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Ruminations Archives
2002
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2003
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2004
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2005
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2006
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2007
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2008
You reach my age and you start to believe your
chance to be cool has passed you by. Then you see
some guy in a tattered overcoat washing car windows
for change and you think, "Hey, I could do that!"
(Tidewater Joe)
I don't think it's right to accuse me of
lacking confidence just because I walk
eight batters to get to the opposing pitcher.
(Walter Means)
When I turned 40, I decided to clean up
my act and gave up drinking and smoking.
Man, it was tough -- there's no way I'd have
gotten through that period without my heroin.
(Kevin Freels)
I look to nature to find which diets actually work.
I suggest the squirrel diet, because you almost
never see a fat squirrel. It's easy: Just lose
99 percent of the food you hid around the house.
(Carolyn Mansager)
I wonder if the clothing and shoe
factories of Southeast Asia ever
have "Take Your Parents to Work Day."
(Paul B.)
When my sister takes her kid to the mall,
she puts him on one of those kiddie leashes
so he doesn't get lost. How creepy is that?
Personally, I think he'd be much safer and
happier if she left him at home in his crate.
(Dan, the crazy Croat)
I wonder why Mexico makes such a big
deal about Cinco de Mayo. I mean,
who *hasn't* defeated the French?
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
The U.S. Treasury has redesigned the $20 bill
twice, yet never bothered with the $1 bill
because its denomination is considered not worth
counterfeiting. Personally, I think they're
overlooking the crucial strip-club factor.
(Kirk Eisenbeis)
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle is very
well named. Despite my physics professors
having explained it to me dozens of times,
I'm still not sure what it's all about.
(Paul B.)
It's great that the letters in Jim
Morrison's name can be rearranged
into a cool nickname: "Mr. Mojo Risin'."
My friend Bart Enos is stuck with "Bear Snot."
(Doug Sykes)
I wonder if the illegal aliens living in the
US find all these "Earth Day" celebrations
to be exclusionary and somewhat insensitive
to beings from their own home planets.
(Steve Bacon)
If "freedom" is just another word for "nothin'
left to lose," I wonder if Kris Kristofferson
can find a cooler word for my situation, too,
because "kleptomania" is just so clumsy.
(Brad Simanek)
A wise saying in a trying moment is like
bread during a famine: Better keep it to
yourself, or people will tear you apart.
(The Covert Comic)
There goes my baby... walkin' on down the line.
Of course, had Sam Cooke understood that in
Euclidean geometry, a line is an infinite
succession of points and that he would likely
never see his baby again, he might have
reconsidered his lyrics. Another forceful
case for erasing math illiteracy in the USA.
(William Fordes)
A wise saying in a trying moment is like
bread during a famine: Better keep it to
yourself, or people will tear you apart.
(The Covert Comic)
There goes my baby... walkin' on down the line.
Of course, had Sam Cooke understood that in
Euclidean geometry, a line is an infinite
succession of points and that he would likely
never see his baby again, he might have
reconsidered his lyrics. Another forceful
case for erasing math illiteracy in the USA.
(William Fordes)
Visiting a bordello builds character and toughness.
I say this thinking of the advice my friend gave
me: "If you fall off a whore, get right back on."
Oh, and quickly too, or you'll have to pay again.
(Paul Totman)
I think there is nothing sadder than
a crying clown -- unless the clown is
crying because he got hit in the crotch
with a football, which would be hilarious.
(Brad Wilkerson)
With pilot-buying season coming up, I'm
hoping CBS will greenlight "CSI: Boise,"
because I relish the idea of seeing someone
hacked to death over a stolen lawn gnome.
(Brad Simanek)
I saw a quote that said:
"Don't say you don't have time.
You have as much time as Albert
Einstein or Thomas Edison did."
Yeah, but they were smarter than I am.
(David Shaffer)
I'll bet the best thing about having your
hand cut off is when you're arguing with
somebody and you say, "Talk to the hook."
(Bob Van Voris)
Some people think I'm paranoid, but you
never know when a rearview mirror on
your stationary bike will come in handy.
(Stevie L.)
Great! After weathering the screening process
required to join the polygamist sect, the elders
decide to stick me with *one* wife who happens
to have multiple personality disorder.
(Sib Mandrake)
I think time is crucial to anything.
For example, if you lock an infinite number
of monkeys in a room with those typewriters,
but you limit the amount of time they have
to write, the best you'll get out of them
is the pilot to "The Dukes of Hazzard."
(Doug Sykes)
If we don't carefully conserve our
valuable cheap joke reserves, soon we'll
find they've gone the way of the dildo.
(Travis Ruetenik)
During long-ago times when pirates
raided the high seas, I'd imagine only
the kinkiest and most masochistic of
prostitutes would be known as "hookers."
(Brad Simanek)
One advantage of our entire class Of 1978
failing math is that we can pretty much
show up at any class reunions we choose.
(Jerry L. Embry)
Man, they are so strict at my new job.
It's constantly: "No personal calls,"
"Don't surf the Web," "Put your pants back on."
I mean, who can work in an environment like that?
(Brad Wilkerson)
I can sit and watch my cat play with
a ball of string for hours. It takes
so little to amuse his tiny brain!
(Lee Entrekin)
When I awoke in a puddle of my own vomit
after a night of Halloween candy binging,
I suddenly realized why no one would
ever market creamed-style candy corn.
(Stephanie Thompson)
The optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says it is half empty.
The nurse says, "Just shut up and finish
filling the bottle so we can do your drug test."
(Paul B.)
They just busted a prostitution ring
that was run from an auto junkyard.
I'll bet they had a self-service area
where you could pull your own parts.
(Lili VonSchtupp)
Until HR helped me clear things up, I had
always assumed the sexual harassment clock
didn't start until *after* the job interview.
(Sib Mandrake)
I was sitting in my kitchen last night when
I realized that if the next pope is a really
tall guy, his pope hat will brush the
ceiling if he ever comes to visit me.
(Kamooka)
A bad day of skydiving is better than...
No, come to think of it, a bad day of skydiving
could be *really* bad. Okay then, a bad day
of skydiving that's not so bad as to involve
ambulances is better than a good day at work.
(Chuck Bonner)
I don't like to tell potential employers
I was downsized from my last job, because
that makes me seem like a loser who couldn't
adapt to the changing business environment.
So I tell them instead that I quit to
spend more quality time with my kitty cats.
(Andrea Crain)
Whenever I see that painting "The Scream,"
I try to imagine that the man is wearing
earphones and singing, because that
way it looks like he's having fun.
(The Covert Comic)
I'm not on the award committee or anything, but
I can pretty much guarantee a Nobel Prize to any
scientist who makes cauliflower taste like bacon.
(Brad Wilkerson)
Well, I killed my own grandfather and
here I am! Guess there's no paradox
when time travel isn't involved.
(Andrew Kennedy)
If I were that famed limerick guy from
Nantucket, I'd have made a lucrative career
for myself in the adult entertainment industry.
But I'd probably still do that other thing, too.
(Allen Lindsey)
While not well documented, I'd imagine
there has to be *someone* of renown whose
famous last words were "OHHHHH SHIT!!!"
(Brad Simanek)
Women are hard to figure out. They love lingerie
and they love garage sales, but they don't seem
to like getting garage-sale lingerie as a gift.
(Brad Osberg)
It's been said that power is the greatest
aphrodisiac. It's true, women love guys
who have power. They also seem to enjoy
running water and central heating.
(Anthony Myers)
This year, my resolution is for my neighbor
to lose 30 pounds. That way, come next
January, *he's* the slob with no willpower.
(Brad Osberg)
I can't decide who's the bigger geek, the
person who used "FF0000" for the vanity plate
on their red car, or me because I knew that
FF0000 is the hexadecimal value for red.
(Bill Hewins)
They don't really want us to know it, but I'm
sure that companies that design bathroom
fixtures all have at least one guy whose job
is to design fake poo for testing purposes.
(Travis Ruetenik)
Apparently "resisting the urge to unleash vengeful
wrath on my co-workers" is not something the
employee review team deems a valid coming-year goal.
(Brad Simanek)
Be careful if you flip the bird to a
proctologist: You might be inadvertently
giving him the secret fraternal high sign.
(Walter Means)
"TEIAM" -- problem solved!
(Steve Bacon)
Some aspects of the Bible I find a little troubling.
For instance, if Jesus truly believed in non-violence,
why did he destroy the Death Star?
(The Covert Comic)
I just joined a new fast-audio book club.
We listen to standard audio books, but save
time by just fast-forwarding through them to
the end. I finished "The Great Gatsby" in 20
minutes. It's an extremely overrated novel
about a lot of high-pitched chirping noises.
(Anthony Myers)
Self-defense tip: If you're ever about
to be mugged by a couple of clowns,
don't hesitate -- go for the juggler.
(Lee Entrekin)
The pay isn't very good, but I sure
have a lot of free time in my job
as publicity director for Fight Club.
(Bob Van Voris)
If I had a time machine, I would use it for the
benefit of others more needy than myself --
like standing outside a movie theater until
I heard someone say, "*There's* two hours of
my life I'll never get back!" and I'd interject,
"Well, have I got a deal for you!"
(Brad Simanek)
It's amazing Larry, Moe and Curly remained
friends all those years. If one on my friends
kept hitting me with a hammer on purpose,
I'd likely stop hanging out with him.
(Anthony Myers)
I've never left my heart in San Francisco.
However, I did once leave some toenail clippings
outside the Topeka Greyhound station.
(Lev L. Spiro)
If aliens landed in my yard today and said,
"Take me to your leader," I'd probably refuse.
Not to protect the president, mind you, but
because I'd be too embarrassed to admit to an
advanced civilization that we elected this guy.
(Paul B.)
I think I learned a couple of valuable life
lessons that night. One: The old adage about
setting your sights on something and just grabbing
for it doesn't necessarily apply in strip clubs.
Two: Metal toilets are cold.
(Tristan Fabriani)
When I play with kids, instead of saying,
"Got your nose!" I say, "Got your appendix!"
That way, they can't prove you wrong with
a mirror -- and if you accidentally really
took it, they'd probably be okay.
(Scott Charles, Sr.)
I went running today during my lunch break.
It's good for the heart and helps keep my
weight under control, unlike those tubby bank
security guards who couldn't keep up with me.
(Alan Bland)
The problem with my wife and I sharing
a wireless Internet connection is that I'll
often get notices from our service provider
telling me that someone else is logging on
to our account... FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!
(Brad Simanek)
I have some JPGs of Britney Spears dancing naked.
Except she's not naked -- she's wearing a grubby
bathrobe, and she's not dancing -- she's eating
oatmeal, and she's not Britney Spears -- she's me.
(James Knowles)
It never fails: Whenever I try to get romantic
with a woman, I always start crying uncontrollably.
I guess pepper spray will do that to ya.
(Paul B.)
I hate cargo pants, mainly because of the name.
I don't really need that constant reminder that
my ass is big enough to be shipped as freight.
(Scott E. Frank)
My grandfather lived to be over 100 years old,
but I still feel that in an important way he
died too soon. If he could have waited until
later in the week, I could've used the funeral
to string together a three day weekend.
(Anthony Myers)
Live each moment as if it were your last.
Life becomes more enjoyable if
you think you're about to die.
(Tom Sims)
I think math class should teach us useful skills,
like how this small, round cardboard tube would be
half full of toilet paper right now if I had just
coughed up a few cents more for the double roll.
(Mixmaven)
All these advertisements and commercials
confuse me. Here I was thinking the
burning sensation when I urinated
just meant my shampoo was working.
(George MacMillan)
The second rule of Fight Club is: Don't
whistle songs from "The Sound of Music."
(Bob Van Voris)
I think a really cool thing for blind people
would be talking warning signs. The drawback
would be the resulting explosion of the blind
population due to a lack of natural predators.
(Travis Gray)
I bellied up to the bar and ordered a double
Jack and Coke. Before I even took a sip,
I was so happy that I started jumping up
a down and spilled it all over the bar.
Seems I suffer from premature Jack elation.
(Steve Bacon)
I used to think my older sister was possessed
by a demon, what with all the levitating,
growling voices and head-spinning. But then my
parents explained that whole PMS thing to me.
(Kevin Wickart)
I just read that the saline in breast implants
is recycled. I wear contact lenses, so if
this report is true, it means my sex life
may actually be a lot better than I thought.
(The Covert Comic)
The oyster is but a shell that conceals
the pearl within. And oyster guts.
(Michael Sheinbaum)
My parents always said I'd end up
unemployed and living in their basement.
Well, I guess I showed them! By the way,
thanks for the cookies and milk, Aunt Mary!
(Mystic7)
The other day as I was stopped at a traffic light,
the guy in front of me jumped out of his car and
started pounding on my hood, screaming about
how the ointment wasn't working. The cops who
dragged him away told me it wasn't my fault -- it
was just another senseless incident of 'roid rage.
(Brad Wilkerson)
You know, you can say what you like about the
Amish. That's my favorite thing about them.
(Anthony Myers)
The warmth and comfort I feel when I wear
my aviator jacket on cold winter days is
just enough to tip the balance away from
the guilt I feel over those poor aviators
who were killed for their pelts.
(Brad Hamer)
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
*Absolut* power, on the other hand, foolishly makes
you believe there will be no repercussions for punching
out your boss after that five-vodka-martini lunch.
(Brad Simanek)
Sometimes when I'm in a difficult situation I ask,
"What Would Jesus Do?" And always a little voice
inside me answers, "Well, he probably wouldn't try
to cram *another* corpse into the crawl-space, moron."
(Brad Wilkerson)
You really can learn things in Lamaze
classes. I learned that just because a
video has a naked lady in it doesn't mean
that my "bawm-chick-a-bamp bamp" song is going
to automatically get a laugh out of the room.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I'd like to send a picture of myself
to some distant star, thousands of
light-years away, because by the time
the aliens realize I'm mooning them,
I'll have been dead for centuries.
(Jeffrey Lampert)
I think the very definition of "one of those
days" is when you start your morning by mixing
up your contacts with your electric shaver.
(Brad Simanek)
If a company's most valuable resource is its
people, how come the employees aren't locked
up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced
steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?
(Mark Severin)
I wonder if before 007 was issued his license
to kill, he had a learner's permit to kill.
Because that would be pretty embarrassing
to have to have an older agent accompany
you every time you have to shoot someone.
(Dangermouse)
When I got arrested, they told me,
"Anything you say will be held against you."
I said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."
(The Covert Comic)
Personally, I don't consider it all that strange
to find a sexy message from "A Secret Lover"
in my bulk e-mail folder. But that's probably
because whenever I get a sexy message from
my wife, she sends it via bulk e-mail, too.
(The Covert Comic)
We live in a dangerous world, and I guess
we all will have to adjust to the idea of
giving up some freedoms and dealing with a
heightened level of security. Well, at least
according to that Dunkin' Donuts cashier who
strip-searched my wife this morning, we do.
(Brad Wilkerson)
I love the nightlife. I got to boogie.
But apparently the minister believes those
needs don't meet his lofty standards for
"reasons why this couple should not be wed."
(Brad Simanek)
My life kind of resembles Forrest Gump's life,
except that I haven't met any famous people, struck
it rich or had any major accomplishments.
I guess all I'm saying is that I, too, once drank
so much Dr. Pepper that I had to pee really bad.
(Doug Sykes)
In an impulse of passion, I said to her,
"Give me your lips, right this moment!"
But when she removed them and threw them
to me, it occurred to me that dating Miss
Potato Head would require some adjustments.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
If there's one thing I've learned in my
10 years of working in a law firm, it's
that there's never a good time to say,
"Lick me, law-boy!" to the managing partner.
(Allen Lindsey)
I think they should put one-way aisles
in grocery stores. It would really improve
the flow of traffic, although it would no
doubt be embarrassing if your friends saw
you getting ticketed by the dairy clerk.
(Jenn McNanna)
Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see
the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a
quick catnap at work. They never last very long,
though, because invariably someone rings the
bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
(Brad Wilkerson)
Is there anything stupider than paparazzi
shooting pictures of Britney Spears while she
leaves her car in a mall parking lot and walks
into some lame J. Crew store, buys something she
doesn't need and then goes back to her car, glumly
driving away with some unknown leech of a man
who is nothing more than this month's anointed
hanger-on? Well, stupider than watching it all
on YouTube? Or stupider that watching it on
YouTube, then writing a Rumination about it?
(Big Dog Dano)
Just remember: If it weren't for animal
testing, we wouldn't know that animal
testing can be harmful to animals.
(The Covert Comic)
The automakers' names for their trucks are
all very macho-sounding: Titan, Silverado,
Ram, Tundra, Sierra, etc. That's why I don't
understand why Chevy wasn't interested in
my concept for the Chevy Smokin' Skidmark.
(Ron Arol)
How many times does the world's
oldest man have to die before somebody
takes this crisis seriously?!!
(Steve Maxon)
If GOP candidate Mike Huckabee's is elected president,
he plans to build a fence to keep the aliens out of the
U.S. Maybe I'm the moron here, but it seems that once
you manage to traverse the entire galaxy, it's unlikely
that eight feet of chain link is going to stop you.
(Steve Bacon)
Since I was born with only four fingers, I'd
like to marry someone else who has the same
number of fingers as I do. I mean, besides
a drunk carpenter or a kid with a buzz saw.
(Steph Mirsky)
Oh, look, it's a little Bill Clinton head!
Smells like cheeseburger! Ah, Teddy Roosevelt.
The Square Deal tastes like cherry, I guess.
And JFK! How in the world do they get
that detail in a little piece of candy?
Man, these Prez dispensers are great!
(Kristian Idol)
Hangovers are temporary; memories
are forever. Unless you were too
drunk to remember them, that is.
(Brian Tobin)
You'd have to think the worst thing about
being one of those dudes that get paid to
hold up signs is knowing that at any moment,
you could lose your job to a stick or a staple.
(Steve Bacon)
I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met
a man in an Amsterdam brothel with a diaper
on and a rubber chicken on his head, who was
the victim of a botched sex-change operation in
a Tijuana prison. That pretty much shut me up.
(John H. Crocker)
If I grind too far, it breaks; but if
I don't grind enough, I cannot write.
There's something really Buddhist
about this damn pencil sharpener.
(Travis Ruetenik)
Infomercials should only be viewed between 3 a.m.
and 6 a.m. That's when you're desperate for sleep
and watching George Foreman grill meat somehow
makes sense on a higher metaphysical plane.
(JerseyTomato)
A dead camel with two humps may
be in the shape of a heart,
but it makes a poor Valentine.
(Chris Lipe)
I would be completely happy to just
live in my dreams, if it weren't for my
girlfriend repeatedly changing into Hitler.
No, wait a minute -- that's my real life.
(Kristian Idol)
If I'm to believe Occam's Razor -- that all
things being equal, the most obvious answer
is usually the correct answer -- then I must
sadly admit that all spammers probably don't
share the exact same name and email address as
my wife, and that all those "male enlargement"
spam messages are actually from my wife.
(Steve Bacon)
My new co-workers at the slaughterhouse have
been great, patiently showing me the ropes without
any of the hazing I'd feared. I will say, though,
that I hope the Testicle Fairy visits soon,
because my pillow is starting to smell awful.
(Brad Simanek)
Eskimo kisses are nice and French kisses
are lots of fun, but you might want
to think twice before combining them.
(Sebastian Pivnicka)
The strange irony is that my mother told
me there'd be days like this -- including
the bit about the man in the tinfoil hat
groping himself on the subway platform.
(David Gunter)
Barring a rash of immaculate conceptions,
you've got to think we're on our last generation
of on-line gamers and role playing geeks.
(Steve Bacon)
Wouldn't it be great if pharmacies had people
handing out samples like they do at the supermarket?
I guess the drug companies just aren't as
market-savvy as those pork rind people.
(Brad Osberg)
Nursery rhymes are crucial in aiding young
children to make sense of life's baffling
complexities. I mean, who'd want their kid
freaking out every time they see a weasel
spontaneously combust while fleeing from
a mulberry-bush-orbiting monkey?
(Larry Hollister)
All sunglasses, no matter how expensive,
pretty much look the same after you sit on them.
(Ivy Rosier)
It's a shame that whether or not I had a good
Christmas will mostly be determined by whether
the world ends before I receive my credit card bill.
(Phil Garding)
Thomas Wolfe was wrong, you *can* go home again.
In fact, sometimes it's strongly encouraged,
like when you forget to wear pants to work.
(The Covert Comic)
Note to employees: The statement
"Think outside the box" does *not*
constitute permission to leave it.
(The Covert Comic)
Every time I look in my mirror I appear to be 30
pounds heavier and eight inches shorter. That's
the last time I buy used furniture at the carnival.
(Lil Owens)
I began to suspect that something was
very wrong when the time management
seminar went into its third week.
(Dave Henry)
As the nurse unwrapped the bandages, I was
horrified to discover I now looked like
Tom Wopat. That quack plastic surgeon must
have given me Luke-tox injections by mistake.
(Brad Simanek)
If this whole Heath Ledger tragedy has taught
me anything, it's that I'm not the only one
who makes numerous inappropriate calls to
Mary-Kate Olsen with a dead body in the room.
(Brad Simanek)
And so I left Cape Canaveral wiser than I had arrived.
Maybe I hadn't gotten Jeff Gordon's autograph, but I
had learned that NASA and NASCAR are not the same thing,
and in the long run, that was probably more valuable.
(Brad Wilkerson)
I used to enjoy taking afternoon vacations
in my mind, but I eventually got lazy and
the service at my mental resort went downhill.
So I stopped tipping, but now I suspect that
I've begun spitting in my drinks to get even.
(Phil Garding)
I was helping my 9-year-old daughter do research
for her book report on horseback riding for kids.
So I Googled the following: "pony, ride, under age 18."
... and I swear that's the truth, Your Honor.
(The Covert Comic)
I try to not sweat the small stuff.
My pores are so damn big it oozes
out in unpleasantly large chunks.
(Brad Simanek)
Considering its primary use in a vehicle, I think
they should rename it "the most junk not including
gloves I can cram into the smallest possible area
and still close the damn door" compartment.
(Tom Sims)
I kept hanging flyers all over the
campus, but no one ever came to our shows.
In hindsight, our band probably could have
come up with a better name than Lost Dog.
(Paul B.)
I would think that when God needs a break
from the pressure of running the universe,
He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets
to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.
(Brad Simanek)
I kept hanging flyers all over the
campus, but no one ever came to our shows.
In hindsight, our band probably could have
come up with a better name than Lost Dog.
(Paul B.)
I would think that when God needs a break
from the pressure of running the universe,
He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets
to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.
(Brad Simanek)
The great thing about convincing mimes
to join Fight Club -- besides totally
beating their asses -- is knowing
they'll never break rules 1 and 2.
(Brad Simanek)
I love fajitas.
Unfortunately, they make me fajart.
(Steve Biddle)
If you possess super powers, I guess I can
understand wearing a bright red, blue and
yellow jumpsuit with a large "S" on it.
But to wear a big red cape, too? That starts
to look like you're trying to rub it in.
(The Covert Comic)
Football is a game of inches
-- much like naked limbo.
(Tom Sims)
When it comes down to it, it's the little
thongs in life that makes it all worthwhile.
(Jerry L. Embry)
To get into better shape, I treated myself to a
new piece of exercise equipment. It looks real
pretty with my name and address on it, but the
paper cuts are killing me. I guess I should have
done more research before getting a stationery bike.
(Lil Owens)
People are often taken aback when I, a man,
describe myself as having a girlish figure.
Hey, with my man-boobs and huge belly, I look
just like my eight-months pregnant neighbor.
(Mark Spence)
Those bastards at the dating service rejected my
application because the three adjectives I chose
to describe myself were "intense," "trigger-happy"
and "loner." Oh, wait... silly me: "Loner"
is a noun! Well, *that* explains it.
(Brad Hamer)
Just as I was about to slip some more company pens and
note pads into my pocket, that small inner voice stopped
me, saying, "Jerry, don't do that. It's wrong." Then it
added, "Why don't you kill everybody here instead?"
(Jerry L. Embry)
My big fantasy is being a pizza delivery boy
making a delivery to a mansion where a porn
film is being shot and arriving at the location
at precisely the same moment as the actor
playing the role of the pizza-delivery boy.
(Siva Kumar)
My grandmother taught my mother how to drive,
and she, in turn, taught me. Luckily, my mother
didn't also pass down the knowledge of how to
get pregnant in the back seat, because some
family traditions should just fade away.
(Jenn McNanna)
If you can stay married to Bill Clinton, is
there anything you can't do? On the other hand,
if you're willing to stay married to Bill
Clinton, is there anything you *won't* do?
(The Covert Comic)
I always felt those Farm Aid concerts were
an awesome idea because I know first-hand
how tough it is being a small farmer these
days -- especially when the DEA keeps
burning your crop before you can harvest.
(Edwin Ball)
No matter how much joy juice Bob drank
at the company party, he couldn't crack
a smile, even once, because he had a
secret: Bob was laughtose intolerant.
(Paul Ellis)
I regret that I have but
one life to give towards
avoidance of military duty.
(Tom Sims)
I finally went on an excursion with Celebrity
Cruise Lines, and there was a whole lot less
drunken hoohah-flashing than I'd hoped for.
(Sib Mandrake)
I sometimes imagine myself as a cold-blooded
python with massive rippling muscles, capable of
suffocating and devouring large prey, yet burdened
with a tiny brain. Occasionally it can be healthy
for me to get in touch with my inner pro wrestler.
(Brad Hamer)
I like how my new doctor knocks before he enters
the exam room when I'm in there. Because of his
thoughtfulness, I may never get caught boosting
drug samples and hypodermic needles again.
(Miles Walker)
Interesting bit of cultural trivia:
The literal translation of the Japanese word
"karaoke" is: "look like a friggin' idiot."
(The Covert Comic)
This nanosecond is the first
nanosecond of the rest of... Damn!
I *still* can't say it fast enough!
(The Covert Comic)
Why is it that every single place
I go smells like boogers?
(Damon Milhem)
Sometimes I wonder what it will be like
when the aliens come to take us all away.
Most likely we'll be just outside Earth's
atmosphere when some stupid douche will start
wailing about his needing to use the bathroom.
(Brad Simanek)
Many believe that sarcasm is the lowest
form of wit. Yeah, like *that's* true.
(Rob Simpson)
If I could be anyone in history, I'd want to
be Alexander Graham Bell's assistant, Thomas
Watson. That way, when Bell made that historic
first phone call and uttered his famous words,
"Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you,"
I could have said, "May I ask who's calling?"
(Wayne Lloyd)
As the screaming woman in front of me lunged
through the small opening in the Plexiglas,
trying to claw the eyes out of the server who
she claimed skimped on her sprinkles, I began to
regret having stopped for a treat at Drama Queen.
(Brad Simanek)
I wanted to start off the new year with
a bang, but the wife said she had a headache.
(Wiley)
I used to try a lot of different sports
when I was a kid, without ever excelling
in any particular one. Then I got older
and realized you can *buy* trophies.
Now I'm good at everything.
(Darryl)
I often wish I had a time machine, if for no
other reason than to go back to the invention
of the automatic hand-dryer and lay claim to being
the first one to scuff the label to read "Push Butt."
(Brad Simanek)
My girlfriend is incredibly self-absorbed.
The good thing is that she saves
a bundle on sanitary napkins.
(Ernest Gunn)
© 1998-2008. All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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