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Ruminations



Ruminations Archives
2002  |  2003  |  2004  |  2005  |  2006  |  2007  |  2008  |  2009  |  2010+


He has all the makings of a future
star. He's a dense, nebulous
accumulation of dust and gas.

(The Covert Comic)



Resolution: Next year if anyone
on Dec. 31 says "See you next year,"
I'm going to punch them in the throat.

(Anthony Myers)



Honestly, cannot think of a situation
where I'd say, "I'm not going to take this
sitting down!" Sitting down is awesome.

(R.M. Weiner)



The road to hell is paved -–
what more do you need to know?

(The Covert Comic)



Overheard at the hospital: "Let me get you
another blanket. That one has blood on it."
Later, I overheard the same thing at Walmart.

(Dan Burt)



"Take my wife, please."
Henny Youngman -- Comedian, Swinger

(Anthony Myers)



"You wanna know what's really scary? Being
a diabetic with a sweet tooth on Halloween!"
- Me, apparently ruining another October campfire.

(R.M. Weiner)



My son said he's required to wear a tuxedo
for the school band's holiday concert.
Now I have to buy him black yoga pants
and one of those tuxedo T-shirts.

(Dan Burt)



Remember: 9 out of 10 doctors recommend slamming
your head repeatedly in a car door as a healthy
alternative to watching presidential debates.

(R.M. Weiner)



I think I'd rather watch a video of my
conception than watch another debate.

(Jenny Johnson)



I wouldn’t have paid that much
for a lap dance if I knew she was
going to do the Chicken Dance.

(Anthony Myers)



Pa Appleseed: "What are your plans
for after graduation, Johnny?"
Johnny: "Oh, travel the country,
planting apple trees."
Pa: "WTF? IT'S JUST A NAME!"

(R.M. Weiner)



Got a bunch of digital copies of Mad Magazine,
and I've gone through 3 iPads and an iPhone so
far trying to do the fold-in on the back cover.

(R.M. Weiner)



"What ever happened to that
guy who isn't there anymore?"
- My dad trying to remember the
name of a baseball player.

(Anthony Myers)



Weird how people are acting shocked by
Ryan Lochte and company acting like idiots,
as if they never met any jocks in high school.

(R.M. Weiner)



Reasons for fist-pumping "YES!"
Before kids: Open bar.
After kids: Other child's mom
volunteers to drive both ways.

(Bill Muse)



In honor of the Olympics, instead of
spending the weekend napping, I will be
spending the weekend marathon napping.

(R.M. Weiner)



Good news: I just came into
a large amount of money.
Bad news: I'm no longer allowed
to tour the Federal Reserve Bank.

(Anthony Myers)



Saw an empty package of kale chips
on the ground and now I want to know
what kind of crappy hippy insists
on eating kale chips but litters?

(R.M. Weiner)



"Maybe what you need to be asking
yourself is, 'WHO'S Waldo?'"
- Waldo's therapist

(R.M. Weiner)



If I were a Miss America contestant,
my talent would be making shadow
puppets with my vestigial tail.

(Dan Burt)



I got kicked out of my charades club
for "gratuitous" nudity. But without
disrobing and flopping, how would
anybody have guessed "Elephant Man"?

(Dan Burt)



Saw a headline: Scandal Rocks Vatican.
If the Pope really wants to appeal
to young people, he needs to
get newer bands than that.

(The Covert Comic)



Hey, sour teen wearing a hoodie and
tiny miniskirt with knee socks combo:
Have you considered that it's
your outfit making you unhappy?

(Jody LaFerriere)



I was gonna plan a vacation in
Great Britain, but money's a little
tight so Pretty Good Britain it is.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I took the "Which woman in the Bible
are you?" quiz. My result: "Some whore."

(Dan Burt)



I always brush my teeth while peeing
to save time in the morning, and
now visits to the dentist have become
really awkward. Thanks, Pavlov.

(R.M. Weiner)



I'm in a band called The Circumflatulents.
Well, we're not really a band,
we just fart around.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Three legs.
To me, *that's* an exotic dancer.

(The Covert Comic)



March Madness used to mean
basketball, not politics.

(R.M. Weiner)



If Jesus were born today, the
National Highway Traffic Safety
Administration would require a
five-point safety harness in the manger.

(Kevin Freels)



When it comes to their pessimism,
every pessimist is an optimist.

(The Covert Comic)



Twas the night before Christmas and all
through the house, not a creature was
stirring due to the carbon monoxide being
given off by the defective space heater.

(Paul B.)



Call me hypersensitive but I don't
like it when people try to make my
cowlick stay down with their spit.

(Dan Burt)



I added a cello to my Amazon wish list, rich
members of my fan club. I also added a home
electrolysis system. The cello is cheaper.

(Jody LaFerriere)



Hey, People Magazine! Unless you're worried
about angry letters from necrophiliacs,
you can just say "Sexiest Man".

(Bill Muse)



I'm concerned about the Syrian refugees
being sent to Alabama. Haven't these
poor people suffered enough?

(Dan Burt)



Today's intelligence world changes
so rapidly, it's all the CIA can
do to pretend not to keep up.

(The Covert Comic)



November 13th is World Kindness Day.
November 16th is International Day
for Tolerance. Trust me, you
do NOT want to confuse them.

(The Covert Comic)



They shouldn't call them farts,
they should call them assertations.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Those Viagra commercials don't warn
you about the embarrassing effects
the drug has on vestigial tails.

(Dan Burt)



It's true what they say, "If you
don't like the weather in New England,
it's because it freaking sucks.
Why do we live here? Ooh, foliage!"

(R.M. Weiner)



It's good that justice is blind - I just
wish she had a better sense of smell.

(The Covert Comic)



It's good that justice is blind - I just
wish she had a better sense of smell.

(The Covert Comic)



I never had an appreciation for why
Elvis Costello would title an album
"Blood & Chocolate" until things got out
of hand eating that Nestle 100 Grand bar.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If I could have dinner with one person living
or dead, I'd go with Gandhi because I'd be like
"You gonna finish that?" and he'd be all "No."

(Travis Ruetenik)



Making my place into a haunted house for
this Halloween. Anyone know how long it takes
after a murder before the ghosts show up?

(R.M. Weiner)



I fail to see how civilization ever got off
the ground given how late coffee was invented.

(Brad Wilkerson)



How can I help others unless I first
stop them from helping themselves?

(The Covert Comic)



They say you should dress for the
job you want, not the job you have.
Yeah, well, I want to be a porn star
and apparently I'm "scaring the customers."

(Ginolard)



I keep wanting to go to Oklahoma but
I'm terrified the evil stormchasers from
the movie Twister might still be there.

(Travis Ruetenik)



My possessions no longer possess me.
They sold me to a new owner last week.

(The Covert Comic)



If there's one thing I can't
stand, it's intolerance.

(R.M. Weiner)



When discussing the global effects
of unbalanced population growth,
let's remember that for some people,
bucket seats mean birth control.

(Mike Beyries)



Never lick the carpet if a dog lives there.
Come to think of it, you might want to
ixnay on the licking of all carpets.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I don't know why people say, "It's so hard
to quit." It's really easy when it's something
you didn't want to do in the first place.

(R.M. Weiner)



If a half-truth is a whole lie,
a whole truth is two whole lies.

(The Covert Comic)



I don't know what to put in the moat:
Alligators or a lady who was trying
to return something she paid full
price for without no receipt.

(Jody LaPerriere)



Food is great. Shove it one of the
holes on the front of your gob.
If it isn't great, just try another
hole. You'll know when you hit it.

(Travis Ruetenik)



At one time, your last name reflected
your heritage. 'Johnson' was 'the son
of John,' 'Carpenter' was an actual
carpenter and 'Mason' was a bricklayer.
So where the hell do you
get a name like 'Lipshitz?'

(Lori Petterson)



I kind of have a problem with women
breastfeeding in public. I mean, shouldn't
you be weaned by the time you're a grown woman?

(Lori Petterson)



As I get older, I am starting
to appreciate the messages I get
from my Dad, particularly since
I know it likely took him a
half-hour to type out that text.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm not addicted to my smartphone.
I can stop anytime the battery runs out.

(Travis Ruetenik)



It's weird how people always say
something bad smells like raw sewage,
as if cooked sewage smells like
a rose garden covered in potpourri.

(R.M. Weiner)



If a Method Actor is starring in
a film about a Method Actor, does
he get caught in a time paradox?

(Kevin Freels)



I tried making some extra money as a go-go
dancer, but got thrown out of Applebee's
because they don't appreciate art.

(Dan Burt)



In the tradition of Radio Shack,
Pizza Hut, and Pottery Barn, I'm launching
my new pharmacy chain: Drug Attic.

(Bill Muse)



I love how we came up with such an elegant
sounding word as "antiquing" to mean "overpaying
for someone else's dilapidated, old crap."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I went to a hypnotist to unlock
some hidden trauma from my childhood.
Apparently during the first several years
of my life, I thought I was a chicken.

(Tony Meyers)



You should never throw the baby
out with the bathwater. That's why
they make the drains so small.

(Tony Myers)



I'll bet Pat Benatar has been punched
by a lot of strangers who just
thought they were being clever.

(Tony Meyers)



James Bond is a world famous spy,
which if you think about it means
he wasn't very good at it.

(Tony Myers)



I signed a petition today for
a group of asexuals were fighting
for the right to not marry anyone.

(Tony Myers)



Adopting a highway seems like a good
idea until they expect you to cough
up the money to send it to college.

(Tony Myers)



How do we know the tunnel leading
toward the Light isn't a throat?

(The Covert Comic)



You guys really shouldn't make a big
deal out of me just because I got my
master's in Reverse Psychology.

(Tony Myers)



Here's a weird fact you probably
didn't know about me: I'm not a
tall, Indian dude named Munish.

(Travis Ruetenik)



My parents remember where they were when
they heard Kennedy was shot. My generation
doesn't have anything like that. The closest
thing we can get is remembering the
time ALF was on "Hollywood Squares."

(Tony Meyers)



McDonald's brags about their billions
and billions of hamburgers sold, but
they never mention the hundreds of
thousands that get thrown back up.

(Tony Myers)



If my backyard was walled instead of
fenced, I'd have had a pretty sweet
swimming hole once all this snow melts.

(R.M. Weiner)



If you had a million monkeys type for
a million years, they would all have
taken a crap in all the typewriters
by the end of the first week.

(Tony Myers)



Wait, is it 50 Shades of GRAY or GREY?
Answer quickly, she's suffocating.

(Travis Reutenik)



Every book is an "educational book,"
if you read it. Even if the only lesson
you learn is, "Man, this book sucks."

(Reid Kerr)



I don't know about trees but when I was
alone in the forest and I fell down,
I made a lot of loud swearing sounds.

(Tony Myers)



If everything really is bigger
in Texas, those gay weddings
are going to be FABULOUS!

(R.M. Weiner)



Pretzels cause earthquakes.
Werewolves cause acne.
Vaccinations cause autism.
Each of these three statements
has equal evidence to support it.

(Travis Reutenik)



I'm sorting through beans looking for the
magic ones. I think I've found three so far.
I'm making a mess with the refried ones.

(Dan Burt)



You learn something new everyday.
For instance, today I learned that
those toilets at Home Depot aren't
hooked up to any type of plumbing.

(Tony Meyers)



I get pretty upset whenever I hear
about someone overdosing on drugs.
I mean, that's just a waste of
perfectly good drugs. So selfish.

(R.M. Weiner)



In 1900 New York, the legal age of consent
was 10-years-old. You know at least
one guy once said, "Honest officer, she
said she was this many fingers old."

(Tony Myers)



There is so much buzz from older
ladies about this "50 Shades of Grey"
movie. I can't wait to take my
nana to see it for her birthday.

(R.M. Weiner)



Every time I vomit I think,
"Thank god! I was about
to DIGEST that stuff?"

(Travis Reutenik)



On the train the other day I overheard
two teenagers saying Facebook had been
ruined by the presence of all the "old
people" who are keeping in touch with
other old people, and they looked over
at me. I said, "You're 12. How many people
could you have possibly lost track of already?"

(Lori Petterson)



They have a law here that says you can't
buy alcohol on Sundays, but you can buy
gasoline which is much worse for you if
you drink it. Where's the sense in that?

(Tony Myers)



Why do angry mobs have that much
tar and feathers on hand anyway?

(Tony Meyers)



I went to a wet t-shirt contest. I bet it
would be a lot more fun if they could have
got girls to wear them. Now that I think of
it that place was probably just a laundromat.

(Tony Meyers)



I went to an Indian Casino in Arkansas.
Apparently the tribe isn't doing very well.
The concert that weekend was a guy who had
seen Aaron Neville at a better Indian casino.

(Tony Myers)



I'd be a lot jollier this Christmas if
the people on the subway knew how to
board an escalator with their bags without
hitting me in the crotch with them.

(Lori Petterson)



I still get toys for Christmas. The real
challenge now is when the elderly relatives
ask what you got for Christmas and you can't
think of a nicer word for "butt plug."

(Lori Petterson)



There's really no excuse for taking
a poorly lit photo of a fire breather.

(Kim Moser)



I could walk away from an explosion if
I knew it was toward a movie camera
because I know I could always
buy a ticket to see the explosion.

(Travis Ruetenik)



The only difference between my job
and that of a trapeze artist is
the clowns are less threatening.

(Jody LaFerriere)



I've noticed when playing "Grand Theft Auto"
over the years that I'm great at driving,
but terrible at killing hookers.
Life really does imitate art.

(R.M. Weiner)



I'd have to say my favorite thing about
Thanksgiving is the sharp spike in
frequency of use of the term "giblets."

(R.M. Weiner)



If you ever run out of eye drops, just reach
in and yank out two or three nose hairs.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Attendance at my support group for
people who've accidentally been turned
invisible has been awful. I think.

(R.M. Weiner)



I went to a wet t-shirt contest and what
a disappointment. It would have been a lot
more fun if they could have gotten the
girls to wear them. Now that I think of it,
that place was probably just a laundromat.

(Tony Myers)



Just because you're crazy doesn't
necessarily mean that you DON'T have
bugs crawling around in your brain.

(Tony Myers)



I had to cat sit this weekend for
Erwin Schrodinger. I may or may
not have some bad news for him.

(Paul Wiley)



Remember as you step into the
voting booth: Your vote counts just
as much as Honey Boo Boo's mom's vote.

@JennyJohnsonHi5)



This is just a guess but if you're
looking for a fun, upbeat church,
the "Church of the End Times"
is probably not going to be it.

Jody LaFerrier)



It has been said, "If you love someone,
let them go." And if they come back,
cut off their feet, steal their shoes
and then make fun of them on the
Internet for crying little girly tears.

(Dwight Burke)



If you drink Coke Zero, I shall assume
you fancy killing hobos for sport.

(Brad Osburg)



If you're embarrassed about getting
breast implants, just tell people
you had a "deviated septum" in your tits.

(Jenny Johnson)



Hey hey! Looks like I'm the first person
to get out of a speeding ticket faking
Ebola! Anyone know a good drycleaners?

(Tim Aresca)



I can't decide if my book about ponies
on heroin should be called "Horses
Do Horse, Of Course, Of Course" or
"They Shoot Up Horses, Don't They?"

(R.M. Weiner)



They're trying to revoke Adrian Peterson's bail
for smoking pot, which is dumb because he'd be
easier to catch if he tried to run while stoned.

(R.M. Weiner)



It looks like I picked a bad time
to introduce my new beverage, Ecola.

(Richard Skora)



The best part about my birthday being
on a weekday is having my co-workers
seek me out and congratulate me.
Or maybe word just got around about the
monstrous, pretzel-shaped steamer I was
able to drop across the boss' keyboard.

(Sib Mandrake)



I look better if you don't look right
at me. I have an inner beauty that
works best out of the corner of your eye.

Jody LaFerrier)



A lot of guys complain about all
the glitter at strip clubs, but I
like it. It makes me feel so pretty
when I'm swinging on that pole.

(R.M. Weiner)



I have to admit, I felt kind of ripped
off when I couldn't see any scrub brush-
bottomed bubble dudes spraying out of
the bathroom cleaner can. Guess I need
to huff it a little deeper next time.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I heard a joke that someone dreamed they were
eating a cloud and woke up missing a pillow.
At least I hope it was a joke cause I'm
having a hard time locating the cat and last
night I dreamed I was eating Chinese food.

(Loir Petterson)



The doctor says I'm allergic to
artificial flowers. I asked him for
a cure and he prescribed me a placebo.

(Paul B.)



I once had a "brush with greatness" when
I met the girl that posed for those truck
mudflap silhouettes. I wasn't sure it was
her at first, until she turned sideways.

(Paul Wiley)



For what it's worth, *my* version of
the "ice bucket challenge" involved me
taping $10 and a brick to the inside
of an ice bucket and hurling it from
the 10th floor of an Embassy Suites,
seeing how many folks grazing at the
free breakfast buffet I could hit.
Unfortunately, the Lord Censors
of Facebook felt my video wasn't
obnoxious *enough*, apparently.

(Amanda Rothstein)



I'll bet nothing pisses off Antarctic
substation scientists more than when
food rations arrive bearing instructions
to "thaw at room temperature."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'd imagine that in those jungle cultures
where people subsist on bugs, it would make
sense to have at least a "30-second rule"
if you were to drop your lunch on the ground.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Growing up, I loved learning about outer space.
When my idiot parents then suggested I should
study to become a cosmetologist, I laughed
in their faces. Like I'd be content to be
an expert on *just* cosmets -- how lame!

(Mark D. Sabien)



There should be a designated person in
the hospital who slaps you really hard
and makes you rename your kid if you
choose a name that will get his ass
kicked in school. Los Angeles hospitals
will need a few dozen of these people.

(Lori Petterson)



Have you ever noticed that Jack Black
and Jack White are never seen in the
same room together? No? RACIST!!!

(Ginnifer Tang)



Sometimes I wonder whatever happened
to that boy I used to date in school.
Then I remember moving the body and
weighing it down with cinder blocks so
it would never come to the surface.

(Lori Petterson)



I wish I could have predicted this boom
in the smartphone market before I went and
earned my degree in phone tree engineering.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'll bet that when a cannibal is
done eating he asks his friends,
"Do I have anyone in my teeth?"

(JilL Gallagher)



The best part about soccer starting
to gain attention in the US, is that
it makes it less of a gamble to Google
"Women juggling balls" at work.

(MAC)



Jimmy Buffett: "Blah blah booze
blah blah Tijuana blah blah
sailboats blah blah weekend."
White people: "WOOHOOO!"

Travis Ruetenik)



If Hansel and Gretel had left a trail
of farts instead of breadcrumbs, it
would have been just as effective and
might have put the witch off eating them.

(R.M. Weiner)



I felt kind of ripped off when I couldn't
see any scrub brush-bottomed bubble dudes
spraying out of the bathroom cleaner can.
Guess I need huff it a little deeper next time.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Question: When a woman wears pants without
underwear, would it be better to refer to
it as "free-vag-ing" or "going commandrix"?

(Mark D. Sabien)



Dogs as a species would have died out long
ago if the leg-humping dogs were their only
hope of reproduction, cause those suckers
seem to be way off the mark every time.

(Lori Petterson)



Dogs as a species would have died out long
ago if the leg-humping dogs were their only
hope of reproduction, cause those suckers
seem to be way off the mark every time.

(Lori Petterson)



If I could change jobs to something
I'm bad at, I'd be a barber.
The pay's no good, but I'd giggle
myself to sleep every night.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Some people like scrapbooking. Some people
like antiquing. Gerunds seem to be infiltrating
and turning our nouns to the dark side.

(Lori Peterson)



I miss the good old days when song
lyrics meant something. I still live
my life by the credo, "Na na na na,
na na na na. Hey, hey, hey. Goodbye."

(Lori Petterson)



Can nuns get tattoos? My platonic friend,
Sister Margery, wanted me to help her get a
tramp stamp, but I didn't want us to go to Hell.

(Dan Burt)



English if I ran it:
A group of crows is called a "group."
A group of buffaloes is called a "group."
A group of catfish is called a "group."

(Travis Ruetenik)



You're saying you DON'T watch midget porn
on your phone when you’re on the crapper
at work? Well excuse ME, your majesty!

Greg Preece)



I would love to see a female boxer in
a "girl fight" at a bar. Nothing shuts up
a mouthy drunk chick faster than being
knocked unconscious by a professional.

(Lori Petterson)



I figured nothing says "Thank you"
like a few nude photos. Apparently,
though, the priest who married us
would have preferred a simple card.

(Lori Petterson)



Some days I just want to treat
other people like they are bad guys
in a video game. Sorry I exploded
your head, slow walking asshole.

(Jody LaFerriere)



Nowadays, it seems like a lot
of people are dying of consumption
in 19th century literature.

(Dan Burt)



Racist: a person with a Sterling reputation

(Michael Cunningham)



Apparently, casual day at work refers
to clothing and not sex. My bad.

(James Knowles)



My boss said he was gobsmacked by the low
quality of my work. So I informed HR
he was smacking his gob on company time.

(James Knowles)



I've got roller skates, a leaf blower
and access to a revolving door. I'm
not quitting until I get this whole
perpetual motion thing figured out.

(R.M. Weiner)



I tried teaching my pet pig, Clyburn,
contract bridge but I was unsuccessful
because I didn't know how to play.

(Dan Burt)



Is Mothers' Day a day to celebrate
ALL giant whores or just yours?

(R.M. Weiner)



Do you know what "braggadocio"
means? It means I know way more
words than you pathetic losers.

(Travis Ruetenik)



If Spider-Man really does whatever
a spider can, you'd think there'd
be lots more incidents of ladies
freaking out at him in the bathroom.

(R.M. Weiner)



The worst part about the end of the world
will be the four minutes of euphoric
cackling coming from the guy who guessed
right the "how and when" of the Doomsday
Pool... lasting, that is, until that
moment he realizes he'll have a pretty
tough time collecting his winnings.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I bet if you brought a flat screen TV
to 1950 you could totally get laid.
But be sure to set your DVR because
they don't have "Game of Thrones."

(R.M. Weiner)



They say, "At Olive Garden, we treat you
like family." And sure enough, a waitress
jumped line in front of me at the restroom,
a waiter borrowed my phone and didn't
return it, and the cook got all testy
when I complained that my order was wrong.

(Lori Petterson)



Since this bed and breakfast claims it's "just
like home," why am I sitting on the toilet
and no one's yet barged in asking where
breakfast is or calling me "Mr. Stinkybottom"?

(Mark D. Sabien)



One week before Easter, my wife walked up to
me and slapped me. I said, "What's that all
about?" She said, "Duh. It's Palm Sunday."
I'm really dreading Fist Monday.

(David Scott)



Lesson learned: When ordering hookers,
it is important to the specify that
you want the *quantity* bulk discount,
not the *size* bulk discount.

(Mike Totman)



Hey, chest-exploding aliens, people
wouldn't hate you so much if you
threw a bunch of candy at them when
you emerged. People love pinatas!

(R.M. Weiner)



If they had taught abstinence back
when I was in school, I would've aced
it and screwed up the grading curve.

(Anthony Myers)



I dig songs where most of the
lyrics are stuff like "Whoa!"
and "Oh yeah!" It's like the
musical version of F*$% It, Send.

(R.M. Weiner)



If you can't handle me at my
most apathetic, I don't care.

(R.M. Weiner)



Isn't it weird that no matter
how much a guy likes boobs,
he only likes 'em in twos.

(Travis Ruetenik)



In my obituary, please put "Got all choked up
from how much he loved himself" instead of
"auto-asphyxiated." You know, for my parents.

(R.M. Weiner)



Okay, I can see how calling it
"stabby fun time" could be creepy,
but I don't think it's any creepier
than your calling it "making love."

(R.M. Weiner)



I have a fetish for women's lingerie.
Come to think of it, I have a fetish for just
about anything that has a naked lady inside it.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



My tree is still up, but we took the
ornaments off, so technically it's no
longer a Christmas tree. Anyone know
where I can get Easter ornaments?

(Jody LaFerriere)



Aluminum foil is a poor stand-in for
toilet paper, but sometimes a change is nice.

(R.M. Weiner)



"12 Years a Slave" for Best Picture?
Great, now I'm going to have to
stumble through parties pretending
to have seen it for about that long.

(R.M. Weiner)



When the dude banging on my door yelled
"Is that my wife in there?" I had to ask
"What's her name?" Hey, with 4 billion
women on the planet, what were the odds?

(Dwight Burke)



My robot doesn't think he evolved
from a computer; he thinks he was
created whole by an engineer.

(Dan Burt)



Don't get me wrong, I love watching
kids grow up. It's just that some
of them are creeped out by a guy
staring at the top of their heads.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



Olympic trivia time. It's called "Skeleton"
because "We're not Luge pussies who go down
the run feet-first" was determined to be unwieldy.

(Richard Skora)



You know how they say "Turn your head
and cough"? That is so they don't get
germs in your face. At least that's
how the guy in my bus station does it.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



It never fails. Just looking at photos
of Bob Costas makes my eyes itchy.
Thank God he doesn't have crabs.

(Jody LaFerriere)



The main thing my family didn't like about the
ravioli I made from scratch last night was my
use of staples to seal the meat in the ravioli.

(Dan Burt)



I may not ever make it big in rap,
but I'm damn sure I'm the coolest cat
to ever rhyme "rutabaga" with "tacos
which were made by Daniel Ortega."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Maybe if we made kids color inside
the lines instead of allowing this
expressionist BS, they'd be able to
park in a space when they grew up.

(R.M. Weiner)



Apparently, making love to your gin and tonic
will get you thrown out of most bars, if
not arrested. Thanks for nothing, Billy Joel.

R.M. Weiner)



Women complain about the pain while giving
birth. Hey ladies, right about the time you
stop having babies, I have to start paying
some guy to stick a gloved finger up my
ass every years for the rest of my life.

(Dwight Burke)



For my management style, I prefer the
carrot-or-stick method: I can either beat
you with a stick, or beat you with a carrot.

(Wiley)



This bookstore has fantasy and self-
improvement as two different sections.

(R.M. Weiner)



I may not ever make it big in rap, but I'm damn
sure I'm the coolest cat to ever rhyme "rutabaga"
with "tacos which were made by Daniel Ortega."

(Mark D. Sabien)



I was visited by three ghosts this Christmas.
They were all family members, and technically
they were all still alive, but I just find it
comforting to imagine they're already deceased.

(Anthony Myers)



I think I may have done too many Kegels,
because now I'm getting taint cramps.

(Dan Burt)



I was a bed wetter when I was a little
kid, but I did it on purpose. I figured
that even a monster wouldn't want to live
under a mattress that smells like piss.

(Anthony Myers)



The cool thing about religion is that
when you need a better God, nobody's
stopping you from making one up.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



The hardest thing about the holidays
is having to listen while Santa has sex
with my wife. Sure, you might think
it's just some guy in a Santa suit,
but I know it's really Santa because
he always gives me a bottle of vodka
with a bow on it after he's done.

(Tim H. Richweis)



You might think your kids hate bath
time, but I guarantee you don't
have it half as bad as the Wicked
Witch of the West's parents did.

R.M. Weinter/@rmfnord)



If I were Dan Snyder, I'd change the name of
my football team to the Washington Girly Red
Skunks. There, beyotches! Now it's offensive!

(Dwight Burke)



Took the kids up to Nantucket one
weekend for the Limerick Festival.
Boy, was that a mistake.

(Wiley)



Talk about dedication to one's craft:
The Mayor of Toronto is a foul-mouthed,
drunken crack smoker accused of sexual
harassment -- yet Justin Bieber STILL
manages to be the most hated Canadian ever.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Okay, dog, here's the deal: I'll
teach you how to use a can opener,
and you teach me how to lick my balls.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



My girlfriend and I decided to introduce a
little role-playing in the bedroom to spice
things up a bit. Last night I was Forrest
Gump and she was Larry the Cable Guy.

(Chris White)



How do you know the Pinterest website
is targeted at women and not men?
Because it isn't called Pornterest.

(Brad Wilkerson)



One reason I like Halloween so much is
that I really get off on the genuinely
horrified reaction from kids with my "sawing
off my forearm with an electric carving
knife" shtick -- at least until I pass out
from the voluminous loss of blood and all.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My dentist asked me if I had a problem
with my gums bleeding. You'd have
to be really laid back not to have
a problem with something like that.

(Anthony Myers)



I wouldn't object to being conscious
during brain surgery, as long as
someone told me where to cut.

(The Covert Comic)



Life is constantly screwing with me.
The day before yesterday, it gave me
lemons. Yesterday it gave me tequila.
Then today it gave me Splenda.
WTF am I supposed to do with Splenda?

(Marco C.)



I tried to drop acid once, but got mixed up
and took LDS instead. Now I've got six wives
and am spending all my time trying to recruit.
BAD TRIP.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



I bet it pisses off the Lenape Indians when
they see how many beads drunk girls get
at Mardi Gras just for showing their tits.

(Anthony Myers)



When I visited sick kids as a baseball player,
I always promised them I'd hit one or two bars
before the game and knock down a few beers.

(Dan Burt)



I'm thinking about getting a nose job.
I'll smell anything for money.

(Dan Burt)



Yet another manifestation of the Creator's
wicked sense of humor: MY genitalia does
not get 25% larger each time we have a kid.

(Michael Cunningham)



I would totally stop bitching about
where my jetpack is if they could just
get the propeller beanie to work right.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



You'll never guess what I killed in
my bathroom this morning: virtually
every living thing within 20 feet.

(David Bloyer)



Girl, you must be a McCafe mocha cuz
you looked better in the ad, you're
not worth what I paid, and afterward
I'll be nauseous and full of regret.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



I just had a great idea: the no-party surprise party!
You get a bunch of people together at a friend's
house, turn the lights off, and hide. When they come
home, you scare the bejeezus out them, then leave!
Also, I guess you could leave them a cake or
something to kind of make up for being jerks.

(Matt Maynard)



This barista is so steaming and so
hot she's almost like a... like a...
Dammit! I suck at metaphor.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



There's nothing more embarrassing than
having finished a huge brain dump at
work, then having someone in the break-
room point out you still have a piece
of spreadsheet stuck to your ear.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Question authority -– but
use enhanced interrogation
techniques only as a last resort.

(The Covert Comic)



I don't think I'll get that promotion after all.
During my annual performance review, my boss
spent most of the time beating me on the head
with a yachting cap like the Skipper did Gilligan.

(Dan Burt/@danburt)



Ever since I was a teenager, I've
wanted to look like a rock star.
And the older I get, the more I look like
the rock stars I grew up listening to.

(Bryan Cox)



I think the ugly chick behind me
just farted. At least that's what
I told the hot chick in front of me.

(Marco C.)



Hey girl, these flowers are my way
of saying, "There was a guy selling
flowers at a stoplight and I thought
I could get laid for ten bucks."

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



Like many parents of young daughters, I wrestled
with how to address the subject of Miley Cyrus'
risque performance. Should proactively admonish
the singer's actions as vulgar, or should I simply
wait to see what she thought of the performance?
Thankfully, she let me off the hook by throwing her
sippy cup and indicating her pants needed changing.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Everyone talks about the world's great
injustices, but no one's mentioning
how I've been stuck on this level
of Candy Crush for a week now.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



I'm walking through one of Japan's first
Costcos with a tear in my eye, taking a last
glance at Japanese women's fit, slender butts.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I wish I'd penned a song titled, "I Write
The Songs That Make the Whole World Want
to Stick Scissors in Their Ears and Come
After the Singer With Torches and Pitchforks,"
because I'm pretty sure that Wikipedia
would make a page entry about that guy.

(Mark D. Sabien)



His muscle pressed hard against his trousers
like a burly midget trapped in a burlap sack...
Erotic fiction is not easy.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



Personally, I'm just thankful there's no
deviant politician named Anthony Bunghole
who likes to send nudie pics of his namesake.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I just saw a possum riding an armadillo.
I don't know if I should call animal
control or start my own backyard circus.

(Dan Burt)



This Denver Omelet has too much
John and not enough Bob in it.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



Putting broccoli in my omelette
is like garnishing my hot fudge
sundae with a pubic hair.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



Since when did Target security start
conducting strip searches in their restrooms?
Almost made me late getting back from lunch.

(Dan Burt)



I never wear party hats, because if
the zombie apocalypse hit just at
that moment, I'd be staggering around
dead with an embarrassing hat on.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



They don't let me name streets
in Germany anymore since
the Bürpenfahrt incident.

(Travis Ruetenik/@B0nrMunky)



The saying "I think, therefore I am..." should
have a corollary that would render lifeless all
those who do NOT think. Just imagine the miles
of roads opening up with no traffic whatsoever.

(Marco C.)



I don't dislike you because you're
stupid. I dislike you because you
think you're smarter than me, despite
copious evidence to the contrary.

(Greg Preece/@NakedCritic)



My wife says I'm unsophisticated and
uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess
where I'm taking her? Hint: It starts
with "B" and rhymes with "wallet."

(Brad Hamer)



I brought a toilet plunger as my
weapon of choice to this gang fight,
because shit be going DOWN.

(Travis Ruetenik/@B0nrMunky)



Oops. I misunderstood and joined a Jim.
Awkward.

(Jody Burchstead LaFerriere)



Trivia: The African nation of Angola
has the highest child mortality rate.
On the flip side, Mt. Olympus has
the highest child immortality rate.

(Anthony Myers)



A friend of mine was complaining about
his nutgrass and I didn't know whether
to recommend a urologist or a landscaper.

(Dan Burt)



I'm having a philosophical debate
with this cute barmaid: She likes to
think of my glass as half full, and
I like to think of her as half naked.

(Wiley)



I cried because I had no foreskin,
until I met a man who had no penis.
On second thought, maybe that was a lady.

(Bob Van Voris)



Something I won't miss from my younger days:
inappropriate boners.
Something I'll miss from my younger days:
appropriate boners.

(Trevor Rootbier)



I was so excited to finally earn my
mile-high club card, until it dawned
on me that I'd booked my flight
on Virgin Airlines. Dammit!

(Amy Peterson)



When I'm at Wal-Mart and see all those
products that are allegedly made by
children, I get depressed. My kids
can't even make their own beds.

(Brad Osberg)



Is it a good or bad thing to
have a breakout session during
a dermatology conference?

(Mark D. Sabien)



The good news: I passed my sobriety test!
The bad news: I was so happy, I tried
to hug the cop and I got tased.

(Dan Burt)



I recently entered the National
Pathological Liars Contest --
and WON! Then again, all the
entrants claimed they won.

(Dan Burt)



My mother always told me there would be days
like this. I found it very annoying, because
she never gave us a "spoiler warning"
before telling us stuff like that.
Sometimes it's nice to be surprised.

(Anthony Myers)



Etsy: Proof we really need waiting
periods and background checks before
letting someone buy a glue gun.

(Brad Osberg)



I am not getting fat. I am simply carb-loading
for the "Father of Teens" marathon that
will be my life for the next decade or so.

(Brad Osberg)



"Imagine there's no Heather. It's easy if you try."
Those are fun breakup song lyrics for .17% of
the population, according to census data.

(Brian Daywalt)



I'm never quite certain just how to
celebrate Ambiguity Awareness Day.

(Marco C.)



I'm not a coffee guy, so I'm never sure
what to order at Starbucks. Today I got
the Vanilla Blonde Roast, because I
really like all three of those separately.

(Reid Kerr)



Puppy playdate? At our place? Great idea!
Why, just the other day, I was remarking
to the wife that we dont have nearly
enough dogs pooping in our backyard.

(Brad Osberg)



I'm not much for Disney on Ice, but if they
ever make a Disney on Fire, I'm so there.

(Reid Kerr)



Something must be fu#$ed up with my Life Alert
notifications. I keep getting messages from
Keith Richards saying he's out of Jack Daniel's.

(Dan Burt)



The difference between a cat and a dog:
One acts like he can't possibly live
without you; the other acts like he
would be willing to give it a shot.

(Brad Osberg)



"Wheel of Fortune" Ancient Egypt Week:
"Is there anything that looks like two
birds trying to kill a snake, Pat?"

(Anthony Myers)



As a Type B personality, sometimes I wonder
why *we* can't be named Type A. Then again,
I guess it isn't worth getting stressed about.

(The Covert Comic)



You know you're getting old when, each time you
order wine at a restaurant, you find yourself
sounding more and more like Thurston Howell III.

(Brad Osberg)



I think the strongest argument in favor of
intelligent design is that every time you
poop, it comes out looking like poop, never
something random like a flower or a hedgehog.

(Kim Moser)



No world wars. No depressions.
The worst thing my generation has
suffered is coming of age when
Detroit was making really shitty cars.

(Brad Osberg)



I once saw a beaver on the side of
the road and was disappointed because
he was just sitting there, seemingly
doing nothing. Then I realized he was
probably just watching for the cops
while the other beavers were busy
stripping a stolen Camaro for parts.

(Anthony Myers)



Being the only dude in a house full
of gals means I am forced to record
"This Old House" and watch it alone,
late at night after everyone else
has gone to bed. Much like porn.

(Brad Osberg)



Now, how to *dissolve* a problem like
Maria -- that's just basic chemistry.

(Joseph Moore)



You know you have been married a while
when Date Night involves getting a
sitter for the kids so you can shop
at Restoration Hardware until it closes.

(Brad Osberg)



I couldn't find any lip balm, so
I used hand cream instead. My lips
feel better, but now when I talk
it sounds like a round of applause.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I'm pretty sure hotel room service maids
fold the toilet paper into a pointed wedge to
make it easier for me to reach my buttcrack.

(Kim Moser)



Taliban at 3 o'clock? So why all
the shouting -- it's only 10:30!

(The Covert Comic)



Your Tuesday so fat, Monday and Wednesday
gotta scoot over a couple hours.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Of course, when the Jell-O
hits the fan, everybody
wants to take credit for it.

(The Covert Comic)



I've always been sort of cynical
but it's been getting worse.
Now whenever I see that a whole
bunch of people died somewhere,
my first thought is always,
"plenty more where that came from."

(Anthony Myers)



It's a wonder we haven't yet heard
about Kevin Bacon being involved
in some sordid love hexagon.

(Mark D. Sabien)



You can take away my short-term memory, but
you'll never take away my short-term memory.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



When I see my place as one tiny man on
one planet in a vast, swirling galaxy
full of unimaginable numbers of male porn
stars, it just makes me feel so small.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I hate winter. By the time spring
arrives, my nipples have worn holes
through all my favorite shirts.

(Brad Osberg)



My wife fell asleep in my arms last
night. She woke up this morning with
an impression of the bazooka on her butt.

(Michael Cunningham)



My wife seemed excited about the trove
of sex toys I gave her for Christmas.
She'll be even more ecstatic when she learns
I got them used for a pittance on eBay!

(Sib Mandrake)



Before you criticize a baby,
crawl a mile in its diaper.

(The Covert Comic)



Then again, is there any use
NOT beating a dead horse??

(The Covert Comic)



Using the men's room stall immediately after
another guy left me torn between being the
pleasure of having a warm seat versus being
the disgust at using another dude's ass-heat.

(Nathan C. Sherman)



Wait, I'm confused -- do I bang a gong
first, then get it on, or vice-versa?

(John  Crocker)



What options other than "bang on the drum"
do I have if I don't want to work?

(Daina Schatz)



I want a body tattoo depicting all my bones
and muscles, with labels, in case I get the
doctor who was nowhere near head of his class.

(David Gunter)



Traffic jams are much more tolerable if
you just think of them really boring parades.

(Anthony Myers)



As the years rolled on, those of us at the
kids' table always wondered which of the
adults would perish and open up a spot at
next year's Thanksgiving. I was the ONLY one
who decided to be proactive about the matter
and yet I'm now the black sheep of the family?

(David Gunter)



I get a lot of my best ideas when I'm watching PBS.
The other day I was watching when they had a Peter,
Paul & Mary concert and I got a great idea: "If I find
a way to steal cable I won't have to watch this crap."

(Anthony Myers)



A talk with a child is cheaper than
therapy -- although if that's your
reason for talking to children, you
should probably still get the therapy.

(The Covert Comic)



No matter how poor you are, you're
never too broke to afford a piece
of cardboard and a magic marker.

(Kim Moser)



I shot the sheriff. I also shot the deputy.
And if the deputy had been wearing shoes,
I'd have given them to the guy who was
bitching because he had none. Then I would
have taken him fishing. Hey, it's not every
day you can nail three cliches that easily.

(Dwight Burke)



"Thursday" is just another word for
"penultimate day before we collectively
bestow gratitude to our Creator on
Facebook for the upcoming weekend."

(Mark D. Sabien)



They say you can't judge a book by its cover.
However, based on the cover alone, you can judge if
it's a romance novel pretty much 100% of the time.

(The Covert Comic)



I can't understand why my wife doesn't
enjoy my magnificent flatulence.
After all, "I" makes the difference
between "rectal" and "recital."

(Ted Minamow)



As much as there is no "I" in team, the next
time management demands the workers do some
stupid and demeaning job, they will find that
"M & E" are down at the bar watching "T & A."

(Douglas Jeffery)



I'm thankful my roommate is a fellow wine lover.
Otherwise he'd probably rat out my "Butchered
Hitchhiker Chardonnay" to the authorities.

(Sib Mandrake)



Today I mixed laxative with nitrous oxide,
just for shits and giggles.

(EllioTT Schiff)



One of my co-workers is sometimes sweet as pie and
other times is a raging lunatic, but I'm weirdly
attracted to her. I guess I'm bi-polar-curious.

(Wiley)



I find it odd that so many of my friends have
exes with the same first name: Shithead.

(Jill Gallagher)



I'm writing an erotic story of a successful
but lonely Wal-Mart manager who introduces
a young, barely tattooed cashier to his version
of bondage, most of which involves duct tape.
I'm calling it "Fifty Shades of Camo."

(Wiley)



They say that slow and steady wins the race.
Well, "they" apparently don't run the
US Olympic Committee, I can tell you that.

(Ian Dauphinee)



Rule #1 of Jedi Square Dancing:
Do-si-do or do-si-do not.
There is no do-si-try.

(Paul B.)



I was kinda hoping this whole "Hunger Games" thing
involved some stomach-stapling candidates and a "first-
one-to-explode-eats-free" contest at a Golden Corral.

(Mark D. Sabien)



In some ways I'm pretty conservative. For example,
I don't think abortion should be legal except
in the very rare cases where the mother's life
is in danger or when I might possibly be the father.

(Anthony Myers)



With my luck, if I ever did catch lightning in
a bottle, with my luck, the Guatemalan sweatshop
where I mass produced it would forget to put
"Not for children under 12" on the label
and I'd have a massive recall on my hands.

(Mark D. Sabien)



There are things you can control and things
you can't. For example, you CAN'T control how
someone else decides to treat you, but you CAN
control whether you're wearing spike heels or
steel-toed boots when you kick them in the face.

(Daina Schatz / @dsschatz)



In hindsight, when I handed the teller that
note demanding $500, I probably should have
written my account number on the deposit slip.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Working at a top secret nuclear weapons lab has its
perks. For starters, anytime I want someone dead,
I merely have to tell them what I do for a living.

(David Gunter)



When my parents get too old to take care of
themselves, screw the nursing home -- I'm going
to plant 2 kilos of coke on them and call the DEA.
That should get them 20 years of free care.

(Thomas Alascio)



Yes, global warming is real.
What they never mention, however,
is that heat today is cooler.

(The Covert Comic)



Few things are as underappreciated as nose hair.
Not only does it filter out germs and other things
that cause respiratory ailments, but I've found that
having an abundance of it has drastically reduced my
chances of catching a sexually transmitted disease.

(Brad Hamer)



There is no greater hate in the
universe than that between a couple
who builds IKEA furniture together.

(Michelle Riley)



Being a dull boy makes Jack consent to an
all work/no play situation in the first place.

(The Covert Comic)



If I were rich, I'd send an amazingly expensive,
yet unmanned, capsule to another galaxy with a
plaque in it reading: "This Spaceship Intentionally
Left Blank." Whoever found it would realize that
since we Earthlings would go that friggin' far for
a pun, we'd go oh-so much farther to punish someone
for stealing our water or whales or what have you.

(Paul Totman)



My mother loves Valentine's Day because it's
the only day of the year when she doesn't have
to remind me what a lonely, pathetic loser I am.

(Kristine Falconieri)



The sad aging of my rock 'n' roll heroes can be
summed up in three words: Moobs like Jagger's.

(Mark Funk)



I shot a man in Reno, but didn't stick around to
watch him die. That's how Johnny Cash got caught.

(Dwight Burke)



I can find something beautiful about anyone.
There's beauty in strength, in perseverance, in
overcoming adversity, but I've always found the most
beauty in someone who is really, really, really pretty.

(Dave George)



I KNEW it was too good to be true when
I thought I heard the captain say he
needed volunteers to man the whores.

(Michael Cunningham)



I am no longer using a personal trainer.
If I'm going to pay that much for someone to
hurt me, I want a ball gag and a safe word.

(Brad Osberg)



All children eventually realize how grateful
they are to their parents -- usually when
their parents are dead and they've started
wondering when their own children are ever
going to start feeling grateful toward THEM.

(Michael Cunningham)



An important benefit of miniaturization
in computer technology is that even people
with limited physical strength can
now throw a computer out a window.

(The Covert Comic)



Christmas is NOT the most wonderful time
of the year; it's the time of year when
millions of people cut down perfectly good
evergreens and shove them up angels' asses.

(Melroy)



I'm not one of those guys who could
ever live in his parents' basement.
I mean, not unless they, like, built one.

(The Covert Comic)



I cried because I had no tap shoes,
until I met a man with no JAZZ HANDS!

(Mark D. Sabien)



When my 7-year-old daughter opened her only
Christmas gift and found two baby teeth
inside, she ran upstairs bawling. Funny,
that's *all* she raved about wanting last year.

(Mark D. Sabien)



After four hours of running through ankle-deep snow
in shower shoes, pants belted to my forehead like
a denim hat, and playing "Do You Believe In Magic?"
on the kazoo, a fellow masher sledded over and broke
the news to me that it's not called the "Idiotarod."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Being eaten by a shark takes one quick
chomp. Pfft. You want to know horror?
Try getting eaten by a bowlful of guppies,
a nibble at a time for six or seven years.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



Sure, the early bird gets the worm, but the
early fish gets both the worm AND the hook.

(Siva Kumar)



I'm not sure why celebrities cheating on their
spouses is newsworthy. A guy at work cheated on his
wife and the only reason it made the news at all
was because she apparently sucks at hiding bodies.

(Lori Petterson)



I'd have to think giving a woman "nine
ladies dancing" and "eight maids a milking"
would only impress her if she's a lesbian
with a serious multiple-partner fetish.

(Lori Petterson)



Probability that Van Morrison titled
the song "Brown Eyed Girl" because
he couldn't remember her name: 67%.

(The Covert Comic)



If frequent peeing were an Olympic sport, I'd
definitely take the gold. But then I'd miss the
medal ceremony cause I'd be in the bathroom.

(Jill Gallagher)



I cried when my grandparents danced at my sister's
wedding. Because seeing that made me realize
they might live long enough to dance at mine.

(The Covert Comic)



So what should we avoid the plague like?

(The Covert Comic)



At my therapist's suggestion, I took up
painting to try to work through some
homicidal thoughts I've been having.
If I ever become a famous artist like Picasso,
I guess this will be known as my "Douchebag
in Wool Cap With Slashed Throat" period.

(Ian Dauphinee)



Two wrongs don't make a right.
But 1.84 wrongs squared, plus a slurred
"maybe, butonlycuzI'mdrunk" do.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I really wish I could spend time alone with
my son without my ex-wife hovering above us.
Maybe things will improve in a few
months when she finally gives birth.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Technically, I *am* in touch with reality.
Getting body-slammed is a form of touching.

(The Covert Comic)



My wife told me: "I need you like the
desert needs the rain... once, maybe twice
a year, for no more than twenty minutes."

(The Covert Comic)



He had me at "Turn it over and pop your hood."

(Melroy)



HTHDIKWJWD:
How the hell do I know what Jesus would do???

(The Covert Comic)



When it comes to my bucket list, I find it's
easier to do stuff first, then add it to the list.
So far, I've achieved five years of chastity
and the 742nd all-time high score on Frogger.

(Lee Entrekin)



The other day, I was reminded of the old cowboy
saying that goes, "You can fry a fish in a pan
of gunpowder, but that don't make it AHHHHHHH,
MY CHAPS ARE ON FIRE!!!" I can't quite remember
what made me think of it, but I recall
I was texting on the highway at the time.

(Mark D. Sabien)



"You can't have your cake and eat it, too."
Then why the hell would you want
a damn cake in the first place?

(Lori Petterson)



Someone at work stole my potato salad.
That's okay, though -- it's not
like I was really going to eat it
after I forgot and left it the
car for the last couple of days.

(Lori Petterson)



They say the airport in Denver is pretty
big. I dunno... I only passed one Seattle's
Best, one Caribou Coffee, and two Starbucks
between the ticket counter and my gate.

(S.P.)



You don't buy the doll because it's inflatable,
you buy it because it's DE-flatable.

(The Covert Comic)



You don't buy the doll because it's inflatable,
you buy it because it's DE-flatable.

(The Covert Comic)



You don't buy the doll because it's inflatable,
you buy it because it's DE-flatable.

(The Covert Comic)



You don't buy the doll because it's inflatable,
you buy it because it's DE-flatable.

(The Covert Comic)



Note to my annoying coworker:
If you're trying to impress the
secretary by quoting Ralph Malph, you
most definitely don't "still got it."

(Matt Maynard)



Note to my annoying coworker:
If you're trying to impress the
secretary by quoting Ralph Malph, you
most definitely don't "still got it."

(Matt Maynard)



The first person to ever buy a rooster must have
been pretty damned surprised the next morning.

(Scott E. Frank)



My dueling partner had a pen, and I had a sword.
I gave him the mightier weapon, so I don't
see what his heirs are so upset about.

(Michael Cunningham)



Nothing kills a good orgasm like that
condescending "Shhhh!" from the librarian.

(Jill Gallagher)



Nothing kills a good orgasm like that
condescending "Shhhh!" from the librarian.

(Jill Gallagher)



After buying a tutorial on playing poker,
my game went down the toilet. That's the
last time I buy a copy of "2,000 Flushes."

(Kim Moser)



I think *every* day should be
"National Awareness Day" Awareness Day.

(Kim Moser)



Parents don't seem to like it when you lean in
close, gesture toward the child sitting in their
grocery cart and whisper, "They sell those here?"

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm not sure if it's my singing voice,
choice of music, or what, but my new
"Singing Mammogram" business hasn't
been nearly as successful as I had hoped.

(Wiley)



Once you've been a Very Special Guest,
I'll bet being a Special Guest feels
like a total slap in the face.

(The Covert Comic)



I hate to see my teenaged daughter so crazy about
the hot guy in her school, throwing herself at him
and making a point of being around him as much as
possible and over-flirting in the hope that it'll make
him like her more. Guys can smell that desperation and
will run in the opposite direction. Besides, *I* want him.

(Miranda Robin Yussef)



Whenever people say "If you're going to
move to a new country, learn the language!"
I just stay quiet. I would say something, but
I don't know the Cherokee word for "irony."

(Carl Knorr)



In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man
may be king, but the blind guy with the 12-inch
weiner is still more popular at parties.

(Paul B.)



Lately, I've come to realize that I'm ready to
have children. Not because I want a family, but
because "stay-at-home dad" sounds so much better
than "lazy, good-for-nothing, unemployed husband."

(Miles Walker)



The coolest part about discovering the
stripper was color-blind was being able
to "make it rain" using Monopoly money.

(Sib Mandrake)



Sometimes life just hands you lemons.
Other times life throws stones at
your glass house, too, because life
can be kind of a dick when it drinks.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Given that so many members of Lynyrd Skynyrd have
died over the years, it's surprising that none of
the deaths were from suicide. After all, how many
20-minute performances of "Freebird" can a man take?

(Miles Walker)



They say diamonds are a girl's best
friend, but I would have to say they come
in a distant second to the right vibrator.

(Lori Petterson)



My dream job: vacation planner.
Not for other people, though.
That would kind of suck.

(Jody LaFerriere)



Like the famed writer Jorge Luis Borges,
I imagine paradise as a kind of library. 
Specifically, a kind of library where
you get to drink beer and have lots of sex.

(The Covert Comic)



Astronomers saying the universe is
actually accelerating away from us.
Call me overly sensitive, but I
can't help but take that personally.

(Paul B.)



Sometimes I enjoy relaxing my eyes and taking
in the marvelous show put on by the little
floaters in my eyeballs. Except when it looks
like they're gettin' busy, because then I just
feel like a voyeuristic globule-fetishist perv.

(Mark D. Sabien)



They say love means different things
to different people -- but my lawyer
has instructed me not to say what it
means to me until after the trial.

(Paul B.)



Technically speaking, an eye
for an eye makes the whole world
blind except for the LAST person.

(The Covert Comic)



Every 28 days, I feel like watching nearly
dead rockers and asking people to give me
money. My doctor told me I suffer from PBS.

(Bryan Cox)



In my opinion, that "severe weather expert"
on TV actually seems pretty laid back.

(The Covert Comic)



Okay, so if not in the mouth, where
exactly should one look a gift horse?

(Wiley)



Is it just my imagination, or
have zombies been getting smarter,
and live people stupider?

(The Covert Comic)



Many Kurdish freedom fighters died to
bring us the following information: Being
a Kurdish freedom fighter basically sucks.

(The Covert Comic)



I once got my hair colored by a guy
in Reno, just to watch him dye.

(Wiley)



It's pointless to watch "The Wizard of Oz"
with your dog. He can't sniff Toto's butt
and he completely misses the cinematography
change from black and white to color.

(Lori Petterson)



They say when God closes a door, he always
opens a window. I guess if you're God, you
don't have to worry about energy efficiency.

(Paul B.)



Love is patient, Love is kind; it does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
But if you don't give Love *some* kind of
shout-out during your nuptials, it gets pretty
tweaked, and might do something unspeakable
to your punch at the reception. Jus' sayin'.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I wish those NRA nuts would realize
I'd be more sympathetic to their cause
if the government were trying to take
away people's right to bare *breasts*.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If the news media were to suddenly announce
that a nuclear bomb is flying on its way to
the USA, I'm sure millions of people would
shit themselves. That's probably why they
call them Incontinental Ballistic Missiles.

(Bad Macaw)



If dolphins are really as intelligent as
humans, I'll bet it only makes getting caught
in a tuna net that much more embarrassing.

(The Covert Comic)



Maybe my expectations have changed, but
it's just not a real firework show unless
they're launched from Katy Perry's bosom.

(Rabbi Crut)



The statement "A picture is worth a
thousand words" is worth 0.007 of a picture.

(The Covert Comic)



I'm hoping they find Casey Anthony not guilty. True,
it may be a miscarriage of justice, but think how much
fun it would be to watch Nancy Grace's head explode.

(S.P.)



Not only does history repeat itself, it
increasingly forgets where it put its keys.

(The Covert Comic)



I agree with Theodore Roosevelt, who said,
"Speak softly and carry a big stick." In my
opinion, for a person making fun of someone with
laryngitis, nothing will better convey "Hey, back
off or I'll take out your eye -- WITH THIS STICK!"

(Mark D. Sabien)



When choosing between two evils, be advised:
If you use the "eenie-meenie-minie-mo" method,
you'll always end up with the second one.

(The Covert Comic)



How come those fan that move their heads
back and forth are "oscillating," but
when I watch tennis I have to say
I'm "moving my head back and forth?"
Hey, I'm a fan, too.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



We need to stop calling Wednesday "Hump Day."
Anyone with children knows the real
humping doesn't happen on school nights.

(Lori Petterson)



With the daily barrage of depressing stories
about poverty, genocide, fear and hate, it's
sometimes a struggle to even want to get out of
bed. Then you open a bag of Skittles to find a
couple defective pieces morphed together, looking
like two perfect purple boobies. Best. Day. EVER!

(Mark D. Sabien)



I really mean it when I say I just want
my wife to be happy. Of course, if I could
be happy, too, that would be good. And if
we could both be happy at the same time,
maybe involving whipped cream and some
edible underwear, that would be even better.

(Wiley)



My dad is fond of writing on containers
of "his" leftovers, "Do not TOUCH or EAT,
under penalty of DEATH or DISMEMBERMENT,
and not necessarily IN THAT ORDER!!!"
I find that deliciously ironic when
we've ordered a bucket of fried chicken.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It turns out you can lead a horse to
water *and* make it drink, but you
have to load it up with really salty
popcorn for an hour or two before.

(Wiley)



My last employment review singled me out as
a "glass-half-empty" guy, so I've worked hard
to change that. Now, when I see a shared
casserole in the break room with a hair
sticking out of it, I say, "Hey, free floss!"

(Mark D. Sabien)



There was a guy in traffic beside me
jerking off like crazy. I yelled out
the window to him to at least have
the decency to get back into his car.

(Lori Petterson)



My dad once told me, "The only
one who can beat you is yourself."
As I stand chained in this Turkish
prison, I'm thinking Dad might've
been a tad wrong on this one.

(Wayne Lloyd)



I don't mind that the lady was breast feeding
her kid in the middle of the airport.
I don't even mind that the kid was way too
old to still be breast fed. What set me off
was her letting the airline employees watch,
then them upgrading her to first class.

(Lori Petterson)



Growing up, I had great difficulty
concentrating on saying the alphabet.
After special classes and several doctor
visits, I was diagnosed with ABCDADHD.

(Wayne Judson Lloyd)



The problem I have with returning home from
five days at an industry trade show is that
I now have to re-adjust to helping my wife clean
re-liquidated nutrition delivery systems and
change infant waste-product receptacle solutions.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When my kid does something wrong, I ground him.
But the real punishment comes when I connect
him to the positive and negative wires.

(Kim Moser)



My favorite part of high school graduation
parties is telling the young person that I
hid a $100 bill somewhere in the cake, then
watching him destroy his own celebration
only to learn I was lying. Kids nowadays
need to learn these harsh lessons early.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Sometimes I need to remind myself
that I'm not 18 anymore. And other
times, the paramedics do it for me.

(Jill Gallagher)



I awoke and saw a host of winged angels before
me. At first I was afraid and thought, "Is this
is the end?" But I wanted to go with them, for
they were truly beautiful to behold. And then
I realized I'd fallen asleep with the TV on and
had woken up during a Victoria's Secret commercial.

(Wiley)



Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop,
even if I have to lie about knowing the person.

(Paul Totman)



You know you need to get out of the house
when you start to refer to yourself
as a "diaper-half-full" kind of guy.

(Mark D. Sabien)



After I won the lottery, my family and friends told
me they're worried I might not be mature enough to
handle all that money wisely and end up just blowing
it on something stupid. That's total nonsense.
Besides, what do I care what they think?
I'm lighting my farts with hundred-dollar bills!

(Chris MacEachen)



In my opinion, if you're Public Enemy Number
2,000,000,000 or greater, they should probably
just remove you from the list altogether.

(The Covert Comic)



Darcy's First Theorem of Parking Effort:
The longer you are willing to drive around
a crowded parking lot trying to find an
even closer space, the bigger your butt is.

(Darcy)



I prefer not to recount the details of
my youthful indiscretions. I don't want
to set a bad example for the young people
of today, but mainly I'm not exactly sure
when the statute of limitations expires.

(Lee Entrekin)



I can't catch a break. Last year
I won a million dollars in the lottery
and got so excited I went through two
million dollars worth of Depends.

(Chris MacEachen)



A money belt is a great way to keep
your valuables safe from muggers.
If you own any antique furniture,
you might want to get an extra-large
money belt with built-in back support.

(Anthony Myers)



They say you can't tame a wild rose. 
And even if you could, probably the only
trick you could teach it would be "stay."

(The Covert Comic)



When our receptionist greeted me with "How
are you today?" I answered "Horny. For you."
I've always heard that honesty is the
best policy, but apparently our company
has some other policy that beats it.

(Brad Hamer)



In your early 30s, you start to get depressed because
you realize that your life may very well be half over.
By the time you hit 40, you're relieved because you
realize that your life may very well be half over.

(Anthony Myers)



It's important to speak clearly when ordering
something over the phone. I asked the bakery
to make an erotic cake, and she sent me a cake
covered with pictures of the cast from "Seinfeld."

(S.P.)



That guy Victor, who gets all the spoils?
I'll bet his place really stinks.

(Lee Entrekin)



Ladies, the reality is that if the guy
laying next to you asks if you want to
"spoon," he really just wants to "fork."

(Mark D. Sabien)



People tell me I should work on my similes;
I think I simply need to refine things
like someone who refines stuff a lot.

(Daina Schatz / @dsschatz)



Is the question "Is the glass half empty or
half full?" semi-intelligent or semi-idiotic?

(The Covert Comic)



It doesn't take many times shooting the last
seated one in the leg before your family gets
pretty good at clearing the after-dinner dishes.

(Michael Cunningham)



I love checking into a hotel and there waiting
in the room for me is a well-stocked supply
of tissues and a fresh, unopened bottle of
hand lotion. It's like they *know* me!

(Mark D. Sabien)



Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach him to fish instead of hooking him with
the first of 14 volumes of your DVD series
"How to Catch Fi$h and Make Millions!!" and you
just gave away a nice revenue stream, Dinkwad.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If life gives you lemons, make a delicious
lemonade. If life gives you a tennis bracelet,
though, you know life is trying to make up for
hitting on your co-workers at the office party.

(Daniel Thomas)



I cried because I had no shoes, until
I met my buddy with some exceptionally
strong weed. After doing bong hits for an
hour, I couldn't remember what the hell
I was crying about in the first place.
Still can't find my damn shoes, though.

(Jim Woodruff)



I wonder if Jim Croce's widow occasionally
loses it when she can't find the rosemary
among all those frickin' bottles of thyme.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I may be over-reacting to this whole Anthrax
thing, but this morning, my donuts were
covered with a suspicious white powder.

(Wiley)



If your heart tells you one thing
and your head another, give the
deciding vote to your ass.

(The Covert Comic)



If they ever put me in charge of
organizing all the different kinds
of Indian flatbreads, I'd start by
dividing them into two categories:
naan and non-naan.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



Sometimes elderly relatives need a little
pick-me-up. And now, after a little clever
programming of their caller I.D. devices,
I find nothing taxes that pacemaker like
an occasional call from the Grim Reaper.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If the '70s song "Wildfire" makes you all weepy
when you hear it on the radio, just do what I do:
Sing along, but change the horse's name to "Numbnuts."

(Miles Walker)



It's a shame they don't let you take dogs to
the zoo, because that would be the greatest
day EVER for them. They could smell hundreds
of different new kinds of poop, and bark at
animals from all seven continents. Why do they
block dogs from experiencing such insane joy??

(Anthony Myers)



They say self-delusion is when you suck
in your stomach as you step on the scale.
But how *else* are you supposed to see the numbers???

(The Covert Comic)



I believe I've finally mastered the
metric system! "Big deal," you say,
but for me, it's a major kilometerstone.

(J. Murphy)



I asked the waitress, "Which came first: the
chicken salad or the egg salad?" At which point
she gave me a look suggesting, either way, it
will be served with a side order of her saliva.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Turns out it's actually okay to yell "Fire!"
in a crowded theatre, as long as there really
*is* a fire in the theatre. I just wish the
fire chief and coroner had explained that to me
without all of the rude name-calling and swear words.

(Miles Walker)



Freedom's just another word for nothin'
left to lose. Which is why I prefer the
word "freedom" -– it saves time and effort!

(The Covert Comic)



It's OK to frequently quote the saying:
"Insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again and expecting different
results," as long as you don't expect
anything to change as a result of doing it.

(The Covert Comic)



It seems everybody in my town calls me
"the stranger." I'll bet they wouldn't
say that if they knew me better.

(Wayne Judson Lloyd)



In stand-up comedy, there exist only
two time frames: the present and "the
other day," when everything always happens.

(Anthony Myers)



Vomit is simply nature's way of allowing
children who are too young to speak to let
you know they don't like the carpeting.

(Matt Kall)



Consumer tip: Don't waste your money on
a futon. *Any* sofa can be turned into
a bed if you have a chainsaw, some wood
screws and twenty feet of bailing wire.

(Anthony Myers)



Anything unrelated to
pachyderms is irrelephant.

(Mike Culp)



I really thought I was finally over my
crying-over-spilt-milk stage. That is, until
I dropped my toothpaste and was crestfallen.

(Paul Totman)



The problem with having Facebook friends
who run a goat farm is they're always
posting pictures of their kids.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Once when I was a kid, I almost choked to death
on a sticky-pop. Fortunately, my grandfather had
the good sense to tell me to stop lollygagging.

(Larry Hollister)



As I rasped sweet nothings in her ear,
her disdainful look told me she was not
going to fall for the hoarse whisperer.

(Lee Entrekin)



I went to a christening and now everyone is
mad at me. In my defense, it was the first one
I ever attended, and I never would've thought
it would take me that many swings to break
a champagne bottle over an infant's head.

(Anthony Myers)



I really do like my new smart phone, but for
the record, Google's idea of a sexy new android
device is a whole lot different from mine.

(Kenneth)



This Lenten season I've given up waiting so
long to bail on my New Year's Resolutions.

(Mark D. Sabien)



After the fuss at the airport security checkpoint
had died down, it occurred to me that it might
have been better to tell the TSA agent that the
carry-on item she was questioning me about was an
inflatable pillow, not a pillow that would blow up.

(Ian Dauphinee)



Never place a romantic interest above an
intelligent friend -- unless the three
of you are comfortable in that position.

(The Covert Comic)



If I ever start an online-dating service,
I'll call it StrangerDanger -- not just
because it sounds edgy and daring, but then
if someone hooks up with a psychopath,
they can't say they weren't warned.

(Mark D. Sabien)



They say since the big earthquake, the earth's
day is now 1 millionth of a second shorter.
Damn, I *just* set the clocks for Daylight
Saving Time; now I have to set them again!?!

(Richard Field)



To save money, our town council subcontracted police
services to circus clowns. The good news is that when
they go on patrol, they can get like 20 cops in a car.
The bad: Their pepper spray canisters shoot silly string.

(Paul B.)



I was visited by three ghosts this Christmas.
They were family members I hate, and technically
they were all still alive -- I just find it
comforting to imagine them as already deceased.

(Anthony Myers)



Mauve isn't a color in the National Terrorism
Advisory System -- mauve is terror itself.

(The Covert Comic)



I'd love to go back in time and show my younger
self these nifty iPods, laptops and smart phones.
Not so the younger me could invest and make
a ton of money, but because such a thing
would totally freak out that nerdy dweeb.

(David Gunter)



The problem with having a crush on
a fortune teller is you never get a
first chance to make a first impression.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I hate music producers. Auto-Tuning
a good vocalist is like Photoshopping
the freckles off a redhead's breasts.

(Matt Maynard)



I'd like to teach the world to sing.
Then maybe we can avoid those atrocious
first few weeks of "American Idol."

(Mark D . Sabien)



It just makes sense: If you're ever in plane
crash in the Andes, eat the vegetarians first.

(Brian J. Noggle)



For a while I thought I was bisexual, but only
because I tend to get "bi" and "semi" mixed up.

(The Covert Comic)



I was invited to join a flash mob recently
at a local mall. I guess I misunderstood the
entire concept, but I'm just grateful they
never asked me to take off my trench coat. 

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



How about a compromise: Everybody
leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

(The Covert Comic)



I'm happy to report that while the steaks
at my neighborhood bistro are indeed
hormone-free, the waitresses are decidedly not.

(Chris MacEachen)



When you're saving for retirement, it's
important to diversify. Example: I have
33% of my savings in stocks, 33% in bonds
and 34% in Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.
I plan on whacking a ton of moles and playing
a buttload of skee ball in my golden years.

(Anthony Myers)



The proverb "Good fences make good neighbors"
began to make perfect sense when I went to
my neighbor Frank's pawn shop to try to get
some quick cash for that jewelry I stole.

(Siva Kumar)



It's the little things that make life truly
worth living. For example: starting and
ending the day with the same number of teeth.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Can't find your way to the Apple store?
There's a map for that!

(Alan Selk)



My girlfriend and I had a really nasty fight,
but afterward we had amazing makeup sex: She
hooked up with her ex while I hired a prostitute.

(Kim Moser)



They say that unless you're the lead dog, the
view never changes. But it's not really that
bad if the bitch in front of you has a great ass.

(Jim Woodruff)



Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. And
frankly, the money to be had by blackmailing
the agriculture and tourism industries
outweighs my gut-level revulsion at having
a weather-controlling freakazoid girlfriend.

(Larry Hollister)



Sometimes I wonder what my daughter would
think if she ever read my Ruminations. But
then I remember she goes to public school,
so it's unlikely she'll ever learn to read.

(Jim Woodruff)



After suffering severe puncture wounds
without shooting any goop on my opponent,
I realized I was simply outgunned.
Never bring caulk to a nailgun fight.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



After suffering severe puncture wounds
without shooting any goop on my opponent,
I realized I was simply outgunned.
Never bring caulk to a nailgun fight.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



After suffering severe puncture wounds
without shooting any goop on my opponent,
I realized I was simply outgunned.
Never bring caulk to a nailgun fight.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



I used to hate it when some glib moron would
tack on "...if I told you, I'd have to kill you"
to the end of a sentence. Now I secretly record
those guys -- if I'm ever murdered, all these
morons will get taken in for questioning.

(Mark D. Sabien)



If you're the nudist/exhibitionist type, don't buy
a house with big picture windows in a neighborhood
with a homeowners association. Who needs neighbors
telling you when it's time to trim down there?

(S.P.)



If you have multiple personality disorder,
could one of your additional personalities also
have their own multiple personality disorder?
'Cause that would up the suck factor exponentially
-- especially if they need separate toothbrushes.

(Anthony Myers)



Don't you hate it when the car behind you rams
into yours and you can't get mad because that
person's car was actually already parked and
the driver wasn't even there when it happened?

(Anna Chin Williams)



One day a neighbor kid named Billy and I spent
a whole afternoon and well into the night digging
a hole in the back yard with a spoon and a little
plastic beach pail. We were going to find buried
treasure or dig all the way to China -- who knows?
The important thing was that it took our minds off
of what a great time our more popular classmates
were probably having that night at the senior prom.

(Anthony Myers)



Humor tip: Exasperatedly muttering to your
wife, "Time to make the doughnuts," as you
get out of bed in the morning? Funny. Doing
the same when she asks you for sex? Not so much.

(Mark D. Sabien)



It's odd how you can combine two negative words,
like "sham" and "poo," and get a personal hygiene
product that people use every day. At least that
was my thinking when I invented the Poo Sham.

(Bob Van Voris)



It seems odd that Charlie Brown's parents
never noticed that their 8-year-old son was
suffering from severe clinical depression.
I guess they had their own problems, what
with those speech impediments and all.

(Anthony Myers)



I'll bet Facebook would be even more popular if
there were a way to add Friends With Benefits.

(Wiley)



When I was growing up, we had seven dogs!
That may not sound like a whole
lot, but it's 49 in dog dogs.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



This morning, I woke up on the floor next
to some nameless Wal-Mart greeter, both
of us naked and covered with Cheez Whiz.
Well, there goes THAT resolution.

(Wiley)



True, every kiss begins with Kay.
But guys who expect a little more in
return for their gem purchases know
the place to buy jewelry is Bjorn's.

(Carl Knorr)



During tough economic times like this,
I take stock of my life and realize if I'd
gone to an Ivy League college instead of
a state school, I'd still be goofing off
right now, but with a much higher salary.

(Lori Petterson)



Sure, I procrastinate sometimes. But I still think
it's important to keep the "Christ" in "Presidents Day."

(Bob Van Voris)



My dog and I probably need to seek relationship
counseling. I'm looking for nurturing, playful
companionship and he's preoccupied chasing tail.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My wife and I want to have a baby. Well, my wife
wants to have a baby; I just want to have sex.

(Wiley)



Touch my junk? If you give me
twenty dollars you can haul it away!

(The Covert Comic)



If I ever start a religion, it's definitely going
to require human sacrifice -- beginning with the
next Jehovah's Witness that comes to my door.

(Lee Entrekin)



Give me liberty or give me a grilled cheese
sandwich! But go ahead and make it with two
heels and over-char it a little on one side,
so as not to make me look like a complete wuss.

(Mark D. Sabien)







Mark my words: One day the South will rise
again! Then it'll take a leak, finish off
that can of Mountain Dew and go back to bed.

(Anthony Myers)



I don't know the right response for when my wife
shows me her new hairdo, but so far I've ruled out
"What on earth happened?" and "Is it windy out?"

(Scott E. Frank/@ScottF69)



It isn't a midlife crisis
if it kills you instantly.

(The Covert Comic)



I just sneezed and got little droplets all over my
computer monitor, and they act like little magnifying
lenses so they're all twinkling different colors.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

(Doug Frank)



Dear Hollywood: We get it. The name Focker
sounds like the word "f%#ker." It was even
funny the first two times in the first movie.

(Anthony Myers)



I wouldn't take a million dollars from Ed McMahon if
he showed up on my doorstep. My standards may be low,
but I draw the line at accepting money from corpses.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



My wife is driving me crazy with nagging! I came
back from the store with the list she gave me and now
she's all on my case because I forgot ONE little kid.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I felt cranky this morning because I woke
up on the wrong side of the driveway again.

(Lori Petterson)



I don't think it would be that great to be a
snowman, staring out at a world blanketed in
snow. It must be like you standing in your
front yard, seeing your own neighborhood covered
in six inches of freshly fallen human viscera.

(Brad Hamer)



I'm not a religious man. I have no desire to
be born again. Even if I wanted to, I seriously
doubt I could ever convince my mom to try it.

(Anthony Myers)



I have a friend who's into meth, but I'm still
going to invite him to my Christmas party. Not
only do I want to reach out to him, but I also
feel like he'll be easy to beat if we play Jenga.

(Reid Kerr)



So I finally get up the courage to
join Weight Watchers, and then those
sick bastards keep sending me food!

(Mark D. Sabien)



Okay, so maybe I didn't realize there
was a difference between "exhibitors"
and "exhibitionists," but I sure made
a boatload of money at the flea market. 

(Jill Gallagher)



They should put an extra piece in
those 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles.
You know, in case you lose one.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I wouldn't mind being the last person on earth.
At least I could get that "sock puppet on
the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower"
fantasy out of my head once and for all.

(Lori Petterson)



I don't care what the judge said, taking that
hooker off the streets and into my hotel room
for an hour is community service in my book!

(Paul Hannah)



I want a pet I can keep in my pocket --
like a toad or turtle, or a dead budgie
or a reasonably sized chunk of dachshund.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all
the world, she walks into mine, orders a drink,
punches a waitress, flashes the room *and* delivers
a baby. And guess whose camera-phone battery died!

(Mark D. Sabien)



They say you catch more flies with honey
than vinegar. I say: Don't knock bullshit.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



Apparently there's this website, WheresGeorge.com,
that will enable you enter a serial number to track
where your dollar bills have been. That's gotta
be a lot more accurate than my tasting method.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I may have to reverse the polarity on my
car. It's supposed to be a total chick magnet,
but so far it only seems to repel them.

(Wiley)



If an evil wizard ever turned me into a half-dog
werebeast monstrosity, I'd hope it'd be my lower
half that was all dog, because I'd want him
to see me laugh while I pooped in his yard.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



Einstein said: In the middle of difficulty lies
opportunity. But good luck finding the "middle"
of anything in 4-dimensional curved space-time.

(The Covert Comic)



I love asterisks, capital letters, added emphasis
and sexual innuendo, but not in *THAT* way.

(James Knowles)



I like Katy Perry. I'm probably not
going to buy her album, but if she did a
commercial for the Shake-Weight, I'd watch it.

(Reid Kerr)



I like Katy Perry. I'm probably not
going to buy her album, but if she did a
commercial for the Shake-Weight, I'd watch it.

(Reid Kerr)



It's all moping around and looking under
furniture until someone finds a lost eye.

(The Covert Comic)



It's all moping around and looking under
furniture until someone finds a lost eye.

(The Covert Comic)



After passing walking down yet another aisle stocked
with nothing but organic donuts and bagels, I
realized why I enjoy shopping at Hole Foods.

(Kim Moser)



The true test of inner strength
is finding both stalls occupied.

(Mark D. Sabien)



You'd think politicians would have a little more
respect. I continually pass up a lot of great
felony opportunities in my life so I can vote.

(Maripat Elroy)



I dropped by a rival gym to see what their spinning
classes were like. Man, you work up quite a sweat
when you use those stationary bikes, and end up
considerably less dizzy that my cycle-free version.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I didn't want to tell the owner of the shoe store
how to run his business, but I still think
his "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" sign
was costing him a lot of potential customers.

(Anthony Myers)



I have a canker sore on the inside of my upper
lip that is shaped like a perfect valentine. You'd
think women would find something like that romantic,
but so far I haven’t found that to be the case.

(Anthony Myers)



It's true that when the going gets tough,
the tough get going. But also when the going
gets tough, the weak and lazy just give up
and go back bed. At least that's what I do.

(David Hirning)



*I* believe the children are our furniture.

(Bob Van Voris)



If the weight-laden deck-swabbing or the tricep-
burning mainsail pulls don't do me in, surely the
high-step-cardio plank-marching is going to make
me regret signing up for this Pirates class.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I just got one of those crazy 5-blade razors.
The first blade lifts the hair. The second one
cuts the hair. The third blade cuts it again!
The fourth blade is a sneaky bastard who waits
for the hair to relax and then cuts it again!
Then the fifth blade goes to the hair's
house and beats the crap out of its mother.

(David Kass)



I can't tell if it was the weekend's Halloween
fun or my volunteering to help drive a bunch of
Chicago voters to the polls yesterday, but now
I can't get the dead corpse smell out of my minivan.

(Mark D. Sabien)



To alleviate my public speaking phobia, my speech
instructor suggested I envision the audience naked.
Though it initially seemed to work, I soon realized
it was replaced with a new phobia: the fear of getting
wood in front of my co-workers during a staff meeting.

(Jim Woodruff)



There's nothing more embarrassing than strolling
into the office humming "It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day,"
then hearing the hushed whispers of co-workers
and realizing it's only a hap-happy day.

(The Covert Comic)



I suffer from pre-traumatic stress disorder.
I don't know what's going to happen, or
even when something traumatic will happen,
but you can bet your ass I'll be screaming
and crying hours before it goes down.

(Anthony Myers)



It's tough being dyslexic. Every time
*I* masturbate, a kitten kills God!

(Jim Woodruff)



I decided to beat the retail stores at their
own game by putting up *my* Christmas decorations
before this Halloween. And for those of you who
may point out that some stores already have their
holiday displays out, well note that I'm putting
up mine in preparation for *next* year. Ha!

(Mark D. Sabien)



If God really just wants to walk
beside me, why doesn't He ever pay
the cover charge when we go clubbing?

(Jim Woodruff)



I saw a bumper sticker that said: "Don't Let This
Car Fool You, My Real Treasure Is In Heaven."
I'm sorry, but if heaven is even better than
a 1998 Ford Escort, I'm going to have to
seriously reconsider this whole atheism thing.

(The Covert Comic)



You know you're not a fashionista when
you look at a piece and think, "On what
part of your body do you put that?"

(Daina Schatz)



If celebrity deaths do come in threes,
I'm hoping that June Cleaver and Howard
Cunningham will soon be dispensing pearls
of heavenly sitcom wisdom to *anyone*
from the cast of "Jersey Shore."

(Mark D. Sabien)



The key to being a really fashionable teen
mom is proper accessorizing: Trucker cap,
sunglasses, glitter, lip ring, baby.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I hate that dream where you have to pee
really bad and you wake up and have to
run to the bathroom before you pee all
over yourself. But it's still better than
the one where you dream you’re stranded
alone on an island and you have to remove
your own appendix before it bursts and you
wake up and have to run to the ER before
you bleed to death. I REALLY hate that one.

(Anthony Myers)



A bad meeting is one in which they spread fifteen
minute's worth of information over an hour-and-a-half.
A good meeting is when they also bring donuts.

(David Kass)



Whoever said "Babies don't come with
an instruction manual" obviously
never purchased one on the Internet.

(The Covert Comic)



Women are so fickle. My wife she told me that
we should live every day like it's our last,
then she complains about how I spend every
day smoking crack and banging her sister.

(Gus)



I was never a great athlete, but I do hold
one record: I was hit by a pitch 39 times
in a single season. It was 30 years ago,
but it still stands as the T-ball record.

(Anthony Myers)



I've heard about this "Speed Dating," where a guy
and a girl meet for 10 minutes and then move on
to the next person. Sounds great, but if you have
sex, what do you do for the other six minutes?

(Wiley)



If you try to hand a woman something that's
enclosed in your fist, she'll always think
you're about to hand her a bug. Even if you've
known her for years and never tried to give
her a bug before. They never let their guard
down when it comes to being handed a bug.

(Anthony Myers)



I was having a good laugh mocking that guy
at the biker bar about his cheesy barbed wire
tattoo -- until I realized it wasn't a tattoo.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I wonder if the markings on a panda's
coat correspond to white and dark meat.

(Bob Van Voris)



Call me a sappy old romantic if you will, but it
seems that every time I have a cast iron frying
pan in my hand I have an overwhelming urge
to clobber some man over the head with it.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



My favorite part of tailgating isn't the
booze or the food -- it's how easy it is to
tip over drunk people as they urinate in public.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I got my passport photos done in a rush, coming in from
the pouring rain just as the store was about to close.
Later when I saw the terrible photos, I asked my husband,
"Why didn't you tell me my hair was sticking up all
over and I looked this bad?" He said, "I just figured
you wanted to look like you do when we're traveling."

(Lori Petterson)



I'd like to buy the world a Coke. Just one,
though. That way it would teach everyone to share.

(Anthony Myers)



I didn't know that lethargy was a symptom
of Lyme disease in cats. Holy smokes!
My cat has had Lyme disease his entire life!

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Fortune favors those in motion. 
And don't forget: Oozing is a type of motion.

(The Covert Comic)



I've heard that the Eskimos have over 80 words
to describe snow. Hell, they should get jobs in
the Lipstick Color Naming Department at Revlon.

(James Knowles)



My husband says he won't buy me the crossbow
I asked for for Christmas. He says I might
accidentally shoot him. I suppose there's a
fine line between "accident" and "on purpose."

(Lori Petterson)



One of our cats sits on the toilet lid and
stares at the shower curtain while we take a
shower. We're not sure if he's life-guarding
or just amazed about how brave we are.

(Lori Petterson)



What I should have said: "Honey, you have
this scintillating glow about you today;
this air of femininity." What I said:
"You're not pregnant again, are you?"

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



Last night I took a long look in the mirror, and
I realized I desperately needed to make a change
in my life. So first thing this morning, I got up,
drove to the store and bought myself a new mirror.

(The Covert Comic)



She didn't have any super powers; but
with a name like "Commander Crotch Punch,"
I suspect she really didn't need them.

(Jim Woodruff)



On a really long car trip, I was having the best
dream about being in the spotlight accepting some
kind of award. Then some bitch going the right way
on the freeway had to blow her horn and wake me up.

(Lori Petterson)



I'm sure Bobby McFerrin never could have
envisioned that so many people would listen
to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and immediately
feel the urge to strangle the person next to them.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Can you buy those hotel "Do not disturb"
signs? I want one to wear as a necklace. 

(Jill Gallagher)



I think it's pretty pointless to pee
in the shower to save water by flushing
the toilet less. The real savings are
generated by BATHING in the toilet.

(The Covert Comic)



My wife ripped me a new one after she found out I
peed in the shower. Now I've got to get out of the
house before she sees what I did in the bathtub.

(Jim Woodruff)



I don't think I could ever be "born again,"
like some of those Evangelicals I see.
I don't remember much from the first time,
but umbilical cords freak me out, and
I seriously doubt my mom would go for it.

(Wiley)



I should have read the label more carefully;
it turns out when you buy "low fat" food products,
all they do is move your cellulite to your ankles.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My research aimed to combine the 11 dimensions
of current string theory with the 29 compatibility
dimensions of eHarmony into a new theory of
evolutionary human sexuality. Or it *would* have
if the MacArthur Foundation hadn't withdrawn support
of my research grant after I included various
brothels on the list of required lab facilities.

(David Gunter)



Last night, my friends and I went to
a geek strip club called "The Hard Disk."
Lame, you say? What if I told you they
only charged $20 for a laptop dance?

(Donald Junter)



I'm thinking PBS would come out WAY ahead
if they let me play the music and let James
Taylor and Carole King make the donations.

(kingneptune)



Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we're
pretty sure Grandpa had a stroke last night.
He's groggy and dreamy this morning, and we
found some lotion and a copy of the 1957 Sears
catalog's lingerie section next to his bed.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I'm guessing typo. I mean, how much fun
would a barrel of donkeys really be?

(Larry Hollister)



Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, lady,
well, shame on Lionel Richie.

(Mark D. Sabien)



To me, the fascinating thing about the
"infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters"
thing is that, like the majority of human
writers, mostly what they'd produce is dung.

(Paul B.)



I'd like to see George Lucas use his sci-fi
revisionism powers for good, like updating
that classic "Star Trek" episode to include a
harmonica-playing Spock accompanying Captain
Kirk on "Nobody Knows the Tribbles I've Seen."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Until my sister clarified that those were
only ultrasound photos, I was convinced
she'd had an affair with a skeleton.

(Mark D. Sabien)



What a waste of time and money. Studying
the 'Tang Dynasty for my Ph.D. isn't nearly
as interesting as I had originally thought.

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



If I was ever about to be eaten by a bear,
I'd smear mayonnaise all over myself. It's
a long shot, but there must be some bears
out there who are watching their figures.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



As a high school teacher, I always try to
boost the self-esteem of teenage girls.
For example: I started using an alternate
scoring system based on bra cup size.

(Siva Kumar)



I sure hope that sheep that provided the organ
for my transplant was a Republican, because I'd
hate to be known as a bleating heart liberal.

(Mark D. Sabien)



The librarian at the public library suggested that
I could get more information regarding my ancestry if
I were to talk to a genealogist about it. That's the
dumbest idea I've ever heard. I don't even have a vagina!

(Anthony Myers)



My favorite part of working out in one
of those 24-hour gyms is you can get three,
maybe four, visits in before some nosy insomniac
complains about "That 3 a.m. Naked Treadmill Guy."

(Mark D. Sabien)



The Perfect Woman: She gets a box that
says "de Beers" on it, and is disappointed
to find it only has diamonds in it.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



If I were the guy who ran the gallows pole,
I'd always ask my clients "How's it hangin'?"
You know, just to relieve that awkward moment
right before I send them to their deaths.

(Jim Woodruff)



Boy, does my wife hate it when I order
the 2-piece white-meat KFC lunch combo
and call it "breast feeding."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Despite my ultra-stealth demeanor and prodigious
talent with throwing stars, I always get
passed over for missions in favor of these
jerks who have degrees in Ninjaneering.

(Mark D. Sabien)



On the one hand, I'm sad my wife figured out how
to turn her old electric toothbrush into a vibrator.
On the other, I really like hew new minty fresh taste.

(Jim Woodruff)



If I were Superman, I think I'd just fight
for truth, justice and the Canadian way.
That seems easier. All I'd ever have to do
is break up an occasional hockey fight, and
make sure criminals say everything twice.
Once in English, and then again in French.

(Anthony Myers)



Some days you get the bull, others
you get the horn. Just hope you're
not the guy who gets the horny bull.

(Paul B.)



Everyone was pretty stoked when we announced
we were getting the band back together, but
the next task was figuring out who had a
garage big enough for the 74 of us to march in.

(Mark D. Sabien)



That expression, "Is that a banana in your pocket
or are you happy to see me?" seems like a terrible
waste of time. If it's THAT big, who really cares?

(Lori Petterson)



When I'm pondering existentialism,
I always lean my head sideways so I
look like a *gangster* philosopher.

(James Knowles)



You had me until "Hello."

(The Covert Comic)



Lysol says there are lots of germs on my hand
soap pump. But how the hell am I supposed to
remember to wash my hands whenever I touch it?

(Scott E. Frank)



I despise it when those jerk perverts call
and wake you up in the middle of the night,
talk dirty for a few minutes, then hang up.
Slow down, Speedy -- give a girl time to catch up!

(Lori Petterson)



I think the most disappointing aspect of
the whole Tiger Woods mess is that none of
his mistresses had the surname "Mulligan."

(Mark D. Sabien)



No one was quite the grill-master
my father was. People gave him the
information he wanted every time.

(Brian J. Noggle)



One of my co-workers told me this morning
that she felt like shit. Well at least
now her feelings match her cologne.

(Lori Petterson)



Men are not as shallow as we're sometimes
made out to be. If you give a man a choice
between saving the universe and getting laid,
he will inevitably choose saving the universe,
after only a second or two of indecision.

(Michael Cunningham)



After my accident, the doctors told
me I shouldn't be alive. It wasn't
a medical opinion, though -- they were
expressing a deeply held personal belief.

(The Covert Comic)



Of course there's a reason to beat
a dead horse. It shows all the
other horses that you mean business.

(Anthony Myers)



Why don't the voices in my head ever tell me
to do something productive, like put knife
down, release the hostages, and get an MBA?

(Jim Woodruff)



I don't like to toot my own horn, but
there was no avoiding it when the late-shift
crew at the Johannesburg Taco Bell
shoved my vuvuzela up my drunk ass.

(Mark D. Sabien)



My girlfriend and are into leaving notes
for each other to find around the house.
You know, the typical mushy stuff like
"Honey, I love you!" "I can't wait to
see you tonight!" and "Flush the meth --
the cops are outside the front door!"

(Kim Moser)



Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask who knew that we were the first country
to elect a president fluent in Yoda-speak.

(Mark D. Sabien)



International soccer needs some new marketing folks.
I'd have become a World Cup fan a decade or
two earlier if I'd known about the drinking.

(Gus Darling)



If you've never seen a 4-year-old stack a
deck with two double purples and a lollipop,
then you're probably not ready for the
hardcore Candyland we play at my house.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous
woman. But that's just because I lost a bet at
sorority party and had to eat a Barbie doll.

(Kim Stewart)



I scream a lot during sex. It really bothers
my husband, though, because I scream things
like, "I really hate this wallpaper!!"

(Lori Petterson)



It's really hard to find good entertainment
for my family of four. How many movies do you
know that have fighting robots, pink unicorns,
tearful confessions and bikini car washes?

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



My girlfriend gave me a musical condom
that plays a piccolo minuet. I think
she's trying to tell me something.

(James Knowles)



Be careful when you hyperbolically joke
that you've got something "up the wazoo,"
because sometimes those TSA agents
won't stop until they've found it.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Our baby daughter always fights being
laid into bed. Sure, it can be pretty
annoying now, but I hope it takes at
least 18 more years for her to outgrow it.

(S.P.)



Not to blame the victim, but let's be honest:
Most people who get bitten by vampires
were probably going to end up selling their
blood down at the local clinic anyway.

(The Covert Comic)



I tell people that the reason I'm packing
away so much food is that I'm eating for two.
I'm not pregnant or anything, but I do have
this "Buy 1 Entree, Get 1 Free" coupon.

(Wiley)



Do not forget that the sun delights to
touch your face, and the breeze to softly
caress your skin. That way you won't
get totally creeped out if this happens.

(The Covert Comic)



I need to either stop dreaming of being a
train conductor or stop drinking so much.
I passed out at a party last night right
after yelling "All aboard!" and the
ride in my dreams got pretty bumpy.

(Lori Petterson)



"Give me freedom or give me death!" could possibly
result in you getting death, so I invented a safer
version. I approach a group of women and cry, "Give
me freedom or give me sex!" Guaranteed freedom --
albeit with some restrictions in the restraining order.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



Some stupid women pay a small fortune to get
their lips puffed up by cosmetic surgeons.
I've found you can get the same effect
for free just by using a few well-chosen
racial slurs on the subway at rush hour.

(Lori Petterson)



When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When life gives you shit, flambe that bad boy
in a paper bag and leave it on life's doorstep.
That'll teach the arrogant asshole.

(Lori Petterson)



How do I know I'm older and wiser?
I used to skip school to watch MTV.
Now I just skip MTV.

(Arthur Dent)



If they take away the right to say "f**k," how
long before they take away the right to say "f##k"?

(The Covert Comic)



My friends say I'm a good catch, but I guess
I need to find guys with more sophisticated
senses of humor. My dates never seem to get
it when I leave the seat up in the bathroom.
C'mon, everyone knows the ol' "Crying Game" gag.

(Maripat Elroy)



There's nothing quite as rewarding as entering
a room and seeing your child's face light up --
because it confirms that you finally got the
wiring and the LED bulb grafts right this time.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Mom taught me I should always have
on clean underwear in case I'm in an
accident. Experience taught me they
should always be MEN'S underwear.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



If you ask me, packing your top five favorite
albums for any trip is just begging for trouble.

(David Gunter)



I hate it when I pay for legal advice
that ends up getting me in *more* trouble
than I was in originally. It almost makes
me want to give back the free corndog.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I call it "life-saving Heimlich maneuver,"
but some unappreciative women call it "groping."
And guess who got the insensitive judge that
makes narrow interpretations of the law? Again!

(Maurizio Mariotti)



The thing about writing Ruminations while sitting
on a high-tech toilet is that everyone knows
the exact MMMMMOOOOment the bidet hits you.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I finally found out what I did to make
my wife so angry with me: married her.

(Wiley)



I used to work at a place where people
got all pissy when I told dirty jokes.
Screw them *and* their vow of silence.

(Lori Petterson)



I really enjoy sex on a train. Maybe it's
the rocking motion or the roaring noise
the train makes. Or maybe it's the reaction
on the face of the person in the next seat.

(Lori Petterson)



They say you should never raise your
hand to your children, but how else am I
supposed to request permission to speak?

(The Covert Comic)



I was bitten by a radioactive grandmother
and turned into Doily-Man. My costume is
disgustingly see-through and my superpower
seems to be mega-hyper sexual abstinence.

(James Knowles)



Know what's worse than finding animal
fur all over your car seat? Noticing
that it's blowing in from the air vent.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm too young to say "Va-va-va-VOOM!" and
too old to go "SHWING!" I guess I'm one of
that lost generation stuck with "Hubba hubba!"

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I told my wife I would understand if she found
another lover after I was gone, because life
goes on, and she is a beautiful, vibrant woman
who should not be alone. However, I meant "gone"
as in "dead," not gone as in "at the office."

(Wiley)



My wife said yesterday that she's worried I'm
becoming a workaholic. Well, this 32-slide
Powerpoint presentation I put together
overnight should convince her otherwise.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When exploring life's labyrinth,
leave no stone unturned. When wandering
marijuana's maze, leave no turn unstoned.

(Larry Baum)



After accidentally bringing the wrong
tool, I thought the mohel would never
get that poor kid circumcised, but
he finally managed to pull it off.

(Jerry L. Embry)



I had always heard that the United States
was less antisemitic than the rest of the
world, but here in California they really
love the Hebrew people. Almost everywhere
I go I see signs that say "Yosemite."

(Julie Nusbaum)



That guy who made the movie "300" got a
lot of flack for the way the enemy army was
portrayed. Oh, c'mon -- it's not like he chose
monstrous-looking actors just to cast aspersians.

(Larry Hollister)



My brother has an allergy to certain
wheat products, but he still tries
to eat them whenever he can. I think
he's just a gluten for punishment.

(Wiley)



Earlier this week, I sent in ten
Rumination submissions, hoping
that some of them would get published.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

(Josh Sinnett)



I really enjoy living the single life, but
my altar ego thinks I should get married.

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



Have you ever fallen for a girl so hard
that whenever you're around her, you get
gassy? Well, I'm completely inflatuated!

(Mark D. Sabien)



I was in such a hurry when I left the
beach that I didn't bother changing before
racing home. Wouldn't you know it: I got
pulled over and given a Speedo ticket.

(Phil Garding)



I ride to my job with several co-workers.
Problem is, I always start screaming when
the car passes through the excavation that
allows the road to pass through the mountain.
My psychiatrist says it's the worst case
of Carpool Tunnel Syndrome he's ever seen.

(Paul B.)



I could tell we were in for a long night at work
when our supervisor raised a megaphone to his lips
and yelled, "Gentlemen, start your catheters!"

(Mark D. Sabien)



There I was, dancing to a Latin beat
with none other than Eric Estrada.
That's the last time I order
CHiPs and salsa from THAT place.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I believe you can learn a lot from spending
time around small children -- assuming
you don't already know what a cow says or
what the damn wheels on the damn bus do.

(Anthony Myers)



I think the lottery would be more exciting
if they drew TWO different sets of numbers:
first set, to see who wins the money;
second set, to see who gets executed.
With my luck, I'd have both tickets.

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



I just called the front desk requesting
turn down service, and she said no.

(Mark D. Sabien)



In hindsight, I suppose I should have instead told my
wife that I had a great time this afternoon with a
"foursome which lost a member before teeing off the
first hole." Then maybe I'd have TWO working testicles.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I'm going to take up knitting as a hobby, and my
first project will be a nice warm pair of crotchless
panties. I know what you're thinking: "That's very
sensible, to start off on something simple and easy,
instead of going straight for the big fuzzy sweater."

(S.P.)



In my defense, it's only one little letter.
Nevertheless, the judge wasn't buying my
argument that slaughter is the best medicine.

(Ian Dauphinee)



Rusty won't accept my Facebook friend
request. "Man's best friend," my ass!

(Shawn Stephens)



Everyone in my department got laid off
except me. So now there's *only* I in team.

(The Covert Comic)



I don't want to be an alarmist, but what
the hell else can you do with this crappy
Clock Radio Tech degree from DeVry?

(Mark D. Sabien)



I think if that Justin Bieber kid were
a vampire, he would COMPLETELY own the
11-to-14-year-old-girl demographic.

(Ian Dauphinee)



Not that I'm complaining, but I think the
sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood
when I told her I wanted one nightstand.

(The Covert Comic)



I'd gladly serve Gaia to celebrate Earth Day,
but I'm unsure of what wine to pair with her.

(Brian J. Noggle)



I'd imagine there are a *lot* of things
more fun than a barrel of monkeys, but
maybe I'm just bitter because the one I
ordered online arrived without any air holes.

(Mark D. Sabien)



For the sake of realism, they really should
make a few scenes where Superman arrives at
the bad guys' lair covered in bird guts.

(Anthony Myers)



I overheard two young women talking, and
one looked at me and said, "If I were 50
and still single, I would do that guy."
I guess that makes me bucket-licious.

(Wayne Lloyd)



If you're evil, but you're working hard to change,
I'll bet a major milestone is when people start
referring to it as your house instead of your lair.

(The Covert Comic)



Songwriting tip: "Anywhere" is a
delicate alternative to admitting
the midnight train is going to Akron.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I ve been trying to hire an au pair for about
six months now, but so far I haven't been
able to find one willing to work for me.
They all suspicious and question your motives
when they find out you don't have any children.

(Anthony Myers)



MY fantasy baseball is where when the ball is hit,
it flies waaaaaay up and turns into an enormous
pinata, which explodes and everybody gets candy.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



If I lived in a country rife with civil unrest,
I'd always hold the door for my dates, because
you never know when a bomb is on the other side.
Plus, I'd only date really large ladies.

(Michael Cunningham)



They say any publicity is good publicity,
so I guess I shouldn't complain, but I can't
help feeling a little insulted. And confused
-- I had always thought those "Worst Dressed"
lists were limited to famous people.

(Anthony Myers)



I've started forwarding all the email I get from
that Nigerian prince to the pharmaceutical company
that sends me email telling me they can enlarge my
"maleness." I'm thinking the prince might want to
invest some of his $30 million in that sweet deal.

(Steven Lunetta)



What you name a product often plays the most
important role in determining its success.
I learned this the hard way; while those
"Girls Gone Wild" DVDs sell like crazy, my
own "Girls Presenting Symptoms of Severe
Mental Psychosis" DVDs never sold worth a damn.

(Anthony Myers)



My wife thought she could really get me good on
April Fool's Day with her "Whoopee cushion on the
car seat" gag. But I think I trumped her with the ol'
"backing the sedan through the garage door" routine.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Often when I come in to work,
I look around and ask myself,
"Well, what's gonna happen today?"

(Angelina Fursine)



I have an idea for a construction business:
I can build houses out of campfire wood that
I stack personally. Apparently, the finished
houses would be completely and utterly fireproof.

(Rich Haney)



Apparently, all around Area 51 there are signs
warning trespassers that extreme force will be used
against them. I think it would be more befitting
if there were signs saying, "Warning! Trespassers
will be subjected to extensive anal probing."

(Maurizio Mariotti)



Life sucks, then you die. 
It's *that* great an orgasm.

(The Covert Comic)



I think I could be a Jedi, but so far, I
can only get the Force to work on grocery-
store doors and hand-towel dispensers.

(John English)



Every time I click on messages from
this one guy, they keep showing up
again and again in my inbox! And
who the heck is Mark Unread anyway?

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I'm no physicist, but I'll bet that in
the fourth dimension, "thinking outside
the tesseract" is physically impossible.

(The Covert Comic)



Suddenly there are all these reality TV shows
about people with dozens of kids and how they
manage to go about their days. Shouldn't at least
one of them be called "The Eighteenth Century"?

(Wayne Lloyd)



No one ever threatens to prosecute somebody
to half the extent of the law -- it's always
the full extent. Some department store should
only prosecute shoplifters to 90% of the extent
of the law. It would be good PR: It would show
the community that while they may be tough
on shoplifters, they still have a heart.

(Anthony Myers)



With apologies to the adage-quoting visitors
who keep interrupting my morphine haze, I'm not
sure exactly how getting brained by a concrete
block and tumbling from atop fifteen feet of
scaffolding is supposed to "make me stronger."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Some guys just don't know when to quit.
Personally, I've found that Thursdays work best
for me. That way you can just pick up your last
check on Friday and have a three-day weekend.

(Anthony Myers)



I object to the term X-ray. It's
taking the "Christ" out of "Christ-ray."

(Wade Kwon)



Nothing ends a blind date faster than
when you're walking through the park
and you exclaim, "Ooooh! Stray earbud!"

(Mark D. Sabien)



I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday
and was amused as he paired a giraffe top with an
elephant bottom. The fun stopped later, though, when
I was arrested and charged with Garanimal cruelty.

(Wayne Lloyd)



When I die I hope people will remember me
as a kind person who would always make time
to help those less fortunate than myself.
I figure my best chance for that happening
is if they confuse me with someone
other guy who looked a lot like me.

(Anthony Myers)



They say the truth will set you free.
Just be sure there aren't any cops
within earshot when you try this one out.

(Paul B.)



I'd say the worst part of starting a brand new
relationship is discovering she lives in a place
with a spiral staircase and then having to dump
her. Like hell I'm gonna someday have to
move a queen bed or armoire down that thing.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Attention, working men! The national research project
to determine whether work gloves will fly out of the
open bed of a moving pickup truck has now concluded.
Please resume storing your gloves in the cab of
your truck when driving, and thank you for your 
participation in this important and valuable study.

(The Covert Comic)



I'll bet more kids would sign up for the debate
team in high school if they only knew how vital it
would be in kicking total ASS during lunch-hour pop
culture arguments in the Best Buy breakroom someday.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I turned around and the ship was being stormed
by thieves, though all they stole was the ship's
collection of fine wine. Apparently, we we're
the latest to be attacked by sommelier pirates.

(Bryan Cox)



If I ever have a daughter, I won't let her
play with Barbie dolls because I think they
create unrealistic body images for girls.
In the real world, what are the odds
that a young girl will ever grow up to
be only eleven and a half inches tall?

(Anthony Myers)



When God closes a door, he opens a window.
When God farts, he opens two windows,
for the cross-ventilation effect.

(Bob Van Voris)



At this point Pope John Paul II's
beatification looks pretty much assured --
barring allegations of steroid use, of course.

(The Covert Comic)



Please give generously to the
Keep "We Are the World" From Getting
Stuck in Travis' Head Foundation.

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



I think a cool reality cross-over show would be
"Survivor: Biggest Loser." Sure, you might tire of
the intensified complaining as there would be no
trainers or structured workouts to keep the overweight
contestant occupied, but things would really heat up by
day 10 when they start killing each other for food.

(Mark D. Sabien)



Oh, come on -- I can't possibly be the
only person ever expelled from Farmville
for playing with sheep in *that* way.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



The most tragic part of J.D. Salinger's passing
is that disaffected curmudgeons now no longer
have someone at whom they can point and say,
"Well, at least I'm not *that* much of a dick."

(Mark D. Sabien)



Einstein said, "God doesn't play dice with
the universe." It's true -- he's too smart
and knows the house odds are just too high.
He mostly sticks with Blackjack and Baccarat.

(Anthony Myers)



The first 30 years of my life, I was intense
and results-driven. In my current 30, I am more
circumspect and purpose-driven. I suppose my next
30 will likely find me arthritic and Rascal-driven.

(Carl Knorr)



Women can be so damned picky. How was I
supposed to know the chocolate hearts she
wanted for Valentine's Day were 100% chocolate
and not just chocolate-filled *actual* hearts?

(Gene Gauthier)



Every day I wake up, it gives me comfort to
realize that there's at least one thing upon
which all faiths and creeds around the world
can agree: There are serious and obvious
flaws in all religions except their own.

(Michael Cunningham)



If you're ever invited to a NAMBLA Halloween
party, a good idea for a costume would
be to go as Dateline NBC's Chris Hanson.

(Mark D. Sabien)



We all have regrets from time to time.
I'm sure one day I'll be lying on my deathbed
wishing that I had just spent the extra money
to get some other, better kind of bed.

(Anthony Myers)



When my boss brags about her clothes, she's all
like, "This scarf took 18 months to weave from
solid platinum. Three sherpas lost their lives."
When I brag about my clothes, I'm all like, "These
pants was already in the dollar bucket, but they
gave me half off on account of a goat puked on them."

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



If you're flying somewhere, don't even think
about sitting next to the pilot. Not only is
that seat reserved for the co-pilot, but yelling
"Shotgun!" in an airport pretty much guarantees
they're not going to let you on the plane.

(Anthony Myers)



Behind every successful man is
a strong woman, except for the man
who invented that talking sex robot.

(Chuck Bonner)



When I was a little kid we had a hamster.
One day the hamster ate its newborn babies.
That was pretty gross, so we decided to just
go ahead and get rid of it. We took it down
the road and left it to fend for itself.
It was a great lesson for a kid to learn,
because I knew what to do 12 years later when
the exact same thing happened with my sister.

(Anthony Myers)



I think it would be cool if they came
out with an "Extreme Wonderbra," where
guys would never know beforehand what was
behind it -- like a wolverine or a pizza.

(Mark D. Sabien)



When I went to leave my house today, there
were so many birds outside that it was
really scary, like an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
I can't think of which one, though.

(Wiley)



It's not a loophole -- it's a policy
flexibility assurance aperture.

(The Covert Comic)



I cried when I had no shoes,
until I met a man with only one
leg at an ass-kicking contest.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



My wife told me she'd like to be completely
pampered for Valentine's Day, and I'll do my best
to oblige. I only hope she's okay with the fact
that in her size, I could only find Depends.

(Mark D. Sabien)



I wish they'd taught abstinence back when
I was in school. I was so good at not getting
laid back then, I would have screwed up the
grading curve for the rest of the class.

(Anthony Myers)



It's dogs! Iams ProActive
Soylent Health Formula is DOGS!

(Travis Ruetenik/@Torasan04)



How does that debt counseling service
think they're going to convince me they're
legit if they won't accept credit cards?

(The Covert Comic)



I decided to freeze my sperm for use by future
generations should male fertility be destroyed
by alien plagues. Unfortunately, neither the cop
nor the 7-Eleven manager thought that was a valid
reason for my 'nads to be in the slushy machine.

(James Knowles)



Prediction for 2010: The states of New York and
New Jersey will merge and be called New Jerk.

(The Covert Comic)



For me, the best part of waking up is
knowing I can afford to go to Starbucks
and not have to drink that Folgers crap.

(Ian Dauphinee)



I'm in a group that does Cold War reenactments.
It's pretty easy -- all you have to do is
sit around and look worried about the USSR.

(Anthony Myers)



What a bargain this invisible fencing is.
It even came with an invisible dog!

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Contrary to what my mom says, I don't lack
ambition. I've already made plans to be buried
with a shotgun and a box of shells so that
someday I'll be the most badass zombie EVER.

(Anthony Myers)



What I like best about being a dad
is no longer being the initial
suspect when the room smells like poo.

(Mark D. Sabien)



After the ear-piercing shrieking, curse-laden
insults and vicious personal attack, I realized
too late that I had mistakenly ordered a Harpy Meal.

(Wiley)



I have a very mild form of bulimia.
After a big meal, I often sneak off by
myself and intentionally drool a lot.

(Anthony Myers)



I tried making Grandpa's funeral fun by having him
dressed in a clown suit. Nobody appreciated it, though.
Was it his oversized shoes, his flower that squirted
water at the mourners, or my constantly beeping that big,
irresistible red nose that caused such a disturbance?

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Memo to self: Stop addressing little notes
as "Memo to Self." It's not necessary and
wastes time, as you're in all likelihood
able to recognize your own handwriting.

(Anthony Myers)






© 1998-2009.  All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.