magritte surrealist masterpieces because
five airport cops dragged me right away from
that X-ray scanner without so much as a giggle.

(Andy Ihnatko)



Call me superstitious, but I have yet to
have an accident since hanging that grilled
cheese replica from my rearview mirror.

(Bill Fluharty)



I once had a dream in which I was eating a giant
pillow, and when I woke up I had an entire bag
of marshmallows stuck up my butt. That's
the last time *I* pass out at a frat party.

(Allen Lindsey)



Kids today have it too easy. Back in
*my* day, we actually had to get on
our hands and knees and crawl under
a desk to see a girl's underwear.

(Mystic 7)



I think if you really like a girl, you
have to pay a LOT of attention to her.
But try telling that to those jerks on the jury.

(Dave George)



If global warming were outlawed,
only outlaws would warm their globes.

(The Covert Comic)



Just because you give the ghouls, zombies and vampires
party hats, noise makers, confetti and orange soda
and call them the "Fundead" doesn't mean they won't
try to eat you. Even the Fundead gotta eat.

(Warren)



And to think I wasted good money for this
special shampoo for my 5-year-old. I got his
hair all lathered up, then told him there's
no Santa Claus. "No More Tears," my ass!

(Brad Hamer)



I'm so embarrassed. I told everyone that
Soylent Green is people, but if you read
the label closely, it says it's actually
made from "artificial people flavoring."

(Bob Van Voris)



It wasn't until I bit into the first rubbery
chunk of Larry Wilcox that I realized I
had purchased CHiPs Ahoy cookies by mistake.

(Matt Maynard)



I bet if they made an ice cream with
beef chunks wrapped in leather, they'd
call it something like "Triple Cow."

(John Gephart)



If *I* were to succumb to the dark side
of the Force, I wouldn't bother trying
to rule the entire galaxy or anything
like that. I'd be perfectly content using
it just to get laid once in awhile.

(Gus Harris)



If they don't want you to lie on the floor
and peek in, they shouldn't make the ladies'
dressing room doors so high off the ground.

(Nick Smith)



If I had the chance to go on The Jerry Springer
Show
, I would kill everyone I know the night
before, so that when Jerry says, "Well, Andrew,
we've got a surprise for you," I could say,
"No, Jerry -- I have a surprise for you!"

(Andrew)



I'm not sure why "War of the Worlds" is
considered science fiction. I mean, somebody
traveling millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise
doesn't seem all that far-fetched to me.

(Scott E. Frank)



Watching the Britney Spears concert made me feel
like a kid again -- mostly because my wife kept
telling me I was sitting too close to the TV.

(Luke Schollmeyer)



What's new, pussy cat? Why do birds
sing so gay? Who let the dogs out?
C'mon, folks, this crappy pet store gig
is what the parole officer gave me, OKAY?!?

(Mark D. Sabien)



Is there a word for when you shove
green beans up your nose and run
around the neighborhood like an idiot?
Because if not, then that cop was lying.

(Derek)



My wife is ready to have another baby.
As for me, I've got a few questions. For
example, how many children do we have now?

(The Covert Comic)



Man, I really thought I was a lock for the
Sitcom Writers Hall of Fame when I came up with
"What exactly is it you're driving at, Willis?"

(Bob Van Voris)



For Father's Day my friend got a ribbon
that says "World's Best Dad." Maybe
I'm just a sore loser, but the way it
was awarded smacks of nepotism to me.

(Matt Diamond)



Every automobile winter emergency kit should
include a jar of relish. That way, in an
extreme snowstorm emergency, those first few
bites of passenger will go down a little easier.

(John Dockery)



My boss called me into her office to
tell me I was going to get laid often.
Man, I love this job! I hope I never lose it.

(Alan Bland)



When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I
get the sensation of a York Marcie calling 911.

(Michael Sheinbaum)



I had this weird dream last night
that, after a huge meal, I was brushing
my teeth with a chicken leg.
Upon waking, I realized that I had
used my dog's toothpaste by mistake.

(Joel McClure)



It's sad to think that kids of today's generation
probably have no idea that Prince used to be
known as "the artist formerly known as Prince."

(Kim Moser)



The only thing between me and the spelling bee
championship was the word "prolegomenon" --
a word I'd never heard before. Nevertheless,
I concentrated hard and gave it my best shot:
"Prolegomenon; f ... u ... c ... k ... i ... f ...
I ... k ... n ... o ... w -- prolegomenon."

(John Schmidt)



He asked, "Lord, what about when there was
only one set of footprints and also a
straight line with bootprints on one side
and small, round circles on the other?"
The Lord replied, "Those were the times
that I carried you, and we were joined
by a pirate pushing a wheelbarrow."

(Peter Rogers)



When I was 16 my parents told me I was adopted.
Actually they told the press, but I think
it might have been just a panicky reaction
to the whole four-state killing spree thing.

(David Hirning)



Snakes are God's way of saying:
"Hey, look! A snake!"

(Andy Pierson)



I guess you can tell the craze has
run its course when the bookstores are
promoting "Mars and Venus Come to
Blows Over Toilet Seat Etiquette."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I just got the latest Thomas Kinkade painting.
It's called "The Rapper's Bitches" and
I love the way the light seems to shine
from the gold teeth and the bling.

(Bill Muse)



HUGH SMASH PUNY HUMANS!!!
HUGH IS THE STRONGEST ONE THERE--
Oh... wait, never mind.
That's "*HULK* SMASH!"
Sorry about the coffee table.

(Hugh F. Yeman)



My son is 4 years old, and these weeks and months
when he's still innocent are so precious, because
he doesn't know yet that the crackling cellophane
sound means I'm opening a new box of cookies.

(Andrew Thomas)



Good thing the ancient Greeks weren't
big Three Stooges fans or we might
all be watching Showtime at the Moe.

(George MacMillan)



The other day I was deep in thought about and
suddenly had one of those "A-HA!" moments. It's
not that I came up with a solution to my problem,
but rather I decided to forget my troubles and
go watch an '80s Norwegian music video instead.

(Kim Moser)



A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and
thou. Thou and thy shitty picnics.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I've developed a specific delivery system capable of
delivering a rubber band payload all the way across
the office onto unsuspecting cubicle terrorist targets.
Others might just call it a pair of rubber bands tied
together, but I consider myself more of a visionary.

It's too bad that "non-lethal defense system design
using common material found in office cubicles"
doesn't look all that good on a resume.

(Marshall Gatten)



Whenever I hear of person missing
from my neighborhood, I start digging
holes in my yard. Nothing freaks out
the cops more than fresh dig marks.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



I don't think it's wrong to lie to women
and tell them I'm a doctor, because they're
probably lying to me when they say they
need a gall bladder operation anyway.

(Marlin Spear)



I know the song says, "You got to know when to
hold 'em and know when to fold 'em," but let's
face it: When the blond is down to just her 36-DD
bra and skimpy panties AND she's frowning at the
four cards she just pulled, even Kenny Rogers
himself would try to draw to an inside straight.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I call it artwork. Unfortunately, the police
call it public defecation. And guess who got
the judge with no appreciation for art AGAIN?

(John Gephart IV)



I've just discovered that
"savethetsunamivictimsandshitlikethat.org"
is a fraud.

(Fanny Bright)



When I was 9, I got to visit my cousin in Canada.
While I was there, he taught me a trick
to make bubble gum. Man, does Canadian
bubble gum ever taste like poop and boogers!

(Billy Matthews)



The folks who attended my church's amateur
show are still buzzing about my Johnny Carson
imitation last night, but to tell you the truth,
once you dig the grave, the rest is pretty easy.

(Michael Cunningham)



At our house, the litter box reeks because
nobody will empty it. There are always
fresh stains on the curtains and sofa from
territory marking. We get moldy kibble
ground into the carpet at every feeding.
I can't imagine how it could be worse
-- unless, of course, we had pets.

(J. Murphy)



Sometimes when I'm bored at work, I stare at my
computer screen so long that it appears as if there
were several small people staring back at me, like
my counterparts in some other world far, far away.
The realization that it's a reflection of my
co-workers standing behind me laughing tends
to diminish the romantic notion a bit, though.

(Mike Adams)



Being a literalist can sometimes be very helpful.
I can always respond to "Do these jeans make my
ass look fat?" with a confident and honest "No."
But I dread the day when she rephrases it
as "Does my ass look fat in these jeans?"

(Ian Dauphinee)



Imagine sitting at home some evening, minding
your own business, reading a good book when
all of a sudden Adolf Hitler sneaks up behind
you and slams you on the head with a brick.
That'd be just like him too, the bastard!

(Chris MacEachen)



I just know deep in my bones that someday
my lifelong dream will come true and I'll
actually meet the Olsen twins face to face.
I even know what I'll say: "Get in the car!"

(Chris MacEachen)



I finally discovered the secret to invisibility:
Simply drink 12 beers in under two hours, and then,
when your urine is transparent, you know you're
free to ogle and grope any woman in the bar --
completely undetected! Things get a little foggy
after that, but I do know that when you can see
your skin again, it's kinda purplish and sore.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I think one reason they call
them "relaxed fit" jeans is
that "ass the size of Texas"
jeans would not sell very well.

(Jim Rosenberg)



Not only do I let a smile be my umbrella,
I also have this little eyelid
spasm that works great as galoshes.

(JJ Gertler)



I just got some horrible news:
My new coworker is S.O.B. positive.

(Jim Rosenberg)



Stealing my 6-year-old's allowance money
to buy beer would make me the world's worst
father -- if I hadn't shared it with him.

(Miles Walker)



I saw the aftermath of a car accident this
morning -- very bad, with several fatalities.
Traffic was backed up for quite a long
way, which made me really late for work.
Why does everything happen to ME?

(Ian Dauphinee)



When my grandparents arrived in this country
from Germany, they were dirty, frightened
and penniless. I swear, that's the last time
we let them vacation by themselves.

(Dave George)



I think this whole idea of "burping"
your Tupperware is silly. Personally,
I'm waiting for Tupperware I can fart.

(Kim Moser)



My wife and I demonstrate perfectly that people
from different religions can get along, as I'm
Catholic and she's Protestant. It's great,
because my wife will be too busy burning in
Hell for all eternity to bug me about
hitting on all those hot Heaven chicks.

(Bob Van Voris)



I have an idea for a movie in which Ashton Kutcher
gets killed over and over. There isn't much plot,
but I think it's what audiences really want to see.

(Curtis Stoddard)



Okay, I can pick most of the weevils out
of a bowl of Cheerios, but when the weevil
gets into the center hole of the Cheerio,
I draw the line and throw that Cheerio away.

(Richard Field)



That sensitivity-in-the-workplace seminar
my boss made me attend would have been
a total bore had the instructor not
possessed such absolutely enormous hooters.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Women can debate all they want about whether we
should bring back silicone breast implants or stay
with saline. As for me, I can't help but wonder
if little whoopee cushions wouldn't be more fun.

(King Neptune)



His hungry eyes followed her longingly as the
woman with the beautiful breasts slowly made
her way back to her table. He thought, "Bitch
didn't leave any chicken for the rest of us."

(Pam Pickard)



I didn't get the job I wanted because it
seems they're prejudiced against Capricorns.
But I'm proud to be one, so that's what
I put on the part of the application that
said, "Sign here." We shall overcome!

(John Dockery)



I was stunned last night when my wife
accused me of being self-absorbed.
When the hell did I get a *wife*?!?

(The Covert Comic)



People laughed at me for learning to speak
Klingon, but let me tell you: There's nothing
funnier than being on the witness stand with
your hand on the Bible and watching the court
reporter go nuts when you answer the "tell the
truth" question with a loud "SHHINGO-THOTECT!"

(Dan Weckerly)



Why do I cruise Internet
porn for 14 hours a day?
Because I'm worth it!

(Chris MacEachen)



If astrology isn't true, how do you explain
the impossibly unlikely fact that there are 12
astrological signs and the 12 constellations
in the zodiac just happen to match them perfectly?
HA! Who's the smart one now, Mr. Skeptic?

(Brad Hamer)



To free oneself from anguish and doubt,
remember that whether Michael Jackson
is guilty and whether Michael Jackson
belongs in prison are two separate issues.

(Andrew Kennedy)



My ex-wife is such a friggin' idiot!
Then again, I *did* marry her, so I
guess I'm an idiot, too. Apparently,
idiocy is a sexually transmitted disease.

(Steve Burke)



I think it would be cool to be reincarnated as
an exotic animal like a Bengal tiger or a black
rhinoceros. However, it would suck when you
realized that your sole purpose in life was to
die so some old Asian guy could get an erection.

(Eddie Butt)



The guys who write dialog for dirty movies must
be the same guys who write the safety lectures
given by flight attendants. In both cases,
I'm staring at the women and not listening at
all while hoping they'll get naughty soon.

(James Knowles)



I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his
ear by accident and made up that "lost
love" story so he wouldn't look stupid.

(Andy Pierson)



They say the further along you get in life, the more
you focus on matters of the self. I must agree:
In high school, my big dream was to get in the pants
of each and every cheerleader -- now my big dream
is to get back in the pants I wore in high school.

(Carl Knorr)



I sent my dog to fetch my wallet,
but she brought it to me empty.
Bitch better have my money.

(Kim Moser)



My mom just told me that became a
septuagenarian on her last birthday.
It's her life, so I guess she can do
whatever she wants. I just hope she
doesn't give them all her money.

(Jim Pollard)



For some reason I always confuse
the words "marinate" and "masturbate."
Maybe that's why nobody likes my cooking.

(Scott E. Frank)



At least Grandpa died doing what he loved
to do -- sleeping 22 hours a day in a
hospital bed with tubes in his arms.

(J. Hutter)



Thomas Wolfe was wrong: You CAN go
home again. But they'll still pat you
on the head and call you "Booger."

(Harrison Cockerill)



If you visit the medical center and
hear my doctor yelling, "Tetanus!
Measles! Flu!" just ignore him.
He likes calling the shots up there.

(Harrison Cockerill)



I thought my still life painting of Uncle Joe
might win the art contest. But all it did
was get him arrested for bootlegging.

(Tooter Day)



If you're going to play a trick on your
best friend at his wedding reception,
you'll have to pee quickly or somebody's
going to beat you to the punch.

(Chester Ingraham)



So it was only day one of the camping trip,
and there went my toothpaste, slipping
out of my pocket and tumbling over the
edge of a cliff. I was crestfallen.

(Larry Hollister)



I think the reason the Easter Bunny never
retired is because he took some bad investment
advice and put all his eggs in one basket.

(Bill Fluharty)



I think I may have damaged
my car. The "Blown to Shit"
light came on this morning.

(Bill Fluharty)



What do you call a tall guy who can
masturbate 10 times in a single day?
No, it's not a joke -- I need to
know what to put on my resume.

(Damon R. Milhem)



My wife said she didn't want me to give
her flowers or jewelry for our anniversary,
so I didn't. Now she's all ticked off
about what I *did* giver her. Hey, I'm
not a mind reader -- next year, specify
no flowers, jewelry *or* chlamydia.

(Brad Wilkerson)



If I plagiarize, it's only because I
like someone else's idea better than
mine and I want credit for it.

(Anna Chin-Williams)



If I were mayor, I would do a much better job
with outreach to the black community. Imagine
the goodwill I'd get with a simple renaming:
the Earth, Wind and Fire Department.

(Sib Mandrake)



Let's see... a carton of Dunhill menthols,
10 fifths of Bacardi, 100 hits of blotter
acid, assorted pills, a garbage bag full of
weed, a half-dozen salt shakers filled with
cocaine, my .45 and a thousand rounds of ammo.
Who knew throwing a "Goodbye, Hunter S.
Thompson" party would be so difficult?

(Newunit)



I bet people would like me more
if my sense of self-deprecating
humor didn't suck so much.

(Jenna Morris)



The recipe is a work in progress, but a toilet
bowl-size cocktail umbrella would surely help.
A shot of 2000 Flushes and squeeze of lime simply
isn't recreating the tropical toilet experience
my dog came to love while vacationing in Hawaii.

(Dallas Davidson)



I just invented a cool new sport that combines
soccer with bumper pool. I just hope some TV
network won't screw me out of the credit when
Cemetery-Soccer mania sweeps the country.

(Bob Van Voris)



Just when I think my artificial stupidity software
is ready for market, some human being demonstrates
how poorly my program emulates genuine stupidity.
I can only shake my head in awe and amazement.

(Chuck Bonner)



My new book admittedly copies a formula,
but it's undeniably good clean fun for
the kiddies: "A Series of Unfortunate
Coffee Table Scratches," by Lemony Pledge.

(Randy Lee)



I got some bad news today.
You know the money you get
from those ATM machines?
It comes from your account!

(Jim Rosenberg)



The reason I enjoy The Home Shopping
Network so much is that they never
interupt their shows with commercials.

(Fanny Bright)



Last night I bolted out of a sound
sleep, screaming at the top of my lungs.
Oh, man, I'll never get tired of that.

(Mark Dockham)



If you're ever in a classroom setting
with a woman who pulls out her breast
and starts to feed her baby, don't say,
"Did you bring enough to share with
the whole class?" Sure, it's a funny
line, but if she answers, "Yes," you're
pretty much going to *have* to drink it.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Say what you want about that first beer,
but nothing really brings a father and son
together like dumping a dead whore down a well.

(Wes Nessmann)



Answer me this:
If I'm so "crazy," then why
did they choose me to be their
spokesperson to the people of Earth?

(Jim Rosenberg)



Whenever I hear somebody say, "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it," I always
tell them what they should have said is,
"If it isn't ruptured, don't repair it."

(Larry Hollister)



I wonder if those "Live Free or Die"
license plates are made by prisoners.

(Bob Van Voris)



If I had a job at Random House, every morning I'd
sit at a different desk, selected by chance, and
just move papers back and forth with no purpose
in mind. Eventually they'd want to fire me, but
I'd say, "Hey, I thought this was *Random* House."
And when they got the joke they'd probably
laugh and laugh and give me a big raise.

(Bob Van Voris)



The Bible says God created man in His own
image. Looking at myself in the mirror
every morning, I get the feeling He used
a circus mirror when it was my turn.

(Kevin Freels)



I think a really funny joke would be for
NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch
of planets out of alignment. Then they could
sit back and laugh when everyone realizes
that their horoscopes aren't coming true.

(Davejames)



It's a good thing Jim Nabors never
became a Sith, because no one would
ever be intimidated by Darth Gomer.

(James Knowles)



I'm glad they settled on "honesty" as the
best policy, but I would have loved to have
been there when they were testing "flatulent
evasiveness" or "spontaneous pants-wetting."

(Mark D. Sabien)






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Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.