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Ruminations Archives
2002
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2003
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2004
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2005
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2006
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2007
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2008
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2009
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2010
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, lady,
well, shame on Lionel Richie.
(Mark D. Sabien)
To me, the fascinating thing about the
"infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters"
thing is that, like the majority of human
writers, mostly what they'd produce is dung.
(Paul B.)
I'd like to see George Lucas use his sci-fi
revisionism powers for good, like updating
that classic "Star Trek" episode to include a
harmonica-playing Spock accompanying Captain
Kirk on "Nobody Knows the Tribbles I've Seen."
(Mark D. Sabien)
Until my sister clarified that those were
only ultrasound photos, I was convinced
she'd had an affair with a skeleton.
(Mark D. Sabien)
What a waste of time and money. Studying
the 'Tang Dynasty for my Ph.D. isn't nearly
as interesting as I had originally thought.
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
If I was ever about to be eaten by a bear,
I'd smear mayonnaise all over myself. It's
a long shot, but there must be some bears
out there who are watching their figures.
(Travis Ruetenik)
As a high school teacher, I always try to
boost the self-esteem of teenage girls.
For example: I started using an alternate
scoring system based on bra cup size.
(Siva Kumar)
I sure hope that sheep that provided the organ
for my transplant was a Republican, because I'd
hate to be known as a bleating heart liberal.
(Mark D. Sabien)
The librarian at the public library suggested that
I could get more information regarding my ancestry if
I were to talk to a genealogist about it. That's the
dumbest idea I've ever heard. I don't even have a vagina!
(Anthony Myers)
My favorite part of working out in one
of those 24-hour gyms is you can get three,
maybe four, visits in before some nosy insomniac
complains about "That 3 a.m. Naked Treadmill Guy."
(Mark D. Sabien)
The Perfect Woman: She gets a box that
says "de Beers" on it, and is disappointed
to find it only has diamonds in it.
(Travis Ruetenik)
If I were the guy who ran the gallows pole,
I'd always ask my clients "How's it hangin'?"
You know, just to relieve that awkward moment
right before I send them to their deaths.
(Jim Woodruff)
Boy, does my wife hate it when I order
the 2-piece white-meat KFC lunch combo
and call it "breast feeding."
(Mark D. Sabien)
Despite my ultra-stealth demeanor and prodigious
talent with throwing stars, I always get
passed over for missions in favor of these
jerks who have degrees in Ninjaneering.
(Mark D. Sabien)
On the one hand, I'm sad my wife figured out how
to turn her old electric toothbrush into a vibrator.
On the other, I really like hew new minty fresh taste.
(Jim Woodruff)
If I were Superman, I think I'd just fight
for truth, justice and the Canadian way.
That seems easier. All I'd ever have to do
is break up an occasional hockey fight, and
make sure criminals say everything twice.
Once in English, and then again in French.
(Anthony Myers)
Some days you get the bull, others
you get the horn. Just hope you're
not the guy who gets the horny bull.
(Paul B.)
Everyone was pretty stoked when we announced
we were getting the band back together, but
the next task was figuring out who had a
garage big enough for the 74 of us to march in.
(Mark D. Sabien)
That expression, "Is that a banana in your pocket
or are you happy to see me?" seems like a terrible
waste of time. If it's THAT big, who really cares?
(Lori Petterson)
When I'm pondering existentialism,
I always lean my head sideways so I
look like a *gangster* philosopher.
(James Knowles)
You had me until "Hello."
(The Covert Comic)
Lysol says there are lots of germs on my hand
soap pump. But how the hell am I supposed to
remember to wash my hands whenever I touch it?
(Scott E. Frank)
I despise it when those jerk perverts call
and wake you up in the middle of the night,
talk dirty for a few minutes, then hang up.
Slow down, Speedy -- give a girl time to catch up!
(Lori Petterson)
I think the most disappointing aspect of
the whole Tiger Woods mess is that none of
his mistresses had the surname "Mulligan."
(Mark D. Sabien)
No one was quite the grill-master
my father was. People gave him the
information he wanted every time.
(Brian J. Noggle)
One of my co-workers told me this morning
that she felt like shit. Well at least
now her feelings match her cologne.
(Lori Petterson)
Men are not as shallow as we're sometimes
made out to be. If you give a man a choice
between saving the universe and getting laid,
he will inevitably choose saving the universe,
after only a second or two of indecision.
(Michael Cunningham)
After my accident, the doctors told
me I shouldn't be alive. It wasn't
a medical opinion, though -- they were
expressing a deeply held personal belief.
(The Covert Comic)
Of course there's a reason to beat
a dead horse. It shows all the
other horses that you mean business.
(Anthony Myers)
Why don't the voices in my head ever tell me
to do something productive, like put knife
down, release the hostages, and get an MBA?
(Jim Woodruff)
I don't like to toot my own horn, but
there was no avoiding it when the late-shift
crew at the Johannesburg Taco Bell
shoved my vuvuzela up my drunk ass.
(Mark D. Sabien)
My girlfriend and are into leaving notes
for each other to find around the house.
You know, the typical mushy stuff like
"Honey, I love you!" "I can't wait to
see you tonight!" and "Flush the meth --
the cops are outside the front door!"
(Kim Moser)
Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask who knew that we were the first country
to elect a president fluent in Yoda-speak.
(Mark D. Sabien)
International soccer needs some new marketing folks.
I'd have become a World Cup fan a decade or
two earlier if I'd known about the drinking.
(Gus Darling)
If you've never seen a 4-year-old stack a
deck with two double purples and a lollipop,
then you're probably not ready for the
hardcore Candyland we play at my house.
(Travis Ruetenik)
Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous
woman. But that's just because I lost a bet at
sorority party and had to eat a Barbie doll.
(Kim Stewart)
I scream a lot during sex. It really bothers
my husband, though, because I scream things
like, "I really hate this wallpaper!!"
(Lori Petterson)
It's really hard to find good entertainment
for my family of four. How many movies do you
know that have fighting robots, pink unicorns,
tearful confessions and bikini car washes?
(Travis Ruetenik)
My girlfriend gave me a musical condom
that plays a piccolo minuet. I think
she's trying to tell me something.
(James Knowles)
Be careful when you hyperbolically joke
that you've got something "up the wazoo,"
because sometimes those TSA agents
won't stop until they've found it.
(Mark D. Sabien)
Our baby daughter always fights being
laid into bed. Sure, it can be pretty
annoying now, but I hope it takes at
least 18 more years for her to outgrow it.
(S.P.)
Not to blame the victim, but let's be honest:
Most people who get bitten by vampires
were probably going to end up selling their
blood down at the local clinic anyway.
(The Covert Comic)
I tell people that the reason I'm packing
away so much food is that I'm eating for two.
I'm not pregnant or anything, but I do have
this "Buy 1 Entree, Get 1 Free" coupon.
(Wiley)
Do not forget that the sun delights to
touch your face, and the breeze to softly
caress your skin. That way you won't
get totally creeped out if this happens.
(The Covert Comic)
I need to either stop dreaming of being a
train conductor or stop drinking so much.
I passed out at a party last night right
after yelling "All aboard!" and the
ride in my dreams got pretty bumpy.
(Lori Petterson)
"Give me freedom or give me death!" could possibly
result in you getting death, so I invented a safer
version. I approach a group of women and cry, "Give
me freedom or give me sex!" Guaranteed freedom --
albeit with some restrictions in the restraining order.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
Some stupid women pay a small fortune to get
their lips puffed up by cosmetic surgeons.
I've found you can get the same effect
for free just by using a few well-chosen
racial slurs on the subway at rush hour.
(Lori Petterson)
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When life gives you shit, flambe that bad boy
in a paper bag and leave it on life's doorstep.
That'll teach the arrogant asshole.
(Lori Petterson)
How do I know I'm older and wiser?
I used to skip school to watch MTV.
Now I just skip MTV.
(Arthur Dent)
If they take away the right to say "f**k," how
long before they take away the right to say "f##k"?
(The Covert Comic)
My friends say I'm a good catch, but I guess
I need to find guys with more sophisticated
senses of humor. My dates never seem to get
it when I leave the seat up in the bathroom.
C'mon, everyone knows the ol' "Crying Game" gag.
(Maripat Elroy)
There's nothing quite as rewarding as entering
a room and seeing your child's face light up --
because it confirms that you finally got the
wiring and the LED bulb grafts right this time.
(Mark D. Sabien)
Mom taught me I should always have
on clean underwear in case I'm in an
accident. Experience taught me they
should always be MEN'S underwear.
(Travis Ruetenik)
If you ask me, packing your top five favorite
albums for any trip is just begging for trouble.
(David Gunter)
I hate it when I pay for legal advice
that ends up getting me in *more* trouble
than I was in originally. It almost makes
me want to give back the free corndog.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I call it "life-saving Heimlich maneuver,"
but some unappreciative women call it "groping."
And guess who got the insensitive judge that
makes narrow interpretations of the law? Again!
(Maurizio Mariotti)
The thing about writing Ruminations while sitting
on a high-tech toilet is that everyone knows
the exact MMMMMOOOOment the bidet hits you.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I finally found out what I did to make
my wife so angry with me: married her.
(Wiley)
I used to work at a place where people
got all pissy when I told dirty jokes.
Screw them *and* their vow of silence.
(Lori Petterson)
I really enjoy sex on a train. Maybe it's
the rocking motion or the roaring noise
the train makes. Or maybe it's the reaction
on the face of the person in the next seat.
(Lori Petterson)
They say you should never raise your
hand to your children, but how else am I
supposed to request permission to speak?
(The Covert Comic)
I was bitten by a radioactive grandmother
and turned into Doily-Man. My costume is
disgustingly see-through and my superpower
seems to be mega-hyper sexual abstinence.
(James Knowles)
Know what's worse than finding animal
fur all over your car seat? Noticing
that it's blowing in from the air vent.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I'm too young to say "Va-va-va-VOOM!" and
too old to go "SHWING!" I guess I'm one of
that lost generation stuck with "Hubba hubba!"
(Travis Ruetenik)
I told my wife I would understand if she found
another lover after I was gone, because life
goes on, and she is a beautiful, vibrant woman
who should not be alone. However, I meant "gone"
as in "dead," not gone as in "at the office."
(Wiley)
My wife said yesterday that she's worried I'm
becoming a workaholic. Well, this 32-slide
Powerpoint presentation I put together
overnight should convince her otherwise.
(Mark D. Sabien)
When exploring life's labyrinth,
leave no stone unturned. When wandering
marijuana's maze, leave no turn unstoned.
(Larry Baum)
After accidentally bringing the wrong
tool, I thought the mohel would never
get that poor kid circumcised, but
he finally managed to pull it off.
(Jerry L. Embry)
I had always heard that the United States
was less antisemitic than the rest of the
world, but here in California they really
love the Hebrew people. Almost everywhere
I go I see signs that say "Yosemite."
(Julie Nusbaum)
That guy who made the movie "300" got a
lot of flack for the way the enemy army was
portrayed. Oh, c'mon -- it's not like he chose
monstrous-looking actors just to cast aspersians.
(Larry Hollister)
My brother has an allergy to certain
wheat products, but he still tries
to eat them whenever he can. I think
he's just a gluten for punishment.
(Wiley)
Earlier this week, I sent in ten
Rumination submissions, hoping
that some of them would get published.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(Josh Sinnett)
I really enjoy living the single life, but
my altar ego thinks I should get married.
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
Have you ever fallen for a girl so hard
that whenever you're around her, you get
gassy? Well, I'm completely inflatuated!
(Mark D. Sabien)
I was in such a hurry when I left the
beach that I didn't bother changing before
racing home. Wouldn't you know it: I got
pulled over and given a Speedo ticket.
(Phil Garding)
I ride to my job with several co-workers.
Problem is, I always start screaming when
the car passes through the excavation that
allows the road to pass through the mountain.
My psychiatrist says it's the worst case
of Carpool Tunnel Syndrome he's ever seen.
(Paul B.)
I could tell we were in for a long night at work
when our supervisor raised a megaphone to his lips
and yelled, "Gentlemen, start your catheters!"
(Mark D. Sabien)
There I was, dancing to a Latin beat
with none other than Eric Estrada.
That's the last time I order
CHiPs and salsa from THAT place.
(Tim H. Richweis)
I believe you can learn a lot from spending
time around small children -- assuming
you don't already know what a cow says or
what the damn wheels on the damn bus do.
(Anthony Myers)
I think the lottery would be more exciting
if they drew TWO different sets of numbers:
first set, to see who wins the money;
second set, to see who gets executed.
With my luck, I'd have both tickets.
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
I just called the front desk requesting
turn down service, and she said no.
(Mark D. Sabien)
In hindsight, I suppose I should have instead told my
wife that I had a great time this afternoon with a
"foursome which lost a member before teeing off the
first hole." Then maybe I'd have TWO working testicles.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I'm going to take up knitting as a hobby, and my
first project will be a nice warm pair of crotchless
panties. I know what you're thinking: "That's very
sensible, to start off on something simple and easy,
instead of going straight for the big fuzzy sweater."
(S.P.)
In my defense, it's only one little letter.
Nevertheless, the judge wasn't buying my
argument that slaughter is the best medicine.
(Ian Dauphinee)
Rusty won't accept my Facebook friend
request. "Man's best friend," my ass!
(Shawn Stephens)
Everyone in my department got laid off
except me. So now there's *only* I in team.
(The Covert Comic)
I don't want to be an alarmist, but what
the hell else can you do with this crappy
Clock Radio Tech degree from DeVry?
(Mark D. Sabien)
I think if that Justin Bieber kid were
a vampire, he would COMPLETELY own the
11-to-14-year-old-girl demographic.
(Ian Dauphinee)
Not that I'm complaining, but I think the
sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood
when I told her I wanted one nightstand.
(The Covert Comic)
I'd gladly serve Gaia to celebrate Earth Day,
but I'm unsure of what wine to pair with her.
(Brian J. Noggle)
I'd imagine there are a *lot* of things
more fun than a barrel of monkeys, but
maybe I'm just bitter because the one I
ordered online arrived without any air holes.
(Mark D. Sabien)
For the sake of realism, they really should
make a few scenes where Superman arrives at
the bad guys' lair covered in bird guts.
(Anthony Myers)
I overheard two young women talking, and
one looked at me and said, "If I were 50
and still single, I would do that guy."
I guess that makes me bucket-licious.
(Wayne Lloyd)
If you're evil, but you're working hard to change,
I'll bet a major milestone is when people start
referring to it as your house instead of your lair.
(The Covert Comic)
Songwriting tip: "Anywhere" is a
delicate alternative to admitting
the midnight train is going to Akron.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I ve been trying to hire an au pair for about
six months now, but so far I haven't been
able to find one willing to work for me.
They all suspicious and question your motives
when they find out you don't have any children.
(Anthony Myers)
MY fantasy baseball is where when the ball is hit,
it flies waaaaaay up and turns into an enormous
pinata, which explodes and everybody gets candy.
(Travis Ruetenik)
If I lived in a country rife with civil unrest,
I'd always hold the door for my dates, because
you never know when a bomb is on the other side.
Plus, I'd only date really large ladies.
(Michael Cunningham)
They say any publicity is good publicity,
so I guess I shouldn't complain, but I can't
help feeling a little insulted. And confused
-- I had always thought those "Worst Dressed"
lists were limited to famous people.
(Anthony Myers)
I've started forwarding all the email I get from
that Nigerian prince to the pharmaceutical company
that sends me email telling me they can enlarge my
"maleness." I'm thinking the prince might want to
invest some of his $30 million in that sweet deal.
(Steven Lunetta)
What you name a product often plays the most
important role in determining its success.
I learned this the hard way; while those
"Girls Gone Wild" DVDs sell like crazy, my
own "Girls Presenting Symptoms of Severe
Mental Psychosis" DVDs never sold worth a damn.
(Anthony Myers)
My wife thought she could really get me good on
April Fool's Day with her "Whoopee cushion on the
car seat" gag. But I think I trumped her with the ol'
"backing the sedan through the garage door" routine.
(Mark D. Sabien)
Often when I come in to work,
I look around and ask myself,
"Well, what's gonna happen today?"
(Angelina Fursine)
I have an idea for a construction business:
I can build houses out of campfire wood that
I stack personally. Apparently, the finished
houses would be completely and utterly fireproof.
(Rich Haney)
Apparently, all around Area 51 there are signs
warning trespassers that extreme force will be used
against them. I think it would be more befitting
if there were signs saying, "Warning! Trespassers
will be subjected to extensive anal probing."
(Maurizio Mariotti)
Life sucks, then you die.
It's *that* great an orgasm.
(The Covert Comic)
I think I could be a Jedi, but so far, I
can only get the Force to work on grocery-
store doors and hand-towel dispensers.
(John English)
Every time I click on messages from
this one guy, they keep showing up
again and again in my inbox! And
who the heck is Mark Unread anyway?
(Travis Ruetenik)
I'm no physicist, but I'll bet that in
the fourth dimension, "thinking outside
the tesseract" is physically impossible.
(The Covert Comic)
Suddenly there are all these reality TV shows
about people with dozens of kids and how they
manage to go about their days. Shouldn't at least
one of them be called "The Eighteenth Century"?
(Wayne Lloyd)
No one ever threatens to prosecute somebody
to half the extent of the law -- it's always
the full extent. Some department store should
only prosecute shoplifters to 90% of the extent
of the law. It would be good PR: It would show
the community that while they may be tough
on shoplifters, they still have a heart.
(Anthony Myers)
With apologies to the adage-quoting visitors
who keep interrupting my morphine haze, I'm not
sure exactly how getting brained by a concrete
block and tumbling from atop fifteen feet of
scaffolding is supposed to "make me stronger."
(Mark D. Sabien)
Some guys just don't know when to quit.
Personally, I've found that Thursdays work best
for me. That way you can just pick up your last
check on Friday and have a three-day weekend.
(Anthony Myers)
I object to the term X-ray. It's
taking the "Christ" out of "Christ-ray."
(Wade Kwon)
Nothing ends a blind date faster than
when you're walking through the park
and you exclaim, "Ooooh! Stray earbud!"
(Mark D. Sabien)
I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday
and was amused as he paired a giraffe top with an
elephant bottom. The fun stopped later, though, when
I was arrested and charged with Garanimal cruelty.
(Wayne Lloyd)
When I die I hope people will remember me
as a kind person who would always make time
to help those less fortunate than myself.
I figure my best chance for that happening
is if they confuse me with someone
other guy who looked a lot like me.
(Anthony Myers)
They say the truth will set you free.
Just be sure there aren't any cops
within earshot when you try this one out.
(Paul B.)
I'd say the worst part of starting a brand new
relationship is discovering she lives in a place
with a spiral staircase and then having to dump
her. Like hell I'm gonna someday have to
move a queen bed or armoire down that thing.
(Mark D. Sabien)
Attention, working men! The national research project
to determine whether work gloves will fly out of the
open bed of a moving pickup truck has now concluded.
Please resume storing your gloves in the cab of
your truck when driving, and thank you for your
participation in this important and valuable study.
(The Covert Comic)
I'll bet more kids would sign up for the debate
team in high school if they only knew how vital it
would be in kicking total ASS during lunch-hour pop
culture arguments in the Best Buy breakroom someday.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I turned around and the ship was being stormed
by thieves, though all they stole was the ship's
collection of fine wine. Apparently, we we're
the latest to be attacked by sommelier pirates.
(Bryan Cox)
If I ever have a daughter, I won't let her
play with Barbie dolls because I think they
create unrealistic body images for girls.
In the real world, what are the odds
that a young girl will ever grow up to
be only eleven and a half inches tall?
(Anthony Myers)
When God closes a door, he opens a window.
When God farts, he opens two windows,
for the cross-ventilation effect.
(Bob Van Voris)
At this point Pope John Paul II's
beatification looks pretty much assured --
barring allegations of steroid use, of course.
(The Covert Comic)
Please give generously to the
Keep "We Are the World" From Getting
Stuck in Travis' Head Foundation.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I think a cool reality cross-over show would be
"Survivor: Biggest Loser." Sure, you might tire of
the intensified complaining as there would be no
trainers or structured workouts to keep the overweight
contestant occupied, but things would really heat up by
day 10 when they start killing each other for food.
(Mark D. Sabien)
Oh, come on -- I can't possibly be the
only person ever expelled from Farmville
for playing with sheep in *that* way.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
The most tragic part of J.D. Salinger's passing
is that disaffected curmudgeons now no longer
have someone at whom they can point and say,
"Well, at least I'm not *that* much of a dick."
(Mark D. Sabien)
Einstein said, "God doesn't play dice with
the universe." It's true -- he's too smart
and knows the house odds are just too high.
He mostly sticks with Blackjack and Baccarat.
(Anthony Myers)
The first 30 years of my life, I was intense
and results-driven. In my current 30, I am more
circumspect and purpose-driven. I suppose my next
30 will likely find me arthritic and Rascal-driven.
(Carl Knorr)
Women can be so damned picky. How was I
supposed to know the chocolate hearts she
wanted for Valentine's Day were 100% chocolate
and not just chocolate-filled *actual* hearts?
(Gene Gauthier)
Every day I wake up, it gives me comfort to
realize that there's at least one thing upon
which all faiths and creeds around the world
can agree: There are serious and obvious
flaws in all religions except their own.
(Michael Cunningham)
If you're ever invited to a NAMBLA Halloween
party, a good idea for a costume would
be to go as Dateline NBC's Chris Hanson.
(Mark D. Sabien)
We all have regrets from time to time.
I'm sure one day I'll be lying on my deathbed
wishing that I had just spent the extra money
to get some other, better kind of bed.
(Anthony Myers)
When my boss brags about her clothes, she's all
like, "This scarf took 18 months to weave from
solid platinum. Three sherpas lost their lives."
When I brag about my clothes, I'm all like, "These
pants was already in the dollar bucket, but they
gave me half off on account of a goat puked on them."
(Travis Ruetenik)
If you're flying somewhere, don't even think
about sitting next to the pilot. Not only is
that seat reserved for the co-pilot, but yelling
"Shotgun!" in an airport pretty much guarantees
they're not going to let you on the plane.
(Anthony Myers)
Behind every successful man is
a strong woman, except for the man
who invented that talking sex robot.
(Chuck Bonner)
When I was a little kid we had a hamster.
One day the hamster ate its newborn babies.
That was pretty gross, so we decided to just
go ahead and get rid of it. We took it down
the road and left it to fend for itself.
It was a great lesson for a kid to learn,
because I knew what to do 12 years later when
the exact same thing happened with my sister.
(Anthony Myers)
I think it would be cool if they came
out with an "Extreme Wonderbra," where
guys would never know beforehand what was
behind it -- like a wolverine or a pizza.
(Mark D. Sabien)
When I went to leave my house today, there
were so many birds outside that it was
really scary, like an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
I can't think of which one, though.
(Wiley)
It's not a loophole -- it's a policy
flexibility assurance aperture.
(The Covert Comic)
I cried when I had no shoes,
until I met a man with only one
leg at an ass-kicking contest.
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
My wife told me she'd like to be completely
pampered for Valentine's Day, and I'll do my best
to oblige. I only hope she's okay with the fact
that in her size, I could only find Depends.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I wish they'd taught abstinence back when
I was in school. I was so good at not getting
laid back then, I would have screwed up the
grading curve for the rest of the class.
(Anthony Myers)
It's dogs! Iams ProActive
Soylent Health Formula is DOGS!
(Travis Ruetenik)
How does that debt counseling service
think they're going to convince me they're
legit if they won't accept credit cards?
(The Covert Comic)
I decided to freeze my sperm for use by future
generations should male fertility be destroyed
by alien plagues. Unfortunately, neither the cop
nor the 7-Eleven manager thought that was a valid
reason for my 'nads to be in the slushy machine.
(James Knowles)
Prediction for 2010: The states of New York and
New Jersey will merge and be called New Jerk.
(The Covert Comic)
For me, the best part of waking up is
knowing I can afford to go to Starbucks
and not have to drink that Folgers crap.
(Ian Dauphinee)
I'm in a group that does Cold War reenactments.
It's pretty easy -- all you have to do is
sit around and look worried about the USSR.
(Anthony Myers)
What a bargain this invisible fencing is.
It even came with an invisible dog!
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
Contrary to what my mom says, I don't lack
ambition. I've already made plans to be buried
with a shotgun and a box of shells so that
someday I'll be the most badass zombie EVER.
(Anthony Myers)
What I like best about being a dad
is no longer being the initial
suspect when the room smells like poo.
(Mark D. Sabien)
After the ear-piercing shrieking, curse-laden
insults and vicious personal attack, I realized
too late that I had mistakenly ordered a Harpy Meal.
(Wiley)
I have a very mild form of bulimia.
After a big meal, I often sneak off by
myself and intentionally drool a lot.
(Anthony Myers)
I tried making Grandpa's funeral fun by having him
dressed in a clown suit. Nobody appreciated it, though.
Was it his oversized shoes, his flower that squirted
water at the mourners, or my constantly beeping that big,
irresistible red nose that caused such a disturbance?
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
Memo to self: Stop addressing little notes
as "Memo to Self." It's not necessary and
wastes time, as you're in all likelihood
able to recognize your own handwriting.
(Anthony Myers)
© 1998-2009. All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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