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Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010


What is it with hairdressers and
CIA mind-control conspiracy theories?
Every beauty shop I walk past, they're
putting tinfoil in their customers' hair.

(Jan L)



Santa came *this* close to getting my Christmas wish
exactly right! There I was at the Playboy Mansion,
hangin' at the grotto with a bunch of naked primates.

(Wayne Lloyd)



Everyone seemed to enjoy their annual
Christmas letters from me this year.
I didn't receive nearly as many angry reactions
as I did from last year's "F" and "U."

(Mark D. Sabien)



All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
Or a time machine that will take me back to
before all those tequila shots made me attempt
to introduce myself to that stripper and
subsequently fall face-first into the pole.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Women say they want a man who is educated
and has a sense of humor, but neither is true.
My wife was several months pregnant with our
first child and we were making careful love
when I shouted, "From hell's heart I stab at
thee, ye damned whale!" Not only did she not
appreciate the Melville reference or the humor
based on juxtaposition of unlike situations,
she now refuses to talk about any subjects
other than alimony and visitation restrictions.

(Michael Cunningham)



The way to a zombie's heart is through
his stomach, by way of your skull.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I hate clowns. I hate their moronic antics.
I hate the stupid music that accompanies their
acts. I hate they way they gyrate their oiled-up
bodies in front of me. I hate-- um, wait a second...
it's male strippers I hate. I *love* clowns.

(Kim Stewart)



That Mensa Boot Camp was really tough. I mean,
no one likes to wake before dawn with some
geeky drill instructor screaming "Awright, you
phytophagous Deliae Ineptifrons, levitate and radiate!"

(Lee Entrekin)



I think Stephen Stills perfectly summed up my
take on mahogany: "If you can't be with the wood
you love, honey, carve the one you're with."

(Mark D. Sabien)



The fact of the matter is that after Monday
and Tuesday, even the *calendar* says W T F!

(John Schmidt)



I should probably have specified "movie-watching room"
rather than "theater room" when talking to the home
builder, because now were stuck in the middle of a
six-month revival engagement of "Starlight Express."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Happiness is a tired cellmate.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Agents in airports keep asking if I have anything
on my person that can be used as a weapon.
What's that about? Have they ALL run out of ammo?

(Jan L.)



Doing two things half-assed is the approximate
equivalent of doing one thing ass-whole.

(The Covert Comic)



Is it a bad sign that I'm wrapping
Christmas gifts and the only colored ribbon
around the house is crime scene tape?

(Jan L.)



As an animal lover, I think dog fighting is evil
and cruel. I do have to admit, however, that Dog
Professional Wrestling has a lot of potential.

(Anthony Myers)



Unfortunately, my desire to avoid getting H1N1 flu,
seems to be outweighed by my instinct to stuff
my mouth with a fistful of reception-desk M&Ms.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Actually, I would think crawling
around looking for someone's eye would
be a pretty fun game in its own right.

(The Covert Comic)



The Center for Disease Control recommends singing
"Happy Birthday" twice as a timer while washing
your hands. So there I was at my favorite restaurant,
washing and singing, when the entire wait staff
crowded into the ladies' room and sang along with me.
Now I have head lice from the communal birthday hat
they plopped on my head and an eye infection from
all the wet, soapy hand-clapping. Thanks a LOT, CDC.

(Sandra Hull)



The worst part about that post-Thanksgiving dinner
nap isn't waking up in some border town with no shoes,
money or identification, but sensing things might have
been different if only *you* had won the wishbone pull.

(Mark D. Sabien)



In kindergarten, we spent weeks learning the
alphabet. I wasn't very good at it, so I got an
F when they tested us. At least they *told* me
it was an F -- I had no way of knowing for sure.

(Anthony Myers)



I don't like to name-drop or brag, but I've
been told by some of the biggest names in show
business that I've been part of a great audience.

(Anthony Myers)



I put a dollar in the bell ringer's bucket, but
instead of saying "thanks" she spit on me! That's
the last time I donate to the Salivation Army!

(Mark D. Sabien)



I love nothing more than getting up Saturday
mornings and just lounging around the house in
my boxers. And if you'd have carefully read the
fine print, Mr. and Mrs. Prissy, you'd see it says
exactly that on our bed-and-breakfast brochure.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm a little tea pot, short and
stout. Consequently, my brother
the beer keg gets all the chicks.

(Mike Ranston)



The big problem I have with Monday
mornings is they tend to ruin what
had been a heretofore promising week.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I haven't felt the caress of a human hand in ages
-- not since the toilet paper broke this morning.

Bryan Cox




Not only is child pornography immoral,
hurtful and wrong, I'll bet the kids
can't even hold the camera steady.

(The Covert Comic)



Forget yoga. You can never experience the
human body's full range of contortion until
you've walked face-first into a spider web.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I was just reminded that today is Veterans' Day.
Great, now what the hell am I supposed to do with the
PediPaws and bag of treats I bought for Rex's doctor?

(Mark D. Sabien)



I did a report on Chewbacca for my "Science
Fiction in Literature" Class, but my teacher
gave me an F on the grounds that my facts were
all wrong and sounded made up. That's what
I get for doing my research on Wookieepedia.

(Paul B.)



My curiosity was finally satisfied -- nay,
cruelly bludgeoned to death -- after I
sampled apple nog, saltine nog and trout nog.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Last night my wife confided to me that she
fantasizes about having sex in front of strangers.
I said, "Have I got great news for you!"

(The Covert Comic)



My wife said I was like a wild animal last
night. But in all honesty, it's probably
less about my sexual prowess and more about
how I tend to relieve myself wherever I want.

(Ken Foster)



The strongest case for arguing that women are
stronger than men comes down to one statistic:
There are fewer former nuns than there are
former priests. Actually, I don't know if that's
true or not, so maybe it's just that women
don't have to make sh*t up to win an argument.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I heard that the world is going to end
in 2012, because that's only as far as
the Mayan calendar goes. But the news
gets even worse: I checked MY calendar,
and it only goes to the end of this year!

(Wiley)



I think instead of berating me as "obsessively
anal-retentive," my wife should instead be
*grateful* to have a husband who would re-make
the bed for her while she got up to use
the bathroom in the middle of the night.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The best thing about Twitter's 140-character limit
is that it sometimes keeps profanity-prone me from
inadvertently inserting any unnecessary motherfu

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I'm correctly interpreting the TV commercials
I've been seeing, they say that if I switch my car
insurance to the little lizard, then switch over
to the perky, goofy brunette, then switch to the
black guy with the authoritative voice with whom
I'm in good hands, I'll save so much money that
I'll get a check in the mail every month for $427.

(Bernie Spencer)



As a child, while other boys were playing
with GI Joe action figures, I played with
what appeared to be a GI Joe action figure,
but in reality was a CIA Case Officer action
figure operating under military cover.

(The Covert Comic)



Okay, I've got the deuterium and the tritium.
Shall I fuse them to create Cold Fusion which would
solve mankind's energy needs, or shall I just blow
up the entire planet? In future ethics classes, this
is probably going to be known as "Maurizio's Dilemma."
If there ARE future ethics classes, of course.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



I signed up today to compete for the next crown
of "The Biggest Loser." And, hey, I learned I
might even lose some weight while I'm at it!

(Mark D. Sabien)



If the ladies really like a man in uniform,
they'll be swooning when they see me in my
snappy regulation orange prison jumpsuit.

(Kim Moser)



The good news: I finally broke through
the Glass Ceiling! The bad news:
Several women and minorities standing
below me were seriously injured.

(The Covert Comic)



My wife likes to spoon right after
I pork her. We call it sporking.

(Wiley)



I didn't think it was appropriate to order
"Better Than Sex" cake for my 2-year-old, so
we had them bring him a piece of "Better Than
Playing With Dinosaurs and Matchbox Cars" cake.

(Mark D. Sabien)



At CIA Headquarters they used to have 
an original M.C. Escher staircase
drawing hanging in one of the hallways,
but they had to take it down because
people thought it was a floor map.

(The Covert Comic)



Now that Dave Thomas' "Wendy" is turning
40 years old, do those red braids make her a
MILF, or do they still make me a pedophile?

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



Tomorrow morning at sunrise
I'll be hung. Or is it hanged?
Great, now I'll be up all night.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Sure, they tell you that inside every
fat person is a thin person trying
to get out. What they don't tell
you is that every time he *does* get
out, the fat person eats him again.

(Mike Ranston)



If I were a cannibal, I would never eat a
club sandwich that would have me as a member.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Sometimes I feel like a CIA covert operations
officer trapped in a State Department diplomat's body. 
Like right now, when I can't get this zipper open.

(The Covert Comic)



Aw, crap! I screwed up and donated
a kidney to the car foundation.

(Kendall Selk)



The worst part about getting divorced at the
outset of the Obama administration is that I
pine for nostalgic stories of my own "Bush era."

(Trenton Frulegh)



Every day I see a school bus parked at my
local bar. Seriously. That's so messed up!
It's a damn school bus! Do you know how
many parking spaces that bastard takes up?

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



In order to teach the world to sing in
perfect harmony, it will be necessary to
convert certain people to sopranos.

(The Covert Comic)



What kind of ungrateful two-year-old doesn't
find the time to set up a Facebook account and
send his dad some virtual birthday stripper flair?

(Mark D. Sabien)



I met a woman last night who said she would
take me to heaven for $50. Damn these religious
fanatics and their annoying fund-raising scams!

(Lee Entrekin)



There's no time like the present -- unless,
I suppose, you're unwrapping a clock.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I never know what kind of creep I'm going
to get on a blind date, so I always meet
them at the gun range for target practice.
It rarely ends in a second date, but at least
I can scratch them off my list of future stalkers.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



I knew my date and I were not compatible after
our first glass of Bordeaux. He said it was
"before its prime, mellow, yet amusing with
a hint of cardamom and just-ripened cantaloupe."
I, however, wanted to shove the bottle up his ass.

(Jill Gallagher)



Hey, the Jumbotron simply said "make some
noise" -- it did *not* specify that said
noise need be a family-friendly one.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Okay, let's be reasonable: If your date
won't spend the evening sewing a Star Trek
tunic for your cat, what the hell good is she?

(James Knowles)



My dog killed yet another squirrel today.
It's really depressing when your pet's goals
in life are far more ambitious than your own.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



If I ever participate in a Civil War reenactment, I want
to be the guy who sits on the crapper, dying of dysentery.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Nothing makes a sports-loving dad prouder
than hearing his son say he wants to grow
up to "hit that ball" -- until you discover
he's been non-stop watching "Cinderella."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Sometimes at work I hold a pen like it's
a gun, aim it carefully, then pretend to
shoot it at all the people in the office
who think I'm weird. But I usually just
end up drawing all over my face -- which
makes people in the office think I'm weird.

(Scott Griffin)



I checked the status of the La-Z-Boy recliner
I ordered online, and it read, "In process.
Kinda thinking about playing some 'Warcraft'
for awhile, then maybe take a little nap.
Can you reach that bag of Cheetos, brah?"

(Mark D. Sabien)



Notice to all those who thought I have
no life: Yesterday, I sent three tweets
to Facebook, videotaped myself doing that,
uploaded the clip to YouTube, then boasted
about it in Second Life. Beat that, losers.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



Fool me zero times, shame on nobody.
Fool me -(n) times, where
nA = {x e *I* | 0 < x = 1}, -(shame) on you.

(The Covert Comic)



You know you've had too much tequila
when the dust bunnies under the video
jukebox tell you to JUST STAY DOWN.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My wife really seems to like those bedroom
role-playing games. Unfortunately the only one
we ever play is "The Ice Queen and the Beggar."

(Donald Johnson)



So I forgot to tell the guy to first bait
his hook. I don't think I should be held
responsible for him starving to death.

(Jerry L. Embry)



If you ever cough up a lung, don't
try to suck it back in. I did, and
it just ended up in my other lung.

(Chris Irby)



So in Asia, I suppose people
who have absolutely no taste in
music listen to Country-Eastern.

(Ron Arol)



I bet it would be a good life being a fly.
Buzzing around merrily, throwing your cares
to the wind, happy as can be. Until mealtime.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Ladies: You kinda lose the whole "cougar"
aura when you start pairing the words
"erotic massage lotion" with "bunions."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I cried because I had no shoes, until my
stepfather started calling me "Princess"
and flicking lit cigarettes at my head.

(Chris Irby)



What a strange time we live in. After my
underage daughter told me she had sex on the
beach three times last night, I was actually
relieved to learn she only got wasted.

(Jim Woodruff)



You know you're a loser when the hot
chick you've been hitting on at the
bar tells you she's bisexual and that
you don't appeal to her *either* way.

(Jerry L. Embry)



Ever notice that there are some sentences
that no one lets you finish? For example:
"I was using your toddler as bait, and..."

(Jeffrey Ehrhart)



There was a time I was a breast and leg man,
but then I became an ass man as I got older,
which seemed to coincide with quitting KFC
for that job in the hot dog processing plant.

(Mark D. Sabien)



As Melvin the Magnificent started telling stories of his
alien abduction and subsequent alien-baby pregnancy to
the 8-year-olds at Charlie's birthday party, Charlie's
dad began to suspect that "Master of Delusion" on the
business card wasn't a typographical error after all.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



When my boss said, "There's no 'i' in 'team'"
for the thousandth time, I blurted out, "There's
no 'i' in 'butthole' either, or for that matter,
in 'Kiss my ass!" It was at that point that I
realized my error. That damn "i" is everywhere!

(Mark Beeghly)



When it comes to casting stones,
he who is without sin will tend to
have minimal hand-eye coordination. 

(The Covert Comic)



There's no lonelier sound than the
cold echo of a bare spinning cardboard
roll in a public restroom stall.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Some say the cup is half full.
Some say the cup is half empty.
My coach says to put the damn cup back
in my jock strap and get on the field.

(James Knowles)



My wife and I were worried when my son spoke
glowingly of all the attention he received from
his fellow second graders for his ability to
snort an earthworm and produce it on his tongue
-- she for hygienic reasons, me because I feared
his comedic career may have peaked too soon.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Sure, I have an inflated sense of self worth.
Most us do. But I think the line has to be
drawn at "The ketchup experts at Heinz..."

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



Some change their party for the sake of
lofty principles. This weekend, I changed
my principles for the sake of a loft party.

(The Covert Comic)



Good fences make good neighbors.
Bad fences borrow your lawnmower for
going on five weeks now, then wolf-
whistle every time your teenage daughter
has her friends over to use the pool.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The candle I bought was supposed
to be unscented, but to me it
totally smells like burning wax.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



If all the world's a stage, the USA is
the shiny vertical pole in the middle.

(The Covert Comic)



Sure, I like a woman in a bikini as much as the
next guy. More, probably, since that guy's all
hairy and really doesn't have the figure for one.

(Brad Hamer)



I think mimes get a bad rap. I mean,
so what if a dude in clown make-up acts
like he's trapped in a box or leaning
against an invisible wall? He still brings
the funny like a pro when he crumples after
taking a thrown football to the crotch.

(Mark D. Sabien)



There can be only one "i" in "megalomaniac."

(The Covert Comic)



After being married for many years, I've
noticed that parts of my wife's anatomy
are no longer as high as they used to be.
But I have early arthritis and can't lift
my arms very high anyway. I guess nature
has a way of working these things out.

(Donald Johnson)



There are normal days, and then there
those that begin with your wife greeting
your half-open eyes with a warm smile,
leaning in and whispering those three
words: "Don't. Go. Downstairs."

(Mark D. Sabien)



If the Eskimos have more than 10 words
for snow, they must also have at least
one word for "F*%^ off" for every tourist
they meet who asks them about that.

(Danny Gallagher)



They say the French have a word for everything.
Well, so do the Germans, except theirs
is usually eight syllables long and
sounds like they're coughing up a lung.

(Ian Dauphinee)



"Bad." "Dangerous." "Smooth Criminal."
"The Way You Make Me Feel."
"Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
Well, you can't say Michael Jackson didn't try
to warn us about this prescription drug issue.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The problem with being an incredibly beautiful
and sexually unattainable woman is the feelings
of jealousy it inspires in others. At least I'll
bet that's what my moronic coworker thinks every
morning when I "accidentally" spill coffee on her.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



What is it about seeing a family of really
nice people leaving to go on an outing to
the beach to eat burgers and hot dogs and
have lots of family fun together that makes
you want to break into their house an hour
later and steal their new home theater system?

(Jerry L. Embry)



By the time I got to Phoenix, she was
rising. By the time I got to Tucson,
she was fully inflated, so I pulled
into a Motel 6 and had my way with her.

(Mike Ranston)



My husband and I are working on breeding
a new race of really average human beings.
The first one is only a prototype,
though, because he's way too smart.

(Kimberly Ciesiolka)



Try as one might, I don't suspect
there's a positive way to spin
earning the nickname "Thunderpants."

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I had a forgetful moment, a friend told
me, "The memory's the second thing to go!"
I guess that's a good thing, because I can't
remember what the first thing to go was.

(Chuck Bonner)



They say character is what you have after
you've lost everything else. I say: If you've
lost everything else, how much character
could you have had in the first place?

(The Covert Comic)



It's really a shame that "Leave it to Beaver"
got cancelled before we had the chance to see
Beaver grow up and kick Eddie Haskel's ass.

(Chuck Sawyer)



In honor of Independence Day, I went into the
office to declare myself free of the shackles
of workplace tyranny! Of course, being a
holiday, no one else was there to hear me.
But what the hell, since I was already there,
I got a couple hours' worth of work done.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The great thing about being on antibiotics is
that you don't have to worry about the 5-second
rule anymore. Sure, that bacon hit the floor
2 days ago, but I'm immune to bacteria, baby!

(Scott E. Frank)



I love the funny way Canadians say "oot
and aboot" and "eh?" and "Please leave
before I have to call the police again."

(Jill Gallagher)



When I rubbed the lamp, a genie appeared
and granted me a wish. Unfortunately,
it was a diaper genie. Just my luck.

(Kim Moser)



There are many who believe deaths occur in threes.
Therefore, I make it a practice not to hang
out with two recently deceased people at once.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I don't know if it's because of Farrah or Michael,
but either way, I can't stop grabbing my crotch.

(Bill Muse)



I thought nobody cared until yesterday,
when my cat brought me a half-eaten rodent.
At least somebody gives a rat's ass around here.

(EllioTT Schiff)



Only after my repulsed party guests had
left did I Google it and discover that
it's not even *spelled* "pee-knuckle."

(Mark D. Sabien)



At first, I thought I was having that dream where
you show up unprepared and naked for a test,
and then I thought maybe I was trying to picture
myself and everyone else naked as a way to relax.
Eventually, though, I said what I was supposed
to say, the tequila wore off, and I will probably
never get invited to speak at a graduation again.

(Wiley)



Hockey haiku:
Hockey season ends.
Nothing to watch for three months,
Upsetting both fans.

(Jim Woodruff)



My wife thinks she's giving me a "bonus"
Father's Day gift by letting me off diaper duty
for the day. No, Sweetheart, my reward will
come when I successfully feed the kid chocolate-
covered cabbage and beets the night before.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I was a kid and our dog got to be too hard to
handle, we drove him out to the country and let him
out of the car. I was very sad when we got home, so
my mom cheered me up by telling me some farmer would
surely give the dog a good home. I went back out to
that area just last week, and once again felt that
overwhelming sadness -- but I keep telling myself
that my mom has probably fared as well as the dog did.

(Shawn Stephens)



Hey, how was I supposed to know that my
diehard-Red-Wings-fan co-worker wasn't
*trying* to grow her playoff mustache?

(Mark D. Sabien)






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Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
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