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Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010


I guess what I like most about being
sarcastic is the knowledge that, even if
people don't understand my sarcasm, at least
I'm helping them feel better about their lives.

(The Covert Comic)



I took out a second mortgage last month
so I could go on a trip to Italy, buy a
new car and pay off my bills. I just can't
figure out why my landlord is so pissed off.

(Jenn McNanna)



At my new job, the employee manual I was
given included policies on insider trading.
Woo-hoo! Finally, my back door to success!
Or so I thought. But it turns out my new
employer is all goody two-shoes about it.

(Doug Vargas)



Good thing Pez dispensers have those hollow insides,
or we'd all be eating Pez right out of the paper
wrappers, and who can imagine a world like that?

(George MacMillan)



I wondered why there were so many postings
about solicitation-friendly bathroom stalls
-- until I realized I was on LarryCraigslist.

(Mark D. Sabien)



No matter how often I replace my vehicles,
I never tire of that "stolen car" smell.

(Ken Foster)



Apparently, China is planning an 85,000-mile,
130-day route to get the Olympic flame to the
opening ceremony to light the torch. Come on,
China, 1.3 billion people and no one has a match?!?

(Paul B.)



Sometimes late at night, I fantasize about what "Grease"
would have been like with *Carol* Channing as Rizzo and
Sandy played by Elton John wearing a suit made of Fig
Newtons. Then I realize that instead of wasting my time
on that nonsense, I should get back to work on my screenplay
about the wacky adventures of a casting director strung out
on opium and his flatulent zebra sidekick, Monsieur Tibbles.

(Mark D. Sabien)



You work 25 years at a job, every day putting
in your blood, sweat, and tears till eventually
you become a master of your trade. Then some
snot-nosed punk gets hired and within three
weeks he thinks *he's* the deep-fryer king!

(Jerry L. Embry)



My boss is like a fine wine: All I want to do is
drive a corkscrew into him, but my co-workers keep
saying, "Not yet, let's wait for a special occasion."

(Brad Osberg)



You know your grandchildren love you
when they not only bless you when you
sneeze, but also help find your teeth.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Like most Americans, my attitude towards life
is: whatever! So why can't I find a cell phone
company that offers unlimited whatever minutes?

(Doug Vargas)



There's nothing more precious in life than that
brief moment after someone falls down, where
outwardly you're all "Are you all right?"
but inwardly you're laughing your ass off.

(Paul B.)



I was on one of those reality shows where I
had to live in this big house with people I'd
never met, and we were on camera all the time...
Wait a minute -- that was prison. No wonder I
didn't get any good stuff when I got booted out.

(Anthony Myers)



Looking back, I guess we were poor growing up, but
we never knew it. We were also stupid and didn't
know it, which goes a long way towards explaining
the naivety regarding our financial situation.

(Anthony Myers)



I took up jogging to experience the "runner's high"
everyone talks about, but I found it somehow lacks the
intensity of sitting on my couch and smoking crack.

(Ken Peterson)



They say dogs can smell fear,
but I think they're just smelling
that you've crapped your pants.

(Kim Moser)



I told my wife we should name our kids Gandhi
Lincoln, Rosa Barton and Hitler bin Laden McVeigh.
That way there'd be no doubt as to
who the black sheep of the family is.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Remember, guys: If your prostitute
is over five feet tall, she's probably
a member of Munchkinland Vice.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I don't know how it would work exactly,
but to be on the safe side, if I ever get
sent to prison I would definitely select
the "Maximum Cavity Protection" toothpaste.

(Kevin Kee)



I know a great way we can all reduce our
carbon footprints: smaller carbon shoes.

(Wiley)



I bet one of the hardest parts of being a
superhero is remembering which phone booth
your left your clothes in. And by "superhero,"
what I mean is "demented-exhibitionist-guy."

(George MacMillan)



Well, now I've seen everything!
So, that's out of the way.

(Anthony Myers)



My friend on the Florida coast can't figure out
how anyone can live in the Midwest with its
heavy storms, huge tornadoes and amazing floods.
I guess he must prefer getting all three at once
and then being able to glorify it with a name.

(Blaine Hofmockel)



When I think about the good times from
my childhood, I get a warm fuzzy feeling.
Especially when I think about the times
I would put on a fleece sweater fresh
out of the dryer on a cold winter day.

(Sebastian Pivnicka)



Sometimes I wonder whether people prefer
Seems to me that the best way to make friends
and influence people is to have, like, a
gazillion dollars, just like Dale Carnegie.

(Lev L. Spiro)



I think mt pharmacist might have mixed up my
Flomax and Flonase prescriptions. I still have
to pee in the middle of the night, but now
I can write my name in the snow with my snot.

(Kevin Freels)



I love the traditions that go with
holidays: Thanksgiving means turkey,
Independence Day means fireworks,
Halloween means going to the office
as "Drunk Naked Guy" and All Saints
Day means looking for a new job.

(Brad Wilkerson)



If I were a superhero, I think they'd call
me Methane Man. I'd derive my super-strength
from pulled-pork sandwiches and beer.
My Kryptonite would be crowded elevators and
libraries. And attractive women -- I just
can't pull the trigger when I'm around them.

(Plaid Boy)



That time when I farted and the universe was
created? THAT'S when I knew I was all-powerful.

(Tidewater Joe)



It's been three days since I binged
at the Mexican restaurant, and I sense
I'm suffering from Post Fartum Depression.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I were a caveman, I'd find someone's drinking
coconut and poke a hole in the side of it -- instant
dribble glass! I could also use a saber-tooth tiger
bladder to make a whoopee cushion, but something
tells me that cave folks weren't very sheepish about
passing gas, so the joke might be lost on them.

(Donald Junter)



I always thought high blood pressure
was the silent killer -- until
I met a ninja with burrito farts.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I find it utterly amazing that a programming department
which is surrounded by tens of thousands of dollars worth
of state-of-the-art computer equipment can get hours
upon hours of amusement from a two-dollar Fart-in-a-Can.

(Eric Wilkicki)



Do people fart while they're mending socks?
You're darn tootin'!

(Larry Hollister)



Sometimes I think it would be cool if
farts were visible, because then when I'm
walking it would look like I'm jet-powered.
But given how little I move around, it's
more likely that I'd actually just look
like Pig Pen from "Peanuts" sitting on a sofa.

(Mike Totman)



Just as the book says, all I really needed to
know I learned in kindergarten, like sharing,
how to get along with others, the importance
of playing fairly, how to kill silently using
only a piano wire as a garrote... No, wait, that
last one I may have learned in Ms. Haggerty's
fifth grade music class, but you get the idea.

(Wiley)



If I ever decide to become Amish, you'll be
able to tell I was once a member of the outside
non-Amish world by my refusal to abandon the name
I was given by my fellow gang members, "Abraham."

(George MacMillan)



They say 2.3 percent of adults still have
problems wetting the bed. I can't imagine why,
because it's a *really* easy thing to do.

(Anthony Myers)



If you have an indoor pet, it's not a bad idea
to make sure he gets enough outdoor activity, too.
One such activity I would suggest is crapping.

(LeMel Hebert-Williams)



If I ever got a job making toothpicks, it
would be because that job just fell into my
lap, because I don't see myself ever applying
for a job that requires me to make toothpicks.

(Derek Winsworth)



The worst part about going to night school
to get my college education was ending
up with an 8:00 class and having to drag
my sleepy ass out of bed by 7:00 PM.

(Tristan Fabriani)



This is the time of year when the air is cool
and crisp and the colors seem to change overnight.
Like on November 1, when they rapidly change
from black and orange to red and green.

(Phil Garding)



With laser-like precision, ignoring all distractions,
I applied Occam's Razor to the question facing me,
only to realize sadly at the end that the Martians
had been feeding me inaccurate data all along.

(Wm. N. Fordes)



One hundred seventeen consecutive losing
games of computer solitaire is nature's
way of saying, "Get back to work!"

(Richard Skora)



In college, I took a class from a professor who
changed my whole life. I can't really remember
what his name was, or what the class was, or
even which college it was, but I found that if
you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of
slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch
right from the bottle and not get caught.

(Bill Ervin)



My friends call me a sci-fi geek, but I'm really just
an intelligent, inquisitive guy with a passion for
the field of quantum physics. And as such, I'll bet
that in an alternate universe, "Star Trek" isn't real.

(The Covert Comic)



Why do birds suddenly appear,
every time you are near?
I mean, seriously, can't you do
something about it? That bird
thing really creeps me out.

(Scott MacDonald)



If my erection lasts longer than four hours,
you BET I'm contacting a professional!

(Richard Skora)



If I were a ghost, I'd dress up as
a kid on Halloween so I could scare
everybody with my frighteningly
obsessive need for irony.

(Jeff Chastain)



They say possession is 9/10ths of the law,
but as it turns out, it's NOT perfectly
legal to walk into a bank with a gun and
demand 10 percent of the money in the vault.

(Anthony Myers)



I'm so stoked that my new Honda has these
two holders for my Pringles and my bong.
If only they had thought to make it
so I could bring along a beverage, too.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Today at work, I experienced the sensation of
insane goose-bump thrills one only gets from
perfectly printing a sheet of business cards on
the very first attempt. Yes, I had an Averygasm.

(Jan Lewis)



On a bad day, I have mood swings -- but on a
good day, I have the whole mood playground.

(Charles Rosenblum)



I'm not saying this is a legitimate reason
to major in astrophysics, but the fact is,
once you attain light speed it's basically
goodbye forever, college loan officers.

(The Covert Comic)



If I were an astronaut who landed on the moon,
the first thing I would say is, "Hey, you can
see my house from up here!" It would probably
make the other astronauts laugh, or at least
make them think I had a really big house.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I was in a foul mood the other day and told my mom
she was an ugly muggle, born under a confundus charm
and I wish she'd disapparate her ass out of my life.
Once again, my potter mouth has gotten me grounded.

(J. Murphy)



Women are like diamonds: The ones
you see on TV are always nicer than
the ones you can actually afford.

(Brad Osberg)



I was reading this guy's palm and
saw he was clearly going to die soon.
I was stuck with an ethical dilemma:
On one hand, I could kill him then and
save him the pain of a possible slow
death, but on the other hand, is there
enough money on him to justify the bother?

(Donovan Leigh)



As my date stormed off, I was rather relieved
I hadn't yet invested much in a relationship
with a woman who didn't even understand that
"voluptuously chunky" was a compliment.

(Mark D. Sabien)



This morning I saw a fish without
a bicycle, and you know, it *did* kind
of remind me of a woman without a man!

(The Covert Comic)



I bet my mom wouldn't have written me
out of her will for being an unemployed
loser if she had known how good I'd
eventually become at Minesweeper.

(Jimbo)



My wife warned me not to go too far while
shopping for Halloween supplies at Wal-Mart,
and boy, was she ever right. I went one aisle past
Halloween and ended up in Christmas. How am I
supposed to choose my demonic, blood-speckled, serial
murderer costume with baby Jesus right next door?

(Phil Garding)



Is there a pill my wife can take
that'll make her do something that
makes me *want* to take Viagra?

(The Covert Comic)



Sure they laugh, cheer and applaud a clown
at the circus, but show up at their grandmother's
funeral and they'll turn on you in a heartbeat.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I got confused when the flight attendant woke
me up to ask if I wanted a Wet-Nap, because I
was well on my way to having one on my own.

(J. Hutter)



I always used to roll my eyes when my dad went
into his "When I was a kid I had to walk to
school in the snow -- uphill both ways!" spiel.
At least I did until the day he showed me
his yearbook from M.C. Escher Junior High.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I like the smell of old, fermenting urine
because that's the smell of money -- or at
least it's the smell of the cup of change I
took from a guy sleeping in the subway tunnel.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
And if it's a rainy Monday, you'd be
well advised to keep the small talk to a
minimum when you purchase stamps from me.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I could save time in a bottle,
I'd have a lot more room for
porno mags on my coffee table.

(Lili Von Schtupp)



Good friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Superfriends no let Hulk smash smashed.

(Mark D. Sabien)



While sitting at home and watching sleazy porn,
one question comes to my mind: What the heck
would happen if a pool boy ordered a pizza??

(SkyWalker707)



If I become a landscape designer, my signature
piece for each garden could be a gigantic chair
six times its normal size. It could also be my
calling card should I become a serial killer.
Either way, though, I'd need a big truck.

(W. Tuya)



If you ever found yourself having dinner
with a supermodel at a Denny's on Mercury,
order the Sulfur Burger, 'cause chicks love
a man who knows his galactic gourmet food.

(Donald Junter)



Today our company had a motivational speaker
give us some advice on working together.
He said, "There is no 'I' in 'team.'"
I said, "There isn't one in 'phlegm,' either."
They told me that I should skip the afternoon
session. Am I management material or what?

(Robert Dabritz)



If there's one piece of advice I'd offer
my former lover, it's this: Never enter a
suicide pact without first checking to see
if the other person's fingers are crossed.

(David Gunter)



In our discussion of the inevitability of time,
I brought up the fact that the students' parents
would all eventually die. However, I certainly
didn't expect them to whine and cry and act like
babies. Friggin' kindergarteners -- grow up!

(Lori Petterson)



"Beer is good. Beer and weed are better.
Beer, weed and hookers are best."
My high school guidance counselor had
a way of getting to the gist of things.

(Brad Osberg)



You say, "to-MAY-to"; I say, "If you
keep saying that tired f%#king phrase
every time we go to a goddamn salad
bar, I swear I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I were a pirate and lost my hand, instead of
a hook, I would get a big spoon. Sure, it may look
funny, and the other pirates might tease me, but
there's always a chance we could plunder a ship
full of pudding, and who'd be laughing then?

(Brad Wilkerson)



I don't know what my wife is so upset
about. For our wedding anniversary, I took
her out to eat at the most expensive place
in town: the movie concession stand.

(Mr. Bill)



Strangely enough, if you exchange the blue liquid
in your Magic 8-Ball with vodka, it doesn't really
affect its mysterious powers of insight and wisdom.

(George MacMillan)



You see things and say, "Why?"
I dream things that never were and say,
"Because I'll pay you to wear them."

(The Covert Comic)



I keep waiting to see a rollover accident involving
a cement truck, just to see if it keeps going
in circles while it's lying there on its back.

(Nancy Casurella)



I've always been rather ambivalent about things,
but I recently found out exactly *why* when I was
diagnosed with DGFF -- Don't Give a Flying F*ck.

(Pam Howell)



I sure got a lot of strange looks, carrying a dead
zebra, a rotting antelope and a suitcase full of
rancid prairie dogs. That's the last time I try to
board an airplane with more than two carrion items.

(Bob Van Voris)



All through elementary school, my report cards
always said, "Tony Isn't living up to his full
potential." Well, the jokes on them, because that
really was as good as I was ever going to get.

(Anthony Myers)



I bet the reason chipmunks are always darting
back and forth in utter fear is because they're
afraid of being mistaken for that one chipmunk
who slept with the preacher chipmunk's virgin
daughter and robbed the Chipmunk Bank.
'Cause, dude, they all look the same.

(Amber Martinelli)



I'm not sure whether my wife was irked
by my using too much foaming oil when I
drew her surprise romantic bath, or that
the Bubble Chick I sculpted while waiting
for her had a bigger rack than she did.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Last night, my wife and I made love at the
drive-in theater, and it was exactly like the
way it was years ago before we were married
-- except for the part where our kids were
complaining about not being able to see the movie.

(Miles Walker)



While Viagra might help your sexual performance,
one of the main side effects seems to be an
irresistible urge to send out millions of poorly
written e-mail messages touting its benefits
and offering to sell it to total strangers.

(Kim Moser)



At work, I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch
of dum-dums and slo-pokes. I think this job
at the candy factory is adversely confecting me.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Those who dream by day are cognizant of
many things that escape those who dream
only at night. For instance: how to fill
out an application for food stamps.

(The Covert Comic)



As I pondered the age-old question, "What
would evil sorcerers most like for breakfast?"
the answer suddenly came to me: Unlucky Charms,
of course! They're magically malicious!

(M. A. McDonald)



That guy must be the rudest doctor in
the world. I just asked him one simple
little medical question: "What am I
supposed to do with these suppositories?"

(Travis Ruetenik)



We watched in amazement as the heated cutting
utensil sliced through the yellow dairy
spread like a hot knife through butter.

(Jeff Chastain)



After I screwed up at my job, the boss
guaranteed me that I would "never work
in this town again." Ha! The joke's
on him, because never working again
has always been my ultimate goal!

(Anthony Myers)



You know that scene in the movies when the guy
reaches across and rips off his rubber face
and everyone gasps? I pulled that trick at a
party, ripping my face off -- and everyone *did*
gasp. Maybe I should have worn a rubber mask.

(Walter Means)



I recently saw a brand of laundry detergent
that claims it cleans by harnessing the power
of nature. After all these centuries, it's
about time we made nature our bitch and
started forcing her to do our laundry.

(Anthony Myers)



I often wonder if the voices in my head
ever get frustrated because I'm just too
damn lazy to climb that clock tower.

(Brad Osberg)



Does anyone else think "Spider-Man 3" is actually
a blaxploitation movie in disguise? Think about it:
The white hero puts on the "Black Suit" and suddenly
he has rhythm, acts like a pimp, and beats down his
girlfriend. Hell, they might as well have called
it "Baadasssss Spider-Man and the Ike Turner Suit."

(Scott E. Frank)



I'm thinking of developing a line of soft-core
porn videos for male dogs called "Bitches Gone
Crazy." The great thing is I'll be able to
cram in just as many exposed nipples, but
with only one-quarter the number of models!

(Mark D. Sabien)



Not to defend the guy, but I once called
a press conference to announce that I'm
not gay, and I'm not even a US senator!

(The Covert Comic)



As the threesome I'd finally succeeded in talking
my girlfriend into entered its second hour of
hot and heavy action, it dawned on me that I
really should have specified *my* involvement.

(Brad Wilkerson)



It's been said that if you lined up all
the cars in the world end-to-end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
That would be *me*, because -- HELLO! --
no one's coming from the other direction.

(Dwight Burke)



Some mornings I feel like the world is crashing
in on me. I'm drowning in a sea of faceless
suits, gasping desperately for air, crying out,
"Won't somebody get me out of this?!" Then my
wife opens the door, hands me some coffee and
reminds me that ours is not a walk-in closet.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Once I saw a damsel who was
not in any sort of distress.
She just stood there.
It was kinda creepy.

(Scott E. Frank)



Even though it's against departmental
regulations, mime-cop/illiterate-cop
works surprisingly well.

(Matt Perry)



I think the unspeakable has probably
already happened -- it's just that they
can't find a way to let us all know.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I cried because I had no hat --
until I met a man who had no head.
Not much of a talker, that guy.

(Bob Van Voris)



I wish I were a Siamese twin and my twin were
some rich guy who invented some really cool
technology. Then while he was working away,
I'd be shooting his secretary with paper clips
and rubber bands. Hey, everyone has a dream.

(BigDogDano)



About that infinite monkey/typewriter
thing... do monkeys get carpal tunnel
syndrome? 'Cause I'm not springing for
bananas AND disability insurance.

(Luke Schollmeyer)



No wonder babies get fussy. Have *you* ever
spent the day wearing paper and plastic
underwear, periodically soiling yourself?
It's hard to get any investment analysis done!

(Mark D. Sabien)



Something seems odd about brushing my teeth
after lunch while my coworker, Dan, is seated
just a few feet away, relieving himself.
Maybe it's because we're in the supply room.

(Raygun)



When I was in high school, I was so incredibly
tall and skinny the girls called me "Stringbean."
Well, that left deep scars that I've been trying
to heal with food ever since. Now that I'm up to
450 pounds, I have but one thing to say: "Who ya
calling 'Stringbean' now, huh? Huh? I won! I won!"

(Sunnyland Slim)



I cried because I had no body, corporeal
substance or any empirically verifiable
mode of material existence whatsoever.
Try topping *that*, stubby!

(The Covert Comic)



The Marines have a slogan that says,
"Pain is just weakness leaving the body."
That's a good slogan, but I don't think it's
100 percent accurate. Sometimes pain can be
something else entering the body, like a fork.

(Anthony Myers)



I never understood this "shirt and shoes required"
thing. You'd think that pants should be required
and underwear would be an absolute necessity.

(Kevin Freels)



One of these days I'm going to work up the
courage to look my wife straight in the eye
and ask, "What happened to your other eye?"

(The Covert Comic)



If I were a virgin back in the days when
they sacrificed virgins to their gods, I'd
probably want to be known as the dirty slut girl.
Gods never seem to want to date dirty slut girls.

(Luna Daisy)



My friend told me the whole NASA moon landing
was manufactured in a Hollywood studio. Okay,
so I could kind of buy that -- until he then
said the same thing about Star Trek! Idiot!

(Bill Ervin)



Sure, they talk a big game about how their
hiring practices don't discriminate based on
sexual orientation -- but you should have
seen how quickly my flower shop job interview
ended when I let slip I was a florasexual.

(George MacMillan)



For some reason, my new Italian roommate
got really pissed off and called me a racist.
And all I did was ask him how his day went.

(Scott E. Frank)



I think a good movie would be about a guy who
always gets up in the morning to discover
another limb has grown from his body.
Man, I'd rent that three or four times.
But on the fourth time, I'd probably just
fast-forward to the part about the tongues.

(LeMel Hebert-Williams)



As a CIA officer, I can confirm that working
for the CIA is no picnic -- unless you're a
CIA officer and you get assigned to spy at
a picnic, in which case I can neither confirm
nor deny that working for the CIA is a picnic.

(The Covert Comic)



I'll bet cops get really annoyed when they get
stuck in traffic behind some guy who's driving
way too slow because there's a cop behind him.

(Wade Huggins)



As my wife watched in horror while I perpetrated
what had to be the worst diaper change in history
of mankind, she swore she'd *never* let me do
another one. Woo-hoo! Mission accomplished!

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I was a teenager, I thought necking was the
most fun you could have on a date. But that was
before I got old and discovered Metamucil wrestling.

(Pam Pickard)



Sometimes when I try to tell my wife
I love her, the words just come out wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't be saying it in Klingon.

(Wiley)



Someone once said, "The enemy of my enemy is
my friend." But what if that first enemy also
hates you, and when it gets done kicking your
enemy's butt, it turns to you and says, "You're
next, punk"? Man, then you're in for it.

(David Hirning)



Today I gave the hospital permission
to youthanize my grandma. I can't wait
to see how much younger she looks!

(The Covert Comic)



I've learned not to ask my mother for
advice. She really should have clarified
that whole "prey/pray" thing before
the shootout with the cops started.

(Kremben)



My wife thinks that I stare at cute women
so long because I'm undressing them with
my eyes. What she doesn't realize is that,
as a gentleman, I have to dress them
back up again before I can look away.

(KingNeptune)



Saying something over and over again doesn't
make it true -- unless, of course, you're
saying, "I'm obnoxious and repetitive."

(Kremben)



The cruel deception of diaper makers is that
names like Pampers, Huggies and Luvs in no
way prepare you for the horror you find inside.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It's strange how you can never drink the
last swallow of soda in the can, but your
toddler can always spill it on the carpet.

(Scott Charles, Sr.)



I tried to do as my friends advised me on my
first date and whisper sweet nothings in her
ear, but all I could think of was "donut holes."

(Jerry L. Embry)



My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to
take him to the vet -- but unfortunately,
he died on the way there. Maybe I should
have put a few more air holes in the box.

(Kevin Freels)



On a recent trip to New York, I got to test that
urban legend about killing someone by dropping
a coin off of the Empire State building. The good
news is that now I *know*. The bad news is that the
only people I can share it with are my fellow inmates.

(Douglas Frank)



I don't think I'd want to live in a yellow
submarine. I kind of get the sense there
would be more goofing around than I could
tolerate and not enough torpedo firing.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Personally, I don't worry about identity theft.
I just imagine the thief's face when he realizes
he's wanted in three states for bank robbery.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I've decided to quit drinking for
30 days -- but I think I may need
60 days to complete the task.

(Kalli)



I wonder if those Taliban guys have ever tried
donuts. Because it's hard to believe anybody
would want to kill people after eating a donut.

(Scott E. Frank)



I always get Upton Sinclair and Sinclair Lewis
mixed up. I know one wrote about poor conditions
faced by factory workers in the early 20th
century, while the other came up with the myth
about big green dinosaurs that produce gasoline.
Either way, they were both a couple of loons.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I thought I had a severe sinus infection.
Turns out it was only Restless Loog Syndrome.

(Jerry L. Embry)



They say that genius is 99 percent
perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
Then again, so is mowing the lawn.

(Tom Sims)



They say that history repeats itself. I doubt
that's always the case, though. I sure don't see
why anyone would bother to shoot Lincoln again.

(Anthony Myers)



Time heals all wounds. Well, except
for the gaping hole my ex-girlfriend
gouged in my heart when she left me
6 years, 4 months, 3 days and 2 minutes ago.

(Tom Sims)



Instead of using the word "buoyant," I think
we should all start saying "floatacious."
It's one more way to pimpify our vocabulation.

(Scott E. Frank)



World's toughest job? How about being the
guy who has to put the whoop-ass *into* the can?

(Mark D. Sabien)



It's said that if a toilet flushes in the southern
hemisphere, the water will spin in the opposite
direction to that of a toilet flushed in the
northern hemisphere. I say: Let's put a toilet
in the southern hemisphere and test this theory!

(The Covert Comic)



Every time I see Smokey the Bear on television
saying, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires,"
I hope he's talking to somebody else, because
I've got enough responsibilities as it is.

(Dave Juurlink)



When I told my boss I was three hours late
returning the company truck because the
police asked me to help chase a bank robber,
he answered, "That's a load of crap!"
Since I work for a septic pumping company, and it
had been a busy day, I had to admit he was right.

(Phil Garding)



The instructions on my new medication say, "Take
one pill twice daily." I hate taking it the second
time though, because it always tastes like barf.

(wubwub)



I knew our Summer of Love past would eventually
catch up with us. Nowadays, my wife and I can
only have sex while in the mud and listening
to Jimi Hendrix play the Star-Spangled Banner.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I've decided that I really don't like
living in a gated community. I'm definitely
going to move somewhere else in six to
ten years, less time off for good behavior.

(Brad Hamer)



I was elated to hear my wife's name over
the radio as having come up with today's
"phrase that pays." Only later did I learn
the phrase was, "I'll blow the entire Morning
Zoo Crew for those Enrique Iglesias tickets."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Summer is my favorite time of year.
Bright sunny skies, warm temperatures,
and beautiful women in swimsuits.
During the summer I often stop what
I'm doing and think, "I wonder if
she can see me through these blinds?"

(Gary Kee)



I went to my health club this morning.
While I was working out, the same
thought kept coming back to me, and it
seemed very meaningful at the time.
I kept thinking, "Ouch. Ouch. Ouch."

(Phil Garding)



It struck me the other day exactly where my
position is in the corporate hierarchy when
I realized that the disabled stall in the
men's room has more space than my cubicle.

(Donald "Tim" Tribble)



My cousin from West Virginia and his
wife are coal miners. Guess what: It
turns out there's a Mile *Low* Club, too. 

(The Covert Comic)



Wouldn't it be great if hookers accepted
credit cards, just like gas stations?
That way, if you were in a hurry you could
use the convenient pay-at-the-pimp feature.

(Kim Moser)



I realized my pathological need to become
a star had carried me down a dark, desperate
path the morning I awoke to the sudden
realization I was one of Disney's Doodlebops.

(David Means)



If the UPS guy snaps and starts killing
people, is that considered "going parcel?"

(Jarrod Bridger)



I think Christo would be a lot of fun to
hang out with. I like how he blurs the line
between art, practical jokes and vandalism.

(Anthony Myers)



If you're ever staring down the barrel of a gun, I
think it would be funny to blow on the end of it, tap
it a few times, and say, "Hello? Is this thing on?"
Sure, it could cost you your life -- but, hey, who
knows when you'll get another chance to use that gag?

(Scott E. Frank)



If every person in the world would help just one
other person, what a beautiful world this would be.
Especially if that person everybody helped was me.

(The Covert Comic)



I had sex with three very ugly men last night, so
I guess you could say I had a "Three Dog Night."
But here's the really freaky part:
The three ugly guys *were* Three Dog Night.

(Stephanie Thompson)



As a noted Dostoyevsky scholar, I'm particularly
proud of my book, "'The Idiot' for Dummies."
Because even that volume has proved inaccessible
to some readers, I'm currently at work on "The
Complete Idiot's Guide to '"The Idiot" for Dummies.'"

(Bob Van Voris)



I figured I would have a better chance
with this girl I like at work if we
had some common friends, so I stole her
diamond earrings and fed them to my dog.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I didn't know what to make of Kentucky Fried
Chicken using "Sweet Home Alabama" as their
latest commercial theme -- until I saw
their new Skynless Chykyn Sandwych.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The grass is always greener on the other side
of the fence, *and* the Mexican Federales are a
lot more understanding than the Border Patrol.

(Joe Kozlarek)



When I finally strike it rich, I'm going to
have carpeting installed in my house. Not
wall-to-wall carpeting, though, because that's
just showing off. Door-to-door should be plenty.

(Scott E. Frank)



It isn't that I hate having to hear about
how hard it was for my grandparents "back
in the old country," it's that I hate having
to hear about their sex life in general.

(Dustin Moskowitz)



I try to live each day like it's
my last. It's a pretty good way to
live, except for the bad check fees.

(Anthony Myers)



I just came to the realization
that I have a morbid fear of overly
processed chocolate snack foods.
I guess that makes me hohophobic.

(Pamela Rice Hahn)



Experts say the grieving process is
different for everyone -- so back off and
let me finish peanut-buttering my fish suit!

(Mark D. Sabien)



I bet the guy who first said,
"Two heads are better than one" never
worked as a fetal ultrasound technician.

(Bob Van Voris)



Women constantly chide men about
their lack of commitment, but when
she swears she'll never speak to me
again, it barely last three days!

(Michael Cunningham)



People laugh when I tell them that I think the
hedgehog is the most beautiful creature in the
entire world. But what they don't realize is
that I'm talking about a hedgehog with blue
eyes, long blonde hair and a nice little body.

(Rick Roman)



They have big billboards outside of Meade, Kansas,
telling you how to get to the Dalton Gang's hideout.
No wonder those poor dumb suckers got shot.

(Anthony Myers)



I think spammers are starting to lose it.
Just today I received an offer to
lower my mortgage by three inches.

(James Smarjesse)



How do I know America is getting obese?
The world record for phone booth stuffing was
set in 1957, people. Nineteen. Fifty. Seven.

(Travis Ruetenik)



As a kid, I would ride my bike no-handed
down the crowded city streets. I have
since graduated from such juvenile stunts.
Besides, it's more fun doing it with my car.

(Stephanie Thompson)



I've been trying to see the world through
the eyes of someone more unfortunate than me
-- especially since the cornea transplants.

(Jerry L. Embry)



If Anthony Hopkins ever decides to open a
restaurant for cannibals, I bet he calls
the house special "Remains of the Day."

(Bob Van Voris)



The concept of the "paperless office"
looks really good -- on paper.

(Chuck Bonner)



When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question:
Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?

(Lindsay Acord)



When I reminded my anxious wife that the
labor nurses said to prepare to spend most
of this delivery completely naked, she
insisted that directive applied only to her.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Next time I go back to that biker bar, I'm
bringing my friends along to help me out.
Sure, they might laugh at *one*, but I
bet those chain-swinging morons would
cower before *three* Jedi knights.

(Hugh Ringling)



I can't remember a life before Google.
Fortunately, I can Google it.

(Hyetal)



Did you know that, even with all the
recent advancements in technology,
you *still* can't fax a weasel?

(John Gephart IV)



Since there must be thousands of billboards
and commercials warning people not to
drink and drive, you'd think there would
be at least a few warning about drinking
and trying to cut your own hair.

(Anthony Myers)



Mama said there'd be days like this.
However, she neglected to mention they might
end up with me naked in a tub of mayonnaise
with four angry midgets dressed as nuns beating
me with sticks of Hickory Farm summer sausage.

(Chris Malysiak)



Those giant buffalo herds were destroyed by the
same thing troubling me: excessive roaming charges.

(James Knowles)



My boss called me into his office and said we needed
to talk turkey about my attitude. I gobbled at
him for three minutes and now I'm out of a job!

(Donald Johnson)



Absinthe makes the mind go yonder.

(Ian Dauphinee)



When I was just 12 years old I was
hit by something called "ball lightning."
I guess that's why my voice never changed.

(Jerry L. Embry)



When I saw at the beginning of the week that
it was Pun/Wordplay week, I felt like a child
going to the toy store... what wonders awaited!
When it was over, I emerged once again a groan up.

(Phil M.)



After being caught relieving myself behind the mall
I've been told that I'll be tried by a jury of my pee-ers.

(Jerry L. Embry)



According to my doctor, just one more
bout of flu this winter and I'll be
inducted into the Hall of Phlegm.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Seems there were just enough sadistic homebuyers in the
area interested in my housing-development-on-an-old-
graveyard for "Polter Heights" to turn quite the tidy profit!

(Mark D. Sabien)



If less is more, then how much is "more or less"?

(Red Kinoko)



I've always wondered what I would do if I
had a million dollars, and after I purchased
the new printing press, I know: time.

(Jerry L. Embry)



The whole gay marriage thing is pretty stupid.
Why would anyone ever want to get married
to someone who isn't even pregnant?

(Anthony Myers)



The judge says I live in my own little dream world.
That's okay by me -- everybody knows me here.

(Mike Thorpe)



I think we should look towards charcoal as
our country's next fuel source, since it's
really easy to find at the grocery store.
Throw in some hickory chunks and America
would have a nice smokey aroma.

(Dustin Moskowitz)



Considering that I live in the most technologically
advanced country in the world, it's eerie how many
women I meet who have disconnected phone numbers.

(Greg Muchnik)



I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets
in, and stops my mind from wandering.
Seems a little risky to do it myself,
but with no insurance I can't
really afford a skull specialist.

(Larry Hollister)



When is McDonald's going to realize
they'd get *much* bigger sales with,
"Do you want porn with that?"

(Dakota Shepard)



If I ever have to have surgery, I'm
going to refuse local anesthesia.
My health is important enough to me
that I think it would be worth it to
splurge on the fancy imported kind.

(Anthony Myers)



Many hands make light work.
Why light no work, me don't know.

(David Scott)



I got a spam e-mail the other day that said,
"Try Colon Cleansing At Home!" Great idea,
but if I'd just received it a day earlier,
I wouldn't have been booted from the car wash.

(Miles Walker)



Even as I was doing it, I couldn't think of any
advantage to swan-diving into the lawn from the
big tree out front, but it turns out the surgical
team shaved those hard-to-reach places on my back!

(Brad Hamer)



My boss gave me a verbal warning for being
lazy, but he sent it via e-mail because he
didn't feel like walking over to my cubicle.

(John Keadle)



I was going to throw the used batteries
from my robot dog into the trash. Then I
realized that technically speaking, they
were actually robot-dog poop. So instead,
I just tossed them over my neighbor's fence.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



I've always believed in giving the customer
more than they expect. That's probably
why they kicked me out medical school.

(Anthony Myers)



If aliens landed and tried to make us their pets,
I bet dorky guys would help them conquer the Earth
just so they could quickly get to the leg-humping.

(Marc Phillips)



I'm not sure I like my dentist.
Last week, when I spit blood in his
spitsink, he said it turned him on.

(Marlin Spear)



I bet if you ever met someone actually
named Mr. Happy, you couldn't shake
hands with him without laughing.

(Charles Gulledge)



Those My Little Pony dolls are perfect for
little girls, combining their two favorite
real-life things: brushing hair and blowing
Dad's money on insanely expensive indulgences.

(Mark D. Sabien)



One morning my wife said, "I had the weirdest dream.
I dreamed I was helping Halle Berry have a baby."
"What a coincidence," I said. "I dreamed I
was helping Halle Berry have a baby, too!"
Then my wife got all tweaked.
Talk about a double standard!

(Ken Foster)



I had an embarrassing incident at the gym this
past weekend. I was caught square in the middle
of an argument between the people who call me the
Space Cowboy and the people who call me Maurice.

(John Crocker)



Ever notice how the word skiing has the letter "i"
twice in a row, just like two little skis with pole
marks? That's so cute, and appropriate too! When
they come up with a word for photocopying your butt
cheeks, I think it should be something like "p00king."

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



I hate that damn Judge Judith Sheindlin.
In her court, she thinks she's both judge AND Judy.

(Tracy Cross)



Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him
his birth video in reverse and telling him that's
what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

(J. Murphy)



You would think that, at some point during
all my years of research, one of my scientist
colleagues might be kind enough to mention
there was no need for a cootie vaccine.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The way I see it, there are two problems with
America: Problem number one, problem number
two and problem number three. No, wait --
make that *three* problems with America.

(Mark Niebuhr)



Why do vegetarians make a big deal about eating
hamburgers? Beef is really nothing but plants
run through a food processor called a cow.
It's just another way to get your vegetables.

(Phil Garding)



The thing I like
best about fantasy is
that I can afford it.

(Tom Sims)



The teacher sent home a note suggesting
we spend more time with our two kids,
and I have to tell you, I was shocked.
I only remembered the red-headed one.

(Jerry L. Embry)



If loving you is wrong, then baby, it
goes a long way towards explaining the
concussion and crushed left testicle.

(Dan, the crazy Croat)



I think the worst part about having both
hands torn off in a farming accident would
be losing the ability to point to where
in the hayfield you think they flew.

(Mark D. Sabien)



You really can learn things in Lamaze
classes. I learned that just because a
video has a naked lady in it doesn't mean
that my "bawm-chick-a-bamp bamp" song is going
to automatically get a laugh out of the room.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Word to the wise: Remember, while it's illegal to leave
the scene of an accident, there's nothing to stop you
from driving away if you run over someone on purpose.

(Anthony Myers)



Don't bother trying to join the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It turns
out they're apparently against all three.

(Wiley)



I tried to tell myself that getting fired was
just a part of my personal and professional
journey, and not at all emasculating.
Until, that is, they mentioned the words
"severance" and "package" in the same sentence.

(David Weinraub)



I overheard my apartment neighbor telling
his Mafia bosses about a guy he whacked.
I'm gonna ask him if he'd be willing to give
me $20,000 to keep my mouth shut about it.
I figure the worst he can do is say "No," right?

(Brad Hamer)



My boss keeps saying there's no "I" in "TEAM."
I finally told him since "I" was not needed
here, he could find "M E" at the strip club
down the street checking out the "T" and "A."

(Bad Macaw)



There's no way to prove this, and we'll
probably never really know, but I'd be
willing to bet that it was a guy who
first came up with the concept of porn.

(Wiley)



I'd like to teach the hot chick next door
to sing in acceptable unison in the shower.
Hey, ya gotta start somewhere.

(Joseph Moore)



Her mom may be angry about it, but if
my 3-year-old niece ever becomes a truck
driver, that tobacco-spitting trick I
taught her will come in mighty handy.

(James Knowles)



My Uncle Jack was a counterfeiter,
but that doesn't mean he wasn't a
great guy. In fact, when he died,
he left me four billion dollars.

(Mr. Bill)



I met two old friends the other day.
One is an ex-con who grew up
on the wrong side of the tracks.
The other is a quadruple amputee
who grew up *on* the tracks.

(George MacMillan)



I wish people here would start to have
siestas every afternoon like they do
in Mexico. That would make for a few
hours of really good shoplifting time.

(Anthony Myers)



I still say the best defense against rouge
terrorists is a good shot of Ponds Cold Cream.

(Sagacious Shauna)



Since nobody eats it broccoli anyway, farmers
should find a way to make an alternative energy
source out of it. I'll bet that would stop
restaurants from garnishing my steak with it,
but even if it doesn't, hey, free ride home!

(Dwight Burke)



Some days make you wonder if you've
made bad choices in your life.
Especially those days when the FBI
shows up and digs in your back yard.

(Bob Van Voris)



Some people have preconceived ideas about
ex-con addict/alcoholics with no job, but
let me tell you: It also has its dark side.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Talk about wasted technology.
Until they also perfect pee-at-the-pump,
you still have to go inside the store.

(Kevin Green)



It's weird how my TV always plays danger music
right before I get up to go to the refrigerator.
It's like my TV *knows.*

(The Covert Comic)



Jesus and I have a lot in common.
We are both friendly towards prostitutes.

(Tom Sims)



Although the story always exaggerates
the foolishness of Jack's bargain, I can't
help but wonder what the hell a magic
bean salesman wants with a friggin' cow.

(Larry Hollister)



My latest paycheck stub had a note saying,
"Bush tax changes are reflected in this paycheck."
Oh, great -- women already earn less than men,
and now they're taxing us just because we're women!

(Jenni)



I've done a substantial amount of research,
and I'm pretty sure the only two things
you can hit with a stick and get candy from
in return are pinatas and vending machines.
The project continues, though, as I'm constantly
whacking all sorts of stuff with sticks.
Sure, it's a longshot, but it's worth it if
the effort pays off with a new candy source.

(Anthony Myers)



These people who build roads must be
psychic. How else would they know
where I wanted to live, work and shop?

(Walter Means)



Since nobody eats it anyway, broccoli farmers
should figure out a way to make an alternative
energy source out of it. I'll bet that would
stop restaurants from garnishing my steak with
it, but if it doesn't, hey, free ride home.

(Dwight Burke)



I can't comprehend this fascination
with the Klingon language. Have these
people lost all contact with reality?
The Vulcans are a much wiser and nobler race!

(Chuck Bonner)



Since nobody eats it anyway, broccoli farmers
should figure out a way to make an alternative
energy source out of it. I'll bet that would
stop restaurants from garnishing my steak with
it, but if it doesn't, hey, free ride home.

(Dwight Burke)



I can't comprehend this fascination
with the Klingon language. Have these
people lost all contact with reality?
The Vulcans are a much wiser and nobler race!

(Chuck Bonner)



I wish *I* had been that baby alien inside John Hurt.
I'm not going to tell you what part of his body I
would have come bursting out of; but let's just
say it would have been a hell of a lot funnier. 

(The Covert Comic)



Today at work I dared to put tea in my
coffee mug -- because that's the wild,
crazy, living-on-the-edge kinda guy I am.

(James Knowles)



Okay, so there's no "I" in "team"
-- but there *is* one at the very
beginning of "incompetent management."

(Bad Macaw)



They say God knows everything before it happens.
That is so awesome. I mean, *I* only know when
cats in my neighborhood are going to disappear.

(The Covert Comic)



Every time I hear the phrase "There's always
someone worse off than you are," I get upset.
I wish they would just leave me out of it.

(Jerry L. Embry)



If you simply put crystal meth in your
cat's food and spray him with Endust once
a day, you'll never need to dust again.

(Bob Van Voris)



I leave my car running in the driveway.
I never turn off lights. I even bought
a couple of cows. The real Inconvenient
Truth is that I'm stuck in Ohio, so I
might as well have Florida come to me.

(Mark Gauche)



I've practiced meditation most
of my life. It's better than
sitting around doing nothing.

(Tom Sims)



While reaching modern students is tougher now
than ever, I suppose I might have crossed some
vague ethical boundary by renaming my "Calculus
in Geometry" course "Learning to Make Crystal Math."

(Mark D. Sabien)



As a young boy, I was always sickly and weak, so my
parents put me on a special diet. I used to dream
that I was Superman -- that I could fly and was the
strongest man on earth. Now that I'm older, I realize
those were just silly dreams, but I still eat my
Kryptonite every day just as my parents taught me to.

(Kevin Freels)



The two people who live in Canada are both
in a chatroom with me right now, so this
would probably be a good time to annex
the territory. I mean, if we want to.

(Tidewater Joe)



I believe in turning a negative into
a positive. Why, just this morning I
was thinking, "How can I turn being a
couch potato into a profitable lifestyle?"

(Tom Sims)



At first, I thought my love was rewarding my
efforts by whispering something in my ear, but then
I realized sadly she had merely sprung a leak.

(Wiley)



You know it's been a rough day for your girlfriend
when she takes the ice cream out of the freezer,
then removes the lid and throws it directly in the
garbage. She's given up all pretense that she
might leave some ice cream to put back afterwards.

(Andy Blau)



I was planning on signing up to be a
superhero, but when I got to the superhero
headquarters the only power left was
"absorbs more odor than baking soda."

(Anthony Myers)



Some folks wonder why people would look in
their hankies after blowing their noses.
Obviously those non-recycling fat-cats don't
realize just how expensive cocaine can be.

(Mark D. Sabien)



While it's true you aren't fully dressed without
a smile, you also need to make sure you're wearing
pants. At least that's the arresting officer said.

(Neil Riggs)



After developing a healthy orange glow, an
interest in Olivia Newton-John and an increased
desire to roller-skate, I realized that either
these Xanax tablets are counterfeit or my
doctor needs to work on his penmanship skills.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Nietzsche said: "A casual stroll through the
lunatic asylum shows that faith doesn't prove
anything." And therein lies the question:
Should we believe a guy who took casual
strolls through lunatic asylums?

(The Covert Comic)



My wife cut and dyed her hair, lost 20 pounds
and bought a whole new wardrobe. Cool! Now
it's like never having sex with a total stranger!

(Brad Osberg)



I finally figured out why my cat doesn't
give a rat's ass: She keeps those for herself.

(Mark Zinck)



After traveling to Tibet and seeing
firsthand how Tibetans revere Buddha,
I'm reconsidering going on the Atkins diet.

(Tom Sims)



I have only one question about the Kyoto Accord:
How many miles per gallon does it get?

(Alan Selk)



Ever since my wife and I changed our
method of lovemaking, she's been having
a lot more orgasms. At least that's how
it sounds from my side of the bedroom.

(The Covert Comic)



My Spidey sense is going crazy today,
suggesting I might soon be getting
fired. Perhaps it's no coincidence I
feel this greater tingling on the days
I choose not to wear pants to work.

(Mark D. Sabien)



As the ocean wind sprayed salt water in my
hair, I gazed longingly into her beautiful
sapphire eyes and whispered sweetly those
three words that I had been so scared to say
until that glorious moment: "Gimme some sex."

(Tony Chen)



I love "Date Night" with my wife.
The way I see it, if we stay married,
it's a beautiful romantic gesture.
If we don't, it's good practice.

(Brad Osberg)



I think the best part about my being so
paranoid is that I always know somebody cares.

(Dave Stapel)



I took feng shui for about three years.
I got my black belt, but for some reason,
I still get my ass kicked in fights.

(Anthony Myers)



Call me a hopeless romantic, but I
believe in love at first sight. I even
have a special word for it: "lust."

(Wiley)



If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck,
quacks like a duck and knocks you out with
a single karate kick to the head, it probably
is a duck -- an awesomely BADASS ninja duck!

(Brad Hamer)



I don't think I'd find the Microsoft Office
paperclip nearly so annoying if they made
it talk like a hard-core gangsta rapper.

(Peter Rogers)



I was going to get a steel plate put in
my head, but my insurance wouldn't cover it.
Apparently, they only pay for getting a steel
plate if there's some sort of medical reason
for it. Just wanting to improve the radio
reception on your Walkman doesn't cut it.

(Anthony Myers)



My return home from my tour of duty turned out to
be bad news. My first clue something was wrong
was when I saw that the yellow ribbons tied to
all the trees were actual crime-scene tape.

(Norm Wilcox)



I think the key to my homemade "olde-tyme"
peanut butter cookies is the great care I put
into crunching up real peanuts into a smooth
consistency. Either that or the added saliva.

(Mark D. Sabien)



People are mistaken when they interpret
my straining in the weight room until
my face contorts as stubborn machismo.
What they don't realize is that I have
an audition coming up and I'm gunning for
the part of "Constipated Man on Toilet."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Gandhi may have said, "An eye for an eye makes
the whole world blind," but I think it would
just make the world one-eyed and well-behaved.

(Steve Jones)



My mechanic told me I needed a new
catalytic converter for my car.
Figures I'd get a damned Trekkie mechanic!

(Jennifer Piatak)



My grandson has learned how to hold and
carry the cat. He has also learned how
to flush the toilet. I can't help but
believe that in the not-too-distant future
there will be another lesson in store for him.

(Dave Henry)



They say the three most important things in
real estate are lubrication, lubrication and
lubrication. On second thought, maybe I should
have asked to see that guy's real estate license.

(Bob Van Voris)



I missed getting the kids tickets to
Sesame Street Live! and Disney on Ice,
but I have a feeling all will be forgiven
when we go to see Chip 'n' Dale's Revue.

(David Anderson)



I think the best part about being reincarnated as a
dog would be not having to explain to the judge why
you chose to relieve yourself on the police cruiser.

(Dave Juurlink)



When George Washington and Abraham Lincoln
posed for their portraits that ended up
on U.S. currency, do you think the
engraver urged them to "make this one
count because it's the money shot?"

(Kim Moser)



To have the money for such a giant building,
Empire State must be a great school.

(Andrew Friedman)



For six months I've been on this Atkins meat-based diet,
and although I'm losing weight, it's beginning to get
difficult to stick to the diet. Before too long, I'll
have to move on to another town to find more Atkinses.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When the police asked why I killed that guy,
I had to laugh -- I didn't know either!

(Rick Wisner)



I guess I should be grateful that the therapist
from the stress hotline talked me out of bringing
a gun to work today, but I gotta say it's a bitch
trying to make arrests with a banana in my hand.

(Col. Klink)



So the other day, I was naked with a finger wedged
deep in my ear and snacking on rice cakes soaked in
soy sauce while balancing on one foot on a pyramid
of delicate china cups and saucers, and I thought
to myself, "Oh my God, I've become my father!"

(Bob Roth)



Admitting you have a problem is the
first step toward getting medicated for it.

(Jim Evarts)



My friends tell me I have a
controlling nature. That's the
same narrow-minded thinking
that gave the Nazis a bad name.

(Tom Sims)



Drugs are not the answer. Unless the
question is "What's not the answer?"

(Adam Bernet)



As I look back on my life as a successful lawyer,
a good husband and a father of three, I think,
"Man, it sucks that this was all inside the Matrix."

(Dominic Aquilina)



If I had to choose between the '80s classics
"Beat Street" or "Breakin'" for a prestigious award,
I'd probably have to go with the latter, since its
sequel introduced the mind-shattering concept
of marrying *electricity* with the boogaloo.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My manager in produce called me in and
ferociously berated me for doing inappropriate
things with the fruit while on the job.
As usual, I handled myself with aplomb.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My young grandson loves to bounce on the bed.
It must be hereditary, because I'm pretty
sure that's how his mother got pregnant.

(Dave Henry)



There is nothing as relaxing as going to the
bathroom while reading a good, wholesome book.
Unless, of course, those rent-a-cops at
the botanical garden harass you for
having "ruined" the rhododendron exhibit.

(Frank Varano)



Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, now
I'm just your punching bag.

(Doug Sykes)



If a futuristic cyber-assassin ever came back
through time to kill me so that I wouldn't grow
up to be the leader of a great rebellion, the
first thing I'd do is get a job at Taco Bell.
Disguising myself by working with a group
of losers should satisfy his main directive.

(Todd Loushine)



If I were Santa, I would stop the frenetic madness
of delivering millions of presents in one night and
just divvy up my naughty/nice list, enlisting the
help of the kids' parents to go out and buy the gifts.

(Helen Aitken)



The last man in the world sadly thought,
"This cannibalism thing didn't
work out quite like I planned."

(Mark Schipper)



With the popularity of biblical
names these days, I'm kind of
surprised at the reaction we get when
people meet our little baby, Satan.

(Bob Van Voris)



Looking back on my childhood, I'm
really thankful that Lincoln Logs
were not invented by M.C. Escher.

(Col Klink)



Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea
on paper. Unfortunately, my grow-to-fit
ass works faster than they do.

(Scott E. Frank)



"Oops!... I Did It Again" is a wonderful title
for a pop song, but a lousy response when
you're caught sleeping with your wife's sister.

(Brad Osberg)



I wonder how many people a year get lost in
a Ford Explorer or trapped within a Ford Escape.
I have plenty of time to think about things
like that since this is the third day I've been
buried under this snowbank in my Chevy Avalanche.

(Mark Mills)



I'll bet the reason bugs
don't play contact sports is
because of their exoskeletons.

(Mitch Griggs)



When short hemlines came back into
fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out
of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't
figure out what to do with my other leg.

(Patricia Dunn)



I thought about getting a bidet, but
decided it was cheaper and just as
efficient to do a handstand in the shower.

(Pamela Rice Hahn)



The people at the hunting bureau thought it
was odd that I was seeking a driving permit,
but hey, deer season is just a week away.

(Audrey Hoffman)



My wife keeps telling me I shouldn't eat
cookies for breakfast because too much
sugar in the morning makes me irritable.
I don't know why she can't get it through her
thick skull that cookie dough *isn't* cookies.

(Dave Brennan)



I recently ate at Hooters for the
first time. The service was very prompt,
which is why I'm never going back.

(Anthony Myers)



I complained that I had no shoes until I met
a man who had no feet. Then, I complained
that I had a plantar wart, athlete's foot and
toenail fungus, and that I recently stepped on a
nail and stubbed my toe. Top that, Mr. Footless!

(Wiley)



As I stood in line screaming in terror
while the cashier handed me two quarters,
one dime and a nickel, I was hit with a
sad realization: I was afraid of change.

(Paul B.)



I fully believe that an ounce of prevention is
worth a pound of cure. That is, unless it means
I have to change my diet or exercise habits, quit
smoking and/or drugs, make a budget, pay for
maintenance on my car, be more tactful or lock
up my firearms. In those cases, forget it.

(Catherine Wells)



Did those jerks at the blood
bank even bother to read my note?
I'd *sterilized* those Mason jars first!

(Mark D. Sabien)



One of the things a man has to deal with as he
gets older is hair growing out of new places.
You name it, I've got hair growing out of it!
No, really, name it. It's a little game I like
to play. C'mon, don't wimp out -- name it!

(Damon Milhem)



While I was on Spring Break, a random girl
on the beach showed me her boobs. I was very
pleased with myself until I realized I could
have saved nearly $1000 by blowing off the week
in Florida and just getting a lapdance instead.

(Tim Grebos)



When I let people borrow my tools, I
usually have to give them specific
instructions on how to use them.
Well, except for one, that is,
assuming they know the drill.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Arizona has signs all along the highways
that say, "Watch for Dust in Road."
Sounds to me like whoever's in charge of the
state's tourism slogans is just phoning it in.

(Anthony Myers)



If anyone in my house looks like they're about to
start an argument with me, the first thing I do
is put on a shirt. We're not the kind of family you
usually see on "COPS," but you can't be too safe.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I'm hoping I can apply for a smelling-nose
dog, to compensate for my handicap of not
being able to recall where I've stashed my weed.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I just found out that kiwi birds get
to be over two and a half feet long.
That probably means that those are kiwi
*tenderloins* in those little Kiwi cans.

(Duxall Inarow)



I totally missed the significance of March 14
falling on a Wednesday this year. Pi Day and
Hump Day converged! They should have just
combined them and called it American Pie Day!

(Paul Totman)



Have you noticed that, in person, most of
those sultry-sounding female DJs are actually
frumpy and average-looking? All the true
hotties must be working the phone sex lines.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Originally the term "cowboy" was probably an
insult. And most likely a few early cowboys
protested, saying, "I'm not a 'cowboy,' I'm
a mounted livestock management professional."
Those guys were probably shot.

(The Covert Comic)



I still think one of mankind's greatest
inventions is that little brown strip
that appears in the bottom of my underwear
to tell me when it's time to wash them.

(Michael F.)



A paradox that I face is that in order to
enjoy the value and bounty of the buffet,
I must also mingle with the type of people a
flashing, neon, all-you-can-eat sign attracts.

(Bill Hewins)



I'm thinking about changing my name
to Tat. Maybe it'll improve my odds.

(Wiley)



If I ever end up in jail, I hope it's
because I was convicted of something
cool-sounding, like "incitement to riot"
or "crimes against humanity," and not just
because Columbia House finally found me.

(Anthony Myers)



The worst thing about being your own boss
is knowing there will never be enough
money to justify filing that frivolous
sexual harassment suit against yourself.

(Brad Osberg)



Instead of sitting around arguing about what
will or won't kill a vampire, why don't we
simply find some vampires and *ask* them?

(The Covert Comic)



I just can't win. When I asserted my right
to act as my own attorney, the judge charged
me with practicing law without a license.

(Kim Moser)



Being a bus driver is a great job.
I pick up women, they give me money,
and eventually everyone gets off.

(Bad Macaw)



Change is good. Especially when
it's a change back to the way
I liked it in the first place.

(Marshall Gatten)



It's never encouraging when you
ask your parents to tell you about
when you were born and they simply
reply, "Mistakes were made...."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Can anyone help me figure this out? Every
month or so, my wife becomes very irritable
and for a few days wants nothing to do with
me. Call me naive or superstitious, but
I think she maybe turning into a werewolf.

(Wiley)



Benjamin Franklin could have invented electricity
much easier by rubbing two cats together.  

(BigDogDano)



I'm feeling a little guilty. Today was the first
day of the rest of my life, and all I did was
drink Old Milwaukee and watch the Cartoon Network.

(Larry Hollister)



The western United States has such a perfect
combination of wide prairie, endless sky
and a history of pioneer struggles that
it makes me want to drive really fast.

(Phil Garding)



Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Oh, and take it from me: Looking up the
other end doesn't exactly work wonders
for your rep with the other cowboys.

(Brad Osberg)



Of all the senses, smell is the first I'd
be willing to ditch. I'd gladly give up
"fresh-baked cookies" and "pine needles"
to be eternally rid of "gassy cubicle-mate"
and "Febreze-impervious apartment sofa."

(Mark D. Sabien)



My motto is: "Slow and steady wins the
race." Unfortunately, it seems I have
a rather narrow-minded track coach.

(Wiley)



Sometimes I wonder if Angelina Jolie
gives a rat's ass what *I'm* wearing.

(Richard Skora)



In 1901, Annie Taylor became the first person to go
over Niagara Falls in a barrel. It may sound like
a dumb thing to do, but she was a genius compared
to her son, Ralph Taylor, who went over the side
of the Empire State Building in a barrel in 1932.

(Tim H. Richweis)



March Madness is my favorite time in all
of sports, because you get to watch some
good basketball *and* hand over your
hard-earned money to some idiot co-worker
who knows absolutely nothing about the sport.

(Tim H. Richweis)



When I'm flying, I'm always afraid that the
flight attendants will start throwing around
those little hotel shampoo bottles you know
they must get tons of. After all, if there's
anything in these modern times that gives me
the screaming heebie-jeebies, it's the thought
of using airplanes to conduct Jhirmack warfare.

(Tom Wideman)



If George Washington is really the father of
our country, I guess that makes Ben Franklin
our uncle, and that whole Aaron Burr/Alexander
Hamilton thing is kind of like when the two
cousins no one talks about suddenly show
up on "Jerry Springer" one afternoon.

(Paul B.)



Lately I find myself forgetting little
things. I think I may have micronesia.

(Michael Cunningham)



Standing in the back of the church, clad in
my beautiful designer gown, looking at the
expressions of awe on the guests' faces, it
occurred to me the bride might be really upset
that we both showed up wearing the same dress.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



Whenever my fiancee asks me why I love her, I
always feel like I'm in eighth-grade math class,
and my teacher just told me I have to show my
work. I know I've got the right answer, but
I'll be damned if I know why or how I got it.

(Rabbi Crut)



When women say they desperately want you,
but only to rub their legs to get the
circulation going, it's time to die.

(Tidewater Joe)



As the doctor removed the fourth peanut butter cup
from my rectum, I came to a very, very important
realization: There *is* a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

(The Word Nerd)



I don't care how optimistic you may
be, a diaper is never half empty.

(Cornelius Robinson)



Studying for finals is like the 12-step
program at AA. I'm not quite sure why,
though. Perhaps I'll think of something
after I've finished my test and sobered up.

(Adrienne Cannella)



It's weird how, after all these years, memories
of college lectures on thermal conductivity
dynamics came flooding back and finally gelled.
I just wish it hadn't taken a dropped mug
of Maxwell House in my lap to hammer it home.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If Mother's Day brings out flower-sellers on
every corner, why is no one on the curb on
Father's Day, selling porn, beer and power tools?

(Dan Weckerly)



Well, the good news is I've finally
perfected time travel. The bad news is
I'm the first man caught cheating on his
wife with a younger version of herself.

(Kevin Fox)



The expression "as smooth as a baby's behind" may
*sound*great to describe your beautiful skin, but
you might wish you hadn't used all those creams and
cleansers when people start calling you "ass-face."

(Steve Nathans)



I know it's just a silly superstition, but I
never go out of the house without my lucky gun.

(The Covert Comic)



If I were in the CIA and my job was to
search for moles, my first look would be
at insectivore employees with bad eyesight.

(Michael Cunningham)



They say it's the shabby workman who
blames a poor result on his tool.
I don't see that I have much choice,
though, being a porn star and all.

(Douglas Frank)



So I'm in the lobby hammering on the
elevator button, and this guy tells me
that pressing it repeatedly won't make
it come any quicker. But right then,
the elevator arrives. I guess building
maintenance guys don't know everything.

(Doug Vargas)



I wonder if young people on honeymoons today
have as much sex as we did when I was young.
For the first week on our cruise, most people
thought my wife and I were Siamese twins.

(Jerry L. Embry)



When you see "smothered chicken" on a menu,
do you get a mental picture of a chef
suffocating a chicken with a tiny pillow
back in the kitchen, or is it just me?

(Blaine Hofmockel)



I got a job at the new vacuum cleaner/
suction cup/soda straw/bellows factory
they just opened, and I've gotta be
honest: It really isn't very good.

(Hyetal)



If I could tell you one thing I've learned from
working for a bipolar boss, it's to be
very selective in when you talk back to him.
Well, that *and* don't knock up his wife.

(Mike MacDonald)



They say the truth is funnier than
any joke you can possibly tell.
And when they say this, I know
I've failed yet another audition.

(The Covert Comic)



The magic isn't completely gone from my marriage, but
it used to be like a ritzy Las Vegas show featuring
David Copperfield and involving a cage full of
tigers and a bevy of beautiful showgirls. Now it's
more like Uncle Ernie's "Got your nose!" trick.

(Wiley)



I had the sensation of being trapped
in an endless void; I was very tense
and frustrated, and felt completely
helpless and all alone. That was
my first out-of-booty experience.

(Douglas Frank)



I'm not laughing at you -- I'm laughing
with my friends who are laughing at you.

(Mark Stubbs)



If men have a funny way of looking
at life, maybe it's because
we always view it through
the periscope in our pants.

(Michael Cunningham)



The hell with Folgers. The best part
of waking up is going back to sleep.

(Janine Obley)



God never gives us more than we can handle.
Luckily, though, Bernie's Big Boy Buffet does.

(Mr. Bill)



If I were in Congress, I'd probably have refused
the president's request for $87 billion to continue
the mission in Iraq. It's not that I'm against the
war -- I just I don't have change for a trillion.

(LeMel Williams)



I was surprised how painful being struck
by Cupid's arrow on Valentine's Day was
-- until I asked myself, "Since when does
Cupid hide behind bushes and stalk his prey?"
Damn you, Ted Nugent! You got me again!

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



When life deals you heart-wrenching,
bleak torture of the soul, do not make
heart-wrenching-bleak-torture-of-the-soul-ade;
the better choice is still lemonade.

(Michael Sheinbaum)



I was surprised how painful being struck
by Cupid's arrow on Valentine's Day was
-- until I asked myself, "Since when does
Cupid hide behind bushes and stalk his prey?"
Damn you, Ted Nugent! You got me again!

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



When life deals you heart-wrenching,
bleak torture of the soul, do not make
heart-wrenching-bleak-torture-of-the-soul-ade;
the better choice is still lemonade.

(Michael Sheinbaum)



Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket. Then tell it that unless you
get a cool half-mil, you'll sell to the
highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing
photos of it puking naked in the alley.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale," just keep
on driving. They usually only have one yard for sale,
and even then, it's covered with a bunch of junk.

(Frank Weisbly)



If there was some kind of self-gratification
competition, I'm sure I could hold my own.

(Wiley)



When my parents come to visit, I force them
to smoke pot and do straight shots of whiskey.
Hey, when you're in MY house, you live by MY rules.

(Stephanie Thompson)



I was a little offended when my gynecologist
prescribed chewable birth control pills for me,
as if I were a 7-year-old. But what *really*
pissed me off was there was no Betty Rubble!

(Jenn McNanna)



I found the perfect Mother's Day gift --
a gift that shows how much I care for
the mother of our two beautiful children:
I got her that restraining order she's been seeking.

(Loyal Barber)



When I showed up at work in my leather corset
and thigh-high boots and made my coworkers
really uncomfortable, I couldn't help but wish
the bank manager had been more specific when
he told me to dress more like a professional.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much,
and I have to close my eyes and take a few steps back,
'cause I'm really not into that whole "honesty" thing.

(Mike MacDonald)



I'm not much of a sports fan. Until yesterday,
I thought the Super Bowl was one of those toilets
that won't clog no matter what you put down them.
Now that I know it's a football game, the whole
"Super Bowl party" thing makes a lot more sense.

(Phil Garding)



As I was lying in bed that night, I got to
thinking, "What would Jesus do?" That didn't
prove much help, so I got a bit more specific:
"What would Jesus do with a dead hooker's body?"

(Brian Tobin)



I wonder how people would feel if they
saw animal "fashion models" parading
down a runway dressed in human skins.
Because if people like that sort of
thing, I'm in possession of a video
that could make some serious money.

(The Covert Comic)



I've always treated my body as a temple,
but not for spiritual reasons. I'm
just hoping a sacrificial virgin or
two might wander in for a look-see.

(Joseph Moore)



I knew when I got married and had children, I'd
eventually have to say strange things like "Trust
me, there's nothing in your ear you want to eat."
I just assumed I'd be saying them to the children.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



Ice cream must have tasted terrible before
the invention of the modern boneless/seedless
varieties that we now take for granted.

(Kim Moser)



For years I had this unexplained, burning
desire to risk my life in the running
of the bulls. I was finally able to
get the proper treatment once the doctor
diagnosed me with Human Pamplona Virus.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I think it's time we all finally admit that
nitro-burning funny cars aren't NEARLY as
funny as the kind all the clowns come out of.

(Kim Moser)



When I got my kids back from foster care
dressed as a gay biker, a cowboy and a cop,
it occurred to me that maybe it really does
take the Village People to raise a child.

(Bob Van Voris)



Someone once told me that "money makes the world
go 'round." Makes sense to me: If I ever had
to get out and push this bitch around the sun,
*all* of you would have to cough up some change.

(Matt Cole)



Lord give me the strength to do some
stuff, the courage to do some other
stuff, and the wisdom to do some other
stuff. And also a better memory.

(The Covert Comic)



It's too bad that aqueducts went out of style.
The problem is that people only filled them
with water. Seriously, who wouldn't support an
unlimited supply of free-flowing pudding instead?

(John Gephart)



When I fight authority, authority always wins
-- which is why I prefer just to scatter
drywall screws in authority's driveway.

(Brian J. Noggle)



I noticed that diapers come in different sizes:
up to 10 pounds, 10-20 pounds, 20-25 pounds, etc.
I can't help thinking that if some toddler is
carrying around 25 pounds of poo in a diaper,
its parents should be changed as well.

(Michael Tunney)



As I pick off another piece of dry, flaky
skin and drop it in the crack behind
the couch, I get to thinking: There must
be a whole other me back there by now.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I think of all the personal, potentially
embarrassing questions a teenage daughter
might ask her father, the scariest has got
to be, "Daddy, why are you watching that
stupid Olsen twins movie on TV again?"

(Chris MacEachen)



I gave my fiancee one of those blood diamonds
on an engagement ring -- although, technically,
there wasn't any blood on it until after I slept
with her sister and asked for the ring back.

(Michael Cunningham)



I look to nature to find which diets actually work.
I suggest the squirrel diet, because you almost
never see a fat squirrel. It's easy: Just lose
99 percent of the food you hid around the house.

(Carolyn Mansager)



I narrowly escaped having my super-hero identity
exposed yesterday when my friend said I was a
cynical person. I thought my days as Cynical Man
(with X-ray insight) were over, but it turned
out he was actually just making conversation.

(Phil Garding)



Sure, Hugh Hefner may get laid a lot more than
I do, but I figure I watch *much* more TV than
he does, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

(Chris MacEachen)



Gerald Ford was a former member of the
Warren Commission, so I can understand
why the Castro/Chicago Mafia/C.I.A. shadow
government bumped him off. I just can't
understand why they took out James Brown.

(Chuck Sawyer)



Someday, science will provide humans with a way to
give birth to their own kittens. But before you jump
on that bandwagon, don't forget: After they're
born, you won't have enough teats to go around.
So getting kittens the old-fashioned way
will probably never go out of style.

(Doug Vargas)



If you're traveling at the speed
of light and you need to take a leak,
whatever you do, don't aim forward.

(The Covert Comic)



The IHOP waitress called it horseplay, but I
doubt a pony ever came up with an idea as cool
as my blindfolded waffle and syrup battle.

(John Gephart)



I think "Do unto others as you would have
them do unto you" is a wonderful philosophy,
but I'll bet it just confuses masochists.

(Kent Davidson)



As a professional escape artist, I thought my
date would be impressed by my ability to avoid
paying the dinner check, but she threw a fit.
Had she been more appreciative, I'd have stuck
around to help her get out of the police car.

(Donald Junter)



It's encouraging to know the makers of Soylent Green
would be forced by today's FDA guidelines to include
the phrase "Ingredients: People" in the nutritional
disclosure. However, I sense most shoppers would
just see "Now with no trans fats!" splashed on the
front and drop a few cans in their carts anyway.

(Mark D. Sabien)






© 1998-2009.  All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.