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Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010


I'll bet the world of confectionery science grew
by leaps and bounds after they got prototypes
like Zignut and Almond Malaise out of the way.

(Travis Ruetenik)



If I *don't* love something,
is it still OK to set it free?

(The Covert Comic)



If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you before you
let it go, it probably found a time
machine and has returned from the
future to wreak horrible vengeance.

(Paul B.)



I hate winter. By the time spring
arrives, my nipples have worn holes
through all my favorite shirts.

(Brad Osberg)



When you're shoplifting at the $1 store,
it's easy to tell when they're onto you:
If a guy calls out "Price check!" run for it!

(Travis Ruetenik)



It's always sad when you have to
disillusion a child by telling him
there is no Santa Claus. I prefer to
maintain his innocence by just telling
him Santa can't come anymore because he
contracted severe gonorrhea and died.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I've decided to be like Scrooge and renounce my
miserly ways. Not because I love and care for
humanity, but because it would be a bitch making
it through security carrying all those chains.

(Sebastian P.)



If I were a best-selling children's author,
I'd write a book about how these cool little
kids and their cute woodland friends made
Santa very happy by taking all the money out
of Mommy's wallet and mailing it to my PO box.

(Dave Brennan)



A man doesn't realize what evil he's
capable of rendering with his bare hands
until he reaches day six of "The Twelve
Days of Christmas" as sung by Muppets.

(Mark D. Sabien)



During the holiday season, if someone cuts me off,
or takes my parking spot, I just give them a
friendly wave and wait for them to go into the mall.
Then I glue shelf-lining paper on their windshield.
I know that sounds mean, but get this:
It's snowman-patterned shelf-lining paper!

(James Key)



I'm filing a copyright infringement suit against
the people who produced "The Little Drummer Boy."
It's a total rip-off of my script for
"National Lampoon's Cheap-Ass Baby Present."

(Bob Van Voris)



Word to the wise: Be sure to leave the store
*before* following the generic brand personal
lubricant's suggestion to "Compare to Astroglide."

(Mark Spence)



If I make a fool of myself in public, cry, admit
I'm a troubled alcoholic, go into rehab and kiss
Donald Trump's ass, can I be Miss USA, too?
I have it all down but the ass-kissing part.

(Jenn McNanna)



When I play with kids, instead of saying,
"Got your nose!" I say, "Got your appendix!"
That way, they can't prove you wrong with
a mirror -- and if you accidentally really
took it, they'd probably be okay.

(Scott Charles, Sr.)



Just my luck -- judging by the itching and
the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes.

(Wiley)



I have an imaginary girlfriend with whom I
have screaming arguments in crowded shopping
malls -- probably because she hates it
when I call her my "imaginary girlfriend."

(Scott Griffin)



My love for my woman is a lot like
chewing my own toenails: delightful
up to the point where I get too close.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I'm glad life isn't like a Christmas song,
because if my friends and I were building
a snowman and it suddenly came alive when
we put a hat on it, I'd probably freak
and stab it to death with an icicle.

(Matt Perry)



I'm not afraid to open up a can of
Whoopass when the need arises, but
I find the new, single-serving,
bite-size Whoopass Snackers (TM) to
be just right for those times when
you don't need to use a whole can.

(Wiley)



You know unification of two families of women
in one kitchen for holiday meal preparation
is off to a rocky start when you overhear:
"You put raisins in that? How... unusual."

(Teresa Vaughan)



When I'm in doubt, I always ask myself,
"What would Jesus do?" I should have also
reminded myself that this isn't Galilee
and handing out free fish to everyone
would cost me my job at Long John Silver's.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I was just a little kid, while all the
other little kids were bitchin' and moanin'
about how they'd better be good for Santa Claus,
I was busy planning my future as a coal tycoon.

(Blake Sumner)



The guys and I were absolutely certain
Space Kitties on Acid was a great name
for our band. Apparently, however, the
rest of the polka community doesn't agree.

(James Knowles)



If you love something, let it go. If
it comes back, it was probably a yo-yo.

(Ben Snitkoff)



Just my luck: At my company's
office holiday party, of all
places, *I* get haunted by the
Ghost of Flatulence Passed.

(Jerry L. Embry)



If the IRS wanted to put something
really useful on their website, how
about a list of countries that *don't*
have an extradition treaty with the U.S.?

(Brad Osberg)



That's the last time I wash the
cloth cover for my ouija board!
All the houses on my block
disappeared when I ironed it.

(Paul Totman)



After the failure of our birth control method
and my girlfriend's subsequent pregnancy,
the absurdity of it all hit me: Why do white
people even *try* to use the rhythm method?

(Paul Hughes)



As I laid in the hospital bed, clinging
to the threads of life I had left, I looked
over the faces of the many friends and
well-wishers who came by, and in that brief
moment I realized something very important: There
actually is a point at which sour cream goes bad.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Unfortunately, there are no statues of
Saddam Hussein to pull down in America.
However, right now I am treating my
Saddam sex doll with great disrespect.

(Bob Van Voris)



I built a prototype for a great Stealth Battle Kite:
One of those acrobatic kites, outfitted with circular
saw blades at key angles. Then I realized if you're
geeky enough to design and build a Battle Kite, downwind
enemies are going to be able to sniff you out anyway.

(Travis Ruetenik)



There are so many things we can learn from
animals. But there are many more things
animals can learn from us, like how to smoke
a cigar and how to recognize when an enemy is
really dead and not just pretending to be dead.

(Bob Van Voris)



When my cat died, my vet gave me a poem about
the "Rainbow Bridge," the place in heaven where
pets and their owners are reunited after death.
I sure hope that place isn't real, because if
it is, there will be a lot of really pissed-off
hamsters waiting for me there when I die.

(Madeline Sato)



Ever notice that "Martial Arts" and "Marital Aids"
are right next to each other in the phone book?
Boy, next time I'll have to dial more carefully.

(Kevin Freels)



When I heard there was a 20-foot
nutcracker at the mall, for minute
I wondered if my ex-wife had been
involved in some bizarre nuclear accident.

(Richard Skora)



Anybody could have come up with
the idea for Slim Jims. The genius
part was in making them boneless.

(Bob Van Voris)



I believe making other people *think*
you're a famous superstar is half the battle.

(THE FABULOUS GARY J. HICKS!!)



When she asked, "Is that a roll of quarters in
your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" we
both just had to laugh, because, being a peep-show
girl, it really didn't matter to her either way.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Always keep drugs out of the reach
of children. And for maximum entertainment,
keep them *just* out of reach.

(The Covert Comic)



I'll bet you five dollars a demon has never
used the phrase, "Hey, nice job, buddy."
Unless he was just being sarcastic or something.

(Mark Niebuhr)



I deserve more than this from life.
I'm not sure how *much* more, but I'm
thinking Jessica Biel's life with my
brain would be a good starting point.

(Jenn McNanna)



If I ever got in an argument with a little
baby, I'd tell her to "shut her cry-hole,"
because I know little babies cry a lot and
are probably pretty self-conscious about it.

(Travis Ruetenik)



We wish you a merry Christmas!
We wish you a merry Christmas!
We wish you a merry Christmas and--
Oh, for crying out loud, Grandma, turn
up your freaking hearing aid already!
We're trying to wish you a merry Christmas!

(Brad Wilkerson)



Since I can't afford to drive a bright
yellow Hummer, I'm going to get a big
flashing sign for my car that says,
"I'm in serious need of your attention!"

(Bernie Spencer)



The toughest thing about earning my online
diploma is deciding whether I want it to read
"Spanky McWhack" or "Stubby Pudpounder."

(Mark D. Sabien)



College is like dinner with my family. My mom
asks if I want the rest of my college, and I'm
like, "No, I've had enough college -- I don't want
any more." And my dad's like, "You betta finish yer
college." And I'm like, "Papi, I don't wanna finish
my college." And my dad's all like, "You're gonna EAT
this college!" And then my brother turns on the TV.

(Matt the Builder)



I think the reason I was so unpopular
at school is I'd not only occasionally
crap in my pants, but I'd occasionally
crap in other kids' pants, too.

(Jerry L. Embry)



If you ever have a question, remember it
never hurts to ask. Unless the question is,
"Which aisle are the throat lozenges in?"
That question hurts almost every time.

(Frank Weisbly)



What if there were *real*
slugfests, with real slugs?
How cool would that be?!?

(The Covert Comic)



If there's one thing that shouldn't be
sold in family-size packs, it's condoms.

(Kim Moser)



I traded in my WWJD bracelet for one
with "WWSDD" on it. Not only is the
"What Would Snoop Dogg Do?" bracelet a
lot flashier, but the answer is always
"Light up a spliff and hit the strip club."

(Brad Wilkerson)



When I was a teen working in a funeral home, I
apologized to the boss for the stain I made from
my sandwich and told him I would clean it right up.
Looking back, it was probably a good thing I
couldn't pronounce "necrophilia" in those days.

(Davejames)



Thinking about all the various forms of
transportation, I'd have to say the least
luxurious of the bunch is wheelbarrow.

(Mike Ranston)



If I had a girlfriend, I'd ham her in the
morning, I'd ham her in the evening... oh, wait,
the word I'm thinking of is "pork," isn't it?

(Ethan)



People compliment me on my tan,
but what they don't realize is it's
actually a tattoo! An expensive, painful,
wish-I-had-stopped-at-the-boxers-line tattoo.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I wouldn't mind going to get some of
that "instant gratification" -- but
there better not be a long line.

(Walter Means)



I was worried when LOL led to ROFL, and I
was alarmed when that escalated to ROFLMAO.
I propose the limit should be ROFLMAOATU,
because with any activity, one should go no
further after adding "... And Throwing Up."

(Paul Totman)



If you turn the phone volume to max
and put the receiver down your pants,
telemarketers are more fun than you'd think.

(Davejames)



I'm trying to figure out what color
to make my "Enough with the ribbon
magnets already!" ribbon magnets.

(Richard Skora)



I believe when one door closes, another opens.
On the one hand, my dad's memory is completely shot.
On the other hand, I get to collect the $50
he owes me every day for the rest of his life.

(Michael Cunningham)



Boy, am I smart. I saved close to
$50,000 on my cryonics bill by having
Crazy Bill the Discount Refrigerator
King store me in one of his outlets.

(Jerry L. Embry)



The best part of watching a knife fight
is sticking around until the end, because
someone inevitably ends up leaving a
knife on the ground. Hey, free knife!

(John Gephart)



I'll bet the Frisbee was invented when
a caveman picked up his buddy who'd
been squashed flat by a mastadon and
casually tossed him to another friend.

(Ron Arol)



If you really love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, chain it to a
pipe in the basement, because you don't
want to take a chance like that twice.

(Scott Charles, Sr.)



Ever since I cast my ballot Tuesday morning,
my friends have been asking me who I voted for.
You mean we were supposed to do something
with our ballots besides cast them?!?

(The Covert Comic)



Being unemployed and looking through the want ads
today, I found it very disconcerting that commas are
frequently misused. How, is one, supposed to get,
enthusiastic about, applying for, a job, in which the,
employer, doesn't even, understand, how to use, commas?

(Janis Williams)



I'm so glad the elections are finally
over. Now when the phone rings,
I know it's only bill collectors.

(Jenn McNanna)



If I were a superhero, maybe I'd be Cuticle Man,
and my side-kick might be Rubber Finger Sleeves.
We'd do battle against Hangnail and Paper Cut
and their Citrus Juice Blaster, because only
a real he-man could face that level of pain.

(Joseph Moore)



Neanderthal citizens probably cast their
votes by grabbing the tails of woolly
mammoths and turning them to the left
or to the right. And I'll bet they
hated it when they got hanging turds.

(Ron Arol)



It's been said that "living well is the best
revenge," but my guess is that "sleeping with
your enemy's mom" had to be a close second.

(Andy Krakowski)



I decided not to take my company
up on that life insurance offer.
My wife has incentive enough as it is.

(Tidewater Joe)



It would be great if my new-found sense
of humility was a result of my relentless
pursuit of spiritual enlightenment.
However, this same humility forces me to admit
it's actually a result of my noticing that I
put my underwear on backwards this morning.

(Chris Urich)



Beauty is in the eye of the
beholder of the power of cheese.

(Jeffrey Anbinder)



You know, I never realized until now
just how hard it is to draw vomit.

(Tony Chen)



My friends say it's stupid of me to take
two slices from the middle of the loaf
of bread. After all, I live alone, so I'm
just screwing myself since I'll have to eat
the ends eventually. *But*, if I die at home
and at just the right time, and the coroner
goes to make himself a sandwich, I just *might*
stick him with nothing but the ends. And then
I can yell, "Ha! Suck on it, Mr. CSI Wannabee!"
Well, hopefully I can yell it from the hereafter.

(Chuck Sawyer)



I think Gandhi and I probably
have a lot in common. After all,
we both spent time in prison.

(Tom Sims)



My very first day on the job, the boss
asked me to make a fresh pot of coffee.
Of course, I walked right out the door.
He and those other sexist pigs
at Starbucks can kiss my ass!

(Phyllis Hilliard)



This guy I don't like was doing origami
the other day, so I sent out my squadron
of paper airplanes to do their thing.
Those swans didn't stand a chance!

(Andrew Panos)



What is it about a man's cell phone
going off in a theater that makes him
look more and more like Abe Lincoln?

(Jerry L. Embry)



When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few
days gave me a cool Don Johnson/"Miami Vice" look.
Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends
to make me look more like Otis from Mayberry.

(Tom Gray)



Our teenaged son gets more phone calls than
my wife and I put together. Then again,
my wife and I put together are a 300-pound
85-year-old Midwestern hermaphrodite, so our
peer group is quite a bit smaller than his.

(Carl Knorr)



There's no sense beating a dead horse --
but if you've reached the point where
you even seriously consider that abusing
a dead animal might improve your lot in
life, I say go ahead and give it a shot.

(Anthony Myers)



Working at the CIA has taught me that any
American boy or girl really can grow up to
be president. You just might not have
control over which Middle Eastern country
you wind up being president of.

(The Covert Comic)



They told us all to bring gag gifts
to the company Christmas party.
Suffice to say, I'm the only one who
did his shopping at Bondage Boutique.

(Dan Thompson)



As I get older, I've found that I don't
scream for ice cream like when I was a kid.
I think I'm becoming lactose-ambivalent.

(Wiley)



Relationships should come with those little black
boxes that airplanes have. That way, when they
crash and burn, we'd actually get some answers.

(Corrina Bunch)



I really don't see what's so great about cooking
with gas. The onions caramelized evenly and
the souffle seems to be turning out well,
but oh, man, are my intestines killing me.

(Brad Hamer)



The best part of throwing up
is Folgers in your lap.

(Mike Grace)



The reason I like Diet Pepsi better than Diet Coke is
that you can't win a billion dollars with Diet Coke.
Unless you're in California. And there's a baby goat
head in the bottle. And the jury is generous. Come to
think of it, I like my chances with Diet Coke better.

(Michael Sheinbaum)



When shopping for an eyeball-scanning security
system, I accidentally ordered a "rectal scanner."
Luckily, it keeps out the strangers just as well.

(John Gephart IV)



Some people think triskaidekaphobia (a fear
of the number 13) is irrational. Well that's
just silly! Now, fear of the square root
of negative seven -- THAT'S irrational!

(Douglas Frank)



If there's one thing I've learned, it's
never to ask a woman if she's pregnant.
But if you do, by all means, never
follow it up with, "Are you sure?"

(Greg Peacock)



I tried to convey to the aliens who abducted
me that I needed a warm, affectionate, young
female earthling for companionship. Something
must have been lost in the translation, though,
because they went back to earth and got my cat.

(Gary Hardester)



I thought that if I only eat half a box of cookies,
it would be the equivalent of eating a whole box
and then throwing up about half of those cookies.
But throwing up doesn't seem very healthy, so
it's probably better to eat cheesecake or
something else that's difficult to count.

(Steven Daubendiek)



I didn't actually want coffee, but
I poured myself a cup, just because
the pot was there. I guess I'm a lot
like George Mallory, who had similar
motivation for climbing Mount Everest.

(Chuck Bonner)



Word to the wise: Even the must understanding
wife won't forgive a spur-of-the-moment fling
if you have it professionally videotaped.

(Joseph Moore)



I did everything I learned in my training to
try to save that choking victim. Unfortunately
for her, that consisted of juggling some
balls and pulling a coin out of her ear.

(Joyce Wiggnes)



I bet a big perk of owning the Heinz
company is being able to use the phrase
"my massive pickle fortune" at parties.

(John Gephart IV)



I have always dreamed of
being in bed with a hot woman.
Little did I know I would have to
wait until she reached menopause.

(Lee Entrekin)



"You can take the boy out of the country, but
you can't take the country out of the boy."
The irony of this old saying was lost on
those customs agents as they pulled a small
piece of Colombia out of my ass at the airport.

(Brad Osberg)



Drat! I'd almost beaten Whiskers in our
game of "Cat Clue" -- while we both had
"candlestick" and "study," I had penciled
in "Mr. Plum" when I should have known the
murderer, as always, was Ms. Curiosity.

(Mark D. Sabien)



While more strippers and more beer are
undoubtedly a good thing, I've found it's
much easier to convince your boss that you
deserve a raise if you just leave that part out.

(Davejames)



I wanted to click the link for that website
that helps you overcome Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder, but I couldn't because I kept
losing count during my standard 1000-tiny-
circles-with-the-mouse pre-click ritual.

(Mystic 7)



You know, this gutter my mind's in isn't
such a bad place to live. You should
see the arty chandelier I just made from
spent shell casings and used condoms.

(Duxall Inarow)



I was excited to overhear my wife telling
the yard man she wanted him to groom her
landing strip the Brazilian way, because
I didn't even know she owned an airport!
But what the hell does he need my razor for?

(D Callahan)



What's the male equivalent of women's intuition?
Most likely, it's hitting something really hard
and seeing if it still causes a problem.

(The Covert Comic)



In hindsight, I suppose I could have
thanked the officer for pointing
out my broken taillight without
offering him a hit off my bong.

(Mark D. Sabien)



While more strippers and more beer are
undoubtedly a good thing, I've found it's
much easier to convince your boss that you
deserve a raise if you just leave that part out.

(Davejames)



I think one day most doctors will agree
with me that the breakfast burrito is
your most important burrito of the day.

(Jerry L. Embry)



There's this girl where I live -- every day I
tell her how I'd love to brush her long, beautiful
hair, or go skipping through a field of lilies
hand in hand with her, or share a bottle of wine
on a hilltop overlooking a valley in Tuscany.
And every day her answer is the same:
"I'm not allowed to fraternize with the prisoners."

(Mystic Seven)



I don't mind my wife butting in and
finishing my sentences, but I wish
she'd lose that "Jeopardy!" buzzer.

(Jerry L. Embry)



My wife only likes to have sex
in places where there is a risk
of getting caught. Well, I *have*
caught her -- numerous times, in fact.

(Brad Osberg)



A student from Illinois won the U.S.
Geography Bee. Not to be a bad sport about
it, but should foreigners be allowed to
participate in an American competition?

(The Covert Comic)



The other day, while I was standing in
line at the bank waiting to declare
bankruptcy, I got to thinking, "Man, I
sure hope I get that hot blonde teller."

(Mike MacDonald)



I think my wife just loves me
for my body. She keeps grabbing
my gut and saying, "Waddle those
stubby little legs of yours outside
and take out the garbage, Buddha!"

(Travis Ruetenik)



I just read about Utilitarianism. I'd never
heard of it before, but it must be the richest
religion around, because they collect "donations"
monthly from everyone I know or threaten to cut
off their water, phone, gas or electricity.

(Larry Baum)



I think I know how to get
my dog to stop eating poop.
All I need to do is somehow
find a way to make it taste bad.

(Sebastian Pivnicka)



Today I realized the hour I extend my
life by working out an hour every day
has already been spent working out.

(Daniel Bokor)



Woohoo! Today's my lucky day!
According to the naked genie
I found in my girlfriend's
closet, I get three wishes!

(Billy "Croc" Coats)



It's so easy to blame others -- which
is one of the reasons I enjoy doing it.

(Bill Muse)



I don't understand why my wife got angry
when I scribbled all over the walls and
threw my food on the floor. She's the one
who said women are attracted to bad boys.

(Kim Moser)



If I were a recovering sex addict,
I think I would opt for group therapy.

(Pam Pickard)



As the customer stormed off, I yelled
after her, "Look, Ma'am, my hands are
tied!" Well, it looks like I'll probably
lose *another* job for doing my rope
tricks during store hours again.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Just because I wear a sandwich board
doesn't make me some kind of hero.

(Jerry L. Embry)



My dad told me I have the ability to turn
into a bird and fly out over the ocean,
but I can’t figure out how to make the
transformation. When I ask my mom about
it, she just keeps repeating what my
dad said: that I was born gullible.

(Phil Garding)



So there I was, walking down the street,
minding my own business, when suddenly,
from completely out of nowhere... WHAM!
George Michael and Andrew Ridgely show up.

(David)



Well, according to those killjoys
over at PETA, there's apparently
no right way to eat a Rhesus.

(Sebastian P.)



My wife told me to flash the oncoming car
because its headlights were off, but I
don't see how he'll be inclined to drive
more safely after seeing my man-titties.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Stranded in the swamp for days with no food,
I had no choice but to hunt down large
white birds and eat them. Through the whole
ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.

(Amber Sims)



I thought it was really sick that the grocery
store had jars of dehydrated body parts
with the person's name on the label, but it
Turns out "Leaf Oregano" is not how the
Incredible Hulk actor spells his name.

(Tom Wideman)



The puppies I brought home for my kids were
cute at first, but now that they keep loosing
their teeth and spending all their time trying
to fight or hump each other, they're just plain
annoying. I guess it's my fault for adopting
Jerry Springer Spaniels in the first place.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Shivering in the chilly morning air,
Mr. Vigoda stubbornly refused to embark on
his venture over Niagara Falls until I first
snapped a photograph for posterity. No problem
-- it was like shooting Fish in a barrel.

(Larry Hollister)



The puppies I brought home for my kids were
cute at first, but now that they keep loosing
their teeth and spending all their time trying
to fight or hump each other, they're just plain
annoying. I guess it's my fault for adopting
Jerry Springer Spaniels in the first place.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Shivering in the chilly morning air,
Mr. Vigoda stubbornly refused to embark on
his venture over Niagara Falls until I first
snapped a photograph for posterity. No problem
-- it was like shooting Fish in a barrel.

(Larry Hollister)



Now that the pope has pissed off
all the Muslims, I assume he'll
be going after us Catholics next.

(Tidewater Joe)



I have this great trick where I can take
a glass of ice water and, through sheer
concentration, bring it to a boil.
Well, actually, I've never gotten it to boil,
but I did get it up to room temperature once.

(Pat Sajak)



There's an association called
Attorneys for Asbestos Injury.
Hey, at least they're honest about it.

(The Covert Comic)



If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and the
road to hell is paved with good intentions, then
wouldn't it make sense that the path to a woman's
scorn is paved with the best of intentions?

(Jim Kurtz)



Studies have shown a relation between memory
and cognitive problems and the estrogen loss
associated with menopause. Great: I'm turning
into an idiot simply because I'm losing the
hormone that makes me a woman. Then again,
this does explain quite a bit about men.

(Michelle)



For me, failure is not an option.
It comes standard with everything I do.

(Wiley)



My dad was a ventriloquist. To keep my
younger brother and me in line, he told
us he kept our older brother in a locked
box -- even making him "speak" from the
box in a high, pitiful, tortured voice.
At least, we think he was a ventriloquist.

(Billy "Croc" Coats)



My ex got the judge to reduce my alimony to
$300 a month by claiming I was a "stupid bitch."
Well the joke's on him -- he doesn't realize
that's over $2000 a month in dog dollars.

(Kim Walker-Daniels)



I'll bet the caveman who invented
the fire extinguisher was an
outcast. But for that very reason,
the cave chicks probably dug him.

(BigDogDano)



There's no shame in a man's weeping the bitter yet
life-embracing tears of universal sorrow -- especially
when he's just walked gonads-first into a doorknob.

(Lev L. Spiro)



Word to the wise: Never have them drop off
the ransom at your house because you're
too wasted to go pick it up yourself.

(Michael Cunningham)



While redecorating, I realized my wife and I
have drastically different tastes in furniture.
She wanted to keep only the pieces that reflected
the French provincial theme she was creating;
I wanted to keep all the stuff we'd had sex on.

(Brad Osberg)



Word to the wise: Never have them drop off
the ransom at your house because you're
too wasted to go pick it up yourself.

(Michael Cunningham)



While redecorating, I realized my wife and I
have drastically different tastes in furniture.
She wanted to keep only the pieces that reflected
the French provincial theme she was creating;
I wanted to keep all the stuff we'd had sex on.

(Brad Osberg)



I was telling my girlfriend about my dilemma:
How close can you pitch to the disabled kid
to keep him afraid of swinging, yet not cause
his impaired reflexes to prevent him from
diving out of the way of the ball and getting
a free pass to first base as a hit batsman?
As I finished, she abruptly walked out on me.
I guess girls really do hate baseball.

(Michael Cunningham)



I'm surprised no one has come up with a
blow-up sex doll that doubles as a wading
pool for the kids. That would be perfect
for those of us who can't afford both.

(Brad Osberg)



Technology today is amazing.
My car can pass an emissions test
that my colon would fail miserably.

(Michael Cunningham)



The other day I walked into a pawn shop, and
I found that I couldn't turn around until
I had advanced all the way to the other end
of the store and promoted myself to queen.

(Chris Lipe)



If I'm really supposed to have learned
everything I needed to know in kindergarten,
I'm guessing I must've been out sick on
"How to stiff a hooker and not get the
crap kicked out of you by her pimp" day.

(Tim Grebos)



When my sister takes her kid to the mall,
she puts him on one of those kiddie leashes
so he doesn't get lost. How creepy is that?
Personally, I think he'd be much safer and
happier if she left him at home in his crate.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



I still can't believe my friends decided
to let me sleep it off when I got high
and passed out at the original Woodstock
festival back in 1969. At least that's what
those old guys who *look* like my friends
told me when I awoke from the coma last week.

(Mike Ranston)



Word to the wise: When a girl asks you if
you like cats, just answer "Yes" or "No."
Never respond, "Only for certain things."

(Brad Osberg)



I think I sent in the wrong coupon.
Instead of adding inches to my penis,
I grew a sea monkey on it.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Instead of the Happy Meal, McDonald's
ought to make a Sleepy Meal. Then I might
finally get these brats down for a nap.

(Scott Charles)



I realize my addiction to new
technology is out of control:
I just bought a wireless bra.

(Lili VonSchtupp)



In my continuing mission to make
contributions to the English language,
I'd like to present my latest invention:
wurstiality (n): doing it sausage-style.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



I realize my addiction to new
technology is out of control:
I just bought a wireless bra.

(Lili VonSchtupp)



In my continuing mission to make
contributions to the English language,
I'd like to present my latest invention:
wurstiality (n): doing it sausage-style.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



The difference between mowing my
yard and mowing my neighbor's yard:
The neighbor is a hot single lady
who presses her big boobs against
the window every time I go by,
whereas the woman at my house is
married and couldn't care less.

(Mixmaven)



One technical term that needs clarification:
Is it *up* the wazoo or *out* the wazoo?

(The Covert Comic)



Perhaps when toasting my bride
at our wedding reception, I
shouldn't have mentioned how
glad I was to have "weathered
my Internet-dating skank-a-thon"
long enough to meet her.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Women are hard to figure out.
They love lingerie and they
love garage sales, but they
don't seem to like getting
garage-sale lingerie as a gift.

(Brad Osberg)



The only thing my new cat does all
day is lick a plastic Wal-Mart bag,
then lick her butt, then lick the
Wal-Mart bag, then lick her butt....
What I can't figure out which taste
she's trying to get out of her mouth.

(Michelle Argabrite)



They don't really want us to know it, but
I'm sure companies that design bathroom
fixtures all have at least one guy whose job
is to design fake poo for testing purposes.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I think my wife is contemplating having an
affair. We were listening to "Lyin' Eyes"
by the Eagles and she asked me if I knew
where OUR "cheatin' side of town" was.

(Mr. Bill)



I heard that women are attracted to
bad boys, so every once in a while, I throw
a recyclable into the regular garbage.

(Tom Sims)



I detest those pretentious idiots in line in
front of me at Starbucks who order something
like an "iced half-caf soy vanilla macchiato
with skim whipped cream and sugar-free caramel
syrup." Don't they realize I'll end up having
to wait 10 minutes just to get my simple pumpkin
spice frozen nonfat chai frappuccino with an
extra shot of espresso and hazelnut syrup?

(Ron Arol)



If I could go back in time, I would clone an army
of Drs. Martin Luther King, Jr. I'm not sure the
clones could achieve any more than the original,
but the 50 extra days off from work would be nice.

(Davejames)



I just read the Chinese hire strippers
to come to their funerals to ensure good
turnouts. When I die, I want strippers
to be the reason there IS a funeral.

(Tidewater Joe)



If I ever won the lottery, I would
give it all to charity: The Tom Sims
Foundation for the betterment of Tom Sims.

(Tom Sims)



What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas --
unless it leaves you disease-ridden,
pock-marked and with your left leg in a cast,
courtesy of a guy named Vinny. At that point,
it's pretty much following you home.

(Phil Garding)



I want my husband to videotape us while we're
having sex. Not because I'm kinky or anything,
but usually I'm asleep at the time and I'd
sure like to enjoy our lovemaking, too.

(Stephanie Shiner-Thompson)



They say a dog is man's best friend
and diamonds are a girl's best friend.
I guess that would explain the
matching diamond-studded dog
collars we got as a wedding gift.

(Kim Moser)



Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...
but hell hath comparatively even less
fury if you then start dating her sister.

(Lev L. Spiro)



Just when I think the secret crush I have
on my long-time lady friend might finally
be requited, she introduces me to acquaintances
as "this weaselly little gasbag to my right."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I found out recently that few words are more powerful
than "cleavage." You can place it with 10,000
others in an employee review, and it's still
the only one your lawyers want to talk about.

(Davejames)



We had another round of layoffs at work
today, but I wasn't among them. I don't
understand why not, as I've been wearing
a "Pick me! Pick me!" T-shirt for months.

(Jenn McNanna)



I don't know why some people don't believe in
sex before marriage. If you ask me, it's a hell
of a lot more believable than sex AFTER marriage!

(Scott E. Frank)



Shouldn't Maurice Gibb's voice be mixed
out of the song "Stayin' Alive?" If not
as a sign of respect, then at least
for the sake of historical accuracy?

(The Covert Comic)



Remember: No matter how dark things
seem to be or actually are, you can always
cheer yourself up by scaring the daylights
out of the cat with the vacuum cleaner.

(Tom Sims)



What others might see as "buying my
girlfriend a lap dance at the male
strip club," I prefer to think of
as simply "out-sourcing my foreplay."

(Richard Skora)



They say that unless you're the lead dog,
the view never changes. Then again, if
you're a dog you probably *like* that view.

(The Covert Comic)



Looking back, I think my parents might
have tricked me by suggesting I hold
on to my investment until there was
improvement the tooth futures markets.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Why is it that every guy they cast in a Sears
commercial as the guy wanting a power tool
looks like he's never actually touched one?

(Derek Winsworth)



Sometimes it helps to remember there's
always someone worse off than you are.
For example, when I'm at the dentist having
a root canal, I pretend the guy in the next
room is being castrated with a Skilsaw.

(Billy "Croc" Coats )



At a job interview, if your potential future
boss asks what special skills you have,
don't merely *tell* him you can squirt
milk from your left nipple -- show him.

(Stephanie Shiner-Thompson)



I opened a can of cat food tonight
and the spray from the pull-tab
can hit me in the mouth. I thought,
"Ah, the taste of retirement."

(Jenn McNanna)



My dumb brother says life is all about compassion,
wisdom and love for our fellow man. What an idiot!
Life is about peace and understanding and building
a world full of friendship for all mankind. Dumbass.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I can't wait to see what new prefixes are
waiting to greet us non-technical types
as our computers get more advanced.
Me, I won't be satisfied until I have
at least three shmoogabytes of data
available in less than an oinkasecond.

(Travis Ruetenik)



You know that unwritten rule that you avoid
the urinal right next to someone who's peeing?
Just to clarify: It means you go to one farther
away, not try to share the one the guy's using.

(Randy Lee)



I don't understand people
who dislike the outdoors.
That's where the shopping malls are!

(The Covert Comic)



To my reckoning, the only thing worse than
being sold into slavery is being sold into
slavery at a deep discount, priced to move.
Man, that's *gotta* suck.

(Bob Roth)



My agent said I had a shot at steady
income if I just flew out to Hollywood and
did this pilot. Man, was she ever right:
He recommended me to all his flyboy buddies!

(Mark D. Sabien)



For some reason my sister and new brother-in-law
didn't appreciate the warm sentiment of my
best man toast, but hey, I really *do* hope
Valtrex keeps the outbreaks to a minimum.

(Derek Winsworth)



My wife and I were discussing whether cats or
dogs have better lives and she decided cats
do, because they can do whatever they want
and still get lots of attention and affection.
I, on the other hand, decided dogs have better
lives, because they get to shit in the yard.

(Tidewater Joe)



Let's see, which would be easier:
Losing 40 pounds by strict dieting
and exercise or gaining 60 pounds
to qualify for a gastric bypass?

(Nancy Casurella)



I've decided to create a new bracelet
that people can wear to raise awareness
on the overuse of awareness bracelets.

(Sebastian P.)



If lawyers were required to present each
case as an opera, I bet people would
think twice before going to divorce court.

(Pam Pickard)



For me, the hardest part of breaking up
with a girl is convincing her we were
actually dating in the first place.

(Nick Smith)



If you ever have a contest with your
friends to see who can come up with
the weirdest thought, you should probably
just go ahead and disqualify anything that
*doesn't* make reference to Michael Jackson.

(Mike Lopez)



If I ever release an album, I'm going to
title it "10 Million German Hasselhoff Fans
Can't Be Wrong." You know those crazy Germans
will buy anything with that guy's name on it,
and then I'll have an even bigger laugh with
the leadoff single, "Oh Yes, They Freakin' *Can*!"

(Mark D. Sabien)



I reckon if wild animals drove just a bit
more slowly and wore their seat belts, there'd
be fewer of them dead on the side of the road.

(Nerissa Rowan)



Following surgery I had a near-death
experience, but ultimately convinced my
raging wife the nurse was merely checking
my blood pressure "the old fashioned way."

(Tidewater Joe)



I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn't work.
Not only isn't the rat gone, it hasn't
even moved for the last two days.

(Joseph Moore)



You had me at "filthy rich nymphomaniac
former Playmate daughter of a brewery owner."

(Lee Entrekin)



Nature sure knew what it was doing by making it
impossible for elderly people to conceive children.
Can you imagine how pissed off senior citizens
would be when they had to miss the ending of
Murder, She Wrote to go change a diaper?

(Miles Walker)



You have to start stories off the right way.
Like, can you imagine how much
funnier the bible would have been if
Eve had been made from Adam's butt?

(Big Dog Dano)



There's no "I" in "team" -- at least not
since I got kicked off the team for drinking.

(The Covert Comic)



Although I've never eaten flamingo, I'm
willing to bet the sweetest, most tender
meat is on that leg they always hold up.

(Jerry L. Embry)



My sister dreamed she turned into a giant
beetle and it totally freaked her out.
It wasn't the six legs or antennae that bothered
her, it the fact that beetles have really big butts.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



I'll bet the first firemen used to get their
butts kicked all the time. After hours of
rubbing sticks together to get a bit of a
flame going, along comes Ugg with a full
bladder, doing his "FIRE BAD!!!" bit again.

(Donald Junter)



Being able to fly sure would be
cool, but only if I could fly fast.
Flying slow is just floating
around, and that's creepy.

(Ben Gillihan)



You really can learn things in Lamaze
classes. I learned that just because a
video has a naked lady in it doesn't mean
that my "bawm-chick-a-bamp bamp" song is going
to automatically get a laugh out of the room.

(Travis Ruetenik)



It's been my observation that
90% of statisticians pretty
much ruin it for the other 30%.

(Keith Sullivan)



I feel a deep affinity with Vincent
Van Gogh. I once cut off my fingernails
and gave them to an ex-girlfriend.

(Tom Sims)



I'd like to send a picture of myself
to some distant star, thousands of
light-years away, because by the time
the aliens realize I'm mooning them,
I'll have been dead for centuries.

(Jeffrey Lampert)



Always be wary of someone who brings a spoon
to a knife fight. That means they're either
crazy or really good at killing people with
spoons, both of which you usually want to avoid.

(John Gephart)



Why is it that every four weeks or so, some
Chinese guy calls my pager? Who is this
Lo Cell, and what does he want with me?

(Dave Henry)



I've tried a dozen of those "Honk if you
[whatever]" bumper stickers, and nobody ever
honked. To fix that, now I slam on my brakes
so the car behind me can better read my sticker.
And it works -- they almost always honk now.

(Bob the Hammer)



I swear, if my wife brings *one* more
Beanie Baby into this house, I'm gonna
hug it and squeeze it and love it.

(Andy Pierson)



The cool thing about coffee is that it's legal, as
opposed to most other ways you can catch a buzz.
At least that's what the DEA said when they shut
down my "Timbucks Cocaine and Heroin" stores.

(Tim H. Richweis)



As a registered nurse, I've given
coffee enemas and cornstarch enemas.
But never in the same coffee shop.

(Marsha Clodfelter)



My mom used to tell me that if I were going to
make something of myself, I would first need to
learn to handle money. Now that I'm older,
I see what she meant -- I'm juggling credit
cards and bouncing checks right and left.

(Tim H. Richweis)



While I'm fully aware money can't buy happiness,
I wouldn't mind being known as "the melancholy
guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo."

(George Olson)



When I was going through puberty, I learned the
meaning of the word "nymphomaniac." I remember
thinking to myself, "Well, they have a name for
it -- I guess that means I'm not the first."

(Belinda M. Van Sickle)



Trying to figure out the difference between the
Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC? Well, it's easy.
The Backstreet Boys appeal to girls who are just
about to hit puberty. *NSYNC appeals to girls
who are *almost* just about to hit puberty.

(Bill Ervin)



If Pfizer made a canine version of
Viagra for breeders, a good name for
it would be Knick-Knack-Paddy-Wack,
because then they'd have a ready-made
jingle for the commercials.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I ever need a heart transplant,
I'm definitely going to get it done in
San Francisco, because... well, you know.

(Lee Entrekin)



It's probably a good thing Jesus wasn't
an American, because I think people
would have a hard time being inspired
in holy faith by the Shroud of Akron.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I used to be in league with Lucifer, but he
never showed up for the games and we had
to forfeit our lane. Bowling sucks anyway.

(Ben Holland)



The good news: My new manager has
humongous tits. The bad news: He
yells at me for staring at them.

(Nick Smith)



If I were the grasshopper in that story, "The
Ant and the Grasshopper," when winter came
and I was hungry because I had been lazy, I
would have just eaten that ball-busting ant.

(Miles Walker)



I tend to give credence to that Bible story
in which God put man to sleep and made
woman from his rib, because if man had been
awake and able to make suggestions, women
would surely have *many* more breasts.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I think there'd be a lot more Christians if Jesus
had spoken more plainly. For instance, when he said,
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,"
it would have been a lot easier to understand if he
had just said, "It's okay to have sex with hookers."

(Scott E. Frank)



As a new mother, my biggest fear is that
one day the FBI will suddenly break down
that door and take my precious baby
from me and give her to her real mom.

(Connie Liberty)



Here's a tip on auto safety I learned recently:
If you're driving through one of those traffic
checkpoints and a police officer yells at you
to slow down, don't slow down *too* quickly
or he'll go flying right off the hood.

(The Covert Comic)



As the judge said, "Let this be a warning:
Three strikes and you're out," I was sure
glad he didn't know I had an 0-2 count when
I pummelled that stupid umpire with my bat.

(Donald Johnson)



For years, all the other alternative-fuel
scientists have ridiculed my ideas.
Now that Republicans are in power,
we'll see who's laughing when we're all
driving cars that run on bald-eagle heads
and baby seals dipped in crude oil!

(Nick Ehart)



In retrospect, I probably flunked
that college religion course due to
hearing "compare and contrast the
sacred and profane" as "street cred
and propane" during my oral final exam.

(Donald Johnson)



Note to self: When someone says,
"Make yourself at home," it doesn't
necessarily have to involve K-Y Jelly.

(Mike Lopez)



My new diet plan is very simple and works
surprisingly well. To curb my typical
midnight cravings for Doritos, Cocoa Puffs
and half a loaf of Wonder Bread, I just
smoke my dope a little earlier in the morning.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



My wife was a little angry with me, so
I bought an amulet and gave it to her.
Ha! It worked like a charm!

(Walter Means)



I'd be much more comfortable just
fostering a highway until it can be
adopted by a more stable permanent family.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I went to the doctor for a blood test and
I saw this Asian kid in the waiting room.
He was there for a blood test, too. I thought,
"Crap, I hope they're grading me on a curve."

(Brad Osberg)



The difference between soccer and hockey
is that soccer is a game in which you
lose the ability to use your hands,
whereas hockey is a game in which you
lose the ability to keep your teeth.

(Mike Ranston)



Why is it that a boy who can kill 300
alien mutants in five minutes on an Xbox
can't hit the toilet bowl when he pees?

(Phil Garding)



Never mind the Da Vinci code --
what about the Picasso code?
Does ANYBODY know what those things are?

(Billy "Croc" Coats)



I'm told fatherhood is the ultimate test of a man.
Of course, none of this would be necessary if
that condom manufacturer had just come up
with a slightly tougher test of its own.

(Brad Osberg)



According to this guy I met last night
who works in a laboratory, germs don't
actually have those ugly little faces
like they do on TV. Who says you can't
learn something interesting in a bar?
(Connie Liberty)




Celebrity boxing is an affront to every principle
of human dignity -- but on the bright side, at least
the celebrities get punched for participating.

(The Covert Comic)



Sure, the wine buyer's guide suggests
"oak" and "citrus," but when "jockstrap"
is the first word that pops into your
head, you just have to work with it.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Living on the moon would be fun,
but it would sure suck having to walk
a mile every time you missed a Frisbee.

(John Gephart IV)



Okay, so it's not often a guy with a war helmet,
a braided, ratty beard, a battle axe and a toothy
snarl approaches you on the street. Still, I'm
betting the naysayers will stop laughing when they
realize I'm the only one who had the foresight
to keep a cauldron of bubbling oil by my side.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I've noticed that a lot of these terrorist types
have several wives. And here we thought that
our foreign policies were responsible for
driving them into a homicidal rage.

(Brad Osberg)



People generally don't agree with me, so
I should have known my acid reflux couldn't
handle that Soylent Green souffle.

(Mark D. Sabien)



As a surprise, I bought some of those fancy
new glow-in-the-dark condoms for me and my
girlfriend. Boy, you should have seen her
face light up when I showed them to her.

(Mick)



When I said I'd eat my hat if my team
lost, I'd totally forgotten I was
wearing my lucky fetid-rotting-meat hat!

(Paul Totman)



I once tried to thwart an obscene phone
caller by saying, "You've reached the FBI!"
Turns out the joke was on me, because
in addition to being a pervert, the guy
had a law-enforcement-agency fetish.

(Kim Moser)



It would be pretty weird if we each had an
evil twin. And while I would be disappointed
if it turned out *I* was the evil one,
it certainly would explain a lot.

(The Covert Comic)



Sure, telemarketing firms are annoying, but imagine
how much worse it would be if instead of people,
they hired yippy little dogs to make the calls.

(James Knowles)



I always put my daughter's welfare
above my own. She's 18, so I started
dating an 18-year-old so she'd have
somebody her own age to play with.
I hope she appreciates it.

(Steve Mueller)



Never in my wildest dreams did I think my life would
turn out the way it has -- mainly because in my wildest
dreams, that guard at the bank never had the cojones
to go for his gun when I started taking hostages.

(Mike Lopez)



Whenever my kids get me one of those
"World's #1 Best Dad" coffee mugs for
Father's Day, I know it's just because
the store has sold out of their bargain
bin "World's #29,438,635,741th Best Dad"
mugs that were made especially for me.

(Kim Moser)



My mother used to tell me you can't put
a price on love. Then again, she really
had a lousy business sense for a hooker.

(Chris MacEachen)



Here's a tip: When dining at a Chinese
restaurant, never order anything with
"ding" in the name. Those are microwaved.

(Connie Liberty)



There are two sure-fire ways to
get a woman into bed. The problem
is I don't know either of them.

(Tom Sims)



I sure wish some young singer named
Britney Houston would emerge on
the pop scene so we could have
bizarre coked-up sassiness in
a chubbilicious Cajun package.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I think hangovers are the body's way of
telling us we didn't drink enough to still
be drunk when we woke up the next day.

(Tidewater Joe)



You're almost always better sucking it up and
just paying the speeding fine, because even if
you have a male judge, he's likely not going to
be sympathetic to your "masturbation defense."

(Sib Mandrake)



I've found that the trick to making your kid's
dreams come true is to spend an inordinate amount
of time diminishing their expectations.

(Michael Cunningham)



Somehow "our song" just isn't as
romantic now that they're using it
in an erectile dysfunction ad.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Here I am deciding between one more beer and
going to work tomorrow. Sure, work has that
*monetary* lure, but it doesn't taste nearly as good.

(Jenn McNanna)



Some environmentalists think dolphins are
smarter than people. Most dolphins, though,
think dolphins are smarter than environ-
mentalists but not as smart as people.

(The Covert Comic)



Playing tricks on little children who don't
know any better is one of the lowest
forms of humor, so it's a good place to
start if you're rusty and need practice.

(Mike Cunningham)



I'm glad I wasn't raised by a lesbian couple.
No matter what you do to convince your class-
mates otherwise, you're a mama's boy by default.

(Sebastian P.)



Whenever my teenage daughter comes down
the stairs dressed like a tramp for her
date, I think to myself, "Damn, why won't
her mother wear something like that?"

(Dave Henry)



The French are so resistant to learning
English that they constantly rub it in
our faces by purposely mispronouncing
"Paris" as "Pah-ree." Arrogant bastards.

(Kim Moser)



We should elect presidents solely on the basis of
when their birthday is and the likelihood of them
getting a federal holiday declared for them.
It would probably help to be born on a Monday.

(James Floyd)



Want proof that men are more creative than women?
Women will gladly pay someone else to build them a
pair of big boobs, while men spend years crafting
their own, using nothing but beer and pizza.

(Scott E. Frank)



I tried one of those fancy-schmancy "microbrews"
at a bar last night and if you ask me, it tasted
like piss-water. Then again, I was passed out
on the floor of the men's room at the time.

(Miles Walker)



With identity theft such a big problem
nowadays, I sure wish someone would
steal mine so I could call those friggin'
collection agencies and demand an apology.

(Jenn McNanna)



When my girlfriend is mad at me, she
refers to me as her "half-ass boyfriend."
I get my revenge by referring to her
as my "ass-and-a-half girlfriend."

(Hugh Ringling)



I've decided to become a blonde. Not because they
supposedly have more fun, but because when I
take off my pants in front of someone, I want
to be able to say, "Contrast and compare." Maybe
it's just the frustrated English teacher in me.

(Jenn McNanna)



"What Would Jesus Do?" may be a good philosophy
of life for some, but I find that it rarely
helps me decide how much to tip a hooker.

(Charles Gulledge)



If you can't say something nice about someone,
try saying something bad, or maybe neutral.
If you can't do either of those, you may
want to consider visiting a speech therapist.

(The Covert Comic)



Just because I mail pipe bombs to people,
my friends are calling me a "terrorist."
Yeah, right, I suppose having sex with
other men makes me "gay" as well.

(Miles Walker)



Well I guess I'll have to admit
it now: Wearing a suit and tie
CAN kill you. But at least he's
already dressed for the funeral.

(Connie Liberty)



Autumn reminds me of high school football games --
drinking beer in the parking lot, sitting with
my girlfriend during the games, smoking a joint
or two with my buddies under the bleachers...
I wonder why that bastard coach never let me play?

(Donald Junter)



On the bright side, it appears the Guinness
Book doesn't already have an entry for
someone *twice* surviving electrocution
via hair dryer use while on a toilet.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Fall is a great time for my children, who
love to make piles of leaves to jump in.
I think they'll enjoy it even more this year,
now that they know what scorpions look like.

(Jonathan Ivey)



As I stood thousands of miles from home, staring into
the stranger's face that looked back at me from the
mirror -- the handiwork of the unlicensed plastic
surgeon who stood behind me, caressing the stack of
unmarked bills I had paid him -- it began to dawn on me
that I might have taken the "hide" portion of playing
Hide and Seek with my 6-year-old nephew a little too far.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Many hands make light work.
Why light no work, me don't know.

(David Scott)



The thing I remember most about Grandma's
old Bible, with its leathery cover,
tattered spine and frayed edges, was
that it looked a lot like Grandma.

(The Covert Comic)



Just when I think I've finally met the
perfect woman, I discover she's too tall
to fit into any of my mom's old clothes.

(Andy Ihnatko)



If I had lived during the era of the Old West,
I would have opened the Y'all Come Back Salon,
because a hard day on the trail deserves one
of those outposts where you could sit down,
kick off your boots and get a pedicure and
refreshing cucumber and avocado-butter facial.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Instead of worrying about disease-resistant crops
or curing cancer in mice, I think those genetic
scientists should find a way to engineer a cow
with a spigot, to make it easier to milk.

(Chris Lipe)



I used to keep my opinions about the president
to myself, but now why bother? He already
knows what I think, thanks to Verizon.

(Ron R. Clark)



You know how in "As Good As It Gets," Jack Nicholson
starts off as a complete jerk, but you gradually
start to love him? I'm trying something like that.
I already have the first part down cold.

("Mad" Jaqk Brounstein)



I don t know how many types of beans
he had to go through before the guy who
invented coffee came up with the right one,
but I'll bet his pinto latte and caramel
mochagarbanziatto tasted pretty nasty.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Ever notice how the word skiing has the letter "i"
twice in a row, just like two little skis with pole
marks? That's so cute, and appropriate too! When
they come up with a word for photocopying your butt
cheeks, I think it should be something like "p00king."

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



If Dr. Frankenstein could put together
an entire monster, you'd think maybe he
could've done something about Igor's hump.
Then again, maybe the little guy *liked* it
because of all the double-entendre pickup
lines it afforded him in singles bars.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him
his birth video in reverse and telling him that's
what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

(J. Murphy)



I don't think it's an insult to call somebody
a one-trick pony, because maybe they have a
really good trick, like juggling chainsaws
with their hooves or crapping gold bars.

(Bob Van Voris)



If loving you is wrong, then baby, it
goes a long way towards explaining the
concussion and crushed left testicle.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



If I ever get anal-probed by a space alien,
I'm going to ask him to check my prostate
while he's at it. No sense in having to go
through that again later with my doctor.

(Miles Walker)



Back in high school, I used to love to sneak
my girlfriend into the old bomb shelter
behind my parents' house and pretend it was
the end of the world and we were the only
two people left. She loved it too -- until
I had to eat her to save my food rations.

(Kevin Freels)



I always wondered how I would spend all
my free time once I was old and retired.
Now I know: trying to take a leak.

(Chris MacEachen)



As I strained to clean the blood and watermelon
seeds from the ceiling, it occurred to me
that foreplay and prop comedy do not mix.

(Bob Van Voris)



There's something disquieting about checking in
to my room at the Radisson to find the previous
guests had the Sleep Number bed set at 69.

(Mark D. Sabien)



People think I'm crazy to have cages and cages full
of the little bastards, but if we ever switch over to
a squirrel-based economy, I'm going to be one rich man.

(John Reiland)



There's always a moment when an addict
finally realizes he has real problem.
For me, it was when I found myself
at Krispy Kreme with a shopping cart.

(Connie Liberty)



It would be cool to have a gun that fired one of
those "Bang!" signs, but instead of it coming out of
the barrel, the sign would be attached to the bullets.

(Michael Nassberg)



I ran out of soap in the shower this
morning, so I washed myself with shampoo.
It works well enough, but I have to say
I find the whole pubic-hair-alive-with-
bounce-and-body thing a little unsettling.

(Carl Knorr)



Now that I'm approaching middle age, it's
nice to reflect back upon my college days
and to reminisce about all the sex that
I like to believe that I had back then.

(Miles Walker)



I had a really hot English teacher in the
eighth grade and fantasized about being
married to her -- until I realized I'd
probably never get laid on a school night.

(Donald Johnson)



I learned a lot in college, and the most important
thing was this: After I partied for four years
at my parents' expense, *my* brats will have
to either pay their own way or do without.

(Anna L. Juarez)



Any one of my ex-girlfriends could do a better
job running this country. Exit strategy? Oh,
yeah, they *all* had that covered coming in.

(Brad Osberg)



Word to the wise: Majoring in psychology does
not mean you will eventually be employed
as a psycho, so don't get your hopes up.

(James Knowles)



If I ran a pizza delivery service, my big promo
would be "30 *items* or it's free." That way,
if the cook only put 27 or 28 items on a pizza,
the driver could always scrounge up a few more
under the car seat before he makes the delivery.

(Mike Ranston)



My wife and I just got into marital counseling
again. Even though this is the sixth counselor
we've seen over the years, I feel really good
about this one because she's way hot!

(Gerald Kimber White)



I wrote a short story for my church
publication. It's about a 17-year-old
girl's journey from doubt to faith.
But what readers don't realize is that the
girl in the story is naked the whole time.

(The Covert Comic)



I'm thinking of starting a bubble gum company and
naming my flavors after distant places. I mean,
it's not like too many Americans can really challenge
me on what "Cambodian Splash" should taste like.

(John Gephart IV)



If I were a carpenter and you were my
lady, I'd... um... look, Honey, I got
nothing here. Can we play that naughty
schoolgirl and stern teacher game instead?

(Brad Wilkerson)



A policeman pulled me over and asked
why I was driving so fast. I told him,
"See that accelerator down there?
I had it mashed to the floor." Duh!

(Fanny Bright)



It only took me a couple of pay periods
before I realized I needed to head to the
bank *immediately* after getting my check
here at the disappearing ink factory.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I get to the bottom I go back to the top
of the slide, then I stop and I turn and I
go for a ride until I get to the bottom
and I see you again. So much for my Inverse
Vertical Parallel Playground Universe Theory.

(Carl Knorr)



With my new fish bait, I'm catching
a lot more fish than my wise-cracking
Uncle Ray.  I call it, "Uncle Ray."

(Bill Fluharty)



Dorothy Parker said, "Men don't make
passes at girls who wear glasses."
Luckily for me, 18-year-old boys do.

(Jenn McNanna)



According to my boss, there's no
"My car hit a semi and I'm in the
hospital fighting for my life" in "team."

(Fanny Bright)



I'm trying to cheer up a good friend who's
going through a hard time. Does anyone know
any good kidney dialysis machine pranks?

(Jerry L. Embry)



If I could do it all over again, knowing
what I know now, I would still marry
my wife. I would just be sure to buy a
membership in the "Bouquet of the Week" club,
because man, I'm gonna screw up a *lot*!

(Brad Osberg)



A coworker spit on me today. Not the talking-
too-close accidental little spittle, but
a mouthful of water straight on my breasts.
Since there is nothing in the employee handbook
explicitly banning wet T-shirt contests and I'm
a good sport, I let it slide. I would have won too,
if it weren't for Fat Bobby and his double D's.

(Jenn McNanna)



If I'm reincarnated as a male ladybug,
I think I'll just go ahead and fly straight
into a spider's web the very first day.

(The Covert Comic)



The future is going to suck when everybody gets a lawyer
robot. Unless, of course, the court system is discarded
in favor of lawyer robot gladiator duels to the death.

(John Gephart IV)



Before she railed at me for the disgusting
sculpture, my sister ought to have realized
a confirmed bachelor with limited means would
have little reason to believe her toddler's
request for a "poo bear" meant anything else.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Whenever I see a foxy woman, I like to toss in the
phrase, "It's my duty to please that booty," because
that's what Shaft would do. I'm going to start limiting
myself to two or three repetitions per sermon, though
-- some of the older parishioners are getting annoyed.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



The other night I was depressed and tried
to call the suicide hotline, but accidentally
dialed the Butterball Turkey hotline instead.
Oddly enough, their advice worked anyway. Turns
out all your other problems fall into perspective
when you have an ass full of Stovetop Stuffing.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I've never even met Carly Simon, but I'm
so vain, I *do* think that song is about me.

(Bill Muse)



I always try to put the welfare of my
kids first -- and, hey, they already think
their new mom is a whole lot prettier.

(Alton Flener)



My psychiatrist prescribed an experimental drug
for me: He's got me on 500 mg. of Placebo, which
oddly enough tastes just like Lemonheads and
comes in a Lemonhead box -- which for some
reason my pharmacist thinks is mighty funny.

(Michael Cunningham)



My wife simply does not understand the
business world. She insists I'm cheating
on her, despite my clear explanation
that I'm simply outsourcing the sexual
component of her job description to
free her up for other projects.

(Brad Wilkerson)



My boss caught me watching TV at work again
and tossed my set into the dumpster. I don't
really mind, since the reception's even better
with these metal walls all around. I kind of
wish I didn't work for a diaper service, though.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



My husband and I are really into the
"Simple Living" concept. For instance,
we took two everyday things right
here in the house and made a baby!

(Connie Liberty)



For years I used to hit people in the hope that
it would result in one of those great "BAM!"
graphics like on the Batman TV show, but it never
happened. Then I realized it was probably something
on his utility belt that made it happen, so if you
know where I can get a belt like that, let me know,
because I really want to start hitting people again.

(Greg Preece)



I have CDO. It's like Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be.

(Spike Donner)



If someone ever invented a low-fat, vitamin-filled
vegetable that tasted like fudge-covered Rice Krispies
Treats, I'd probably start eating a lot healthier.

(Derek Winsworth)



Just as I suspected: After drinking
all that bottled water, my tests
came back positive for the Evian flu.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I could make a movie, it'd have Charlton Heston
piloting his rocket ship to a futuristic world run by
an advanced race of large Chicken McNuggets. Just as
he's about to eat the king McNugget and take over his
McNugget harem, he'd discover to his horror that all
the ketchup in the world is gone. That way, the movie
could end with a spooky, Bizarro-World kind of feel.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



Why is it that it's always the 91st
day at sea on the pirate ship when your
limited-warrantied peg leg gets dry rot?

(Alton Flener)



After the initial embarrassment, I tried to laugh it
off by comparing it to that scene from "American Pie."
But he pointed out that he was my boss, not my dad,
and that it was his wife, not an apple pie. I guess
he would have laughed if we'd told him what I was
doing when she stumbled in on me ten minutes earlier.

(Andy Ihnatko)



Yesterday, my wife and I enjoyed a
quiet morning while our kids slept in.
Thank you, Ether Bunny!

(John Gardner)



If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I
hope it's the yellow French's kind, and not that brown
Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.

(Miles Walker)



My upstairs neighbor called me at work today
to tell me she heard several men in my place
making a lot of noise and laughing loudly.
How come that never happens when I'm home?

(Jenn McNanna)



I keep seeing these commercials about "the power of
cheese." I wish they had some kind of disclaimer
that said you couldn't plug your TV into a block
of it, because I would've paid my power bill
this month if I had known that was the case.

(Steiner Sellers)



Say what you want, but depression does
have its benefits. For instance, I used
to have a fear of flying, but now when
I get on a plane, I really don't give
a crap if it reaches its destination.

(Ian Dauphinee)



If you fling Cheez Whiz in the face of your enemy,
it'll give you a pretty good running start. If you
see that your enemy is hungry enough to eat it, I
say go ahead and throw your box of Wheat Thins, too.

(Stephanie Thompson)



Children possess an innate wisdom beyond
their years. I mean, what adult would ever
come up with the idea of spontaneous trouser
combustion as a deterrent to dishonesty?

(Larry Hollister)



I just found out the French turn milk into cheese
by adding this stuff called rennet that comes from
-- get this -- the inside of a calf's stomach!
Man, those French people will eat ANYTHING.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



I've never told anyone, but I have
a used throat lozenge in my pocket.
It's my dirty little Sucret.

(Craig R. Cicero)



If the French ever decide to build another Eiffel
Tower, they should make the entire thing out of
nothing but cheese. They probably should get the raw
materials from someplace other than Switzerland, though.

(Donald Junter)



I realized I had a drinking problem the day
I found myself wishing there were colors of
wine for *every* food, not just meat and fish.

(Mystic 7)



I wrote this song for my wife:
"Hinky. Dinky. Jean's real stinky."
Every time I sing it to her, though, she hits me.
I guess that's what they mean
by "suffering for your art."

(Jeff Buckley)



There's just something about Noel Coward that
makes me think I could totally kick his ass.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Sometimes when I look out over the world from my
fifth-floor office window, I can't help but be
moved by the beauty and grandeur of life. Other
times, I wonder if I'll ever find a way to pee
out the window without getting any on my desk.

(Nick Ehart)



My father started to give me the "Why don't
you find a soulmate?" speech again the other
night. I told him he's been watching too many
eHarmony.com commercials. There's no such
thing as a soulmate, just an I-tolerate-your
crap-because-I-can't-do-any-better-mate.

(Jenn McNanna)



I sure don't want to be in the redwood
forest when one of those really big trees
catches that "Sudden Oak Death" disease.

(Nancy Casurella)



I think the show "Lost" would be a lot more
fun for viewers if ABC consistently changed
its air date and time slot, and also lied
to TV Guide about when it was scheduled.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The nerve of them throwing me out of the revival when I
suggested that the messiah returning on a winged white
horse could be a metaphor for the appearance of the ghost
of Jerry Garcia riding high on some grade-A heroin!
I mean, how about some respect for *my* religious beliefs?

(John Miranda)



None of the other kids at school
liked me very much. I think that
was the reason I was so unpopular.

(Billy "Croc" Coats)



They say if you have positive thoughts
about something, it will happen.
Well, I've been thinking positively about
my neighbor's 19-year-old daughter,
but so far, no luck. I think maybe my
wife's negative thoughts are interfering.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



The problem with finally grasping how large
the universe is and the earth's place in it
is that you then realize -- holy shit! --
the sun's right there on our ass!

(Mark D. Sabien)



The best thing about getting laid is you can
wake up in the morning and say to yourself,
"Great, I don't have to start working out yet!"

(Don Swain)



If you're walking down the street and
you see your evil twin, it goes without
saying you should probably try to battle
him to the death. If you can't find your
evil twin though, I guess some guy wearing
the same jacket as you would be just as good.

(Bob Evans)



After nine months of unemployment, I finally
figured out why I like it so much. It's not
the lack of money and prestige -- it's the
ability to eat cheesecake for breakfast without
anyone peering disapprovingly into my cubicle.

(Gianna)



If I had $200 for every woman I've ever
had sex with, I'd have been able to
pay them without using my own money!

(Nick Smith)



I'm not sure how much the party guests liked my
shadow figures. "Dog," "Rabbit," and "Dog and Rabbit"
seemed to go over pretty well, but the room got quiet
when I did "Dog and Rabbit Riding a Large Missile."

(Brad Hamer)



All the girls who were named Kyrie because of
that Mr. Mister song start turning 20 this month.
You know what that means, ladies -- only one more
year before you can legally drink to forget that
your parents named you after a Mr. Mister song!

(Carl Knorr)



There are no stupid questions, except maybe
"Why are you reading that stupid Web page again,
instead of working on the Branson account?"
Like, duh!

(Don Swain)



While my attorney's "far too stupid
to commit this crime" defense may have
gotten me off, it's done absolutely
nothing to help my self-esteem problem.

(Pearl Wilson)



All those women who say they scoff at
cheesy, sentimental pick-up lines are
obviously hanging around the wrong men.
For me, a simple "If you ever want to see
your Mommy alive again.." works every time.

(Don Swain)



"Puff the Magic Dragon" and "Toy Story" suggest
that our imaginary companions are heartbroken when
we leave them behind. Man, I really feel for those
poor Hustler girls my wife threw out last year.

(Larry Hollister)



I've been practicing moving and talking like a
robot, just in case they ever do become advanced
enough to take over the world. Not so much to
blend in and escape certain death, but more so I
can get a chance to hook up with a really hot fembot.

(Steiner Sellers)



Well, I got screwed again. Paid $100
on eBay for four front-row tickets
to the Placebo Domingo concert.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I went to see a psychiatrist because I
was feeling paranoid, abusive and filled
with rage. I figured the shrink would
tell me I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, but
as it turns out, I'm just a butthead.

(Miles Walker)



I think I would feel really
guilty making love to anyone
beside my wife. After all, she'd
be lying right there next to us.

(Jimbo)



Thirty-six years ago I wished upon a star.
Today, the Thumbelina doll I asked
for finally showed up. And you know
what that means? I'M GETTIN' A PONY!!!!

(Anne Sholl)



She says I'm hopelessly weird, but let's
see her find another guy to replace me.
Not just anyone can accurately judge
the temperature by the viscosity of
the goo in a can of Vienna sausages.

(Tom Wideman)



In the future, robot dealerships will probably
give their models friendly sounding names.
But I'm guessing they'll stay away from "Rusty."

(Larry Hollister)



If I ever open a playground equipment store,
I'm going to call it Violent Mood Swings
and Slides Into Deep Manic Depression.
Might as well prepare the little
monsters for the unavoidable future.

(Ward Cobleigh)



If I were a teenage robot out driving with
my robot girlfriend on some secluded road, I
think I'd give that old "Uh-oh, I'm out of oil!"
trick a try. Hey, even if she didn't believe me,
she'd have to check my dipstick to know for sure.

(Tim H. Richweis)



My high school guidance counselor told
me my aptitude tests revealed that I could
pretty much do anything I liked -- then
she turned around and slapped me. Women!

(Jerry L. Embry)



I just realized there's no truth whatsoever to
the saying, "You learn something new every day."
So far today, I haven't learned a... um... damn.

(Anthony Myers)



Sure, it may be hard out here for a pimp,
but try being an accountant during tax
season -- no one writes songs about that.

(Jenn McNanna)



First I thought the monkey I bought was cool, then
I thought all the springs I bought were even cooler,
then I thought the hundreds of mirrors I bought were
the coolest -- but all in all, I learned that a springing
monkey gets freaked out by all those friggin' mirrors.

(Mark Niebuhr)



Every time I get down about having
a job at McDonald's, I think about
the guy at the stockyard who spends
his entire day slitting hog throats.
I wish I had a cool job like that.

(Alton Flener)



I don't understand what the big deal was
with Little Miss Muffet. If she was brave
enough to eat curds and whey, you'd think
a talking spider wouldn't be a big deal.

(Rance Hilvern)



I was initially happy when Columbia House sent
me the last DVD I'd ordered, but then I still
had to pay for my groceries at the store!
What's with this "Nothing more to
buy, ever!" crap, you lying weasels?

(Brad Hamer)



My folks used to take in foreign exchange students.
We didn't call them that, though -- I guess
because the word "foreign" has bad connotations
or something. Instead we called them "hostages."

(Anthony Myers)



Life is like a box of chocolates.
You buy them for someone else, tell yourself
she won't miss one -- no, three -- little
pieces, then recall that time she slept with
your cousin just to piss you off, so you
gobble the whole lot of 'em, only to feel
icky and barf them all back into the box
and leave it on her doorstep with the
"Here's a little something to show how I
really feel about you" card still attached.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Okay, so blood is thicker than water,
but it isn't nearly as refreshing
after a tough basketball practice.

(John Gephart)



The next time you walk by a bar with a big
sign out front saying, "Cool Air/Naked Women
Inside," you might just want to give it a try.

(Note: This Rumination is not affiliated with any
"Cool Air/Naked Women Inside" establishments.)

(John Dockery)



Writing a really good Rumination at work is tough.
Especially when the boss insists I keep my eyes
glued to these stupid air-traffic radar screens.

(Brad Osberg)



I'm trying to write the first Rumination
trifecta: The same rumination published
as the Rumination of the day, the Filthy
Rumination and the Bad Rumination of the day.
Holy shit, I did it!

(Fazer)



My friend Barry is always jealous when one of
my Ruminations gets published, and of course I
always have to rub it in. One day, I hope to
have a Rumination published that says, "Barry Figgins
is a freaking loser who's awfully fond of goats," but I
haven't found a way to work that sentence in -- yet!

(Eric Spratling)



I just realized this is the third Rumination
I've sent in today, and I thought "Hey,
third time's a charm, right?" Unless, that
is, it's the third time you've been shot,
'cause the first two times didn't quite take.

(John Shearer)



I stared at the blank screen
for hours before I realized
that what we have here is
a failure to ruminate.

(Dennis Weiskircher, Jr.)



Technology is a great gift to mankind.
If it weren't for the wonders of computers
and e-mail, all I could do with my
Ruminations is annoy my own friends.

(Phil Garding)



My Theory of Coffee/Rumination Relativity:
The greater the number of cups consumed, the
greater the number of Ruminations that can
be written -- although the "Law of Diminishing
Laughs" kicks in after the fourth pot.

(Randy Lee)



Everyone says that the two middle guys in the
four-man bobsled don't do anything once they
get into the sled. Not true! They have the most
important job: They're in charge of snuggles!

(Jeffrey Ehrhart)



If I were a plant, I'd want to be a
big TV-watching, pizza-eating plant.
Hey, I believe in setting realistic goals.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Because I'll be 82 in 2046, I'm writing a letter
to myself to open then, reminding me of what the
name "XXX Olympic Winter Games" *really* means.
On second thought, why ruin an old man's good time?

(Ted Jasmin)



Getting arrested on purpose turned out to be a huge
mistake. Those conjugal visits I'd heard about are
real -- but you have to already know someone who'll
come visit you. The prison doesn't supply them.

(Anthony Myers)



I'd say two of the worst words you
can hear through the bathroom door
when you ask if your guest is all
right are "fallen" and "mudbutt."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I think the reason guys like women
in leather jackets so much is because
they have that "new car" smell.

(George Fara)



Everybody warned me that Charles was
as lazy as he was cute. Still, I never
imagined all the feeding and wiping.

(Connie Liberty)



Seldom is heard a discouraging word if you
live on the range, I'm told. But when that
rare event occurs, I'll bet it's a good one,
like "Hey, the barn-shoveling loser wants
to be a writer!" or "Die, bumpkin, die!"

(Doug Vargas)



I entered one of those "Last Comic Standing"
contests and won first place. It was easy, once
I decided my routine should include a 44 Magnum.

(Kim Moser)



I can't type to save my life. However,
I'm thinking the typing-to-save-my-life
thing will probably never come up.

(Jack Wingfield)



Put on a happy face. Just be sure to properly
align the features with the underlying muscle
structure and use small sutures aligned
with natural wrinkles in the skin.

(James Rice)



I was there when my grandfather died; it was very
peaceful, almost surreal. I decided then and there
that when they strap *me* into that chair and
throw the switch, I'm taking somebody with me.

(Ken Foster)



I tried to comfort my neighbors by saying,
"What if we lived in a parallel universe
and your little Fluffy were 10 feet tall and
ate humans?" but they were inconsolable.

(Bill Fluharty)



I'd like to work as an ice cream truck driver.
Not only would I get to eat a tasty treat
any time I wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'd
eventually build up an immunity to "Turkey
in the Straw" and "It's a Small World."

(Rance Hilvern)



We are having a hell of a cold snap
in Detroit and I am freezing cold all
the time. On the positive side, I've
become very popular with the guys at work.

(Jenn McNanna)



I'd like to be a dog on the show "Friends."
Not only would those three women be petting me
all the time, but I could also pee on Joey again
without the legal system getting involved this time.

(Donald Junter)



While I appreciate the words of support and
the suggestions of counseling, I was really
kind of hoping that divulging my exhibitionist
fetish to the family would prod Grandma
into knitting me a nice scrotum cozy.

(Mark D. Sabien)



On stormy days, I like to snuggle with my
girlfriend on the bearskin rug by the fireplace
with a bottle of really expensive sherry. But
only if my neighbor's out of town for the weekend,
'cause he's kind of touchy about his stuff.

(Tidewater Joe)



Thank God my life didn't go as planned, because
I would be a Harvard Law School graduate sitting
in a high-rise office building in Boston, still
at work at 8 p.m. There's a whole lot less
pressure just being drunk in Detroit at 8 a.m.

(Jenn McNanna)



How come whenever I dream that I gotta pee,
I wake up and I gotta pee, but when I dream
that I'm rich, I wake up and I'm still poor?

(Chris MacEachen)



You know it's going to be a bleak Valentine's
Day when you find yourself writing heartfelt
sonnets with the same hand you're writing them to.

(Mark D. Sabien)



So if getting there is half the fun, and a
picture is worth a thousand words, is a
picture of getting there worth 500 fun words?

(Matt Larson)



My anal-retentive boss scheduled a two-hour
meeting with me to talk about the meanings of
"meticulous," "conscientious" and "focused,"
but I pretty much tuned out after the first
five minutes. And because he wasted half my
afternoon, I now have to turn in this half-
finished report, but I think he'll understand.

(Dave Brennan)



Household tip: Don't have a cup? Just stick a
tea bag in your mouth, pour in some boiling water,
wait two minutes and swallow. The only hard part
is holding onto the water while you're screaming.

(James Knowles)



If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady,
would you marry me anyway? Even if,
for the sake of argument, I were Karen?

(Larry Hollister)



The other morning I woke up and found that I
had grown to gigantic proportions. I was the
same height as Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower.
It was then that I made a crucial decision:
No more drinking while playing miniature golf.

(James Floyd)



If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady,
would you marry me anyway? Even if,
for the sake of argument, I were Karen?

(Larry Hollister)



The other morning I woke up and found I
had grown to gigantic proportions. I was the
same height as Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower.
It was then that I made a crucial decision:
No more drinking while playing miniature golf.

(James Floyd)



Just as soon as I turned on the lights in
that old house and saw all the mummified
old ladies in wedding dresses, I realized
I had stumbled upon the house of Mormon Bates.

(Billy "Croc" Coats)



My friends keep warning me that I'm killing
my brain cells with drugs and alcohol. So what?
I'm only using 3 percent of them anyway.

(Tom Sims)



I always wanted to be a rock star.
Not because I've got mad guitar skills,
because I don't, but because I'd really
hate to see these mad hotel-room-trashing
skills of mine go utterly to waste.

(John Shearer)



I sure would have thought that by now there'd be
a whole lot more robots around. And flying cars.
And Burger Kings. I realize that Burger Kings do
exist now, but there should be a lot more of them.

(Anthony Myers)



I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze.
That way, not only do I not offend those around
me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Just my luck: Even with the office AC running
full blast, I could not get my cubicle wall
cold enough to make my tongue stick.

(James Knowles)



If the policy is we stop automatic feedings when
someone is in a persistent vegetative state,
I'm guessing a lot of couch-potato TV-watchers will
have to get up and get their own snacks from now on.

(Phil Garding)



After seeing the success of bands with long names
such as "And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead,"
I've got *almost* all of the band members convinced
that we should rename ourselves "We'd Probably
Be Famous by Now If Barry Didn't Suck on Bass."

(Brian Bell)



Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I learned how much alcohol I can take.

(John Shearer)



I got fired today. Although I'm sad, at least
I can take comfort in the fact that in this
great big soulless machine of corporate greed,
I was the guy who took a whiz on the moving parts.

(Mike D.)



I understand now why Habitat for Humanity won't
ever let me come back, but I swear to God I
thought the saying was "Measure twice, cut one."

(John Brassil)



I guess Granny needs a hearing aid after she thought
those Mardi Gras guys wanted to see our pits.
Better make that a hearing aid *and* a razor.

(Stephanie Thompson)



How do I love thee?
Hang on a second --
let me Google the ways.

(Christine Geary)



I think McDonald's should have a "McHooves"
meal. No sense letting that crap go to waste.

(Jim Rosenberg)



I've taken to drinking those energy drinks in
the morning. I tried them in the evenings, but
by then I'm usually too hopped up on crystal
meth to notice any additional energy boost.

(John Shearer)



I'm sick and tired of people with "normal"
jobs thinking I'm lazy because I'm self-employed.
Sure, watching cartoons all day is pretty easy,
but hitting your parents up for cash every couple
of weeks can be mentally and physically exhausting.

(Donald Junter)



Whenever my girlfriend asks me if her dress
makes her ass look fat, I reassure her,
"No, honey, just the opposite: It's your
*ass* that makes the *dress* look fat."

(Kim Moser)



If they ever hire me to write an ad campaign
for Nyquil, I think I'll leave out the part
about how bad it tastes on Cheerios.

(Derek Maness)



They say cats are smart, but I don't believe it.
Mine never even noticed I had removed all the
stuff he'd put in the shopping cart at pets.com.

(Jody LaFerriere)



A sure-fire way to win "best costume" at the
next Halloween party is to have somebody embed
a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.
Timing is crucial, though -- you don't want to
pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes,
long before the costume judging begins, like I did.

(Vince Grewe)



Never believe a fortune teller who
begins her predictions for your future,
"According to my crystal meth...."

(Fanny Bright)



I tried to get in touch with my "inner child"
once. Now I have to register with the
local police every time I change my mind.

(Kevin Browne)



If houseplants ever take over the world,
I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles
at their version of the Nuremberg trials.

(Tim H. Richweis)



If you ever find yourself being ripped apart
by a pack of wolves, try not to scream.
Everybody knows wolves can smell fear.

(Sean Alex)



The problem with society today is that we're too
dependent on machines to make our lives easier.
Take my wealthy wife: She always has to have
the latest, state-of-the-art respirator.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I sometimes wish I were a human-sized bird -- then I
could eat a big meal and fly over my enemies' cars.
It would be much safer than the way I'm doing it now.

(Tony Lynn)



The bad thing about living alone is
that you can't call anyone and say,
"Honey, where did I leave my car keys?"
But not having to listen to the 10-minute
lecture on the need to put your keys in
the same place every time makes up for it.

(Jenn McNanna)



I'll bet there would be a lot fewer warlords in
Afghanistan if we called them "wardorks" instead.

(John Russell)



The only way we can know for sure if the
terrorists have won is if we open their
Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes envelope.

(Kim Moser)



Sometimes when I go for job interviews, I
get the feeling that they don't give enough
weight to my Ph.D. in document forgery.

(Paul Hannah)



The manual for my new industrial-strength kitchen sink
says not to put anything I can't eat down the disposal,
like egg shells and rocks. I guess since I can't eat 'em,
I'll have to bury the bones of my victims in my back yard.
Wouldn't want to explain *that* one to the plumber!
Unless he was juicy and well-fed looking, of course.

(John Shearer)



It's true that all men are pigs.
The trick is to tame one who
knows how to find truffles.

(Lev L. Spiro)



I'm currently dating an Avon lady.
We fight a lot, but it's worth it
-– the makeup sex is incredible.

(Joseph Moore)



Sometimes I wish I were a dairy cow.
Not so much for the leisurely life of
nonstop grazing as much as for the daily
sessions with a machine massaging my nipples.

(Donald Junter)



The biggest problem of cryogenics isn't whether
future advances in technology will enable you to
be unfrozen and brought back to life 10,000 years
from now; it's whether 250 consecutive generations
of security guards earning $6.50 an hour will
remember to check the thermostat every night.
(The Covert Comic)



Having multiple personality disorder wasn't
so bad until one of my personalities filed
a restraining order against another.
Now I can't be within 100 yards of myself.

(Vicki Stanfield)



You'd be surprised at the amount of money
and well wishes I received from people
supporting my quest to set the world record
for the most consecutive days standing
outside in the cold while ringing a bell.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I bet the first hockey game was played with
an animal turd used as a primitive puck.
I also bet someone invented the goalie
mask by the end of the first period.

(Donald Junter)



Sure, the prison sentence will suck, but at
least I'll be in the Guinness Book of Records:
first person convicted of manslaughter by a belt
buckle at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

(Jimbo)



I worried about my weight until I became
a Buddhist-- that's when I learned I was
the latest incarnation of Dolly Madison.

(Connie Liberty)



Earthquake tremors are always pretty scary, but
especially here at the bobble-head doll factory.

(Wallace Johnson)



Every grown man, no matter how old he
is, still has a little bit of the boy
he once was inside his heart. For
instance, we will still gaze with wonder
and awe at anything that is on fire.

(Josh Noble)



I was riding Amtrak the other day, and the girl
sitting next to me asked if I'd like to join the
"Hundred and Thirty Mile-an-Hour Club." Ha!
The joke's on her -- those babies can do 125, tops.

(Bill Grieser)



If you're a police officer, the hardest call
you'll ever have to make is to tell your
partner's wife he isn't coming home that night.
All because you accidentally mislaid the
keys and now you both have to spend the
night searching for some drunk in handcuffs
driving a cop car around the city.

(Bob Van Voris)



One of the leading killers of
Americans these days is obesity.
Some researchers say it has now
reached pachydermic proportions.

(Christine Geary)



Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Not get into another fight
With that transvestite hooker, Mike.

(John Shearer)



I can appreciate my girlfriend naming her lapdog
after what it means to her, but I hate when she
asks me to take little Fartmuffler to the vet.

(Mark D. Sabien)



In this world of non-stop reality TV,
I often find myself yearning for some
good old-fashioned scripted larceny,
comedy and intrigue. Thank God for C-SPAN.

(Brad Osberg)



I imagine the folks at Fox are already gearing
up for that day 15 years from now when they'll
lure the once-sexy ingenue back into the
limelight with "My Big Fat Obnoxious Beyonce."

(Mark D. Sabien)



They say hindsight is 20/20.
Still, I'm not taking any chances.
I'm going to make an appointment
to get myself tested.

(Brad Osberg)



This year I decorated my tree in blue and white
lights with a Star of David on it, facing Mecca.
I wanted to have my bases covered, since
I'm almost always on the "naughty" list.

(Nathan Sherman)



Whoever said, "Grandmas are moms with
lots of frosting" obviously never licked one.

(The Covert Comic)



I'm not exactly sure what it means when
they call a college player a "red-shirt
freshman," but I suspect it has something
to do with them being the most likely
guy to be killed during an away game.

(Scott E. Frank)



The hardest part of having a supermodel
for a girlfriend is telling all the other
girls you've been dating that you can't
see them anymore. Luckily, I always
wake up before it gets to that point.

(Nick Smith)



Everyone always asks me who my favorite
Olsen twin is, Mary-Kate or Ashley?
Honestly, I can't even tell them apart.
At the moment, my favorite one is whichever
one is locked in the trunk in my basement.

(Chris Lipe)



My wife's obstetrician is a bit unorthodox.
Immediately after delivery, the mother
is taken into the next room for a strenuous
workout. It's the nation's first ObGym.

(Pat Sajak)






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Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.