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Ruminations Archives
2002
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2003
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2004
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2005
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2006
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2007
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2008
They say the truth will set you free.
Just be sure there aren't any cops
within earshot when you try this one out.
(Paul B.)
I'd say the worst part of starting a brand new
relationship is discovering she lives in a place
with a spiral staircase and then having to dump
her. Like hell I'm gonna someday have to
move a queen bed or armoire down that thing.
(Mark D. Sabien)
Attention, working men! The national research project
to determine whether work gloves will fly out of the
open bed of a moving pickup truck has now concluded.
Please resume storing your gloves in the cab of
your truck when driving, and thank you for your
participation in this important and valuable study.
(The Covert Comic)
I'll bet more kids would sign up for the debate
team in high school if they only knew how vital it
would be in kicking total ASS during lunch-hour pop
culture arguments in the Best Buy breakroom someday.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I turned around and the ship was being stormed
by thieves, though all they stole was the ship's
collection of fine wine. Apparently, we we're
the latest to be attacked by sommelier pirates.
(Bryan Cox)
If I ever have a daughter, I won't let her
play with Barbie dolls because I think they
create unrealistic body images for girls.
In the real world, what are the odds
that a young girl will ever grow up to
be only eleven and a half inches tall?
(Anthony Myers)
When God closes a door, he opens a window.
When God farts, he opens two windows,
for the cross-ventilation effect.
(Bob Van Voris)
At this point Pope John Paul II's
beatification looks pretty much assured --
barring allegations of steroid use, of course.
(The Covert Comic)
Please give generously to the
Keep "We Are the World" From Getting
Stuck in Travis' Head Foundation.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I think a cool reality cross-over show would be
"Survivor: Biggest Loser." Sure, you might tire of
the intensified complaining as there would be no
trainers or structured workouts to keep the overweight
contestant occupied, but things would really heat up by
day 10 when they start killing each other for food.
(Mark D. Sabien)
Oh, come on -- I can't possibly be the
only person ever expelled from Farmville
for playing with sheep in *that* way.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
The most tragic part of J.D. Salinger's passing
is that disaffected curmudgeons now no longer
have someone at whom they can point and say,
"Well, at least I'm not *that* much of a dick."
(Mark D. Sabien)
Einstein said, "God doesn't play dice with
the universe." It's true -- he's too smart
and knows the house odds are just too high.
He mostly sticks with Blackjack and Baccarat.
(Anthony Myers)
The first 30 years of my life, I was intense
and results-driven. In my current 30, I am more
circumspect and purpose-driven. I suppose my next
30 will likely find me arthritic and Rascal-driven.
(Carl Knorr)
Women can be so damned picky. How was I
supposed to know the chocolate hearts she
wanted for Valentine's Day were 100% chocolate
and not just chocolate-filled *actual* hearts?
(Gene Gauthier)
Every day I wake up, it gives me comfort to
realize that there's at least one thing upon
which all faiths and creeds around the world
can agree: There are serious and obvious
flaws in all religions except their own.
(Michael Cunningham)
If you're ever invited to a NAMBLA Halloween
party, a good idea for a costume would
be to go as Dateline NBC's Chris Hanson.
(Mark D. Sabien)
We all have regrets from time to time.
I'm sure one day I'll be lying on my deathbed
wishing that I had just spent the extra money
to get some other, better kind of bed.
(Anthony Myers)
When my boss brags about her clothes, she's all
like, "This scarf took 18 months to weave from
solid platinum. Three sherpas lost their lives."
When I brag about my clothes, I'm all like, "These
pants was already in the dollar bucket, but they
gave me half off on account of a goat puked on them."
(Travis Ruetenik)
If you're flying somewhere, don't even think
about sitting next to the pilot. Not only is
that seat reserved for the co-pilot, but yelling
"Shotgun!" in an airport pretty much guarantees
they're not going to let you on the plane.
(Anthony Myers)
Behind every successful man is
a strong woman, except for the man
who invented that talking sex robot.
(Chuck Bonner)
When I was a little kid we had a hamster.
One day the hamster ate its newborn babies.
That was pretty gross, so we decided to just
go ahead and get rid of it. We took it down
the road and left it to fend for itself.
It was a great lesson for a kid to learn,
because I knew what to do 12 years later when
the exact same thing happened with my sister.
(Anthony Myers)
I think it would be cool if they came
out with an "Extreme Wonderbra," where
guys would never know beforehand what was
behind it -- like a wolverine or a pizza.
(Mark D. Sabien)
When I went to leave my house today, there
were so many birds outside that it was
really scary, like an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
I can't think of which one, though.
(Wiley)
It's not a loophole -- it's a policy
flexibility assurance aperture.
(The Covert Comic)
I cried when I had no shoes,
until I met a man with only one
leg at an ass-kicking contest.
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
My wife told me she'd like to be completely
pampered for Valentine's Day, and I'll do my best
to oblige. I only hope she's okay with the fact
that in her size, I could only find Depends.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I wish they'd taught abstinence back when
I was in school. I was so good at not getting
laid back then, I would have screwed up the
grading curve for the rest of the class.
(Anthony Myers)
It's dogs! Iams ProActive
Soylent Health Formula is DOGS!
(Travis Ruetenik)
How does that debt counseling service
think they're going to convince me they're
legit if they won't accept credit cards?
(The Covert Comic)
I decided to freeze my sperm for use by future
generations should male fertility be destroyed
by alien plagues. Unfortunately, neither the cop
nor the 7-Eleven manager thought that was a valid
reason for my 'nads to be in the slushy machine.
(James Knowles)
Prediction for 2010: The states of New York and
New Jersey will merge and be called New Jerk.
(The Covert Comic)
For me, the best part of waking up is
knowing I can afford to go to Starbucks
and not have to drink that Folgers crap.
(Ian Dauphinee)
I'm in a group that does Cold War reenactments.
It's pretty easy -- all you have to do is
sit around and look worried about the USSR.
(Anthony Myers)
What a bargain this invisible fencing is.
It even came with an invisible dog!
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
Contrary to what my mom says, I don't lack
ambition. I've already made plans to be buried
with a shotgun and a box of shells so that
someday I'll be the most badass zombie EVER.
(Anthony Myers)
What I like best about being a dad
is no longer being the initial
suspect when the room smells like poo.
(Brad Simanek)
After the ear-piercing shrieking, curse-laden
insults and vicious personal attack, I realized
too late that I had mistakenly ordered a Harpy Meal.
(Wiley)
I have a very mild form of bulimia.
After a big meal, I often sneak off by
myself and intentionally drool a lot.
(Anthony Myers)
I tried making Grandpa's funeral fun by having him
dressed in a clown suit. Nobody appreciated it, though.
Was it his oversized shoes, his flower that squirted
water at the mourners, or my constantly beeping that big,
irresistible red nose that caused such a disturbance?
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
Memo to self: Stop addressing little notes
as "Memo to Self." It's not necessary and
wastes time, as you're in all likelihood
able to recognize your own handwriting.
(Anthony Myers)
What is it with hairdressers and
CIA mind-control conspiracy theories?
Every beauty shop I walk past, they're
putting tinfoil in their customers' hair.
(Jan L)
Santa came *this* close to getting my Christmas wish
exactly right! There I was at the Playboy Mansion,
hangin' at the grotto with a bunch of naked primates.
(Wayne Lloyd)
Everyone seemed to enjoy their annual
Christmas letters from me this year.
I didn't receive nearly as many angry reactions
as I did from last year's "F" and "U."
(Brad Simanek)
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
Or a time machine that will take me back to
before all those tequila shots made me attempt
to introduce myself to that stripper and
subsequently fall face-first into the pole.
(Brad Simanek)
Women say they want a man who is educated
and has a sense of humor, but neither is true.
My wife was several months pregnant with our
first child and we were making careful love
when I shouted, "From hell's heart I stab at
thee, ye damned whale!" Not only did she not
appreciate the Melville reference or the humor
based on juxtaposition of unlike situations,
she now refuses to talk about any subjects
other than alimony and visitation restrictions.
(Michael Cunningham)
The way to a zombie's heart is through
his stomach, by way of your skull.
(Brad Simanek)
I hate clowns. I hate their moronic antics.
I hate the stupid music that accompanies their
acts. I hate they way they gyrate their oiled-up
bodies in front of me. I hate-- um, wait a second...
it's male strippers I hate. I *love* clowns.
(Kim Stewart)
That Mensa Boot Camp was really tough. I mean,
no one likes to wake before dawn with some
geeky drill instructor screaming "Awright, you
phytophagous Deliae Ineptifrons, levitate and radiate!"
(Lee Entrekin)
I think Stephen Stills perfectly summed up my
take on mahogany: "If you can't be with the wood
you love, honey, carve the one you're with."
(Brad Simanek)
The fact of the matter is that after Monday
and Tuesday, even the *calendar* says W T F!
(John Schmidt)
I should probably have specified "movie-watching room"
rather than "theater room" when talking to the home
builder, because now were stuck in the middle of a
six-month revival engagement of "Starlight Express."
(Brad Simanek)
Happiness is a tired cellmate.
(Brad Simanek)
Agents in airports keep asking if I have anything
on my person that can be used as a weapon.
What's that about? Have they ALL run out of ammo?
(Jan L.)
Doing two things half-assed is the approximate
equivalent of doing one thing ass-whole.
(The Covert Comic)
Is it a bad sign that I'm wrapping
Christmas gifts and the only colored ribbon
around the house is crime scene tape?
(Jan L.)
Is it a bad sign that I'm wrapping
Christmas gifts and the only colored ribbon
around the house is crime scene tape?
(Jan L.)
As an animal lover, I think dog fighting is evil
and cruel. I do have to admit, however, that Dog
Professional Wrestling has a lot of potential.
(Anthony Myers)
Unfortunately, my desire to avoid getting H1N1 flu,
seems to be outweighed by my instinct to stuff
my mouth with a fistful of reception-desk M&Ms.
(Brad Simanek)
Actually, I would think crawling
around looking for someone's eye would
be a pretty fun game in its own right.
(The Covert Comic)
The Center for Disease Control recommends singing
"Happy Birthday" twice as a timer while washing
your hands. So there I was at my favorite restaurant,
washing and singing, when the entire wait staff
crowded into the ladies' room and sang along with me.
Now I have head lice from the communal birthday hat
they plopped on my head and an eye infection from
all the wet, soapy hand-clapping. Thanks a LOT, CDC.
(Sandra Hull)
The worst part about that post-Thanksgiving dinner
nap isn't waking up in some border town with no shoes,
money or identification, but sensing things might have
been different if only *you* had won the wishbone pull.
(Brad Simanek)
In kindergarten, we spent weeks learning the
alphabet. I wasn't very good at it, so I got an
F when they tested us. At least they *told* me
it was an F -- I had no way of knowing for sure.
(Anthony Myers)
I don't like to name-drop or brag, but I've
been told by some of the biggest names in show
business that I've been part of a great audience.
(Anthony Myers)
I put a dollar in the bell ringer's bucket, but
instead of saying "thanks" she spit on me! That's
the last time I donate to the Salivation Army!
(Brad Simanek)
I love nothing more than getting up Saturday
mornings and just lounging around the house in
my boxers. And if you'd have carefully read the
fine print, Mr. and Mrs. Prissy, you'd see it says
exactly that on our bed-and-breakfast brochure.
(Brad Simanek)
I'm a little tea pot, short and
stout. Consequently, my brother
the beer keg gets all the chicks.
(Mike Ranston)
The big problem I have with Monday
mornings is they tend to ruin what
had been a heretofore promising week.
(Brad Simanek)
I haven't felt the caress of a human hand in ages
-- not since the toilet paper broke this morning.
Bryan Cox
Not only is child pornography immoral,
hurtful and wrong, I'll bet the kids
can't even hold the camera steady.
(The Covert Comic)
Forget yoga. You can never experience the
human body's full range of contortion until
you've walked face-first into a spider web.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I was just reminded that today is Veterans' Day.
Great, now what the hell am I supposed to do with the
PediPaws and bag of treats I bought for Rex's doctor?
(Brad Simanek)
I did a report on Chewbacca for my "Science
Fiction in Literature" Class, but my teacher
gave me an F on the grounds that my facts were
all wrong and sounded made up. That's what
I get for doing my research on Wookieepedia.
(Paul B.)
My curiosity was finally satisfied -- nay,
cruelly bludgeoned to death -- after I
sampled apple nog, saltine nog and trout nog.
(Brad Simanek)
Last night my wife confided to me that she
fantasizes about having sex in front of strangers.
I said, "Have I got great news for you!"
(The Covert Comic)
My wife said I was like a wild animal last
night. But in all honesty, it's probably
less about my sexual prowess and more about
how I tend to relieve myself wherever I want.
(Ken Foster)
The strongest case for arguing that women are
stronger than men comes down to one statistic:
There are fewer former nuns than there are
former priests. Actually, I don't know if that's
true or not, so maybe it's just that women
don't have to make sh*t up to win an argument.
(Brad Simanek)
I heard that the world is going to end
in 2012, because that's only as far as
the Mayan calendar goes. But the news
gets even worse: I checked MY calendar,
and it only goes to the end of this year!
(Wiley)
I think instead of berating me as "obsessively
anal-retentive," my wife should instead be
*grateful* to have a husband who would re-make
the bed for her while she got up to use
the bathroom in the middle of the night.
(Brad Simanek)
The best thing about Twitter's 140-character limit
is that it sometimes keeps profanity-prone me from
inadvertently inserting any unnecessary motherfu
(Brad Simanek)
If I'm correctly interpreting the TV commercials
I've been seeing, they say that if I switch my car
insurance to the little lizard, then switch over
to the perky, goofy brunette, then switch to the
black guy with the authoritative voice with whom
I'm in good hands, I'll save so much money that
I'll get a check in the mail every month for $427.
(Bernie Spencer)
As a child, while other boys were playing
with GI Joe action figures, I played with
what appeared to be a GI Joe action figure,
but in reality was a CIA Case Officer action
figure operating under military cover.
(The Covert Comic)
Okay, I've got the deuterium and the tritium.
Shall I fuse them to create Cold Fusion which would
solve mankind's energy needs, or shall I just blow
up the entire planet? In future ethics classes, this
is probably going to be known as "Maurizio's Dilemma."
If there ARE future ethics classes, of course.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
I signed up today to compete for the next crown
of "The Biggest Loser." And, hey, I learned I
might even lose some weight while I'm at it!
(Brad Simanek)
If the ladies really like a man in uniform,
they'll be swooning when they see me in my
snappy regulation orange prison jumpsuit.
(Kim Moser)
The good news: I finally broke through
the Glass Ceiling! The bad news:
Several women and minorities standing
below me were seriously injured.
(The Covert Comic)
My wife likes to spoon right after
I pork her. We call it sporking.
(Wiley)
My wife likes to spoon right after
I pork her. We call it sporking.
(Wiley)
I didn't think it was appropriate to order
"Better Than Sex" cake for my 2-year-old, so
we had them bring him a piece of "Better Than
Playing With Dinosaurs and Matchbox Cars" cake.
(Brad Simanek)
At CIA Headquarters they used to have
an original M.C. Escher staircase
drawing hanging in one of the hallways,
but they had to take it down because
people thought it was a floor map.
(The Covert Comic)
Now that Dave Thomas' "Wendy" is turning
40 years old, do those red braids make her a
MILF, or do they still make me a pedophile?
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
Now that Dave Thomas' "Wendy" is turning
40 years old, do those red braids make her a
MILF, or do they still make me a pedophile?
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
Tomorrow morning at sunrise
I'll be hung. Or is it hanged?
Great, now I'll be up all night.
(Jerry L. Embry)
Sure, they tell you that inside every
fat person is a thin person trying
to get out. What they don't tell
you is that every time he *does* get
out, the fat person eats him again.
(Mike Ranston)
If I were a cannibal, I would never eat a
club sandwich that would have me as a member.
(Brad Simanek)
Sometimes I feel like a CIA covert operations
officer trapped in a State Department diplomat's body.
Like right now, when I can't get this zipper open.
(The Covert Comic)
Aw, crap! I screwed up and donated
a kidney to the car foundation.
(Kendall Selk)
The worst part about getting divorced at the
outset of the Obama administration is that I
pine for nostalgic stories of my own "Bush era."
(Trenton Frulegh)
Every day I see a school bus parked at my
local bar. Seriously. That's so messed up!
It's a damn school bus! Do you know how
many parking spaces that bastard takes up?
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
In order to teach the world to sing in
perfect harmony, it will be necessary to
convert certain people to sopranos.
(The Covert Comic)
What kind of ungrateful two-year-old doesn't
find the time to set up a Facebook account and
send his dad some virtual birthday stripper flair?
(Brad Simanek)
I met a woman last night who said she would
take me to heaven for $50. Damn these religious
fanatics and their annoying fund-raising scams!
(Lee Entrekin)
There's no time like the present -- unless,
I suppose, you're unwrapping a clock.
(Brad Simanek)
I never know what kind of creep I'm going
to get on a blind date, so I always meet
them at the gun range for target practice.
It rarely ends in a second date, but at least
I can scratch them off my list of future stalkers.
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
I knew my date and I were not compatible after
our first glass of Bordeaux. He said it was
"before its prime, mellow, yet amusing with
a hint of cardamom and just-ripened cantaloupe."
I, however, wanted to shove the bottle up his ass.
(Jill Gallagher)
Hey, the Jumbotron simply said "make some
noise" -- it did *not* specify that said
noise need be a family-friendly one.
(Brad Simanek)
Okay, let's be reasonable: If your date
won't spend the evening sewing a Star Trek
tunic for your cat, what the hell good is she?
(James Knowles)
My dog killed yet another squirrel today.
It's really depressing when your pet's goals
in life are far more ambitious than your own.
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
If I ever participate in a Civil War reenactment, I want
to be the guy who sits on the crapper, dying of dysentery.
(Travis Ruetenik)
Nothing makes a sports-loving dad prouder
than hearing his son say he wants to grow
up to "hit that ball" -- until you discover
he's been non-stop watching "Cinderella."
(Brad Simanek)
Sometimes at work I hold a pen like it's
a gun, aim it carefully, then pretend to
shoot it at all the people in the office
who think I'm weird. But I usually just
end up drawing all over my face -- which
makes people in the office think I'm weird.
(Scott Griffin)
I checked the status of the La-Z-Boy recliner
I ordered online, and it read, "In process.
Kinda thinking about playing some 'Warcraft'
for awhile, then maybe take a little nap.
Can you reach that bag of Cheetos, brah?"
(Brad Simanek)
Notice to all those who thought I have
no life: Yesterday, I sent three tweets
to Facebook, videotaped myself doing that,
uploaded the clip to YouTube, then boasted
about it in Second Life. Beat that, losers.
(Maurizio Mariotti)
Fool me zero times, shame on nobody.
Fool me -(n) times, where
nA = {x e *I* | 0 < x = 1}, -(shame) on you.
(The Covert Comic)
You know you've had too much tequila
when the dust bunnies under the video
jukebox tell you to JUST STAY DOWN.
(Brad Simanek)
My wife really seems to like those bedroom
role-playing games. Unfortunately the only one
we ever play is "The Ice Queen and the Beggar."
(Donald Johnson)
So I forgot to tell the guy to first bait
his hook. I don't think I should be held
responsible for him starving to death.
(Jerry L. Embry)
If you ever cough up a lung, don't
try to suck it back in. I did, and
it just ended up in my other lung.
(Chris Irby)
So in Asia, I suppose people
who have absolutely no taste in
music listen to Country-Eastern.
(Ron Arol)
I bet it would be a good life being a fly.
Buzzing around merrily, throwing your cares
to the wind, happy as can be. Until mealtime.
(Travis Ruetenik)
Ladies: You kinda lose the whole "cougar"
aura when you start pairing the words
"erotic massage lotion" with "bunions."
(Brad Simanek)
I cried because I had no shoes, until my
stepfather started calling me "Princess"
and flicking lit cigarettes at my head.
(Chris Irby)
What a strange time we live in. After my
underage daughter told me she had sex on the
beach three times last night, I was actually
relieved to learn she only got wasted.
(Jim Woodruff)
You know you're a loser when the hot
chick you've been hitting on at the
bar tells you she's bisexual and that
you don't appeal to her *either* way.
(Jerry L. Embry)
Ever notice that there are some sentences
that no one lets you finish? For example:
"I was using your toddler as bait, and..."
(Jeffrey Ehrhart)
There was a time I was a breast and leg man,
but then I became an ass man as I got older,
which seemed to coincide with quitting KFC
for that job in the hot dog processing plant.
(Brad Simanek)
As Melvin the Magnificent started telling stories of his
alien abduction and subsequent alien-baby pregnancy to
the 8-year-olds at Charlie's birthday party, Charlie's
dad began to suspect that "Master of Delusion" on the
business card wasn't a typographical error after all.
(Kimberly Ciesiolka)
When my boss said, "There's no 'i' in 'team'"
for the thousandth time, I blurted out, "There's
no 'i' in 'butthole' either, or for that matter,
in 'Kiss my ass!" It was at that point that I
realized my error. That damn "i" is everywhere!
(Mark Beeghly)
When it comes to casting stones,
he who is without sin will tend to
have minimal hand-eye coordination.
(The Covert Comic)
There's no lonelier sound than the
cold echo of a bare spinning cardboard
roll in a public restroom stall.
(Brad Simanek)
Some say the cup is half full.
Some say the cup is half empty.
My coach says to put the damn cup back
in my jock strap and get on the field.
(James Knowles)
My wife and I were worried when my son spoke
glowingly of all the attention he received from
his fellow second graders for his ability to
snort an earthworm and produce it on his tongue
-- she for hygienic reasons, me because I feared
his comedic career may have peaked too soon.
(Brad Simanek)
Sure, I have an inflated sense of self worth.
Most us do. But I think the line has to be
drawn at "The ketchup experts at Heinz..."
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
Some change their party for the sake of
lofty principles. This weekend, I changed
my principles for the sake of a loft party.
(The Covert Comic)
Good fences make good neighbors.
Bad fences borrow your lawnmower for
going on five weeks now, then wolf-
whistle every time your teenage daughter
has her friends over to use the pool.
(Brad Simanek)
The candle I bought was supposed
to be unscented, but to me it
totally smells like burning wax.
(Kimberly Ciesiolka)
If all the world's a stage, the USA is
the shiny vertical pole in the middle.
(The Covert Comic)
Sure, I like a woman in a bikini as much as the
next guy. More, probably, since that guy's all
hairy and really doesn't have the figure for one.
(Brad Hamer)
I think mimes get a bad rap. I mean,
so what if a dude in clown make-up acts
like he's trapped in a box or leaning
against an invisible wall? He still brings
the funny like a pro when he crumples after
taking a thrown football to the crotch.
(Brad Simanek)
There can be only one "i" in "megalomaniac."
(The Covert Comic)
After being married for many years, I've
noticed that parts of my wife's anatomy
are no longer as high as they used to be.
But I have early arthritis and can't lift
my arms very high anyway. I guess nature
has a way of working these things out.
(Donald Johnson)
There are normal days, and then there
those that begin with your wife greeting
your half-open eyes with a warm smile,
leaning in and whispering those three
words: "Don't. Go. Downstairs."
(Brad Simanek)
If the Eskimos have more than 10 words
for snow, they must also have at least
one word for "F*%^ off" for every tourist
they meet who asks them about that.
(Danny Gallagher)
They say the French have a word for everything.
Well, so do the Germans, except theirs
is usually eight syllables long and
sounds like they're coughing up a lung.
(Ian Dauphinee)
"Bad." "Dangerous." "Smooth Criminal."
"The Way You Make Me Feel."
"Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
Well, you can't say Michael Jackson didn't try
to warn us about this prescription drug issue.
(Brad Simanek)
The problem with being an incredibly beautiful
and sexually unattainable woman is the feelings
of jealousy it inspires in others. At least I'll
bet that's what my moronic coworker thinks every
morning when I "accidentally" spill coffee on her.
(Kimberly Ciesiolka)
What is it about seeing a family of really
nice people leaving to go on an outing to
the beach to eat burgers and hot dogs and
have lots of family fun together that makes
you want to break into their house an hour
later and steal their new home theater system?
(Jerry L. Embry)
By the time I got to Phoenix, she was
rising. By the time I got to Tucson,
she was fully inflated, so I pulled
into a Motel 6 and had my way with her.
(Mike Ranston)
My husband and I are working on breeding
a new race of really average human beings.
The first one is only a prototype,
though, because he's way too smart.
(Kimberly Ciesiolka)
Try as one might, I don't suspect
there's a positive way to spin
earning the nickname "Thunderpants."
(Brad Simanek)
When I had a forgetful moment, a friend told
me, "The memory's the second thing to go!"
I guess that's a good thing, because I can't
remember what the first thing to go was.
(Chuck Bonner)
They say character is what you have after
you've lost everything else. I say: If you've
lost everything else, how much character
could you have had in the first place?
(The Covert Comic)
It's really a shame that "Leave it to Beaver"
got cancelled before we had the chance to see
Beaver grow up and kick Eddie Haskel's ass.
(Chuck Sawyer)
In honor of Independence Day, I went into the
office to declare myself free of the shackles
of workplace tyranny! Of course, being a
holiday, no one else was there to hear me.
But what the hell, since I was already there,
I got a couple hours' worth of work done.
(Brad Simanek)
In honor of Independence Day, I went into the
office to declare myself free of the shackles
of workplace tyranny! Of course, being a
holiday, no one else was there to hear me.
But what the hell, since I was already there,
I got a couple hours' worth of work done.
(Brad Simanek)
The great thing about being on antibiotics is
that you don't have to worry about the 5-second
rule anymore. Sure, that bacon hit the floor
2 days ago, but I'm immune to bacteria, baby!
(Scott E. Frank)
I love the funny way Canadians say "oot
and aboot" and "eh?" and "Please leave
before I have to call the police again."
(Jill Gallagher)
When I rubbed the lamp, a genie appeared
and granted me a wish. Unfortunately,
it was a diaper genie. Just my luck.
(Kim Moser)
There are many who believe deaths occur in threes.
Therefore, I make it a practice not to hang
out with two recently deceased people at once.
(Brad Simanek)
I don't know if it's because of Farrah or Michael,
but either way, I can't stop grabbing my crotch.
(Bill Muse)
I thought nobody cared until yesterday,
when my cat brought me a half-eaten rodent.
At least somebody gives a rat's ass around here.
(EllioTT Schiff)
Only after my repulsed party guests had
left did I Google it and discover that
it's not even *spelled* "pee-knuckle."
(Brad Simanek)
At first, I thought I was having that dream where
you show up unprepared and naked for a test,
and then I thought maybe I was trying to picture
myself and everyone else naked as a way to relax.
Eventually, though, I said what I was supposed
to say, the tequila wore off, and I will probably
never get invited to speak at a graduation again.
(Wiley)
Hockey haiku:
Hockey season ends.
Nothing to watch for three months,
Upsetting both fans.
(Jim Woodruff)
My wife thinks she's giving me a "bonus"
Father's Day gift by letting me off diaper duty
for the day. No, Sweetheart, my reward will
come when I successfully feed the kid chocolate-
covered cabbage and beets the night before.
(Brad Simanek)
When I was a kid and our dog got to be too hard to
handle, we drove him out to the country and let him
out of the car. I was very sad when we got home, so
my mom cheered me up by telling me some farmer would
surely give the dog a good home. I went back out to
that area just last week, and once again felt that
overwhelming sadness -- but I keep telling myself
that my mom has probably fared as well as the dog did.
(Shawn Stephens)
Hey, how was I supposed to know that my
diehard-Red-Wings-fan co-worker wasn't
*trying* to grow her playoff mustache?
(Brad Simanek)
I'm not sure if I should put the honor roll
sticker my son brought home on my bumper.
On the one hand, he's not actually an honor
student, but on the other hand, he earned
it fair and square by beating up some nerd.
(Paul B.)
They can't pull the rug out from under
you if you're already lying on the floor.
(The Covert Comic)
After a tumultuous night of tossing and
turning, I determined that, warm as it may
be, the dryer isn't the best place to sleep.
(Kimberly Ciesiolka)
You'd think that by now, with all
the recent advances in technology,
someone would have come up with some
really good fake Bigfoot evidence.
(Shawn Stephens)
Sometimes it's really hard to admit
you were wrong and the other guy was
right. Especially those times when
he has his hands around your throat.
(Jerry L. Embry)
It's funny how our tastes change as we grow up.
I hated tomatoes as a kid but can't get enough
of them now. And the same goes for spankings!
(Stephanie S. Thompson)
If I were a zombie, I'd like to think I
could do better than settle for the brains
of people who get trapped inside shopping malls.
(The Covert Comic)
There are times when you're compelled to put
the needs of others ahead of your own, when self-
sacrifice is called for, and when the greater
good demands that you concede your own wants
and desires. Then there are times where you
have the unique opportunity to see just how
much a steakhouse restroom full of prom dates
will pay for a roll of Charmin and breath mints.
(Brad Simanek)
Soccer is a lot like life: Everyone is always
trying to score, but unless you're a Latin man
in really good shape, it seldom goes in.
(Derek Cockram)
Any man who has to be taught how to fish
probably has a limited life expectancy anyway.
(The Covert Comic)
Those people who run Graceland wouldn't know
a great marketing idea if it bit them in the
ass. But I'll have the last laugh when I get
rich selling the "Love Me Tender" dildo.
(Jim Woodruff)
Dark side, schmark side -- beware
the *polka-dot* side of the Force.
(The Covert Comic)
Someone quoted me incorrectly on Twitter
again. I *HATE* it when I get mistweeted.
(Lee Entrekin)
Is it just me, or is each "next big
thing" getting less and less big
and nexty, and a lot more thingy?
(The Covert Comic)
I'm a dyslexic geneticist. My research
suggests that I inherited it from my child.
(Larry Baum)
I don't care how many times you crank it
through one of those little plastic sausage
grinders, that crap *still* tastes like Play-Doh.
(Brad Simanek)
I wonder if the Secret Service allows
President Obama to have unprotected sex.
(Brad Simanek)
Scientists tell us if you put an infinite number
of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters and
give them enough time, they'll eventually produce
the complete works of Shakespeare. What they forgot
to mention is that in the meantime, the chimps will
be banging out a steady stream of seriously bad
crap like "CSI: Miami" and "Keeper Martin's Tale."
(Jim Evarts)
If you think a college education
is expensive, try buying drugs
in the hallway after class.
(The Covert Comic)
The plastic cap protector thingy on the bottle
of chocolate milk I got with my lunch said
"PULL TAB AND TEAR AROUND" -- so I did.
Now I'm out of breath, I have chocolate milk stains
on my clothes and I'm banned from the food court.
(Sandra Hull)
You know the contortionist's show is going to
be lame when he announces that his first trick
will involve putting his foot in his mouth.
(Brad Simanek)
What turns me on the most about my wife's
body is when her body doesn't spend money.
(The Covert Comic)
So Social Security will be broke in seven
years. First Bernie Madoff, now this. It's
like Ponzi schemes don't even work anymore.
(Bill Muse)
Just my luck: Life gave me guavas.
Not much of a market for THAT sweetened
beverage, is there, Mr. Optimism?
(Tristan Fabriani)
Recently, I was the victim of
identify theft. As if I actually care!
I was barely using the damn thing anyway.
(Jim Woodruff)
Even as a kid, I always found it strange
that the counselors always performed
7 a.m. bed checks at Camp Morning Wood.
(Jim Woodruff)
"Bartender!" I growled, "What does a guy
have to do to get served around here?!?"
Two hours' worth of washing dishes later,
he *GAVE* me a frosty cold mug of beer.
Ha! And my wife says I'm a pushover!
(Tim H. Richweis)
If I remember the saying correctly,
it goes something like "Success is
10% inspiration and 90% constipation."
Evidently, in order to be truly successful,
one must be almost totally full of crap.
(Jim Woodruff)
Piglet's to the left of me, Tigger's to the right!
Here I am, stuck in the middle with Pooh.
(Brad Simanek)
It's sad to see how the precipitous decline in
the newspaper industry is impacting journalists.
Well, except for those who annoyingly use the term
"game-changing" all the time, 'cause it's fun to
watch them have to choke down that irony sandwich.
(Brad Simanek)
According to MSN, the best protection against
swine flu virus is to avoid public gatherings,
stay at least six feet away from other people,
and wear a surgical mask at all times. Ha!
I knew these precautions would pay off eventually!
(The Covert Comic)
If the only thing we have to fear is Fear
itself, then I think I should sit down with
Fear, crack open a couple of beers and watch a
few hilarious episodes of "American Home Videos."
Then, right when Fear least expects it...
WHAMWHAMWHAM!
I pound him relentlessly in Nadsville.
I'd like to see Fear try to come off
as intimidating while covering his
junk, at least when I strut by.
(Brad Simanek)
At first they called it "Swine flu," but then
certain religious groups complained so they
renamed it "Mexican flu," but that was deemed
offensive to Mexicans, so now it's called "H1N1."
I guess it's only a matter of time before "Star Wars"
nerds rise up and defend the honor of service 'droids.
(Paul B.)
I realize that alcohol can destroy your
brain cells. But, if we only use ten
percent of our brain anyway, I don't think
the other 90% will know the difference.
(Jerry L. Embry)
Sometimes, when my fellow mathletes and
I feel threatened, we'll quietly recite pi
for as many digits as we can. And sure enough,
despite the saying that there's safety in
numbers, we usually get our asses kicked.
(Wiley)
Regarding that thing about if
I die while waging jihad, I'll get
72 virgins, do they mean 72 *more*?
(The Covert Comic)
The secret to a successful, fulfilling marriage
can be summed up in three words: Honesty, Respect,
and Dudecallmeonmycellphoneandsayyoujustgotpinned-
underyourcarandthatIhavetocomeoverandhelpyougetout-
whichmighttakeafewhourssoIcan'tbereachedbutImayneed-
hertocomebailmeoutofjaillaterandbythewayshemight-
alsoneedtobringwithheracleanpairofmyunderpants.
(Brad Simanek)
In 1612, two of the greatest samurai masters who
ever lived met in a duel that only lasted six
seconds. My wife, however, says she doesn't care
and that we still need to work on our sex life.
(Michael Cunningham)
They say that whenever a bell rings, an angel
gets its wings. I gather, however, this
irate Motel 6 clerk is not a religious sort.
(Brad Simanek)
Screw Folgers -- the best part of waking
up is knowing you survived another night.
(Donna Ayers)
When I first started playing World of Warcraft,
I had dreams of becoming a ruthless Obsidian
Warrior, slitting the throats of anyone who dared
cross my path, using my Runeblade Sword which
was hewn from the Scarlet Flames of Edelwand by
T'grayne the Unholy Blacksmith. So imagine my
chagrin when, after playing for six months,
I'm still just Mikey the Elephant Dung Seller.
(Mike Ranston)
My mother didn't raise me to run
away at the first sign of difficulty.
She dumped me off with her parents
when I was born and skipped town.
(The Covert Comic)
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man
is king. He's also postmaster and probably
traffic cop, too. All the jobs for sports
referees are probably filled, though.
(Lemel Hebert-Williams)
Those commercials for Botox are misleading.
They say "Botox is freedom of expression,"
but the fact is it's freedom FROM expression.
(Donna Ayers)
I think people are sick to pay $9.00 to
see somebody get cut up with a chainsaw.
For that kind of money, they could go to
the theater and catch a pretty good movie.
(Jerry L. Embry)
According to the dictionary, to *irk* is
to make weary, irritated, or bored. Well,
that pretty much covers my entire existence.
I'm basically irked all the time.
(The Covert Comic)
When I got my colostomy bag, the doctor
told me in the recovery room that all went
well and asked if I had any questions.
I said, "Where can I get shoes to match?"
(BigDogDano)
Guys, the next time you're out at a bar, try
this trick: Drop two fake eyeballs in a beer
glass and hand it to the lady of your choice.
When she asks what it is, tell her, "That's the
DUI charge you could save by going home with me."
(Brad Simanek)
Communication is the cornerstone
of any good relationship, regardless
of what my dumbass wife says.
(Mike Culp)
I have to laugh when I hear people say if you
gave a million monkeys a million typewriters, one
would eventually write Shakespeare. Yeah, *right*
-- like he'd even have Shakespeare's address!
(Brad Simanek)
You know the kind of people who make sarcastic
comments like "I'll bet *you're* fun at parties"?
I'll bet *those* people are fun at parties.
(The Covert Comic)
I called in my vote on Catherine the Great,
but they kept Nicholas II instead. That's the
last time I watch "Dancing With the Tsars."
(Paul B.)
A very nice job, Satan. I spend nearly forty
piasters on new asphalt and landscaping, and
right away you go and ruin Alex Rodriguez's
ill-fated and steroid-enhanced celebrity jock
life by turning him into a giant tapeworm!
(Brad Simoniz)
I've heard it said that God watches over
drunks and children, which is why I spike
the kids' drinks before I put them to bed.
Just playing it safe, you know?
(Wiley)
I've heard it said that God watches over
drunks and children, which is why I spike
the kids' drinks before I put them to bed.
Just playing it safe, you know?
(Wiley)
My co-joined uncles had a saying:
"Where there's a Will, there's a Wayne."
(Brad Simanek)
I, too, am sure all that glitters
is gold, but I'd be much more
inclined to buy a stairway to the
VIP Lounge at the Pussykat Klub.
(Brad Simanek)
When I speak to my employees, I don't try to
scare them with the old "It's my way or the
highway" nonsense. My way *is* the highway.
(Kim Moser)
The police have finally made an arrest
in that "3 AM Slasher" case. Good thing,
too; last night I got a decent night's
sleep for the first time since I slashed
victim #1's throat two years ago.
(Jerry L. Embry)
My new kitten clawed my face while playing again,
and people at work ask why I don't get rid of him.
I told them that while I may get scarred by his
momentary outbursts, the hours and hours he spends
curled up on my lap and purring leave no marks
at all. I'm sure there is a lesson to apply to
our other relationships in there somewhere,
but the truth is that furball *is* making
me look like a damned circus freak.
(Carl Knorr)
Instead of always trying to get the milk for
free, I finally bought the cow. Now, a few
years later it's getting tougher to get milk
from my cow, so I figured I would just rent
a cow for an hour or two, and my cow wouldn't
be any wiser. Unfortunately, the arresting
officer doesn't seem to be getting the analogy.
(Wiley)
When all is said and done, at least we
won't have to hear this cliche anymore.
(The Covert Comic)
With my bank account empty and the promise
of beautiful girls, motorcycles, leather
jackets and a rent-free garage apartment
unfulfilled, I finally had to accept the fact
that I had been duped by a Fonzi scheme.
(Matt Maynard)
I went to this party once, and it turned out
to be a bunch of S&M freaks. Oh, cruel fete!
(Doug Frank)
I decided it was time to lose weight
when I realized that none of my towels fit.
(Brad Hamer)
Curiosity killed my cat. But I
think "1984 Ford Escort" should at
least be considered an accomplice.
(Anthony Myers)
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
And so we have arrived at the last day --
I promise -- of our back-to-back theme weeks,
during which I have shared with you the misery
of having to pan for nuggets of comedy in
the muddy, rancid waters of common themes.
Today's theme: Ruminations about Ruminations, the Sequel!
Here's one that succinctly sums up Theme Week:
You guys are lucky. Chris White has
to read ALL my Rumination submissions.
(Hyetal)
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Once again this week, we're featuring a
different Ruminations topic every day, based
on themes that generate lots of submissions.
Today's theme: Ruminations about Ruminations!
-=++=--=++=--=++=-
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Once again this week, we're featuring a
different Ruminations topic every day, based
on themes that generate lots of submissions.
Today's theme: fish, fish, and MORE fish
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish he'll eat for a lifetime.
Teach a man to write Ruminations about
fish and you torture ME for all eternity.
Just sayin'.
FYI: Again today there are 50 Ruminations!
And two filthy ones on the website.
-=++=--=++=--=++=-
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Once again this week, we're featuring a
different Ruminations topic every day, based
on themes that generate lots of submissions.
Today's theme: shoes, or lack thereof
Speaking of which...
I cried because I had no shoes, until
I started receiving lame "no shoes"
Ruminations submissions by the truckload.
Now I bawl and bawl like a little bitch.
What do I have to do to catch a break
around here? Sell my soul to Satan?!?
FYI: There are *50* Ruminations in today's
issue, and three filthy ones on the website.
If you get any work done today, it's not MY fault.
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
.
It's baaaaaaaaaaaaack...
.
One again we're spending a week featuring
a different Ruminations topic every day, based
on themes that generate lots of submissions.
.
If I had a nickel for every time someone
submitted a Rumination that began with
"If I had a nickel for every time...,"
I could retire to Vegas and play nickel
slots and have sex with REALLY cheap hookers
for the rest of my sad, lamentable existence.
.
Today's theme: change
.
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
.
This week we're featuring a different
Ruminations topic every day, based on themes
that seem to generate lots of submissions.
.
Today's theme: lemonade!
.
How I'd love to find the person who came up
with the "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!"
quote and repeatedly stab the imbecile with
a paring knife, watching joyfully as his or
her life oozed away in little scarlet rivulets.
.
Then I'd say: "Let's see you make lemonade out of THAT!"
.
.
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
.
This week we're featuring a different
Ruminations topic every day, based on themes
that seem to generate lots of submissions.
.
Today's theme: utter nonsense
.
Every day, I read through 50-75 submissions
to find 7 new Ruminations worth publishing.
For some reason, lots of people (usually
guys) seem to think that stringing together a
bunch of words, phrases or thoughts that make
no sense whatsoever is intrinsically funny.
.
As you'll see, that's not remotely true...
.
.
There is nothing worse than the headachization
from people who verbize nouns instead of
dictionarying the right word. That's weird;
I suddenly need to aspirinate myself.
(Phil Garding)
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
This week we're featuring a different
Ruminations topic every day, based on themes
that seem to generate lots of submissions.
Today's theme: voices upstairs
First the BEST:
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
This week we're going featuring a different
Ruminations topic every day, based on themes
that seem to generate lots of submissions.
Today's theme: smiles and frowns
You'll no doubt recognize this oft-quoted "joke":
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember, when someone annoys you it takes
42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it
only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm
and bitch-slap the bastard upside the head.
At least once a week, someone sends me that quote
and assures me that it's his or her original work.
Riiiight. But I also get just as many variations on
the concept, some of which are funny. You be the judge...
After weeks of testing, I was begriming to
doubt the widely accepted "more then one way
to skin a cat" theory. That's when I realized
it probably referred to more then one cat.
(Sayceman)
I like to think of snow as God sprinkling
on some baby powder. Or maybe Satan finding
a way to keep our kids home from school.
(Jilly G.)
Although it was extremely embarrassing when
it happened and was seen all over the country
on the evening news, I still get a thrill
every time some stranger recognizes me and
asks me to sign their box of Preparation H.
(Jerry L. Embry)
I wonder if cannibal children,
when making a cold meat sandwich,
fight over who gets the heel.
(Brad Simanek)
I lost my job, and then lost my house, and
then my wife left me. So, here I am in the
park, drinking cheap wine early in the morning.
This must be what the economists mean
by the bad economy's Ripple Effect.
(Wiley)
If actors are going to use their Academy
Award acceptance speeches as soapboxes
from which they can plead the case of their
latest pet political causes, perhaps they
could also throw in a word or two for us
poor, suffering souls who end up watching
all four hours of sheer Oscar tedium.
(Mike Ranston)
Day after day, the same guy keeps taking my
favorite parking space at work, so I keep
keying the sides of his car. And each morning,
he shows up again with it painted a new color
and with a different license plate, just
to confuse me. Ha! Try again, Einstein!
(Donald Junter)
As part of my new exercise routine, I tried
one of those conditioning drinks. It wasn't
as refreshing as I expected. Plus, I don't get
why the store keeps it in the shampoo aisle.
(David Kass)
So once again, my girlfriend finds a reason
to complain about my Valentine's Day gift.
Hey, she's the one who said she'd love to get
a heart with chocolates inside. And the one
I gave her was so fresh, it was still beating.
(Mike Ranston)
I've got a great new idea for
a talent-contest/reality TV
show. It's going to be called
"America's Got Nothing Better To Do!"
(Lee Entrekin)
My wife informed me I might get lucky
if I purchased something sexy for her
to wear to bed Valentine's Day evening.
Thank *you*, makers of the Snuggie(TM)!
(Brad Simanek)
Definition of a recession:
You got socks for Christmas.
Definition of a depression:
You *ate* socks for Christmas.
(BigDogDano)
A pre-med student told me, "I've often wished
I could give a great big thank-you kiss to
those people who donate their bodies for medical
research." I said, "Well what's stopping you?"
(The Covert Comic)
Whatever gave this Bernie Madoff guy the
idea he could pay off early investors with
later investor money? Who does he think
he is, the Social Security Administration?
(BigDogDano)
You just know that journey of a thousand
miles is going to feel even longer when
that first step lands smack in a fresh,
still-steaming pile of dog doo.
(Brad Simanek)
It's no use being a dead horse.
(The Covert Comic)
Life is a series of lessons.
For instance, when asked at an interview
what my greatest weakness is, I will
never again bring up strippers in leather.
(Wayne Lloyd)
Word to the wise: Don't be so hasty when
clicking past those boring cable channels.
It turns out that what I thought was
C-Span all these years is actually C-Spank.
(Jerry L. Embry)
I sometimes like to make up new words to songs.
Like instead of "Livin' la vida loca," I sing,
"Someone needs to punch Ricky Martin in the
mouth and tell him to shut the hell up."
(Jill Gallagher)
I don't wanna work! I just wanna
bang on the drum all day! But I have
a job at the Ludwig testing plant!
Can you say, "I-RO-NEEEEEEEE!!!"?
(Brad Simanek)
Sometimes, I think I love my dog more than
I love my husband. Then again, he slobbers
all the time, he's always hungry, and he won't
stop humping my leg even if I swat him with
a newspaper. The dog doesn't do that stuff.
(Rita Sullivan)
The people who make marshmallow rabbits for
Easter should make a marshmallow Cupid for
Valentine's Day, a marshmallow turkey for
Thanksgiving and a marshmallow Christmas Tree.
But they should probably just concede Groundhog Day.
(Dwight Burke)
It takes less time to do a thing right
than to explain why you did it wrong.
The good news: you're being paid by the hour.
(The Covert Comic)
Dear Mr. Barrack H. Obama, President of the USA:
Congratulations on your inauguration Tuesday.
I must say I am really impressed with how fast
you are acting on things to turn this country
around, like how you combined your new national
health care plan with homeland security to save
money. GENIUS! It was so nice to know I was in
good hands with the TSA this week as they screened
my baggage. Better still was learning that
I don't have prostrate concerns. Nice work!
(BigDogDano)
Having a great talent for hand-shadows
is a mixed blessing. All my friends and
acquaintances know this and, because
of their own lack of talent, have
stopped inviting me to their parties.
(Jerry L. Embry)
That Wile E. Coyote spent so much time and money
trying to catch and eat the Roadrunner, it makes
you wonder why he didn't just say "Screw it!" and
mail-order a jumbo basket of Hickory Farms stuff.
(Doug Frank)
She said, "If you love someone, set her free."
So I did, but the ungrateful bitch called the
cops and now I'm doing 15 years in Cell Block D.
Will THEY set me free? NO! Does anyone
besides me see the irony of this situation?
(D. Callahan)
Never use a florist that's a front for the mafia.
You fail to enunciate each word perfectly and
the next thing you know, you're explaining to
your girlfriend why you sent her a dozen noses.
(Mike Ranston)
Woo-hoo! Good news from my shrink:
I don't have an inferiority complex after
all. He says I'm "justifiably humble!"
(Lee Entrekin)
If the world really is going to end in 2012 like
Nostradamus and the Mayans both predicted, then
those extended warranties really ARE worthless.
(Doug Frank)
I make a lot less money than those pro athletes
do, but I'll bet if I told my boss, "Hey!
I'm just not feelin' it today, man!",
I'd get traded to Wal-Mart or Burger King.
(Doug Frank)
Thank God the Ruminations list is BACK!
I was getting so bored that I was actually
contemplating working while at work.
(Wiley)
I had a foolproof plan to rig the Junior Olympics.
And I'd have gotten away with it, too,
if it weren't for those medalling kids!
(Brad Simanek)
I'm surprised more people don't appreciate
this obvious dieting tip: If you want
to loose a significant amount of weight,
it's important to start out really fat.
(Joseph Moore)
I avoided every single bottom-dwelling,
garbage-eating fish I came across, and still
gained 10 pounds. Screw this low-carp diet.
(Khaos)
I'm terrible when it comes to picking fights.
I always end up choosing the one
where it's *my* ass that gets kicked.
(Brad Simanek)
Every time I eat a certain desert, I start hurting
all over in my joints. I feel so tired and have
no energy to do anything. I might be the first
person to ever develop Key Lyme Disease.
(Bad Macaw)
I got fired from my gig as an elevator
doorman because I was pissed off all the
time. I guess that's because the idiots in
my building know how to push my buttons.
(Wayne Lloyd)
If the way to a man's heart is though
his stomach, what's with the horrified
looks from the other surgical residents?
(Brad Simanek)
I sure hope I look as good as
Keith Richards does when I've
been dead as long as he has.
(David Means)
I shot the sheriff *and* the deputy.
Now there's nothing to stop Aunt Bea
and I from being together!
(Brad Simanek)
© 1998-2009. All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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