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Ruminations



Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010


I'm not sure if I should put the honor roll
sticker my son brought home on my bumper.
On the one hand, he's not actually an honor
student, but on the other hand, he earned
it fair and square by beating up some nerd.

(Paul B.)



They can't pull the rug out from under
you if you're already lying on the floor.

(The Covert Comic)



After a tumultuous night of tossing and
turning, I determined that, warm as it may
be, the dryer isn't the best place to sleep.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



You'd think that by now, with all
the recent advances in technology,
someone would have come up with some
really good fake Bigfoot evidence.

(Shawn Stephens)



Sometimes it's really hard to admit
you were wrong and the other guy was
right. Especially those times when
he has his hands around your throat.

(Jerry L. Embry)



It's funny how our tastes change as we grow up.
I hated tomatoes as a kid but can't get enough
of them now. And the same goes for spankings!

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



If I were a zombie, I'd like to think I
could do better than settle for the brains
of people who get trapped inside shopping malls.

(The Covert Comic)



There are times when you're compelled to put
the needs of others ahead of your own, when self-
sacrifice is called for, and when the greater
good demands that you concede your own wants
and desires. Then there are times where you
have the unique opportunity to see just how
much a steakhouse restroom full of prom dates
will pay for a roll of Charmin and breath mints.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Soccer is a lot like life: Everyone is always
trying to score, but unless you're a Latin man
in really good shape, it seldom goes in.

(Derek Cockram)



Any man who has to be taught how to fish
probably has a limited life expectancy anyway.

(The Covert Comic)



Those people who run Graceland wouldn't know
a great marketing idea if it bit them in the
ass. But I'll have the last laugh when I get
rich selling the "Love Me Tender" dildo.

(Jim Woodruff)



Dark side, schmark side -- beware
the *polka-dot* side of the Force.

(The Covert Comic)



Someone quoted me incorrectly on Twitter
again. I *HATE* it when I get mistweeted.

(Lee Entrekin)



Is it just me, or is each "next big
thing" getting less and less big
and nexty, and a lot more thingy?

(The Covert Comic)



I'm a dyslexic geneticist. My research
suggests that I inherited it from my child.

(Larry Baum)



I don't care how many times you crank it
through one of those little plastic sausage
grinders, that crap *still* tastes like Play-Doh.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I wonder if the Secret Service allows
President Obama to have unprotected sex.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Scientists tell us if you put an infinite number
of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters and
give them enough time, they'll eventually produce
the complete works of Shakespeare. What they forgot
to mention is that in the meantime, the chimps will
be banging out a steady stream of seriously bad
crap like "CSI: Miami" and "Keeper Martin's Tale."

(Jim Evarts)



If you think a college education
is expensive, try buying drugs
in the hallway after class. 

(The Covert Comic)



The plastic cap protector thingy on the bottle
of chocolate milk I got with my lunch said
"PULL TAB AND TEAR AROUND" -- so I did.
Now I'm out of breath, I have chocolate milk stains
on my clothes and I'm banned from the food court.

(Sandra Hull)



You know the contortionist's show is going to
be lame when he announces that his first trick
will involve putting his foot in his mouth.

(Mark D. Sabien)



What turns me on the most about my wife's
body is when her body doesn't spend money.

(The Covert Comic)



So Social Security will be broke in seven
years. First Bernie Madoff, now this. It's
like Ponzi schemes don't even work anymore.

(Bill Muse)



Just my luck: Life gave me guavas.
Not much of a market for THAT sweetened
beverage, is there, Mr. Optimism?

(Tristan Fabriani)



Recently, I was the victim of
identify theft. As if I actually care!
I was barely using the damn thing anyway.

(Jim Woodruff)



Even as a kid, I always found it strange
that the counselors always performed
7 a.m. bed checks at Camp Morning Wood.

(Jim Woodruff)



"Bartender!" I growled, "What does a guy
have to do to get served around here?!?"
Two hours' worth of washing dishes later,
he *GAVE* me a frosty cold mug of beer.
Ha! And my wife says I'm a pushover!

(Tim H. Richweis)



If I remember the saying correctly,
it goes something like "Success is
10% inspiration and 90% constipation."
Evidently, in order to be truly successful,
one must be almost totally full of crap.

(Jim Woodruff)



Piglet's to the left of me, Tigger's to the right!
Here I am, stuck in the middle with Pooh.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It's sad to see how the precipitous decline in
the newspaper industry is impacting journalists.
Well, except for those who annoyingly use the term
"game-changing" all the time, 'cause it's fun to
watch them have to choke down that irony sandwich.

(Mark D. Sabien)



According to MSN, the best protection against
swine flu virus is to avoid public gatherings,
stay at least six feet away from other people,
and wear a surgical mask at all times. Ha!
I knew these precautions would pay off eventually!

(The Covert Comic)



If the only thing we have to fear is Fear
itself, then I think I should sit down with
Fear, crack open a couple of beers and watch a
few hilarious episodes of "American Home Videos."
Then, right when Fear least expects it...
WHAMWHAMWHAM!
I pound him relentlessly in Nadsville.
I'd like to see Fear try to come off
as intimidating while covering his
junk, at least when I strut by.

(Mark D. Sabien)



At first they called it "Swine flu," but then
certain religious groups complained so they
renamed it "Mexican flu," but that was deemed
offensive to Mexicans, so now it's called "H1N1."
I guess it's only a matter of time before "Star Wars"
nerds rise up and defend the honor of service 'droids.

(Paul B.)



I realize that alcohol can destroy your
brain cells. But, if we only use ten
percent of our brain anyway, I don't think
the other 90% will know the difference.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Sometimes, when my fellow mathletes and
I feel threatened, we'll quietly recite pi
for as many digits as we can. And sure enough,
despite the saying that there's safety in
numbers, we usually get our asses kicked.

(Wiley)



Regarding that thing about if
I die while waging jihad, I'll get
72 virgins, do they mean 72 *more*?

(The Covert Comic)



The secret to a successful, fulfilling marriage
can be summed up in three words: Honesty, Respect,
and Dudecallmeonmycellphoneandsayyoujustgotpinned-
underyourcarandthatIhavetocomeoverandhelpyougetout-
whichmighttakeafewhourssoIcan'tbereachedbutImayneed-
hertocomebailmeoutofjaillaterandbythewayshemight-
alsoneedtobringwithheracleanpairofmyunderpants.

(Mark D. Sabien)



In 1612, two of the greatest samurai masters who
ever lived met in a duel that only lasted six
seconds. My wife, however, says she doesn't care
and that we still need to work on our sex life.

(Michael Cunningham)



They say that whenever a bell rings, an angel
gets its wings. I gather, however, this
irate Motel 6 clerk is not a religious sort.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Screw Folgers -- the best part of waking
up is knowing you survived another night.

(Donna Ayers)



When I first started playing World of Warcraft,
I had dreams of becoming a ruthless Obsidian
Warrior, slitting the throats of anyone who dared
cross my path, using my Runeblade Sword which
was hewn from the Scarlet Flames of Edelwand by
T'grayne the Unholy Blacksmith. So imagine my
chagrin when, after playing for six months,
I'm still just Mikey the Elephant Dung Seller.

(Mike Ranston)



My mother didn't raise me to run
away at the first sign of difficulty.
She dumped me off with her parents
when I was born and skipped town.

(The Covert Comic)



In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man
is king. He's also postmaster and probably
traffic cop, too. All the jobs for sports
referees are probably filled, though.

(Lemel Hebert-Williams)



Those commercials for Botox are misleading.
They say "Botox is freedom of expression,"
but the fact is it's freedom FROM expression.

(Donna Ayers)



I think people are sick to pay $9.00 to
see somebody get cut up with a chainsaw.
For that kind of money, they could go to
the theater and catch a pretty good movie.

(Jerry L. Embry)



According to the dictionary, to *irk* is
to make weary, irritated, or bored. Well,
that pretty much covers my entire existence.
I'm basically irked all the time.

(The Covert Comic)



When I got my colostomy bag, the doctor
told me in the recovery room that all went
well and asked if I had any questions. 
I said, "Where can I get shoes to match?"

(BigDogDano)



Guys, the next time you're out at a bar, try
this trick: Drop two fake eyeballs in a beer
glass and hand it to the lady of your choice.
When she asks what it is, tell her, "That's the
DUI charge you could save by going home with me."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Communication is the cornerstone
of any good relationship, regardless
of what my dumbass wife says.

(Mike Culp)



I have to laugh when I hear people say if you
gave a million monkeys a million typewriters, one
would eventually write Shakespeare. Yeah, *right*
-- like he'd even have Shakespeare's address!

(Mark D. Sabien)



You know the kind of people who make sarcastic
comments like "I'll bet *you're* fun at parties"?
I'll bet *those* people are fun at parties.

(The Covert Comic)



I called in my vote on Catherine the Great,
but they kept Nicholas II instead. That's the
last time I watch "Dancing With the Tsars."

(Paul B.)



A very nice job, Satan. I spend nearly forty
piasters on new asphalt and landscaping, and
right away you go and ruin Alex Rodriguez's
ill-fated and steroid-enhanced celebrity jock
life by turning him into a giant tapeworm!

(Brad Simoniz)



I've heard it said that God watches over
drunks and children, which is why I spike
the kids' drinks before I put them to bed.
Just playing it safe, you know?

(Wiley)



My co-joined uncles had a saying:
"Where there's a Will, there's a Wayne."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I, too, am sure all that glitters
is gold, but I'd be much more
inclined to buy a stairway to the
VIP Lounge at the Pussykat Klub.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I speak to my employees, I don't try to
scare them with the old "It's my way or the
highway" nonsense. My way *is* the highway.

(Kim Moser)



The police have finally made an arrest
in that "3 AM Slasher" case. Good thing,
too; last night I got a decent night's
sleep for the first time since I slashed
victim #1's throat two years ago.

(Jerry L. Embry)



My new kitten clawed my face while playing again,
and people at work ask why I don't get rid of him.
I told them that while I may get scarred by his
momentary outbursts, the hours and hours he spends
curled up on my lap and purring leave no marks
at all. I'm sure there is a lesson to apply to
our other relationships in there somewhere,
but the truth is that furball *is* making
me look like a damned circus freak.

(Carl Knorr)



Instead of always trying to get the milk for
free, I finally bought the cow. Now, a few
years later it's getting tougher to get milk
from my cow, so I figured I would just rent
a cow for an hour or two, and my cow wouldn't
be any wiser. Unfortunately, the arresting
officer doesn't seem to be getting the analogy.

(Wiley)



When all is said and done, at least we
won't have to hear this cliche anymore.

(The Covert Comic)



With my bank account empty and the promise
of beautiful girls, motorcycles, leather
jackets and a rent-free garage apartment
unfulfilled, I finally had to accept the fact
that I had been duped by a Fonzi scheme.

(Matt Maynard)



I went to this party once, and it turned out
to be a bunch of S&M freaks. Oh, cruel fete!

(Doug Frank)



I decided it was time to lose weight
when I realized that none of my towels fit.

(Brad Hamer)



Curiosity killed my cat. But I
think "1984 Ford Escort" should at
least be considered an accomplice.

(Anthony Myers)



There is nothing worse than the headachization
from people who verbize nouns instead of
dictionarying the right word. That's weird;
I suddenly need to aspirinate myself.

(Phil Garding)



After weeks of testing, I was beginning to
doubt the widely accepted "more then one way
to skin a cat" theory. That's when I realized
it probably referred to more then one cat.

(Sayceman)



I like to think of snow as God sprinkling
on some baby powder. Or maybe Satan finding
a way to keep our kids home from school.

(Jilly G.)



Although it was extremely embarrassing when
it happened and was seen all over the country
on the evening news, I still get a thrill
every time some stranger recognizes me and
asks me to sign their box of Preparation H.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I wonder if cannibal children,
when making a cold meat sandwich,
fight over who gets the heel.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I lost my job, and then lost my house, and
then my wife left me. So, here I am in the
park, drinking cheap wine early in the morning.
This must be what the economists mean
by the bad economy's Ripple Effect.

(Wiley)



If actors are going to use their Academy
Award acceptance speeches as soapboxes
from which they can plead the case of their
latest pet political causes, perhaps they
could also throw in a word or two for us
poor, suffering souls who end up watching
all four hours of sheer Oscar tedium.

(Mike Ranston)



Day after day, the same guy keeps taking my
favorite parking space at work, so I keep
keying the sides of his car. And each morning,
he shows up again with it painted a new color
and with a different license plate, just
to confuse me. Ha! Try again, Einstein!

(Donald Junter)



As part of my new exercise routine, I tried
one of those conditioning drinks. It wasn't
as refreshing as I expected. Plus, I don't get
why the store keeps it in the shampoo aisle.

(David Kass)



So once again, my girlfriend finds a reason
to complain about my Valentine's Day gift.
Hey, she's the one who said she'd love to get
a heart with chocolates inside. And the one
I gave her was so fresh, it was still beating.

(Mike Ranston)



I've got a great new idea for
a talent-contest/reality TV
show. It's going to be called
"America's Got Nothing Better To Do!"

(Lee Entrekin)



My wife informed me I might get lucky
if I purchased something sexy for her
to wear to bed Valentine's Day evening.
Thank *you*, makers of the Snuggie(TM)!

(Mark D. Sabien)



Definition of a recession:
You got socks for Christmas.
Definition of a depression:
You *ate* socks for Christmas.

(BigDogDano)



A pre-med student told me, "I've often wished
I could give a great big thank-you kiss to
those people who donate their bodies for medical
research." I said, "Well what's stopping you?"

(The Covert Comic)



Whatever gave this Bernie Madoff guy the
idea he could pay off early investors with
later investor money? Who does he think
he is, the Social Security Administration?

(BigDogDano)



You just know that journey of a thousand
miles is going to feel even longer when
that first step lands smack in a fresh,
still-steaming pile of dog doo.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It's no use being a dead horse.

(The Covert Comic)



Life is a series of lessons.
For instance, when asked at an interview
what my greatest weakness is, I will
never again bring up strippers in leather.

(Wayne Lloyd)



Word to the wise: Don't be so hasty when
clicking past those boring cable channels.
It turns out that what I thought was
C-Span all these years is actually C-Spank.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I sometimes like to make up new words to songs.
Like instead of "Livin' la vida loca," I sing,
"Someone needs to punch Ricky Martin in the
mouth and tell him to shut the hell up."

(Jill Gallagher)



I don't wanna work! I just wanna
bang on the drum all day! But I have
a job at the Ludwig testing plant!
Can you say, "I-RO-NEEEEEEEE!!!"?

(Mark D. Sabien)



Sometimes, I think I love my dog more than
I love my husband. Then again, he slobbers
all the time, he's always hungry, and he won't
stop humping my leg even if I swat him with
a newspaper. The dog doesn't do that stuff.

(Rita Sullivan)



The people who make marshmallow rabbits for
Easter should make a marshmallow Cupid for
Valentine's Day, a marshmallow turkey for
Thanksgiving and a marshmallow Christmas Tree.
But they should probably just concede Groundhog Day.

(Dwight Burke)



It takes less time to do a thing right
than to explain why you did it wrong. 
The good news: you're being paid by the hour.

(The Covert Comic)



Dear Mr. Barrack H. Obama, President of the USA:
Congratulations on your inauguration Tuesday.
I must say I am really impressed with how fast
you are acting on things to turn this country
around, like how you combined your new national
health care plan with homeland security to save
money. GENIUS! It was so nice to know I was in
good hands with the TSA this week as they screened
my baggage. Better still was learning that
I don't have prostrate concerns. Nice work!

(BigDogDano)



Having a great talent for hand-shadows
is a mixed blessing. All my friends and
acquaintances know this and, because
of their own lack of talent, have
stopped inviting me to their parties.

(Jerry L. Embry)



That Wile E. Coyote spent so much time and money
trying to catch and eat the Roadrunner, it makes
you wonder why he didn't just say "Screw it!" and
mail-order a jumbo basket of Hickory Farms stuff.

(Doug Frank)



She said, "If you love someone, set her free."
So I did, but the ungrateful bitch called the
cops and now I'm doing 15 years in Cell Block D.
Will THEY set me free? NO! Does anyone
besides me see the irony of this situation?

(D. Callahan)



Never use a florist that's a front for the mafia.
You fail to enunciate each word perfectly and
the next thing you know, you're explaining to
your girlfriend why you sent her a dozen noses.

(Mike Ranston)



Woo-hoo! Good news from my shrink:
I don't have an inferiority complex after
all. He says I'm "justifiably humble!"

(Lee Entrekin)



If the world really is going to end in 2012 like
Nostradamus and the Mayans both predicted, then
those extended warranties really ARE worthless.

(Doug Frank)



I make a lot less money than those pro athletes
do, but I'll bet if I told my boss, "Hey!
I'm just not feelin' it today, man!",
I'd get traded to Wal-Mart or Burger King.

(Doug Frank)



Thank God the Ruminations list is BACK!
I was getting so bored that I was actually
contemplating working while at work.

(Wiley)



I had a foolproof plan to rig the Junior Olympics.
And I'd have gotten away with it, too,
if it weren't for those medalling kids!

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm surprised more people don't appreciate
this obvious dieting tip: If you want
to loose a significant amount of weight,
it's important to start out really fat.

(Joseph Moore)



I avoided every single bottom-dwelling,
garbage-eating fish I came across, and still
gained 10 pounds. Screw this low-carp diet.

(Khaos)



I'm terrible when it comes to picking fights.
I always end up choosing the one
where it's *my* ass that gets kicked.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Every time I eat a certain desert, I start hurting
all over in my joints. I feel so tired and have
no energy to do anything. I might be the first
person to ever develop Key Lyme Disease.

(Bad Macaw)



I got fired from my gig as an elevator
doorman because I was pissed off all the
time. I guess that's because the idiots in
my building know how to push my buttons.

(Wayne Lloyd)



If the way to a man's heart is though
his stomach, what's with the horrified
looks from the other surgical residents?

(Mark D. Sabien)



I sure hope I look as good as
Keith Richards does when I've
been dead as long as he has.

(David Means)



I shot the sheriff *and* the deputy.
Now there's nothing to stop Aunt Bea
and I from being together!

(Mark D. Sabien)






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Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.