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Ruminations Archives
2002
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2003
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2004
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2005
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2006
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2007
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2008
I have a friend who made this dumb joke about
his mouth being his cereal port. It wasn't me,
though -- I'd never say anything that dorky.
(Scott E. Frank)
I've never been very impressed
by motorcycle daredevils.
Those wimps all use ramps.
(John Gephart IV)
Not every man is not a pig. When I realized
I was looking at the largest, most well-tanned
breasts I've seen in years, modesty forced me
to avert my eyes. Well, it was either modesty
or the fact that they were man-boobs, but,
hey, I should still get some credit here.
(Dwight Burke)
ATTENTION: My sincere apologies to
anyone who woke up this morning to a
festering head wound created by a
new class of intelligent super-ants.
It was *meant* to be a joke.
(John Gephart IV)
A woman I met at this country & western bar said
she wanted to take me home and ride me like a cowgirl
on a bucking bronco. She wasn't very good, though; I was
able to throw her off every time in less than 10 seconds.
(Wiley)
I woke up this morning and decided that today
would be the day I search for my birth mother.
When I made it downstairs, there she was,
making my breakfast as usual. And smiley-face
pancakes, no less. When it rains, it pours!
(Brad Simanek)
Oh, come on. If we only had sex with
people we actually respected, most us
would even have to give up masturbating.
(The Covert Comic)
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
But if wishes were squirrels... well, then,
Mr. Wishful, that wouldn't be so helpful, would it?
Who's riding NOW, huh? Stupid beggars.
(Brad Hamer)
Funny how times change. Had I clubbed two
women and set fire to a large, foul, hairy
beast 250,000 years ago, I'd likely have been
chosen leader of my tribe. But just because
I happen to be born at the wrong time, nightclub
security called the cops and next thing you
know, I'm Diablo's cell bitch for a few years.
(Jerry L. Embry)
In days gone by, a man's word was his bond.
Today, fortunately, we have glue.
(Lev L. Spiro)
I'm 60, and when my 9-year-old niece asked
me why I smoked cigarettes, I told her
it makes me look totally awesome in the
eyes of the other kids in my age group.
(MrBill)
Even if I won the lottery, I don't think I would
quit my job. I don't really have it all that hard:
surfing the Web looking for material and writing
jokes all day. I'd see about cutting back on that
"work" stuff, though, because that part blows.
(Brad Simanek)
The funny thing about babies getting teeth:
The first couple are really cute, but until
he gets a full set, my son is now caught
in that awkward "Deliverance baby" phase.
(Brad Simanek)
Like my mom always used to say, "When the
going gets tough, fake a migraine and
guilt the old man into doing all the work."
She was a very wise woman -- lazy, but wise.
(Todd Loushine)
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
But then he got better and sued me. During
the trial, we gained a grudging respect for
one another and, eventually, became close friends.
Until I bludgeoned him to death. In Lake Tahoe.
(Bob Van Voris)
I wanted to try that Jared guy's "Subway diet," but
since I don't live near a Subway, I had to improvise.
Eight months later, I'm sad to report that the
"McDonald's Filet O' Fish Extra Value Meal diet"
has thus far been, well, spectacularly unsuccessful.
(Miles Walker)
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
But then he got better and sued me. During
the trial, we gained a grudging respect for
one another and, eventually, became close friends.
Until I bludgeoned him to death. In Lake Tahoe.
(Bob Van Voris)
I wanted to try that Jared guy's "Subway diet," but
since I don't live near a Subway, I had to improvise.
Eight months later, I'm sad to report that the
"McDonald's Filet O' Fish Extra Value Meal diet"
has thus far been, well, spectacularly unsuccessful.
(Miles Walker)
The other night I threw up so hard
I blew out my diaphragm and couldn't
sing my usual ballads the next morning.
Luckily, the back of the Ibuprofen bottle
said the stuff is good for minstrel cramps.
(Tom Wideman)
The greatest joy in my world is the look on a young
child's face, when I've just told him that I found
his lost puppy, when he has come to my door looking
for him, because the dog was lost, because I stole
the dog from his yard and held him in my garage,
just to see that look on that young child's face.
(Tom Caldwell)
Presidential math: 41 + #2 = 43
(Bill Muse)
You say, "to-may-to."
I say, "to-mah-to."
You say, "Is it necessary to constantly correct me?"
I say, "It wouldn't be if you got it right."
You say, "I'm sleeping with your brother."
I say what sounds like blubbering.
Let's call the whole thing off.
(Jim Rosenberg)
I've been reading Ruminations for many years, and
I really hope Jenn McNanna is hot. You know, like,
maybe lives in Arizona with no air conditioning.
Maybe even in the same trailer park I do.
(D. Matt Duncan)
My ex got the judge to reduce my alimony to
$300 a month by claiming I was a "stupid bitch."
Well the joke's on him -- he doesn't realize
that's over $2000 a month in dog dollars.
(Kim Walker-Daniels)
I called up Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and
Randy Jackson and threatened to kick all
of their asses, but they just laughed at me.
I guess they realized it was an idol threat.
(Jill Gallagher)
Honestly, was Olive Oyl
really worth fighting over?
(Doug Finney)
Remember: Today is the first day of the rest
of what you're optimistically calling a life.
(Jerry L. Embry)
They say that love conquers all. Maybe,
but *I* haven't lost faith in armored
divisions with awesome firepower coupled
with total air and naval superiority.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,
here I am: stuck in the cafeteria line at the
Academy of Comedic Performing Arts with you.
(The Covert Comic)
While redecorating, I realized my wife and I
have drastically different tastes in furniture.
She wanted to keep only the pieces that reflected
the French provincial theme she was creating;
I wanted to keep all the stuff we'd had sex on.
(Brad Osberg)
Many people think summer school is just for kids,
and I have to say, most of the other people in my
crafts class are kids. But guess who reigns supreme
with the longest macaroni necklace? Oh, yeahhhh.
(BigDogDano)
My wife is crazy with forgetfulness. I found
about a dozen condoms in her suitcase, so she
even forgot that I'm not coming on this trip!
What a not-remembering nut she is!
(Jim Rosenberg)
The important question about Global Warming
is not whether it's occurring, or how quickly,
but rather SHOULD we be trying to prevent it?
Personally, I'd love to be able to visit my
dad in Green Bay without freezing my nuts off.
(Lev L. Spiro)
I'm often kept awake late at night worrying about
the problems that face the world. Will we go to
war with Iraq? Are we facing a prolonged recession?
Does James Brolin still bring Barbra Streisand flowers?
(Nick Ehart)
Past experience tells me a hung-over John
Hancock turned to his wife on the morning
of July 5th and said, "I signed WHAT?!?"
(j0hnboy)
Take it from me: Of all the responses to a
compliment by your partner after sex, one of
the worst might be "Must be the Puppy Chow."
(Brad Simanek)
When my youngest son asked me how
a baby got into my belly, I don't
think the answer he was looking for
was "from a diamond tennis bracelet."
(Jill Gallagher)
Even though I'm a strict vegetarian, if I ever
made it into Looney Tunes land, you can bet I'd
be weeding out that crazy wildlife population
with a shotgun. Just because you don't want
to eat lisping ducks, stuttering pigs, blowhard
roosters and especially smart-ass rabbits
doesn't mean you'd want to put up with them.
(Randy Lee)
My brilliant invention idea: the Ribbed Turkey Baster.
Why? Well, show me where it's written that
artificial insemination shouldn't be fun, too.
(S.P.)
I'm surprised no one has come up with a
blow-up sex doll that doubles as a wading
pool for the kids. That would be perfect
for those of us who can't afford both.
(Brad Osberg)
A friend and I were arguing about the definition
of "irony." He just wasn't getting it, so I took
out the dictionary and read him the meaning.
Then I proceeded to beat him over the head with the
dictionary. Ironic? No, but it sure was satisfying.
(Jenn McNanna)
Basic rule of thumb: If you can pee on the
little pregnancy test thing from across
the room, you're probably *not* pregnant.
(Brian Bell)
I think if I ever grew a third arm, I'd
want it to grow out of my back. Nothing
says "satisfaction" like giving someone
you love a big bear hug and still being
able to pop that itchy pimple on your ass.
(Chris Malysiak)
I was a bit taken aback the other night after sex
when my wife told me I had "shivered her timbers"
when I "discovered the booty." That must have
happened when I touched her pirate parts.
(Brad Simanek)
Through the first 18 chapters I kept
wondering, "How could this guy stand
to be called the 'Scarlet Pimpernel'?"
Then in chapter 19, I learned the
truth: His real name was Sir Percy.
(The Covert Comic)
Mom always said, "I hate you! Your father
wouldn't have left if it weren't for you!
You were an accident!" I used to cry,
but deep down I know that if it weren't
for Mom's tough love, I never would've
gotten the courage to shoot that fifth
cop and make it all the way to Panama.
(Jacqui Kennelly)
If these walls could talk, they'd probably say,
"No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer!
NOT THE HAMMER!!!!"
(Jennifer A. Ford)
Instead of the Happy Meal, McDonald's
ought to make a Sleepy Meal. Then I might
finally get these brats down for a nap.
(Scott Charles)
My dad was thrilled when a Heisman Trophy
winner skipped his senior year in college
to turn pro and was drafted by Dad's favorite
team. It's funny how different his reaction
was when *I* dropped out of medical school
before my final year to become a mime.
(Ed B.)
After years of dealing with that smug dental
assistant nagging me to take better care of my
teeth, I'm finally going to have the last laugh:
How do you floss between *one* tooth,
Ms. Hygiene Queen? Answer me *that*!
(Brad Simanek)
Why is that when I'm in an airport bar, there's
always some jerk hitting on a drunk chick?
And why is the drunk chick always me?
(Jenn McNanna)
Time travel is great. I just wish we could
get past that "one second forward" barrier.
(Josh Murtack)
It's interesting how so many stories about
a person's dislike of a particular alcohol
begin with "Once, when I was a teenager..."
(James Knowles)
One time I was on the verge of dying.
I saw my life flash before my eyes,
but since I have a short attention span,
I only got to the in utero part.
(Rob Ahnemann)
Lord, lead me not into temptation.
Nothing personal, but it would be really
awkward if I showed up there with you.
(Anthony Myers)
My new book, "How to Remove Virtually Anything
From Your Butt," hasn't made any best-seller lists.
However, my publisher informs me I've landed
on a couple of lists run by the government,
so that's gotta count for something.
(Brad Osberg)
The old saying goes, "The truth will set you free."
Unless, of course, the truth is that you really want
someone to tie you up -- then you have a problem.
(Paul B.)
At first I thought, "How could women be from
Venus? It's got an atmosphere of poisonous gas!"
And then I made the connection: potpourri!
(Larry Hollister)
I cried when my grandparents danced at my
sister’s wedding. Seeing them made me realize
they might live long enough to dance at mine.
(The Covert Comic)
If I could go back in time, I would clone an army
of Drs. Martin Luther King, Jr. I'm not sure the
clones could achieve any more than the original,
but the 50 extra days off from work would be nice.
(Davejames)
I am the quintessential stay-at-home dad.
Mostly because of my electronic ankle monitor.
(Wayne Lloyd)
As hungry and desperate as people become when
they are stranded, I can't imagine that the other
castaways didn't at least discuss how satisfying
a plate full of barbecued Gilligan might be.
(Brad Simanek)
You say "toh-MAY-toh," I say "toh-MAH-toh."
You say "soothing lotion for breastfeeding
mothers," I say "boob lube." This is why you
shouldn't let me write the shopping list.
(Brad Simanek)
If I ever blow up a building, I'm going
to wire the bomb so that it goes off with
10 seconds still showing on the timer. Won't
that guy with the wire cutters be surprised!
(Doug Finney)
Don't think of it as losing your virginity;
think of it as gaining a free ride
home on the back of a motorcycle.
(The Covert Comic)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Probably to get to the john in the Audi
with $20 and a penchant for things like that.
(Brad Simanek)
Don't think of it as losing your virginity;
think of it as gaining a free ride
home on the back of a motorcycle.
(The Covert Comic)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Probably to get to the john in the Audi
with $20 and a penchant for things like that.
(Brad Simanek)
If it's so damned all-loving, why
doesn't the Light get off its lazy ass
and come down the tunnel to see *us*?!?
(The Covert Comic)
One of the worst things about being
in a fantasy football league is trying
to explain to your wife why she overheard
you call another guy a "fantasy stud."
(Scott E. Frank)
Proof of the astounding ability of human
beings to deceive ourselves is our refusal
to think about what the chewed-up food in our
mouth looks like right before we swallow it.
(Dustin Moskowitz)
I don't know why some people don't believe in
sex before marriage. If you ask me, it's a hell
of a lot more believable than sex AFTER marriage!
(Scott E. Frank)
I'll bet if clowns ever took over the world,
C-SPAN would be a lot better cable channel.
(Jerry L. Embry)
The one piece of advice I wish I'd paid attention
to is that thing on the cleaner bag that says
you shouldn't put it over your head. Man, was
my face red that time! Or maybe blue -- I've
been having trouble with my memory since then.
(Bob Van Voris)
Two hours of Internet porn and online sex left
me screaming with orgasm after orgasm -- until
that bitch librarian told me to keep it down.
(Jill Gallagher)
If Anthony Hopkins ever decides to open a
restaurant for cannibals, I bet he calls
the house special "Remains of the Day."
(Bob Van Voris)
I admit, I am as attracted to a pretty woman
in a nice outfit as much as the next guy,
but I prefer to think that it's what's
inside her pants that is most important.
(Wiley)
I found out recently that few words are more powerful
than "cleavage." You can place it with 10,000
others in an employee review, and it's still
the only one your lawyers want to talk about.
(Davejames)
Preparation H is normally applied to one's
posterior to shrink hemorrhoids, but it has also
become popular as a means of temporarily erasing
facial wrinkles. I'm guessing the second usage
was discovered during a management training class.
(Paul Layman)
I'm holding back from having my own children
because I'm not sure I'd be a very good parent.
Besides, have you any idea how much people at
raves charge when you want them to watch kids?
(Danny Gallagher)
The four-year-olds at my son's birthday party
mistakenly thought it was a pinata, but I was
actually just hanging Curious George in effigy.
(Bob Van Voris)
My dominatrix has a birthday soon.
I think I'll just buy her a gag gift.
(J. Hutter)
Actually, if he ONLY had a brain, would
the scarecrow really be any better off?
(The Covert Comic)
Doctors say that we only use 15
percent of our brain. Is there
more than 15 percent in our brain?
(Harvey Shelman)
Going over that steel-grate bridge
every morning makes the car vibrate
and it feels so good that I moan and
groan out loud in pleasure. Too bad
it freaks out the driving instructor.
(Jill Gallagher)
Sometimes I wish I was a woman, because I
bet "The Woman With Testicles" could make
a lot of money on the sideshow circuit.
(Fred Meyer)
If I lived in the land of the blind, I'd
tell everyone I had one eye, even if I
didn't. I mean, who's gonna know, right?
And just like that -- free kingdom!
(Carolyn Rosser)
The last time I needed a cavity filled I tried
one of those new places where the whole time
the guy's working on you he spouts language
inciting rebellion against the authority of
the state. You know, sedition dentistry.
(Sandra Hull)
The ceramic duck stared at me, and I stared
back: an insurmountable standoff. Eventually
my buzz would wear off, and the duck would
learn the true meaning of "garage sale."
(Tidewater Joe)
There I was, naked, trembling with anticipation,
hoping she would finally say the words I've
waited a lifetime to hear. Unfortunately,
"Step away from the vehicle with your hands
up!" wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
(Mike Lopez)
I was just hired at the CDC as their new
STD Name Consultant, which means whenever
a new STD is discovered, I get to name it.
And now it's payback time to all of you
girls who wouldn't date me in high school.
(BigDogDano)
People label me as a narcissist because
I go to the gym and tanning salon every day,
but mark my words: They'll be jealous when
we're all stranded on an isolated mountaintop
and leathery-and-tough-meated Brad is viewed
as the last one anyone would pick for eating.
(Brad Simanek)
If we would just lose the war on drugs,
I'm certain we could win the war on terror.
(The Covert Comic)
I told him that it wasn't working out because
we're just apples and oranges. Of course, I'm
the sweet, sun-ripened, kissed-by-God-Himself
orange and he's the rotten, fly-infested apple
that's stuck to the bottom of my wastebasket
because he was "too busy" to put a new bag in it.
(Michele Kieweg)
You know something's fundamentally
out-of-whack with the economy when
you have to use your Economic Stimulus
rebate check to pay your bankruptcy lawyer.
(Mark Spence)
I've got nothing against gay guys -- I
just don't want my sister marrying one.
(James Knowles)
Men always think that women's locker rooms
are filled with hot, naked women oiling each
other up, having sex in the hot tub and getting
into pillow fights. That's a ridiculous notion!
Why would there be pillows in a locker room?
(Jill Gallagher)
Sure, mimes are funny -- but if some guy were ever
*really* trapped inside a glass box on a crowded
city street, and he had white and black make-up
on his face, and he was wearing suspenders and a
really stupid-looking cap, would it be so funny?
(The Covert Comic)
When I was back in college it was thrilling
to see a woman's bra hanging from my doorknob.
But now that I've been married for more than 20
years, it's kind of lost its luster. Now it just
means the damn door isn't going to close properly.
(Donald Johnson)
Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I let
water go down my arms and run off my fingers
in 10 little streams. I imagine that I'm a
new superhero, with the fearsome power of
urinating fingers. It may not sound very
powerful, but if peeing fingers don't get the
bad guys' attention, I don't think they'll be
very impressed with heat vision or magic lassos.
(Chris Urich)
Polygamy I understand. What I don't understand
is being married to a bunch of women at
the same time and having them all wear Home
on the Prairie dresses and combat boots.
(Tidewater Joe)
I think kids appreciate it when adults
actually treat them like people.
Little, stupid people who cry a lot.
(Bob Van Voris)
My pet bird loves to eat worms, but every day,
she drops one in her water dish. I'm beginning to
wonder if it's her way of asking me for tequila.
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
I expect that the Afghan women hardest hit by
Taliban rule were Afghan women mimes. Not only
were they forced to wear burqas, but they weren't
allowed to speak about it -- and they *still*
can't speak about it, pretty much by definition.
(The Covert Comic)
I had the surprise of my life last Sunday
when I opened Mom's refrigerator, took
out a Cool Whip container and found
it actually contained Cool Whip.
(Jerry L. Embry)
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Frame a man for murder and the state
will feed him every day for 25-to-life.
(Bob Van Voris)
*Strangling* fish in a barrel, although
not as easy, is ultimately more satisfying.
(Brian J. Noggle)
If I ever became a hooker,
I'd charge by the inch.
(Lili VonSchtupp)
I figure I'd better get started smoking now.
Otherwise in a few years my son
might bring home from pre-school a
crappy clay-and-elbow-macaroni DVD player.
(Brad Simanek)
Nothing is as wonderful as a clear summer day,
especially if that day includes some heavy
boozing and hooking up with a hot supermodel.
(Todd Loushine)
I was all excited when I joined the neighborhood
watch group, but it didn't last long. Apparently,
they've got some weird policy against knocking
on doors and demanding protection money.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
What's the male equivalent of women's intuition?
Most likely, it's hitting something really hard
and seeing if it still causes a problem.
(The Covert Comic)
I shudder to think at the amount
of domestic violence that has resulted
from the re-release of the VW Beetle.
(Steve Bacon)
I've been getting my ass kicked in
our local rec league so much lately,
I think I've developed athlete's butt.
(Brad Simanek)
When I was a little boy, like a lot of kids at
that age I had a special friend who was imaginary.
But time passes, and you grow up and
realize *all* your friends are imaginary.
(The Covert Comic)
This customer service job would be a breeze
if it weren't for all these whiny, pushy,
complaining, help-me-now customers.
(Todd Loushine)
You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out.
You put your right hand in and shake it all about.
Good for doing the hokey pokey; not so much for
trying to figure out why your wood chipper stalled.
(Paul B.)
If Earth is really just a grain of sand
in the universe, I'll bet we're stuck in
God's Speedo and we're driving him nuts.
(Brad Osberg)
You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out.
You put your right hand in and shake it all about.
Good for doing the hokey pokey; not so much for
trying to figure out why your wood chipper stalled.
(Paul B.)
If Earth is really just a grain of sand
in the universe, I'll bet we're stuck in
God's Speedo and we're driving him nuts.
(Brad Osberg)
As I lay face-down and naked, tied up on
the railroad tracks, with the honey poured
over my buttcrack starting to attract ants
and bees, I began to wonder what exactly
is so great about playing Truth or Dare.
(Tristan Fabriani)
This time of year, the frost on the ground and
the chill in the air fill me with energy and
goodwill. They also fill me with thankfulness
that I don't have any nipple jewelry.
(Bob Van Voris)
Live each moment as if it were your last.
Life becomes more enjoyable if
you think you're about to die.
(Tom Sims)
You reach my age and you start to believe your
chance to be cool has passed you by. Then you see
some guy in a tattered overcoat washing car windows
for change and you think, "Hey, I could do that!"
(Tidewater Joe)
I don't think it's right to accuse me of
lacking confidence just because I walk
eight batters to get to the opposing pitcher.
(Walter Means)
When I turned 40, I decided to clean up
my act and gave up drinking and smoking.
Man, it was tough -- there's no way I'd have
gotten through that period without my heroin.
(Kevin Freels)
I look to nature to find which diets actually work.
I suggest the squirrel diet, because you almost
never see a fat squirrel. It's easy: Just lose
99 percent of the food you hid around the house.
(Carolyn Mansager)
I wonder if the clothing and shoe
factories of Southeast Asia ever
have "Take Your Parents to Work Day."
(Paul B.)
When my sister takes her kid to the mall,
she puts him on one of those kiddie leashes
so he doesn't get lost. How creepy is that?
Personally, I think he'd be much safer and
happier if she left him at home in his crate.
(Dan, the crazy Croat)
I wonder why Mexico makes such a big
deal about Cinco de Mayo. I mean,
who *hasn't* defeated the French?
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
The U.S. Treasury has redesigned the $20 bill
twice, yet never bothered with the $1 bill
because its denomination is considered not worth
counterfeiting. Personally, I think they're
overlooking the crucial strip-club factor.
(Kirk Eisenbeis)
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle is very
well named. Despite my physics professors
having explained it to me dozens of times,
I'm still not sure what it's all about.
(Paul B.)
It's great that the letters in Jim
Morrison's name can be rearranged
into a cool nickname: "Mr. Mojo Risin'."
My friend Bart Enos is stuck with "Bear Snot."
(Doug Sykes)
I wonder if the illegal aliens living in the
US find all these "Earth Day" celebrations
to be exclusionary and somewhat insensitive
to beings from their own home planets.
(Steve Bacon)
If "freedom" is just another word for "nothin'
left to lose," I wonder if Kris Kristofferson
can find a cooler word for my situation, too,
because "kleptomania" is just so clumsy.
(Brad Simanek)
A wise saying in a trying moment is like
bread during a famine: Better keep it to
yourself, or people will tear you apart.
(The Covert Comic)
There goes my baby... walkin' on down the line.
Of course, had Sam Cooke understood that in
Euclidean geometry, a line is an infinite
succession of points and that he would likely
never see his baby again, he might have
reconsidered his lyrics. Another forceful
case for erasing math illiteracy in the USA.
(William Fordes)
A wise saying in a trying moment is like
bread during a famine: Better keep it to
yourself, or people will tear you apart.
(The Covert Comic)
There goes my baby... walkin' on down the line.
Of course, had Sam Cooke understood that in
Euclidean geometry, a line is an infinite
succession of points and that he would likely
never see his baby again, he might have
reconsidered his lyrics. Another forceful
case for erasing math illiteracy in the USA.
(William Fordes)
Visiting a bordello builds character and toughness.
I say this thinking of the advice my friend gave
me: "If you fall off a whore, get right back on."
Oh, and quickly too, or you'll have to pay again.
(Paul Totman)
I think there is nothing sadder than
a crying clown -- unless the clown is
crying because he got hit in the crotch
with a football, which would be hilarious.
(Brad Wilkerson)
With pilot-buying season coming up, I'm
hoping CBS will greenlight "CSI: Boise,"
because I relish the idea of seeing someone
hacked to death over a stolen lawn gnome.
(Brad Simanek)
I saw a quote that said:
"Don't say you don't have time.
You have as much time as Albert
Einstein or Thomas Edison did."
Yeah, but they were smarter than I am.
(David Shaffer)
I'll bet the best thing about having your
hand cut off is when you're arguing with
somebody and you say, "Talk to the hook."
(Bob Van Voris)
Some people think I'm paranoid, but you
never know when a rearview mirror on
your stationary bike will come in handy.
(Stevie L.)
Great! After weathering the screening process
required to join the polygamist sect, the elders
decide to stick me with *one* wife who happens
to have multiple personality disorder.
(Sib Mandrake)
I think time is crucial to anything.
For example, if you lock an infinite number
of monkeys in a room with those typewriters,
but you limit the amount of time they have
to write, the best you'll get out of them
is the pilot to "The Dukes of Hazzard."
(Doug Sykes)
If we don't carefully conserve our
valuable cheap joke reserves, soon we'll
find they've gone the way of the dildo.
(Travis Ruetenik)
During long-ago times when pirates
raided the high seas, I'd imagine only
the kinkiest and most masochistic of
prostitutes would be known as "hookers."
(Brad Simanek)
One advantage of our entire class Of 1978
failing math is that we can pretty much
show up at any class reunions we choose.
(Jerry L. Embry)
Man, they are so strict at my new job.
It's constantly: "No personal calls,"
"Don't surf the Web," "Put your pants back on."
I mean, who can work in an environment like that?
(Brad Wilkerson)
I can sit and watch my cat play with
a ball of string for hours. It takes
so little to amuse his tiny brain!
(Lee Entrekin)
When I awoke in a puddle of my own vomit
after a night of Halloween candy binging,
I suddenly realized why no one would
ever market creamed-style candy corn.
(Stephanie Thompson)
The optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says it is half empty.
The nurse says, "Just shut up and finish
filling the bottle so we can do your drug test."
(Paul B.)
They just busted a prostitution ring
that was run from an auto junkyard.
I'll bet they had a self-service area
where you could pull your own parts.
(Lili VonSchtupp)
Until HR helped me clear things up, I had
always assumed the sexual harassment clock
didn't start until *after* the job interview.
(Sib Mandrake)
I was sitting in my kitchen last night when
I realized that if the next pope is a really
tall guy, his pope hat will brush the
ceiling if he ever comes to visit me.
(Kamooka)
A bad day of skydiving is better than...
No, come to think of it, a bad day of skydiving
could be *really* bad. Okay then, a bad day
of skydiving that's not so bad as to involve
ambulances is better than a good day at work.
(Chuck Bonner)
I don't like to tell potential employers
I was downsized from my last job, because
that makes me seem like a loser who couldn't
adapt to the changing business environment.
So I tell them instead that I quit to
spend more quality time with my kitty cats.
(Andrea Crain)
Whenever I see that painting "The Scream,"
I try to imagine that the man is wearing
earphones and singing, because that
way it looks like he's having fun.
(The Covert Comic)
I'm not on the award committee or anything, but
I can pretty much guarantee a Nobel Prize to any
scientist who makes cauliflower taste like bacon.
(Brad Wilkerson)
Well, I killed my own grandfather and
here I am! Guess there's no paradox
when time travel isn't involved.
(Andrew Kennedy)
If I were that famed limerick guy from
Nantucket, I'd have made a lucrative career
for myself in the adult entertainment industry.
But I'd probably still do that other thing, too.
(Allen Lindsey)
While not well documented, I'd imagine
there has to be *someone* of renown whose
famous last words were "OHHHHH SHIT!!!"
(Brad Simanek)
Women are hard to figure out. They love lingerie
and they love garage sales, but they don't seem
to like getting garage-sale lingerie as a gift.
(Brad Osberg)
It's been said that power is the greatest
aphrodisiac. It's true, women love guys
who have power. They also seem to enjoy
running water and central heating.
(Anthony Myers)
This year, my resolution is for my neighbor
to lose 30 pounds. That way, come next
January, *he's* the slob with no willpower.
(Brad Osberg)
I can't decide who's the bigger geek, the
person who used "FF0000" for the vanity plate
on their red car, or me because I knew that
FF0000 is the hexadecimal value for red.
(Bill Hewins)
They don't really want us to know it, but I'm
sure that companies that design bathroom
fixtures all have at least one guy whose job
is to design fake poo for testing purposes.
(Travis Ruetenik)
Apparently "resisting the urge to unleash vengeful
wrath on my co-workers" is not something the
employee review team deems a valid coming-year goal.
(Brad Simanek)
Be careful if you flip the bird to a
proctologist: You might be inadvertently
giving him the secret fraternal high sign.
(Walter Means)
"TEIAM" -- problem solved!
(Steve Bacon)
Some aspects of the Bible I find a little troubling.
For instance, if Jesus truly believed in non-violence,
why did he destroy the Death Star?
(The Covert Comic)
I just joined a new fast-audio book club.
We listen to standard audio books, but save
time by just fast-forwarding through them to
the end. I finished "The Great Gatsby" in 20
minutes. It's an extremely overrated novel
about a lot of high-pitched chirping noises.
(Anthony Myers)
Self-defense tip: If you're ever about
to be mugged by a couple of clowns,
don't hesitate -- go for the juggler.
(Lee Entrekin)
The pay isn't very good, but I sure
have a lot of free time in my job
as publicity director for Fight Club.
(Bob Van Voris)
If I had a time machine, I would use it for the
benefit of others more needy than myself --
like standing outside a movie theater until
I heard someone say, "*There's* two hours of
my life I'll never get back!" and I'd interject,
"Well, have I got a deal for you!"
(Brad Simanek)
It's amazing Larry, Moe and Curly remained
friends all those years. If one on my friends
kept hitting me with a hammer on purpose,
I'd likely stop hanging out with him.
(Anthony Myers)
I've never left my heart in San Francisco.
However, I did once leave some toenail clippings
outside the Topeka Greyhound station.
(Lev L. Spiro)
If aliens landed in my yard today and said,
"Take me to your leader," I'd probably refuse.
Not to protect the president, mind you, but
because I'd be too embarrassed to admit to an
advanced civilization that we elected this guy.
(Paul B.)
I think I learned a couple of valuable life
lessons that night. One: The old adage about
setting your sights on something and just grabbing
for it doesn't necessarily apply in strip clubs.
Two: Metal toilets are cold.
(Tristan Fabriani)
When I play with kids, instead of saying,
"Got your nose!" I say, "Got your appendix!"
That way, they can't prove you wrong with
a mirror -- and if you accidentally really
took it, they'd probably be okay.
(Scott Charles, Sr.)
I went running today during my lunch break.
It's good for the heart and helps keep my
weight under control, unlike those tubby bank
security guards who couldn't keep up with me.
(Alan Bland)
The problem with my wife and I sharing
a wireless Internet connection is that I'll
often get notices from our service provider
telling me that someone else is logging on
to our account... FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!
(Brad Simanek)
I have some JPGs of Britney Spears dancing naked.
Except she's not naked -- she's wearing a grubby
bathrobe, and she's not dancing -- she's eating
oatmeal, and she's not Britney Spears -- she's me.
(James Knowles)
It never fails: Whenever I try to get romantic
with a woman, I always start crying uncontrollably.
I guess pepper spray will do that to ya.
(Paul B.)
I hate cargo pants, mainly because of the name.
I don't really need that constant reminder that
my ass is big enough to be shipped as freight.
(Scott E. Frank)
My grandfather lived to be over 100 years old,
but I still feel that in an important way he
died too soon. If he could have waited until
later in the week, I could've used the funeral
to string together a three day weekend.
(Anthony Myers)
Live each moment as if it were your last.
Life becomes more enjoyable if
you think you're about to die.
(Tom Sims)
I think math class should teach us useful skills,
like how this small, round cardboard tube would be
half full of toilet paper right now if I had just
coughed up a few cents more for the double roll.
(Mixmaven)
All these advertisements and commercials
confuse me. Here I was thinking the
burning sensation when I urinated
just meant my shampoo was working.
(George MacMillan)
The second rule of Fight Club is: Don't
whistle songs from "The Sound of Music."
(Bob Van Voris)
I think a really cool thing for blind people
would be talking warning signs. The drawback
would be the resulting explosion of the blind
population due to a lack of natural predators.
(Travis Gray)
I bellied up to the bar and ordered a double
Jack and Coke. Before I even took a sip,
I was so happy that I started jumping up
a down and spilled it all over the bar.
Seems I suffer from premature Jack elation.
(Steve Bacon)
I used to think my older sister was possessed
by a demon, what with all the levitating,
growling voices and head-spinning. But then my
parents explained that whole PMS thing to me.
(Kevin Wickart)
I just read that the saline in breast implants
is recycled. I wear contact lenses, so if
this report is true, it means my sex life
may actually be a lot better than I thought.
(The Covert Comic)
The oyster is but a shell that conceals
the pearl within. And oyster guts.
(Michael Sheinbaum)
My parents always said I'd end up
unemployed and living in their basement.
Well, I guess I showed them! By the way,
thanks for the cookies and milk, Aunt Mary!
(Mystic7)
The other day as I was stopped at a traffic light,
the guy in front of me jumped out of his car and
started pounding on my hood, screaming about
how the ointment wasn't working. The cops who
dragged him away told me it wasn't my fault -- it
was just another senseless incident of 'roid rage.
(Brad Wilkerson)
You know, you can say what you like about the
Amish. That's my favorite thing about them.
(Anthony Myers)
The warmth and comfort I feel when I wear
my aviator jacket on cold winter days is
just enough to tip the balance away from
the guilt I feel over those poor aviators
who were killed for their pelts.
(Brad Hamer)
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
*Absolut* power, on the other hand, foolishly makes
you believe there will be no repercussions for punching
out your boss after that five-vodka-martini lunch.
(Brad Simanek)
Sometimes when I'm in a difficult situation I ask,
"What Would Jesus Do?" And always a little voice
inside me answers, "Well, he probably wouldn't try
to cram *another* corpse into the crawl-space, moron."
(Brad Wilkerson)
You really can learn things in Lamaze
classes. I learned that just because a
video has a naked lady in it doesn't mean
that my "bawm-chick-a-bamp bamp" song is going
to automatically get a laugh out of the room.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I'd like to send a picture of myself
to some distant star, thousands of
light-years away, because by the time
the aliens realize I'm mooning them,
I'll have been dead for centuries.
(Jeffrey Lampert)
I think the very definition of "one of those
days" is when you start your morning by mixing
up your contacts with your electric shaver.
(Brad Simanek)
If a company's most valuable resource is its
people, how come the employees aren't locked
up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced
steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?
(Mark Severin)
I wonder if before 007 was issued his license
to kill, he had a learner's permit to kill.
Because that would be pretty embarrassing
to have to have an older agent accompany
you every time you have to shoot someone.
(Dangermouse)
When I got arrested, they told me,
"Anything you say will be held against you."
I said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."
(The Covert Comic)
Personally, I don't consider it all that strange
to find a sexy message from "A Secret Lover"
in my bulk e-mail folder. But that's probably
because whenever I get a sexy message from
my wife, she sends it via bulk e-mail, too.
(The Covert Comic)
We live in a dangerous world, and I guess
we all will have to adjust to the idea of
giving up some freedoms and dealing with a
heightened level of security. Well, at least
according to that Dunkin' Donuts cashier who
strip-searched my wife this morning, we do.
(Brad Wilkerson)
I love the nightlife. I got to boogie.
But apparently the minister believes those
needs don't meet his lofty standards for
"reasons why this couple should not be wed."
(Brad Simanek)
My life kind of resembles Forrest Gump's life,
except that I haven't met any famous people, struck
it rich or had any major accomplishments.
I guess all I'm saying is that I, too, once drank
so much Dr. Pepper that I had to pee really bad.
(Doug Sykes)
In an impulse of passion, I said to her,
"Give me your lips, right this moment!"
But when she removed them and threw them
to me, it occurred to me that dating Miss
Potato Head would require some adjustments.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
If there's one thing I've learned in my
10 years of working in a law firm, it's
that there's never a good time to say,
"Lick me, law-boy!" to the managing partner.
(Allen Lindsey)
I think they should put one-way aisles
in grocery stores. It would really improve
the flow of traffic, although it would no
doubt be embarrassing if your friends saw
you getting ticketed by the dairy clerk.
(Jenn McNanna)
Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see
the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a
quick catnap at work. They never last very long,
though, because invariably someone rings the
bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
(Brad Wilkerson)
Is there anything stupider than paparazzi
shooting pictures of Britney Spears while she
leaves her car in a mall parking lot and walks
into some lame J. Crew store, buys something she
doesn't need and then goes back to her car, glumly
driving away with some unknown leech of a man
who is nothing more than this month's anointed
hanger-on? Well, stupider than watching it all
on YouTube? Or stupider that watching it on
YouTube, then writing a Rumination about it?
(Big Dog Dano)
Just remember: If it weren't for animal
testing, we wouldn't know that animal
testing can be harmful to animals.
(The Covert Comic)
The automakers' names for their trucks are
all very macho-sounding: Titan, Silverado,
Ram, Tundra, Sierra, etc. That's why I don't
understand why Chevy wasn't interested in
my concept for the Chevy Smokin' Skidmark.
(Ron Arol)
How many times does the world's
oldest man have to die before somebody
takes this crisis seriously?!!
(Steve Maxon)
If GOP candidate Mike Huckabee's is elected president,
he plans to build a fence to keep the aliens out of the
U.S. Maybe I'm the moron here, but it seems that once
you manage to traverse the entire galaxy, it's unlikely
that eight feet of chain link is going to stop you.
(Steve Bacon)
Since I was born with only four fingers, I'd
like to marry someone else who has the same
number of fingers as I do. I mean, besides
a drunk carpenter or a kid with a buzz saw.
(Steph Mirsky)
Oh, look, it's a little Bill Clinton head!
Smells like cheeseburger! Ah, Teddy Roosevelt.
The Square Deal tastes like cherry, I guess.
And JFK! How in the world do they get
that detail in a little piece of candy?
Man, these Prez dispensers are great!
(Kristian Idol)
Hangovers are temporary; memories
are forever. Unless you were too
drunk to remember them, that is.
(Brian Tobin)
You'd have to think the worst thing about
being one of those dudes that get paid to
hold up signs is knowing that at any moment,
you could lose your job to a stick or a staple.
(Steve Bacon)
I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met
a man in an Amsterdam brothel with a diaper
on and a rubber chicken on his head, who was
the victim of a botched sex-change operation in
a Tijuana prison. That pretty much shut me up.
(John H. Crocker)
If I grind too far, it breaks; but if
I don't grind enough, I cannot write.
There's something really Buddhist
about this damn pencil sharpener.
(Travis Ruetenik)
Infomercials should only be viewed between 3 a.m.
and 6 a.m. That's when you're desperate for sleep
and watching George Foreman grill meat somehow
makes sense on a higher metaphysical plane.
(JerseyTomato)
A dead camel with two humps may
be in the shape of a heart,
but it makes a poor Valentine.
(Chris Lipe)
I would be completely happy to just
live in my dreams, if it weren't for my
girlfriend repeatedly changing into Hitler.
No, wait a minute -- that's my real life.
(Kristian Idol)
If I'm to believe Occam's Razor -- that all
things being equal, the most obvious answer
is usually the correct answer -- then I must
sadly admit that all spammers probably don't
share the exact same name and email address as
my wife, and that all those "male enlargement"
spam messages are actually from my wife.
(Steve Bacon)
My new co-workers at the slaughterhouse have
been great, patiently showing me the ropes without
any of the hazing I'd feared. I will say, though,
that I hope the Testicle Fairy visits soon,
because my pillow is starting to smell awful.
(Brad Simanek)
Eskimo kisses are nice and French kisses
are lots of fun, but you might want
to think twice before combining them.
(Sebastian Pivnicka)
The strange irony is that my mother told
me there'd be days like this -- including
the bit about the man in the tinfoil hat
groping himself on the subway platform.
(David Gunter)
Barring a rash of immaculate conceptions,
you've got to think we're on our last generation
of on-line gamers and role playing geeks.
(Steve Bacon)
Wouldn't it be great if pharmacies had people
handing out samples like they do at the supermarket?
I guess the drug companies just aren't as
market-savvy as those pork rind people.
(Brad Osberg)
Nursery rhymes are crucial in aiding young
children to make sense of life's baffling
complexities. I mean, who'd want their kid
freaking out every time they see a weasel
spontaneously combust while fleeing from
a mulberry-bush-orbiting monkey?
(Larry Hollister)
All sunglasses, no matter how expensive,
pretty much look the same after you sit on them.
(Ivy Rosier)
It's a shame that whether or not I had a good
Christmas will mostly be determined by whether
the world ends before I receive my credit card bill.
(Phil Garding)
Thomas Wolfe was wrong, you *can* go home again.
In fact, sometimes it's strongly encouraged,
like when you forget to wear pants to work.
(The Covert Comic)
Note to employees: The statement
"Think outside the box" does *not*
constitute permission to leave it.
(The Covert Comic)
Every time I look in my mirror I appear to be 30
pounds heavier and eight inches shorter. That's
the last time I buy used furniture at the carnival.
(Lil Owens)
I began to suspect that something was
very wrong when the time management
seminar went into its third week.
(Dave Henry)
As the nurse unwrapped the bandages, I was
horrified to discover I now looked like
Tom Wopat. That quack plastic surgeon must
have given me Luke-tox injections by mistake.
(Brad Simanek)
If this whole Heath Ledger tragedy has taught
me anything, it's that I'm not the only one
who makes numerous inappropriate calls to
Mary-Kate Olsen with a dead body in the room.
(Brad Simanek)
And so I left Cape Canaveral wiser than I had arrived.
Maybe I hadn't gotten Jeff Gordon's autograph, but I
had learned that NASA and NASCAR are not the same thing,
and in the long run, that was probably more valuable.
(Brad Wilkerson)
I used to enjoy taking afternoon vacations
in my mind, but I eventually got lazy and
the service at my mental resort went downhill.
So I stopped tipping, but now I suspect that
I've begun spitting in my drinks to get even.
(Phil Garding)
I was helping my 9-year-old daughter do research
for her book report on horseback riding for kids.
So I Googled the following: "pony, ride, under age 18."
... and I swear that's the truth, Your Honor.
(The Covert Comic)
I try to not sweat the small stuff.
My pores are so damn big it oozes
out in unpleasantly large chunks.
(Brad Simanek)
Considering its primary use in a vehicle, I think
they should rename it "the most junk not including
gloves I can cram into the smallest possible area
and still close the damn door" compartment.
(Tom Sims)
I kept hanging flyers all over the
campus, but no one ever came to our shows.
In hindsight, our band probably could have
come up with a better name than Lost Dog.
(Paul B.)
I would think that when God needs a break
from the pressure of running the universe,
He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets
to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.
(Brad Simanek)
I kept hanging flyers all over the
campus, but no one ever came to our shows.
In hindsight, our band probably could have
come up with a better name than Lost Dog.
(Paul B.)
I would think that when God needs a break
from the pressure of running the universe,
He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets
to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.
(Brad Simanek)
The great thing about convincing mimes
to join Fight Club -- besides totally
beating their asses -- is knowing
they'll never break rules 1 and 2.
(Brad Simanek)
I love fajitas.
Unfortunately, they make me fajart.
(Steve Biddle)
If you possess super powers, I guess I can
understand wearing a bright red, blue and
yellow jumpsuit with a large "S" on it.
But to wear a big red cape, too? That starts
to look like you're trying to rub it in.
(The Covert Comic)
Football is a game of inches
-- much like naked limbo.
(Tom Sims)
When it comes down to it, it's the little
thongs in life that makes it all worthwhile.
(Jerry L. Embry)
To get into better shape, I treated myself to a
new piece of exercise equipment. It looks real
pretty with my name and address on it, but the
paper cuts are killing me. I guess I should have
done more research before getting a stationery bike.
(Lil Owens)
People are often taken aback when I, a man,
describe myself as having a girlish figure.
Hey, with my man-boobs and huge belly, I look
just like my eight-months pregnant neighbor.
(Mark Spence)
Those bastards at the dating service rejected my
application because the three adjectives I chose
to describe myself were "intense," "trigger-happy"
and "loner." Oh, wait... silly me: "Loner"
is a noun! Well, *that* explains it.
(Brad Hamer)
Just as I was about to slip some more company pens and
note pads into my pocket, that small inner voice stopped
me, saying, "Jerry, don't do that. It's wrong." Then it
added, "Why don't you kill everybody here instead?"
(Jerry L. Embry)
My big fantasy is being a pizza delivery boy
making a delivery to a mansion where a porn
film is being shot and arriving at the location
at precisely the same moment as the actor
playing the role of the pizza-delivery boy.
(Siva Kumar)
My grandmother taught my mother how to drive,
and she, in turn, taught me. Luckily, my mother
didn't also pass down the knowledge of how to
get pregnant in the back seat, because some
family traditions should just fade away.
(Jenn McNanna)
If you can stay married to Bill Clinton, is
there anything you can't do? On the other hand,
if you're willing to stay married to Bill
Clinton, is there anything you *won't* do?
(The Covert Comic)
I always felt those Farm Aid concerts were
an awesome idea because I know first-hand
how tough it is being a small farmer these
days -- especially when the DEA keeps
burning your crop before you can harvest.
(Edwin Ball)
No matter how much joy juice Bob drank
at the company party, he couldn't crack
a smile, even once, because he had a
secret: Bob was laughtose intolerant.
(Paul Ellis)
I regret that I have but
one life to give towards
avoidance of military duty.
(Tom Sims)
I finally went on an excursion with Celebrity
Cruise Lines, and there was a whole lot less
drunken hoohah-flashing than I'd hoped for.
(Sib Mandrake)
I sometimes imagine myself as a cold-blooded
python with massive rippling muscles, capable of
suffocating and devouring large prey, yet burdened
with a tiny brain. Occasionally it can be healthy
for me to get in touch with my inner pro wrestler.
(Brad Hamer)
I like how my new doctor knocks before he enters
the exam room when I'm in there. Because of his
thoughtfulness, I may never get caught boosting
drug samples and hypodermic needles again.
(Miles Walker)
Interesting bit of cultural trivia:
The literal translation of the Japanese word
"karaoke" is: "look like a friggin' idiot."
(The Covert Comic)
This nanosecond is the first
nanosecond of the rest of... Damn!
I *still* can't say it fast enough!
(The Covert Comic)
Why is it that every single place
I go smells like boogers?
(Damon Milhem)
Sometimes I wonder what it will be like
when the aliens come to take us all away.
Most likely we'll be just outside Earth's
atmosphere when some stupid douche will start
wailing about his needing to use the bathroom.
(Brad Simanek)
Many believe that sarcasm is the lowest
form of wit. Yeah, like *that's* true.
(Rob Simpson)
If I could be anyone in history, I'd want to
be Alexander Graham Bell's assistant, Thomas
Watson. That way, when Bell made that historic
first phone call and uttered his famous words,
"Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you,"
I could have said, "May I ask who's calling?"
(Wayne Lloyd)
As the screaming woman in front of me lunged
through the small opening in the Plexiglas,
trying to claw the eyes out of the server who
she claimed skimped on her sprinkles, I began to
regret having stopped for a treat at Drama Queen.
(Brad Simanek)
I wanted to start off the new year with
a bang, but the wife said she had a headache.
(Wiley)
I used to try a lot of different sports
when I was a kid, without ever excelling
in any particular one. Then I got older
and realized you can *buy* trophies.
Now I'm good at everything.
(Darryl)
I often wish I had a time machine, if for no
other reason than to go back to the invention
of the automatic hand-dryer and lay claim to being
the first one to scuff the label to read "Push Butt."
(Brad Simanek)
My girlfriend is incredibly self-absorbed.
The good thing is that she saves
a bundle on sanitary napkins.
(Ernest Gunn)
© 1998-2008. All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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