Ruminations







Got filthy thoughts
on your mind?

Send them to us!


Filthy Ruminations!


If you have to say "Fuck it, send" at the
end, then damn right you should send it.
That's what we're here for, to read that shit.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



"If you want something done right,
do it yourself." - Masturbators

(R.M. Weiner)



I don't think I'd be so tired
masturbating to porn here at
work if I wasn't up all night
masturbating to porn at home.

(Tyson Grubbs)



IDEA! A free sip of strong espresso
before you order at the coffee shop.
So nobody's drink goes cold while
they're waiting in line to shit.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



Choo choo? That's your best train sound?
Motherfucker, stand back while I BLOW YOUR MIND.
- Why I'm not allowed to play trains with my niece

(R.M. Weiner)



"Hey Mother, want another?" Some dude
trying to get rid of a broken condom.

(Greg Preece/@NakedCritic)



Prenatal ultrasound:
Our first dick pics.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



What the fuck? That disgusting
"scat party" had absolutely nothing
to do with jazz vocal improvisation
using nonsense syllables! It was gross.
Luckily, I can get it out of my head by
showing off my barefoot skiing skills
at tomorrow night's watersports party.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Turns out that my wife ascribes to
a double standard during sex: using
"cum" as a verb is acceptable,
whereas using it as a noun is not.

(Dererk Hansfield)



None of the girls at the salon will
wax my ass after they saw my vestigial
tail because now they think I'm a demon.

(Dan Burt)



With my pants around my ankles,
I'm having a jet of water shot up
my ass. Guess which room of the house
I'm in? Yep, your mom's bedroom.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I have a penis and know how
to cook. Laydeez! I'm one-stop
shopping for feeding and fucking!

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



The new guy I'm dating is going to be
so happy about his birthday present.
It was a no-brainer, though, getting him
water skis, since he he's been telling
me for weeks he's into watersports.

(Trish Weichim)



"You CAN Go Fuck Yourself!"
- AutoerotiCon 2014 Seminar

(R.M. Weiner)



My dog likes to sniff bushes while he
poops, lending a lot of weight to my
theories that shrubs are just dog magazines.

(R.M. Weiner)



"This here."
"What is some bullshit?"
"Can you be more specific?"
"What is some bullshit, right here?"
"Correct!"
- Ghetto Jeopardy

(R.M. Weiner)



Zit or baby spider-filled cyst? *POP* Zit.
Zit or baby spider-filled cyst? *POP* Zit.
Zit or baby spider-filled cyst?

(R.M. Weiner)



I'm so cool I knew William Shatner
when he was still William Shittingner.

(R.M. Weiner)



I'm so cool I knew William Shatner
when he was still William Shittingner.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I'll bet that when Audrey Hepburn farted,
it sounded like a playful piccolo solo.

(R.M. Weiner)



When I looked down to see my penis
was swollen large and turning green,
I started to panic. Then I realized
I'd mistakenly purchased "Shrek" condoms.

(Sib Mandrake)



Apparently a red light outside a whorehouse
doesn't mean the same thing as at a traffic
light. Blue balls seem universal, though.

(R.M. Weiner)



Judging from all the gagging and vomiting,
I'm guessing the other passengers had never
seen somebody eat a bunch of melted Reese's
cups before. At least not out of a diaper.

(Bob Van Voris)



If you can't tell the difference between
my erect penis and a pocketed banana,
why the hell should I be happy?

(inspired by R.M. Weiner)



I like my women like I like my grilled
cheese sandwiches: slightly toasted,
cheesy, and with really large tits.

(Dwight Burke)



The reason I keep going back to Cherry
is that she appreciates my eccentricities,
like using exactly 2.5 tablespoons of lube,
and that it has to be applied clockwise
to both my cock and her sphincter,
once before and once midway through.
Yep, I'm *very* anal about anal.

(Sam Stipe)



I don't even like to bargain or haggle,
but one of my favorite words in the
English language is still "dicker."

(Michael Cunningham)



My dog taught me to how lick my balls.
Then he showed me how to scratch behind my
ear with my back leg, because I needed TWO
tricks for this last New Year's Eve party.

(Dwight Burke)



The song says you can't hurry love,
yet my boyfriend manages to cum in
less than 60 seconds every damn time.

(Jilly G.)



The best thing about solitary confinement:
Nobody walks in while I'm masturbating.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



Shaved my balls tonight, and man
was it painful! The worst part was
getting them out of my scrotum.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I just learned a new riff on my
ukulele, in case you were wondering
where all this pussy came from.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I used to feel confident because so
many gay dudes were hot for me. Then
I realized that gay dudes, like me,
will stick their dicks in anything.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I'll bet it's hard being an elf. Not
only do you spend your entire life making
toys, but you also have a little elf dick.

(Tim H. Richweis)



You know it's time to find a new
boyfriend when you tell him you're
feeling sick and he responds with,
"So I guess anal's a 'no-go' then?"

(Reba Mandkis)



Now that "Cyber Monday" shopping is out of
the way, I'm ready for all the great sex toy
deals available during "Titty-rific Tuesday."

("Jerkin' Jerry" Rimsdorff)



Sometimes I sit and think about all
the great jack-in-the-box references
I could make if my name were Jack
and I were a gynecologist.

(Marco C.)



I was wrist-deep inside of my girlfriend
and thought to myself, "There's GOT to be
a filthy Rumination in here somewhere."

(Jilly G.)



When my boyfriend started calling me his
Rose Garden, I thought it was because I was
sweet and smelled nice. Turns out it was because
of all the little pricks I've had in my bush.

(Jilly G.)



Yes she was pretty and classy with a
quick wit, and sure we had lots in common,
but what really sealed the deal was her
"Deliveries in the Rear" tramp stamp.

(Brad Wilkerson)



"Oh, the Places You'll Go!" has a very
different meaning for those into scat.

(Jilly G.)



There was no way around it: The lump
that appeared in my pants was visible
to everyone else in the meeting room.
Thinking fast, I went "BAWK!"

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I got my super power the same way Spider-Man
did. Except instead of my hand, I got bit on my
cock. And instead of a radioactive spider, it was
a cheap hooker. And my "power" is Hepatitis C.
Other than that though, it's exactly the same.

(Brad Wilkerson)



I thought my leaf blower costume was
a great idea until every guy in the
neighborhood dressed up as a leaf.

(Jilly G.)



I don't really find back of the neck
tattoos attractive on a woman, but
I do appreciate having something to
read during sex -- so thanks, ladies!

(Brad Wilkerson)



The best things about sleeping with women:
their softness, their warmth and their
inability to poke me in the ass with a boner.

(Jilly G.)



I'm guessing the people into scat
play are not the same people responsible
for having to clean up afterwards.

(Brad Wilkerson)



With its backward-curving fangs and quick-acting
venom, the Mexican tarantula is widely known
for giving the animal kingdom's worst blowjob.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



There is literally nothing in the
world you could name that men haven't
jerked it to or tried to fuck.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



After watching a porn movie, I can
never recall the entire plot --
I just remember a few snatches.

(Kim Moser)



Funny, you'd think my boyfriend would've
been *more* aroused when I emerged from
the bathroom naked, purring that I wanted
to be on top tonight because that last
dump made me a full two pounds lighter.

(Reba Mandkis)



I made the mistake of shopping for a new bed
with my wife. While the salesperson was more
than happy to indulge her questions about
"plushness" and "comfort," all I received was
blank stares when I voiced concerns about the
bedframe's durability when I'm ramming it home.

(Sib Mandrake)



I fell asleep with the "calming
nature rhythms" station on and woke
in a cold sweat when humpback whales
were about to fuck on top of me.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



I think getting Amanda Bynes alone would
be the hard part. Convincing her my cock
dispenses thorazine should be a piece of cake.

(Brad Wilkerson)



Nothing says "love" like not being
asked to explain why there's a "My
Pretty Pony" hoof-deep in your vajayay.

(Jilly G.)



A gentle brush of the tit across
the back of the arm is enough to
get any guy in the bar's attention.
Use your power responsibly, ladies.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



If I could be young again,
I'd become a Flamenco dancer.
High school beatings only last four
years, but I'd have decades of pussy.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



FUN FACT: Guys named Kevin who owe me twenty
bucks can't achieve erections unless the girl
farts in their stupid fugly face. RIGHT, KEVIN?

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



When I got exhausted keeping up with
my girlfriend's desire for sex, she
suggested bringing other guys into the
bedroom to help, and I agreed. The
problem is that she goes through so many
of them, I get exhausted just watching.

(Ronny Masters)



I hate dating a pharmacist. He always puts
stickers on me saying, "Not to be taken orally."

(Jilly G.)



Sure, I robbed that bank. I heard
that cute bank teller fingered
lots of suspects in the past.

(Jilly G.)



"Slowly Encroaching Chocolate"
is a level on Candy Crush Saga.
It's also a pretty fair descriptor
for the state of my underwear.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



According to that song, the waiting
is the hardest part. I'm guessing
that's why they hire fluffers.

(Jilly G.)



My stupid boyfriend will do anything
I dare him to, including taking off
his bathing suit at the public pool and
showing everyone his junk. It was pretty
damned funny until the cops showed up,
at which point I totally denied he was
my boyfriend. Hey, I don't want to be
with anyone stupid enough to do that
kind of shit just because I dare him.

(Lisa Dreyer)



I've never understood the phrase
"just for shits and giggles"
because the two have always
been mutually exclusive for me.

(Marco C.)



Got through a whole evening out without
any inappropriate boners. I just hope I'm
ready next time a boner is appropriate.

(Travis Ruetenik/@b0nrmunky)



You know that feeling you've experienced
something before, only it's not *exactly*
the same as you remember? Well the prostitute
told me we should call it a "déjà do-over,"
right before she noted that when we were
college classmates together, she was a man.

(Sib Mandrake)



No idea why my breakfast date was so
surprised that I pulled out my tits
during the meal. I clearly heard him
say he wanted milk with his coffee.

(Jilly G.)



If cannibal lesbians say they
want to eat each other,
is it sexy or threatening?

(Jilly G.)



Finishing up my letter to the Penthouse Forum.
Which has a better ring, "puss-stache" or "veard?"

(Trevor Rootbier/@b0nrmunky)



I call my penis The Gun, because, honestly,
it should probably be much more strictly
regulated in order to prevent future tragedies.

(R.M. Weiner/@rmfnord)



I'm trying to select a penis-shaped
cake for a friend. Which one uses
real gluten-free organic flour,
Cockasaurus or Diggly Wiggler?

(Trevor Rootbier/@b0nrmunky)



Sometimes when I'm having sex with my
girlfriend, I imagine that I'm with
another woman. Then again, so does she.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I hereby aver that if I ever steal
somebody else's filthy Rumination, you
can fuck me up the ass. I secondly aver
that I don't want to be fucked up the ass.

(Trevor Rootbier/@B0nrMunky)



If I was in a Native American Porn, my
name would be Girl With No Gag Reflex.

(Jilly G.)



My two favorite things to do with my
penis are peeing and ladies. What are YOUR
two favorite things to do with my penis?

(Trevor Rootbier/@B0nrMunky)



Whew, thank goodness Week Without Showering
is over! I was feeling pretty scummy. Not
as scummy as Week Without Wiping, but still.

(Michael Cunningham)



I like to tease my boyfriend by telling
him I'm about to get hot, wet and naked.
Dork thinks I'm taking a shower when I'm
actually attending a giant lesbian orgy.

(Jilly G.)



My girlfriend likes to watch me jerk off.
Too bad she doesn't like to watch me eat
Froot Loops and play video games, because
that would pretty much cover my entire day.

(Tim H. Richweis)



There is no "I" in "team," but there
are at least six eyes in a Daisy Chain.

(Dwight Burke)



I'm not saying my boyfriend's penis
is small, but that's only because
he's probably heard it his entire life
and I don't want him to feel bad.

(Amy Peterson)



Jesus, I'm not sure things will
ever be the same between me and my
girlfriend. I could've SWORN she
said she wanted a squirrel necklace.

(Tim H. Richweis)



If I wrote Star Trek, the Prime Directive
would be "Face down, ass up." Maybe
that's why I don't do well with Trekkers.

(Greg Preece / @NakedCritic)



Man, did I ever screw up with my Craigslist ad.
My adventurous girlfriend asked me to organize
a gangbang for her; now how the hell do I get
all these Crips and Bloods out of my apartment?

(Mike Ranston)



My boyfriend and I were frustrated because
we never seem to be on a vacant-enough
flight to join the mile-high club, so
instead we ate a handful of mushrooms
and fucked. That still counts, right?

(Amy Peterson)



When she said was into leather and chains,
I bought her a Harley riding jacket.
When she said she liked watersports,
I naively showed up with my snorkel.
So today when she told me she had some
shit to do around the house, I decided
to stay away altogether, just in case.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I'm not saying my girlfriend's vibrator
isn't loud; I'm just saying her neighbor
should know that helicopters can't land on
the roof because there's no room up there.

(Tim H. Richweis)



It takes a lot of effort to inflate
a new love doll, but it's worth it.
The look of wide-eyed, open-mouthed
excitement when you introduce your
two ladies to each other pretty much
guarantees you a three-way sandwich.

(Dwight Burke)



I was shocked when my boyfriend told
me he'd love to join me for a spa day
yesterday. Turns out he'd seen their
advertisement promising extreme facials.

(Amy Peterson)



The great thing about being bisexual is that
you can get revenge on a woman who turns you
down by telling her you were only hitting on
her for a shot at blowing her nearby friend.

(Ryan Bronson)



My boyfriend and I play this little game
where I sext him "Guess where my finger
is now" and he guesses. It's weird, though,
how he never guesses "in the cat's ass."

(Jilly G.)



My girlfriend and I are trying to
do every position in the Kama Sutra,
and had no problems with The Butterfly,
The Bridge, The Plow, The Rowing Boat
and The Suspended Scissors. However,
we've been stuck for more than
a week on The Chinese Sex Trap.

(Tim H. Richweis)



"Holy throbbing clit, Batman!" was
apparently the wrong way to express my
excitement at Macy's children's shoe sale.

(Jilly G.)



The thing I find so disgusting about
airport bathrooms is you have no idea how
many people have smeared a sheen of their
semen on the toilet seat before you did.

(Greg Derendyke)



My girlfriend is all pissed off
because I ruined her Mickey Mouse
bobblehead. I maintain that with
all that alcohol in my system,
it looked exactly like a butt plug.

(Tim H. Richweis)



My girlfriend gives the best blowjobs EVER.
It's not the penis-in-the-mouth part that
so great, though -- it's the part where she
doesn't get mad at me for pretending that
I'm Captain Kirk and she's Mr. Spock.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I like to do it doggy-style.
That's where I growl at my husband,
then lift my leg and pee on him.

(Jilly G.)



Silly me. I assumed my girlfriend's
nickname of "Thunder Thighs" had
something to do with their size --
until I heard the rumbling noises that
often emanate from near the tops of them.

(Mike Ranston)



If zombies survived by eating genitalia
instead of brains, I'll bet there would
be more than a few living guys who, when
faced with an imminent attack, would
consider it, then say, "What the hell..."

(Tim H. Richweis)



I'm not saying my boyfriend's penis
is small, I'm just saying I should
probably be able to tell the difference
between fucking and acupuncture.

(Jilly G.)



I still don't understand what went wrong.
I thought it was a pretty foolproof idea to
take my animal-loving, PETA-member girlfriend
down to Tijuana for a real, live donkey show.

(Tim H. Richweis)



The biggest difference between my
clitoris and Osama bin Laden is that
a guy actually found Osama bin Laden.

(Jilly G.)



My girlfriend's favorite sexual
thing is reverse cowgirl. First she
farts repeatedly, then she eats
beans from a can by the campfire.

(Tim H. Richweis)



The Discovery Channel is doing specials
about paranormal phenomena that some
people swear exist yet science has
been unable to confirm. They did a show
about UFOs and another about Bigfoot.
Tomorrow they're doing one on the clitoris.

(Anthony Myers)



"HOLY MACKEREL!" I exclaimed as
I finally came. I never imagined
how great the sensation would be
when fucking a pierced fish corpse.

(Jeremiah Unger)



Scientists now say that a woman can
go blind from playing with her clit
too much, but efsjusbh h djxusuhs,

(Jilly G.)



Sometimes the difference between
a good Rumination and a bad one
is a flash of tits to the editor.

(Jilly G.)



I started a new meme on Facebook:
Enter the first two and last two
letters of your last name to uncover
your "Alec Baldwin name." No matter
what you enter, the translation results
in "FUCK YOU, *THAT'S* MY NAME."

(Sib Mandrake)



Although I'd totally misunderstood
the term "glory hole," after I dropped
to my knees and prayed with all my
might, my exact wish showed up in the
little hole! Truly, the lord is great!

(Amy Peterson)



I'm not saying humor turns me on.
I'm just saying that my chair
turns into a Slip-'n'-Slide after
reading a good HumorLabs issue.

(Jilly G.)



When the only tool you have is a penis,
everything starts to look like a vagina.

(Wiley)



I'm gonna get a realistic tattoo
of a huge penis on my right forearm.
Then when I do that drunken trick
where I open my zipper and stick
my arm through it, people will
totally freak the fuck OUT.

(Mike Ranston)



There's a saying that there's no such
thing as a bad blowjob, but I'd argue
that the one your buddy gets from your
sister while you're waiting in the
next room isn't all that great for YOU.

(Donald Junter)



Money may be the root of all
evil, but guys with tiny dicks
are a pretty close second.

(Jilly G.)



People often wonder how I climbed
the corporate ladder so quickly.
Personally, I think it's due to
my ignoring my career counselor's
advice and refusing to remove
"fellatio expert" from my resume.

(Amy Peterson)



You can assume the cantina's hot sauce
is going to do a number on your sphincter
when you hear Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire"
playing in the waiting area.

(Sib Mandrake)



It's all fun and games until someone tries
to text "autocorrect" but the autocorrect
feature changes the word to "autofellate."
Then it's just fucking hysterical.

(Jilly G.)



When I was in high school, I was abducted by an
alien and anally probed. I don't remember what the
alien looked like, though, because it disguised
itself as my wrestling coach and forced me to
drink a mind-control drug from a tequila bottle.

(Brad Wilkerson)



The great thing about elves must be
that Mrs. Claus can fuck 10 or 12 of
them before she finally gets tired.

(Donald Junter)



I didn't mind giving my BF a shot at
Reverse Cowgirl, I just wish he hadn't
felt the need to brand my ass during the act.

(Jilly G.)



My buddy thought I was nuts when we spotted an
extremely large woman and I said, "Man! I'd
like to get all up in dat!" What he doesn't
understand is that my comment was actually
about my return-to-the-womb issues.

(Doug Frank)



Apparently the entreaty, "But Honey, it was
just *GAY* porn!" doesn't earn you a reprieve.

(Gary M. Wilcotts)



I love skiing. Time in the mountains,
fresh snow everywhere, and rock hard
nipples on every hot woman within sight.

(Jilly G.)



People say I'm the life of the party
'cause I tell a joke or two -- though I'm
pretty sure my letting the guys bang me
on the coffee table might be a factor.

(Jilly G.)



I'm NOT a nerd. It was merely a mental
slip when my girlfriend said the word
"dildo" and I thought she was talking
about that dude in "The Hobbit."

(Donald Junter)



Poor Mrs. Claus. Her only options
for hot sex involve an old obese guy,
dozens of guys with one-inch cocks,
and a herd of oddly named deer.

(Mike Ranston)



Hotel sex can be loads of fun.
Unless someone catches you and
yells at you to get a room.

(Jilly G.)



I saved some $5,000 in potential counseling
bills trying to cure my scat fetish, and
all it took was having to change my twin
nieces' diapers over the holiday weekend.

(Jimmy Freskin)



I'm a big fan of suspense movies.
I like not knowing whether the hero's
going to squirt on her bush or unload
all over those big ol' titties.

(Squire Tamblin)



I don't see the appeal to mind-blowing sex.
During sex, it's not my mind that I want blown.

(Kim Moser)



Look, I'm not saying I should get all my
money back. I know they run a business like
everyone, but I still think hookers should at
least give premature ejaculators a discount.

(Anthony Myers)



Sometimes when I get into a pickle, I think
to myself, "what would Paris Hilton do?" But
damn, I can never find that many cocks around.

(Jilly G.)



When I asked my boyfriend to give
me a "shocker," I wasn't expecting
him to tell me that he fucked my mom.

(Amy Patterson)



I get it, it's not "birds of
a feather fuck together." But I'm
still not canceling the bird orgy.

(Jilly G.)



My wife told me for her birthday,
she wanted to have a threesome so she
could experience a really big dick.
Unfortunately, Simon Cowell is busy that night.

(Robbie Adamson)



I really don't like being labeled
as either liberal or conservative.
I just want to be labeled as huge-titted.

(Jilly G.)



Have you ever tried to donkey-punch
yourself when jerking off?
The toughest part is figuring out
which sock puppet gets to do the deed.

(Greg Van Gundy)



I know the Bible says "Love thy neighbor
as thy self," but I don't care what Jesus
says -– I'm not about to go around giving
handjobs to everyone in the neighborhood.

(Anthony Myers)



Mr. and Mrs. Wood-Johnson sure dodged
a bullet when they named their
son Robert instead of Richard.

(Ishmael Alighieri)



I think if I were a dude, one of the first
things I'd figure out would be how not
to cum on my own face when I masturbate.

(Jilly G.)



The concierge looked at me funny when
I asked to get extra coffee and lotion
delivered to my room, but, hey, I may
be on vacation, but my penis isn't!

(Trevis Garberson)



My sister couldn't believe herself when she accepted
an offer of sex from the man with the world's
smallest penis. She didn't know she had it in her.

(Travis Ruetenik / Torasan04)



While I was showering, the little voices
in my head were saying, "Soap up those
tits more! Keep soaping those knockers!"
Then I realized I never turned off Skype.

(Jilly G.)



True love knows no bounds.
But it *does* know how to tie you
to the bed and fuck your lights out.

(Jilly G.)



Unless one is young, healthy and very spry,
just how exactly COULD one give a flying fuck?

(Doug Frank)



Now that I'm done with my busy season
at work, I'm ready to resume churning out
hilarious submissions, so here we go...

* * * *** *  *  *  *    *      *

Did you catch that? I just farted in Braille!

(Damian Krebs)



My wife claims I'm callous and unsupportive.
Apparently she missed the chapter in "Men are
from Mars, Women are from Venus" where the
Martian phrase "I'm ready to listen" translates
roughly, to, "What the fuck crawled up your butt?"

(Sib Mandrake)



I think "totally suckable nipple" is an awesome
name for a band! But yes, I agree, it wasn't
the best choice for the elementary school chorus.

(Jilly G.)



When doing a crossword puzzle and asking
the person next to you to spell the
word "pungent," make sure you're
not looking up from their vagina.

(Sib Mandrake)



"It shakes all over like a jellyfish,
and I like it, crazy little thing called love."
Wow, Freddie Mercury must've been a terrible fuck.

(Trevor Rootbier / @Torasan04)



People think I'm some sort of sexual
superhero. But I put on my latex
barbed-wired crotchless panties one
leg at a time, just like everyone else.

(Jilly G.)



I thought I had a great name for my
new line of vaginal pasties, but
apparently "lipstick" is already taken.

(Jilly G.)



Apparently, to my husband "Happy Valentine's Day"
means "Yes! I'm finally getting anal!"

(Jilly G.)



The best thing about a threesome is that if you
do something TRULY spectacular, you'll have two
witnesses there to corroborate your story.

(Tim H. Richweis)



If you're stranded at a cannibal commune
and forced to eat a penis butter and
jelly sandwich, at least tell them you'd
prefer they used creamy, not chunky.

(Sib Mandrake)



Location is everything. A three-hole
punch on an office printer table: mundane.
A three-hole punch on an S&M buffet table: nasty.

(James Knowles)



Whenever I help my boyfriend get off
by letting him watch me masturbate,
after he thanks me I like to say,
"Happy to lend a helping finger!"

(Jilly G.)



Good: Saying "hello" and getting a smile in return
from the lovely maid who arrives as you leave your
extended-stay hotel room for a quick bite to eat.
Bad: Realizing 10 minutes later that you left your
wank rag and hotel lotion on the night stand. Again.

(Ted Minamow)



Thanks to my dog's coprophagia, today I
encountered the most foul, vile substance
ever known: dog-poop vomit. As disgusting
as it was to clean up, there's a bright side:
I'm a shoe-in to get filthy Rumination of the day!

(S.P.)



I like threesomes with two girls and one guy
better than those with two guys and one girl.
It makes sense, given human nature: See,
girls like variety while guys only like pussy.

(Bonnie J.)



Word to the wise: When a longtime friend
confesses his scatological fetish to
you, it is NOT appropriate to respond
by saying, "I don't give a shit."

(Jim G. Phynn)



I learned a new word today: "Sploogemaster."
Or was it "Sploogemeister"? Either way, it
totally got me kicked out of Chuck-E-Cheese.

(Jilly G.)



If I had a nickel for every Rumination that
mentioned my tits, I'd stick them on my tits.
I'll bet they'd make *awesome* pasties.

(Jilly G.)



My wife finally got back at me for all
those years of surprising her lingerie
which was too small buy giving me
a cock ring which was too big.

(Harrison Dwyer)



If I had a nickel for every lava-lamp
menorah I sold this season, I wonder
if that would be anywhere close to
enough to pay to see Jilly G.'s tits?

(Dwight Burke)



Maybe it's just me, but I'd bet if
you whispered, "Be gentle," to
your cellmate, it's pretty likely
just the OPPOSITE is going to happen.

(Franklyn P. Harris)



It's amazing what a single letter can do.
A trumpet is an thing that you blow, but
if you put a single "s" in front of it,
it becomes something that blows you.

(Michael Cunningham)



I have a dancing iguana tattooed around my
penis. Half of you reading this probably know
how it got there, and the other half have
obviously never been drinking with Jilly G.

(James Knowles)



I fucked that guy down at the car
wash twice today. I wanted to be
there for the second cumming of Jesus.

(Jilly G.)



Nothing says "double standard"
like pre-wedding celebrations:
Penis Tiara? Okay!
Vagina Hat? Not so much.

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



It's all fun and games till my boyfriend cums on
my tits and another girl licks it off. Then it's...
Whoa, weird -- it's still fun and games. Win!

(Jilly G.)



So if you DON'T take any Viagra, then
have 4-hour erection during a 4-hour
threesome with two smoking hot women,
are you still supposed to call a doctor?
*I* did, but pretty much just to brag.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I can always tell when I'm getting better after
being sick when I again feel well enough to
jerk off to Shake-Weight commericals on YouTube.

(Tyler Moore)



Reflecting on my latest Bible study
reading, I told the group I felt bad
for Lot. Can you imagine the pain one
suffers when fucking a pillar of salt?

(Ryan P. German)



They say it isn't the size of the boat,
but the motion of the ocean. While there's
some truth to that, you can't make too many
waves if you're only piloting a dinghy.

(Bonnie)



I'm a conservationist at heart and take pride
in my innovative recycling ideas. Did you know
an old dildo works great as an egg-beater?
Yup, you'll get light, fluffy eggs every time.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



My girlfriend has the most amazing tits ever.
In fact, they should be in the Titsonian.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I'll never make the mistake of signing
my name to a filthy Rumination ever again!

(Phuck U. Humanresources)



The elevator at work is possessed by horny
demons! Every time I get in, there's a
mystical voice that says, "Going down."

(Jilly G.)



My girlfriend is going to dress up as a "naughty
nurse" for the Halloween party we're attending.
Awesome! When we get back home, tonight's rectal
thermometer session will be that much more authentic.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I think maybe "all that AND a bag of chips"
was a bad response when my boyfriend
asked me what I stuck in his ass.

(Jilly G.)



Call me naive, but when a guy invited
me to his place for "a little scat,"
I honestly thought there would be
improvised jazz singing involved.

(Lori Petterson)



Hey, if you don't want your ball
inflated, don't ask me to blow you.

(Lori Petterson)



When the Boy Toy told me he wanted to
do it in a moving car, I was happy to
oblige. I just wish he has told me
it was a convertible, so I could have
worn a top that stays on in high winds.
Oh, well, the truckers didn't mind.

(Bonnie J.)



Confucius say: Pierced man who has sex
with blow-up doll get more bang for buck.

(Jilly G.)



I went up to a gorgeous woman in a bar and
said, "You know, you can't spell 'cunnilingus'
without 'us.'" She made a fist and said,
"And you can't spell 'blowjob' without 'ow'!"

(Jim Phynn)



I was having lunch with my girlfriend
the other day when I unexpectedly got
a really fierce hard-on. Sure, it was
kind of embarrassing, but at least I
had somewhere to put the pineapple rings
when I went for seconds at the buffet.

(Tim H. Richweis)



If I were a carpenter and you were my lady,
would you then be less put off by my "Hey,
baby, check out my awesome wood!" comment?

(Sib Mandrake)



After 10 years of marriage, my wife and I
have a comfortable routine: I get sex after
she goes on a shopping bender, then waits till
I cum before informing me how much she spent.

(Sib Mandrake)



I don't know why men are always so
interested in tits. On the other hand,
I don't know why *I'm* so interested in
them either. Ah, the mysteries of life.

(Bonnie J.)



I don't know what I'm going to miss the most
about my girlfriend now that we're ending our
relationship, but I've narrowed it down to one
of three things: her tits, her tits, or her tits.

(Tim H. Richweis)



When my boyfriend sent me to get
a Brazilian, I first thought I was
going to fuck a hot chick from Rio.
Either way, now I can't fucking walk.

(Jilly G.)



My girlfriend is ridiculously sexy.
In fact, she brought the sexy back so far, I
had to buy a DeLorean just to sleep with her.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Memo to my blind date: It doesn't
matter if I'm a virgin or a vegan,
I just wanted you to eat ME, dork.

(Jilly G.)



Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate
me 'cause I won't let you cum in my hair.

(Jilly G.)



After I called a woman for a blind date last
week, I couldn't remember whether she told
me that she was a "virgin" or a "vegan."
So on our first date I hedged my bets by
banging her *and* bringing her a salad.

(Gus Harris)



There's probably no clearer sign that you made
the right decision to meet with your doctor about
your sex addiction than your masturbating to
the breast-self-exam pamphlet in the waiting room.

(Sib Mandrake)



I highly doubt they'll be able to find
12 other bipolar anal-insertion fetishist
part-time clowns in my community. So much
for this "jury of my peers" business!

(Herb Kettlesen)



Fasterbate; verb - to attempt to quickly finish
rubbing one out in a place where discovery of
the activity would be extremely awkward, such
as at the urinal, in one's cubicle or waiting
at the drive-thru at In-and-Out Burger.

(Sib Mandrake)



Looking over my 401(k) statement recently made
me queasy -- even more so when I looked up to
notice the smartphone-illuminated meth-mouth
of the hooker who was riding me at the time.

(Sib Mandrake)



They say the biggest sexual organ is
really the brain. I still kind of like
my huge, throbbing meat missile though.

(Trevor Rootbier / @Torasan)



I don't know why my wife complains so much.
If I were a bull rider, lasting 8 seconds
would win me a lot of rodeo competitions.

(David Gunter)



I think a better name for
a threesome is "Trifuckta."

(Jilly G.)



I'll bet when Alice and Sam the Butcher
did it, they'd both hang lots of meat
euphemisms, like "slipping her the sausage."

(Pete Seazle)



I was fine trying a reverse cowgirl
for my man, but I still think it
was overkill when he branded my ass.

(Jilly G.)



You'd think my girlfriend would be more open
to anal sex, considering she's thoroughly
enjoyed my kissing her ass all these years.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Maybe I'm being too picky. A guy doesn't
have to have a 50-foot yacht or a big dick
for me to be interested. I would also notice
him if he has a really hot girlfriend.

(Bonnie J.)



A good kiss can bring me to my knees.
Not literally -- *that* takes jewelry.

(Jilly G.)



I'm really pissed off. I picked up a guy
from Craigslist, got off, and dropped
him at the bus stop after giving him $2
-- and he never gave me back my change!

(Jilly G.)



I should never have told that chick on
Craigslist that I was into humiliation.
Right after she had HER orgasm, she took
me to a bus stop and gave me $2 for fare.

(Tim H. Richweis)



All of a sudden, my girlfriend is willing to
try all sorts of stuff in bed that she's never
been interested in before. Woohoo! I've been
waiting forever for-- hey, what the hell?!?

(Tim H. Richweis)



I kind of understand my long-distance
girlfriend's sudden decision to want
to sleep with local guys when I'm not
around. Her desire to sleep with them
when I *am* around is more troubling.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I guess I can be pretty naive. When my
e-Harmony date texted me that he "couldn't
wait to spend time looking at the top of
my head", I thought he was just really tall.

(Jilly G.)



Who would have guessed that a product
called "Kwik Wood" has nothing to do with
erectile dysfunction? Live and learn.

(Jim Woodruff)



Everybody keeps referencing Jilly G. in
their filthy Ruminations, hoping to score
some points so they might get to bone her
on the off chance they ever meet in person.
Not me, though -- I'm far too busy sending
love sonnets to Mila Kunis' vajayjay.

(Tim H. Richweis)



There's nothing sexier than a really
smart guy. Unless we're talking about
sex, then a huge dick is really hot, too.

(Jilly G.)



Women sure are hard to figure out.
My new girlfriend makes a big point
of telling me she likes really rough
sex, then she gets all pissed off
about my sandpaper condom invention.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Diamonds may be a girl's best friend,
but it turns out that a $50 gift card
toward a vajazzling ensemble does
not a good anniversary present make.

(Sib Mandrake)



My boyfriend thought it'd be hot if I
went out in public without wearing a bra.
From all of the stares I got, I'm thinking
maybe I should have at least worn a shirt.

(Jilly G.)



I'm hoping that when I finally meet
my Great Reward, my obituary will say,
"He died doing what he loved: coming up
with filthy Ruminations on the shitter."

(Steve R. Clancy)



There once was a chick from Vancouver,
Who sucked cock like she was a Hoover.
Till the day she got ticked
And bit off a dick,
Then swallowed it like an hors d'oeuvre.

(Jim Woodruff)



It was difficult enough working up the
nerve to address the sexual problems in my
marriage and suggest to my wife that maybe
we should have an open relationship and
have sex with other people. Her response
of "THANK YOU, GOD!!!!" sure didn't help.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Sometimes you just want a guy to throw you
to the ground and fuck the living shit out
of you. Other times you just want him to
bring you your entrée while it’s still hot.

(Jilly G.)



Has your grocery list ever seemed
Freudian or inappropriate? Mine reads:
"relish sausage spread buns."

(Richard Skora)



Some people are against gay marriage,
and I have to say I see their point.
I like most of my gay friends way
too much to watch them totally
fuck up their lives like that.

(Lori Petterson)



The other night, I fucked a Chinese
restaurant chef. The next morning,
I had to do the wok of shame.

(Jilly G.)



Life is like a box of popcorn: You really
crave chocolate, but instead get something
hard and salty rammed down your throat.

(Reba Mandkis)



Evidently, some guys consider less-than-manly
the idea of a man making lunch for his wife
before he leaves for work. At least that would
explain the snickering when I told my co-workers
that I tossed my wife's salad this morning.

(Karl Pendleton, Jr.)



Some people say the difference between
"like" and "love" is "spit" and "swallow,"
but that sounds more like the difference
between "right" and "wrong" to me.

(Bonnie J.)



Sometimes I think my man just looks at me
as a sex toy. A hot, wet, squirmy, stand-up-
sex-in-the-shower, reverse cowgirl sex toy.

(Jilly G.)



I have one religious tenet when
it comes to sex: Ask and ye
shall receive. Except for anal.

(Jilly G.)



I cried because I didn't have Jilly G's
tits. Then I met a man who did, and I
thought, "At least my hands are free to
write a Rumination about Jilly G's tits."

(Dwight Burke)



Which came first: underwear or the skidmark?

(Damian Krebs)



There's a girl in my office who pipes up at
the end of every sentence and tries to finish
it for you. In response, I've started ending
all my sentences with "that fucks a donkey."
It hasn't really stopped her from trying to
finish my sentences, but it's gotten me a LOT
of attention from the Human Resources folks.

(Lori Petterson)



My boyfriend won't stop staring at me
when I brush my teeth. I swear I'm
never again buying a toothbrush that's
an exact replica of his hard cock.

(Jilly G.)



Don't you hate it when you're about
to cum and the guy does something to
ruin it? You know, like speaking.

(Jilly G.)



When making an erotic cake, is there a recipe
for cum icing, or does the baker just play
around with it until it cums out okay?

(S.P.)



They say you can conserve water by putting
a brick in your toilet tank. I must be
saving a ton of water because I drop one
directly in the bowl every morning.

(Kim Moser)



I apologize if my uber-hotness has
caused problems for any local businesses.
I guess the guys just really like
my "first served, first cum" motto.

(Jilly G.)



My sperm bank went out of business.
My mistake was building it so close
to Jilly G.'s house -- by the time
the donors got to my office, they
were pretty well emptied of fluids.

(Lori Petterson)



Absinthe makes the schlong grow harder.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Screw Folgers. The best part of waking
up is a screaming self-induced orgasm
while fantasizing about the lesbian scene
from "Black Swan." Damn, that was hot.

(Jilly G.)



Urinal proverb:
A watched penis never pisses.

(Tyson Whittaker)



If you meet a girl just a-walkin' down
the street, singing "Doo wah diddy-diddy,
dum diddy do," snapping her fingers and
shuffling her feet, she's probably not
exactly right in the head, and you're
better off not making her acquaintance.
Unless she's got big tits. REALLY big tits.

(David Means)



I rubbed a magnet on my genitals once.
My left nut became positive, my right nut
negative, and my johnson pointed to true north.

(Gus Harris)



I wonder why the sperm bank doesn't have a
drive-through teller. It seems like the logical next
step since so many guys masturbate in their cars.

(Lori Petterson)



I am no longer called a serial masturbator
since I threw out my Cap'n Crunch vibrator.

(Jilly G.)



I think I'd enjoy anal sex more if
I liked things being placed in my ass.

(Jilly G.)



I got even with my ex-wife for dumping me
for a guy with a bigger penis; I dumped
HER for a woman with a MASSIVE vagina!

(Tim H. Richweis)



My ex called me "Snakegirl." Turns out
it was because I like snakeskin boots so
much and had nothing to do with that cool
blowjob trick I do where I unhinge my jaw.

(Jilly G.)



Hiccups are God's way of saying,
"You ain't getting head tonight."

(Jilly G.)



My penis has a mind of its own.
That's usually not a big problem,
but it can result in me getting some
strange readings from fortune tellers.

(Tim H. Richweis)



To those guys who take a leak at the urinal
hands-free, I have this to say: I *have* to
hold mine to keep it from touching the urinal.

(Siva Kumar)



I love eating chocolate chip cookie
dough from the tube. My boyfriend loves
licking it off my nipples. Win-win!

(Jilly G.)



Talk about pulled in two different directions:
When her lips finally parted and she took my
penis in her mouth, I thought I'd died and
gone to heaven. But after I forgot to warn her
I was about to cum, I thought she'd murder me.

(Tim H. Richweis)



A tip for making any Dr. Seuss book tolerable
for adults: Try to find as many pictures of
genitalia in the illustrations as you can.

(S.P.)



Haiku:
My girlfriend's hoo-ha
Is like Bon Jovi's album,
Slippery When Wet.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I think it would be awesome to be Smurfette.
You have a whole village of guys to fuck and
you're the only female. But it might be a bitch
to get those blue cumstains off of my dress.

(Jilly G.)



I hate it when people tell my boyfriend,
"You're so lucky to have such a cute, funny
girlfriend." Have they not noticed the tits?!

(Jilly G.)



Breasts would be so much less interesting
if it weren't for nipples. I must concede,
however, that they would STILL be breasts.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Enough already about the Royal Wedding.
Let's move on to the Royal Wooding!

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



I miss those innocent days when my kids
were babies and were tiny, sweet and full
of giggles -- and I could squirt milk out of
my tits at the drive-thru cashier for funsies.

(Jilly G.)



Give a woman a fish and she'll eat for a day.
Tell her that she *smells* like fish
and you'll be wanking for months.

(Mike Ranston)



When life gives you fellatio, thank it profusely!
Of course, you ought to wait until you cum
first, just in case life changes its mind
and decides to give you blue balls instead.

(Jim Woodruff)



I cried because I had no penis,
until I met a woman who had no
vagina. And we lived happily ever
after in her Malibu Dream House.

(Tim H. Richweis)



All this romantic talk about the royal
wedding has made me realize something about
my amazing boyfriend: It's been WEEKS since
he's asked me to put anything in his ass.

(Jilly G.)



With my luck, I'll end up with the world's first
diagnosed case of "genital anthrax." And when they
find out I work at the post office, the boss is
really going to question my mail-handling procedures.

(B.V.E.)



"Who do I have to blow to get some
help around here?" works great in a
bar, but not so much at Confession.

(Jilly G.)



You know, taking pictures of my pubic
area with my penis tucked between my legs
was fun, but it was *NOTHING* compared
to the joy of blackmailing my roommate
after I caught him whacking off to them.

(Logan Wentz)



You know how schoolkids love that cool magic
trick where, with some sleight of hand, you
make it look like you're breaking off your
finger, then -- voila! -- it's back on again?
Well, it turns out it's not as popular
when you try it with your penis.

(Damian Krebs)



What I did to that hooker last night was so
epic, it'll go down in the anals of history.

(Dwight P. Lankin)



My boyfriend got really excited when I
whispered, "Someone's getting anal tonight."
Unfortunately for him, I was referring to
his mom's meticulousness in the kitchen.

(Jilly G.)



I gave up courtesy for Lent.
So fuck you.

(Daina Schatz / @dsschatz)



My wife promised me a hummer for my
birthday, so I was very disappointed
to find a $50,000 SUV in my driveway.  

(Jim Woodruff)



You can't tell a book by its cover, but thank
GOD that's not the case with meth whores.

(Sib Mandrake)



I should be chosen Small Business Owner
of the Year now that I've finally solved
once and for all the issue about sexual
harrassment in my business. Nobody
ELSE thought of hiring only prostitutes.

(Bad Macaw)



My boyfriend thought it was really hot
when I got high and sent him pics of my
vajajay. Joke's on him -– I actually
sent him pics of the girl I was fucking!

(Jilly G.)



Vajayjay. Hoo-ha. Honey pot. Love canal.
Man, at the rate they keep coming up
with new names for lady-parts, I'll
never graduate from medical school.

(Mike Ranston)



I love Photoshop. I can send pics of
my hoo-hah to guys on the 'net and make
it so they can't even see my penis.

(Jilly G.)



I picked my fiance's wedding party very
carefully: someone old, someone new,
someone borrowed and someone I blew.

(Jilly G.)



What a mess! I thought they were roofies
I was slipping into my date's drink, 
but it turns out they were laxatives.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



I really hate people who give TMI.
I hate them more than all the bloody
underwear I've throw in the trash on
account of my oozing hemorrhoids.

(Trevor Rootbier / @Torasan04)



I should have known that the way I learned
to "dissemenate" information at the porn
conference wouldn't work at the PTA meeting.

(Jilly G.)



I was going to try to come up with
a Rumination about my huge throbbing
cock, but it's just too damn hard.

(S.P.)



One minute we were working side by side,
and the next we were in the supply room,
tearing off each others' clothes. I guess
it was just the sperm of the moment.

(Wiley)



They just closed another massage parlor
in my neighborhood. I guess people
just aren't coming like they used to.

(Jeff Ayers)



Careful of your spelling when you Google.
There's a fine line between "Virginia" and
"Vagina" in your search results. And most
of the "Virginia" links are really boring.

(Lori Petterson)



Somebody once wrote, "Quality questions
create a quality life," but my quality
question to women I bump into at the mall,
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
usually results in a restraining order.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



Last time I was in Vegas, what I *asked*
for was directions to the quarter slots.
What I ended up with was a two-bit hooker.

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



I really enjoy writing my Ruminations while
totally naked. But the manager at Burger King
keeps telling me it's a health code violation.

(Jilly G.)



I just know there's some guy at Google's
safe search department whose job it is to
develop software that recognizes, tags
and isolates images of nipples. FML.

(Trevor Rootbier)



Boyfriends are like used car salesmen:
They lie, they scam, and they fuck
your brains out in the backseat.

(Jilly G.)



I have Bieber Feber! Wait... I'm sorry, I hab
a code. When I say "Bieber," I mean "bagina."

(Sean Powers)



Turns out I didn't desperately need a nap after
all; I just needed an orgasm. My apologies again
to the other patrons of Costco's bedding department.

(Jilly G.)



When Ben Franklin said, "Early to bed,
early to rise," I think it he was talking
about the effect of sleep on morning wood.

(Lori Petterson)



I never follow fashion trends. The way
I see it is if the fashion industry is
too afraid to show off their new paisley
butt-plug, who needs their opinions?

(Lori Petterson)



I learned two things that weekend:
1) Despite the assurances and insistence
of my scout master, the product is not
named "KY-In-Tents"; 2) The experience
is nothing like what they lead you
to believe from those commercials.

(J. Murphy)



To me it was never about "Romulans versus
Klingons" as much as it was about "How far
am I going to take this in order to bang a
chick willing to wear Spock ears during sex?"

(Sib Mandrake)



Word to the wise: The line "Honey, I hurt my
penis -- can you kiss it and make it better?"
should be used very sparingly. Sooner or later
you're going to lose your balance mountain-
biking and bang it against the gooseneck,
giving you a good 10 minutes of intense sharp
pain, after which you'll return home and
she'll be all "I'm not falling for that again!"

(S.P.)



My wet T-shirt contests are popular, but my
wet underpants contests are becoming legendary.

(Jilly G.)



Butterflies are free -- around the
world costs an extra fifty bucks.

(Lori Petterson)



My friends were all impressed with my
devotion to CNN until they found out
that for me it stands for "Cum-'N'-Nap."

(Jilly G.)



Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener.
That is what I'd truly like to be.
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener,
Jilly G. would be deep-throating me.

(Jim Woodruff)



I'm going to get a dog and name it MyRack.
Then I can walk around the neighborhood
yelling, "Has anyone seen MyRack?"
and see which guys dare to answer.

(Jilly G.)



Today's lesson: "Right" versus "correct"
Wife: "What are you thinking about right
now?" RIGHT answer: "Not much. just how
much I love you." CORRECT answer: "How much
I love you giving it to Taylor Swift with
a Hello Kitty strap-on in a kiddie pool
full of tapioca pudding in my fantasies."

(Ron R. Clark)



I thought the elementary school kids might
enjoy seeing my collection of giant roosters
and stolen cats. But for some strange reason,
the principal called me and told me to
keep my huge cocks and hot pussies at home.

(Jilly G.)



In high school, I used to hold a notebook
in front of my appendage to hide the wood
I was sporting. Now that I'm older and
more mature, I throw a parade in its honor.

(Jim Woodruff)



I was crushed when I wasn't voted prom queen
in high school, but I've since redeemed myself
by being chosen blowjob queen of my trailer court.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Dildos need a tagline, for marketing purposes.
My suggestion: "The gift that keeps on getting."

(Jilly G.)



What can I say, I'm good in bed. And I have
the collection of melted vibrators to prove it.

(Jilly G.)



This morning I was licking a delicious Tootsie Roll
and thought to myself, "Who cares how many licks it
takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center? It's the
licking for hours I'm good at and enjoy so much."

(Colonel)



I think God made a deal with cats and dogs.
They got the ability to lick their privates in
exchange for having to lick their own butts clean.

(Carl Knorr)



I wish I could be a hooker-magician.
Then I'd throw a little humor into my act
by yelling, "And now for my next trick..."
and grabbing some guy by the wand.

(Jilly G.)



There is perhaps no greater pleasure
than to be the meat in the middle of
a Jilly G. Filthy Rumination sandwich.

(S.P.)



There's no "I" in "sperm." And hopefully
after that quick kick to the crotch,
there will be no more sperm in "eye."

(Jilly G.)



I don't understand the fuss about letting gays serve
in the military, especially when you consider how
much the army likes to keep its privates at attention.

(S.P.)



Sometimes you witness something so utterly
amazing and emotionally moving that you
can't help from screaming out, "Holy shit!
That dog is licking his own balls!"

(Jilly G.)



I think all in-flight movies should be porn.
That way the Mile High Club assholes
could get if over with faster so the
rest of us could use the damn toilet.

(Lori Petterson)



I think that for Halloween I'll dress as
a candy bar with a sign that says "Eat Me,"
then visit Overeaters and Sex Addicts
support groups and see who cries more.

(Jilly G.)



Advice: Never try to put your dick
in a blood pressure checking machine.
It doesn't feel as good as you would think,
and they'll ban you from Walgreens for life.

(Anthony Myers)



My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to fuck me
silly. That's ridiculous -- I'm already silly.

(Jilly G.)



I am routinely disgusted upon seeing my wife's
issues of "Fitness" and "Shape" magazines,
with scantily attired women adorning the cover. 
I mean, they *always* find a way to put the
damn mailing label on top of the cameltoe!

(Sib Mandrake)



While I was traveling for work, my wife
called to excitedly tell me that she was
expecting at least eight inches overnight.
I hope she was only talking about snow.

(Jim Woodruff)



I know a comedienne who is a natural at
making up practical jokes about oral sex.
You might say she has a good gag reflex.

(Kim Moser)



There are no three words in the English
language sexier or more romantic than
those three that every woman longs
to hear a man say: "I'd hit that!"

(Jilly G.)



I try listening to my heart, really I do.
But in the end, it's always my dick that
somehow ends up grabbing my attention.

(Jim Woodruff



My new girlfriend is the sexiest woman in
the world: big firm breasts, gorgeous eyes
and lips, luscious curving hips, long and
thick peni-- hey, wait just a fucking minute!
Oh, my god. I can't believe this! She totally
forgot to wish me a happy one-week anniversary!

(Tim H. Richweis)



Ladies, it's important that you pay attention to the
idioms you use when speaking to your man. There's
a subtle but crucial difference between telling him
you're planning to "blow him off" and "blow him."

(Jim Woodruff)



Two things: 1) HDTV is not "Hard Dick TV."
2) Costco doesn't like it when you
bring a vibrator to look at HDTVs.

(Jilly G.)



I thought I'd be successful with my specialty
furniture business, but every time I call a
prospective customer and ask if they want to see
my stool samples, they just gasp and hang up.

(Steve Biddle)



They say a dog's sense of smell is thousands
of times better than that of a human. If that's
the case, why do dogs have to get their nose
so damn close when sniffing each others butts?

(S.P.)



They say you never forget the name of your
first love. Mine was Asshole O'Douchebag.

(Jilly G.)



Advice: Never try to put your dick in a blood pressure
checking machine. It doesn't feel as good as you would
think, and they'll ban you from Walgreen's for life.

(Anthony Myers)



Before I can stand up and turn around --
whoosh, it's gone! Airports should add a
pause button to those damn electronic toilets.

(Melroy)



Okay, I get it: Every kiss begins
with Kay. But what jewelry store do
I need if I just want a blow job?

(Loyal Barber)



Nothing takes the sexy out of a fresh
set of bed sheets faster than a schmear
of butt-mustard left behind by the cat.

(Maripat Elroy)



I could've sworn my boss said he was going to
give me a big bonus for Christmas this year.
And the BONER he gave me wasn't even that big.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



"It's all Greek to me" takes on
a whole new meaning at an orgy.

(Lori Petterson)



If I ever get cast for a reality show, I'm going
to dub myself "The Predicament," because I bring
that added element of suspenseful mischief.
Plus, much like Snooki, it has a "dic" in it.

(Sib Mandrake)



Don't get me wrong, I love playing "Santa and
His Helper" with my wife, especially when she
licks the candy cane and empties out Santa's
sack. I just wish she weren't so insistent
about hanging Santa's balls from the tree.

(Jim Woodruff)



I always thought the lyrics were, "Love me
tender, love me long, take my legs apart."
It would be nice if someone had corrected
me *before* I sang it at my sister's wedding.

(Lori Petterson)



Happiness is finding a freshly cleaned
gas station restroom when you have to poo.

(S.P.)



Life can be cruel. No matter how beautiful I am,
or how elegant, affluent and aristocratic I have
become, I will always be remembered as the girl who
farted in the teacher's face in 5th grade gym class.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Well, I guess I'm not going to host a foreign
exchange student after all. Here's a tip: You
don't want to specifically ask to get a sexy
uninhibited Italian girl with huge tits. That
seems to raise a red flag with the interviewers.

(Anthony Myers)



The train conductor kept telling me to
get off, but trust me, with all that rocking
the train was doing I had already done so.

(Jilly G.)



Dogs are man's best friend. You can
tell this because all your other friends
will stop having anything to do with
you if you have their balls cut off.

(Anthony Myers)



Ask all you want, but I ain't
showing you my Chanukah Bush.

(Jilly G.)



I've been getting a lot of "but sex" lately.
Women I date say, "I like you and all, but sex..."

(Jim Woodruff)



My cat likes to sit on our laps and lick herself
clean. My son says she's telling us, "I feel
comfortable with you and trust you." I think
she's saying, "Look what I can do that you can't."

(Lori Petterson)



My co-worker's brain fart was so big it left
skid marks on the back of his cubicle wall.

(Jim Woodruff)



If whores were given performance reviews, I'll bet
"You REALLY sucked" would be positive feedback. 

(Jilly G.)



Some woman in traffic yelled out her
window at me, "You suck!" Well, duh.
How do you think we careened off the guardrail
and into oncoming traffic in the first place?

(Lori Petterson)



In honor of my favorite baseball player
capturing both a World Series title and
Rookie of the Year Honors, I'm going
to change my porn name to "Buster Pussy."

(Jim Woodruff)



I'm guessing the reason it's called a "staff
meeting" is because of that guy in accounting
who always seems to be playing with himself
while he shows us his presentations.

(Lori Petterson)



The Nick Smith Theorem of Wanking:
The amount of sex I'm getting is inversely
proportionate to how much my right arm hurts.

(Nick Smith)



Sure, a big penis might please the ladies a little
more, but it would mean a LOT more work for me when
I'm by myself, and that happens WAY more often.

(Nick Smith)



Snap-On Tools should expand their line to include
sex toys. They already have the name and all.

(Lori Petterson)



Like sands through the hourglass,
so are the constipation-packed
pebble-turds trickling from my butt.

(Garrick Francis)



This DVD box says, "The Director's Cut."
Why the fuck should *I* care
what his penis looks like?

(Jilly G.)



This DVD box says, "The Director's Cut."
Why the fuck should *I* care
what his penis looks like?

(Jilly G.)



I like using the iPhone to send pictures
of myself totally nude to my boyfriend, but
the lighting in these Apple stores sucks.

(Jilly G.)



I like using the iPhone to send pictures
of myself totally nude to my boyfriend, but
the lighting in these Apple stores sucks.

(Jilly G.)



You know those frilled lizards, the ones that
can make themselves look bigger and more fearsome
by flipping out those flaps around their heads?
I'll bet those things have tiny little dicks.

(Trevor Rootbier)



The problem with having a Smurf
fetish is that once you've seen one
blue pussy, you've seen them all.

(Peter P.)



Why is it that whenever people talk about throwing
up in their mouth they always say, "I threw up in my
mouth A LITTLE"? Surely somebody, somewhere, at some
point, must have thrown up in his or her mouth A LOT.

(Kim Moser)



Hotel sex is great, but I hate having to ask
housekeeping to clean around the tied-up midget. 

(Jilly G.)



How did the phrase "balls to the wall"
come to mean doing something very quickly? 
'Cause if they were my balls, I guarantee
you I would be moving much, much slower.

(Jim Woodruff)



My boyfriend's diabetes is so bad
that when I dressed as Candy the Stripper
for Halloween, he refused to eat me.

(Jilly G.)



I lost a bundle wagering on porn the other day.
Take my advice and don't bet against the spread.

(Paul T.)



I guess I'll just have to come to grips with
the fact that, no matter how funny *I* think
it is, my wife will never appreciate it when
I let a few chocolate chips melt in my hand
and ask her where the toilet paper is.

(Paul B.)



Sometimes a girl just needs to hear
those three little words: "I'd hit that."

(Jilly G.)



Bet there'd be a lot less loose change
on the ground if the saying went:
"Find a penny, pick it up,
And all the day you'll get to fuck."

(Jim Woodruff)



I enjoy orgasms. So sue me.
No, really -- sue me, I haven't
fucked a lawyer in years.

(Jilly G.)



I thought those old people were just
bad tippers, but it turns out I was at
"poll" -- not "pole" -- headquarters.

(Jilly G.)



When the realtor told me the house was
haunted, I wasn't too worried. Either any
residual spirits would be gone within the
week, or they'd be into watching a guy whack
off to chubby-chick porn six times a day,
in which case they're my kind of ghosts.

(Jules H. Kerne)



If you're ever nauseous, you should put your
head between your knees and take deep breaths.
Unless it's your own ball stench that's
making you nauseous in the first place
-- then you should try something else.

(Anthony Myers)



I didn't mean to give the old man
a heart attack, but I could've sworn he
screamed at me to get off ON his lawn.

(Jilly G.)



The good thing about my job in Staffing
is that when I hire people to fuck me, I
can ask to re-interview them over and over.

(Jilly G.)



There's a sucker born every minute, but
there's an asshole born every 30 seconds.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



When I told my wife I was interested in
a threesome, she said she "didn't know
what to do with that information." Okay,
Honey, let me help: Tell your hairdresser
we want to fuck her seven ways to Sunday.

(Kyle Lazur)



No one was surprised when my flat-chested
girlfriend discovered her family originates
from the former Soviet republic of Nojugsistan.

(James Knowles)



I'm terrible at remembering sayings.
I can usually come close, but close
only counts in haircuts and handjobs.

(Scott E. Frank/@ScottF69)



I gave a presentation today in front of 50 people
and ended up doing a power puke into the garbage can
next to the podium. I was later reprimanded by my
boss, who told me a real woman would have swallowed.

(Maripat Elroy)



Hooters must not pay much. The women working
there can't afford to buy shorts that fit or
shirts that aren't ripped -- or even soap to
wash off the skank every night when they're done.

(James Knowles)



I'm having an affair with a married woman, but
it's okay because she and her husband have an
arrangement: I come over every Monday night
and have sex with her so he can watch the game.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I wish my blind date hadn't told me he
was a poultry farmer, because now I feel
compelled to keep checking out his cock.

(Reba Mandkis)



"You have nothing to lose but inches!"
certainly worked better with girdle sales
than it does with penis enhancement products.

(Jilly G.)



I awoke all sticky after falling asleep
on the set of an animal porn film.
It's something I don't normally do
-- I don't know what came over me.

(Paul_T)



Those taking the similes quiz at home will
remember we asked you to finish the following:
a) As old as _____.
b) As heavy as _____.
c) As cold as _____.
The correct answers are as follows:
a) shit. b) shit. c) fuck.

(Travis Ruetenik)



What's the difference between
a bad and a filthy Rumination?
Fuck me if I know!

(Jim Woodruff)



The thing I like best about being a professional
carpet layer is when some housewife naively asks
me to make sure that the carpet matches the drapes.

(Siva Kumar)



My rules for a night of married sex are now the
same rules for a family evening at home: Don't
block the TV and don't wake me if I fall asleep.

(Jilly G.)



It kinda sucked when I learned that what I'd
won in the charity raffle was literally a
"liquor basket," and didn't have anything at
all to do with the woman who sold me the ticket.

(Sib Mandrake)



I know they say that when it comes to sex,
"a hole is a hole," but it's been a week now
and my wife still hasn't gotten her hearing back.

(Jim Woodruff)



I have a feeling that if a company ever marketed
a product called "Bag o' Titties," guys would
find a way to sneak one into the shopping cart.

(Sib Mandrake)



A fart is a wish your turd makes.

(Travis Ruetenik)



To be perfectly honest, sometimes
when I say I want to make love,
I really just want to fuck.

(Wiley)



I don't think "It's cumtastic!" was
the compliment Sister Mary was looking
for regarding her new cell phone.

(Jilly G.)



When people call me a "fucking idiot,"
I consider it a compliment. After all,
it's my life's ambition to do nothing
but fuck like an idiot all day long.

(Lori Petterson)



My boyfriend loves getting my titty
pics on his cell phone. The dude in
line in front of him at Starbucks
doesn't like it nearly as much, though.

(Jilly G.)



A wet dream is a wish your testicles make.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Since the word "sodomy" means oral as well as
anal sex, I think it shows a great deal of
laziness on the part of lawmakers that they
haven't invented a word to distinguish both
sexual acts under the law. At least that's the
best defense strategy I've come up with so far.

(Lori Petterson)



Don't you hate it when you're masturbating
to Christine O'Donnell and just about to
cum and Rosie O'Donnell pops into your head?

(Jilly G.)



I am fuck's biggest fan. I stalk fuck. Why
can't life be more like fucking all the time?

(Adam Davis)



Boy, did my junk sting after I made it
with that chick at the swingers club.
I guess there's some truth to that old
saying, "Love is a many-splintered thing."

(Sib Mandrake)



At parties, people always ask doctors to look at
their rash, plumbers to look at their clogged drain,
or investment bankers for stock tips. I wonder if
porn stars have people pestering them at parties
to pretend to deliver pizza or make that fuck-face
look they all do on the DVD covers. I know I would.

(Lori Petterson)



I believe God puts people in our lives
for a reason. For example, I believe
He brought me the new receptionist
so I can stare at her tits all day.

(Jim Woodruff)



I think we're spoiled with today's technological
advancements. In fact, when I'm not videoconferencing
or web-chatting, I find myself disappointed at not
being able to say, "Stop staring at my tits, you moron."

(Reba Mandkis)



I sure hope Rapunzel's carpet didn't
match the drapes in length, because
she'd never find pants that fit.

(Michael Cunningham)



Call me a fetishist, but I like my
porn stars to show a little spunk.

(Tyler Mandarich)



I still remember the day in English Second
Language class when we were asked to fill
the blank in the adage, "Absence makes the
_____ grow _____." Turned out that my reply
"penis" and "harder" was not the correct one.

(Maurizio Mariotti)



Sometimes I feel like a nut, and
sometimes I'm more of an ass girl.

(Jilly G.)



Okay, say you fucked your sister...
Just say it. I'm trying to get a
free vacation out of Jerry Springer.

(Lori Petterson)



Life lesson: Never play Naked Quarters
if you don't know what's in the glass
your friends refer to as "The Money Shot."

(Jim Woodruff)



When she told me she would give me the
best blowjob I'd ever had for $20, I told
her to put my money where her mouth is.

(Wiley)



My girlfriend has the best tits EVER.
Don't take my word for it -- ask her husband.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I love those days when you spend the whole
day in your PJs. And my co-workers *really*
love the crotchless silk teddy I'm wearing.

(Jilly G.)



If I masturbated any more, I'd be a teenage boy.
A hot, muscled, hard-bodied teenaged boy. Uh, BRB...

(Jilly G.)



I exercise the same way I make love:
I go all out each and every time. 
So I'm surprised that the guys in
my gym don't appreciate it when I
end my workout with a money shot.

(Jim Woodruff)



I should have known this was a porn
restaurant when they gave me a
peanut fluffer and K-Y Jelly sandwich.

(Jilly G.)



I'm not the kind of girl who whores
herself out for booty calls; with
MY rack, it's all about Titty Calls.

(Jilly G.)



I like my women like I like
my fastballs: high and tight.

(Jim Woodruff)



American girls are okay, I guess, but when
I get ready to settle down, I'll be looking
for a woman who hails from Nicerackistan.

(Ken Foster)



"I do declare, there were times when
I was so lonesome I took some comfort
there." Notice how gentle "cornholing
some chick" sounds in folk music?

(Trevor Rootbier)



I'm not sure who to call -- the patent office?
Not to show my hand too soon, but I think I figured
out a cheap and easy way to make wet tissues at home.

(Travis Ruetenik)



My Asian girlfriend made us dinner last night,
eventually followed by passionate lovemaking.
Nevertheless, I awakened abruptly only an
hour later, with an unsatisfied hunger.
Was it the twice cooked pork, or the
twice porked cook that I was craving?

(Stephen Segall)



I'm just a kid at heart. A huge-titted,
porn-watching, masturbating kid. 

(Jilly G.)



So, exactly who do I have to sleep
with to get a Filthy Rumination
published, anyway? I hope it's Jilly G.

(Wiley)



I'm surprised I've never seen a Facebook status
update reading, "Rubbing one out... typing this with
one hand." Well, I guess SOMEone's gotta do it.

(Derrick Pletton)



If they can't invent a pill that makes
a penis longer, can they maybe invent
one that makes a vagina shallower?

(Kim Moser)



Thank God for Ruminations. I've tried for years to
get Heloise to publish the following hint: "Tired
of sleeping on the wet spot? Keep a hair dryer
plugged in next to the bed. One minute on high is all
it takes to dry that spot up so you can sleep easy."

(S.P.)



I like my coffee like I like my women:
half-digested and culled from
the feces of the Asian Palm Civet.

(Jeffrey Anbinder)



The best part of waking up is not about
coffee in my cup. It's realizing I'm
still young enough to have morning wood.

(Jim Woodruff)



It's tough being on the road so much, away
from my wife and family. However, it helps me
to listen to Journey's "Faithfully" while I'm
driving one home in the Motel 6 cleaning lady.

(Dante Pyron)



Sometimes I let my boyfriend watch
me have an orgasm over my new iPhone.
He loves it, but my husband complains that
it's not easy holding the phone during sex.

(Jilly G.)



Every time I have an orgasm, I complain
and throw a tantrum. I guess I must be
suffering from immature ejaculation.

(Jim Woodruff)



I'll bet the fun of overhearing a voice in your
hotel's hallway say, "I'm gonna get DEEP into
your ass tonight, baby!" would fade pretty
quickly if you then hear your own door click open.

(Press Boyer)



You know you're an over-sexed guy when you
have to quit your job at Krispy Kreme 'cause
you just can't look at one more fucking hole.

(Jilly G.)



Money is tight everywhere, but there are some
things are worth paying more for. For example,
I got this DVD titled "Mothers I Guess I Probably
Would Be Willing to Fuck If I Couldn't Do Any
Better And Was Really Drunk And Knew None
of My Friends Would Ever Find Out About It."
Surprisingly, it was just awful. That's the
last time I buy porn at the dollar store.

(Anthony Myers)



The next time some guy calls me a
cocksucker, I'm gonna stop whatever
I'm doing and let him finish by hand.

(Lori Petterson)



Titty fucking: fun to say,
and even more fun to do!

(Jim Woodruff)



I greeted my husband at the door wearing
nothing but Saran Wrap. But the other bitchy
Wal-Mart greeters told on me and got me fired.

(Jilly G.)



While I appreciate the tribe welcoming me 
into their fold, I knew I was in for a
long night when they put me up in a wigwam
with Splayed with Aching Clitoris.

(Sib Mandrake)



While I appreciate the tribe welcoming me 
into their fold, I knew I was in for a
long night when they put me up in a wigwam
with Splayed with Aching Clitoris.

(Sib Mandrake)



There I was, about to impress this cute girl by
signing an important historical document, when
this dude came in and John Hancock-blocked me.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I thought I was being so "green" by not
wasting water, but my toilet bowl suggests
I'm more of a "putrid orangish yellow."

(Raven Heuppner)



Call me a "cheap ho" all you want -- I'm
still not throwing in the midget for free.

(Jilly G.)



Turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks.
You just have to send her to the Convention
Center beat and pimp her out really cheap.

(Sib Mandrake)



While talking about our relationship,
I told my wife that a pack of wild horses
couldn't drag me away. However, under
cross examination I had to admit that
a pack of wild whores probably could.

(Donald Johnson)



I'll bet Popeye named his pecker "Pimiento."

(Travis Ruetenik)



I think that what really separates women
from men is the unhampered ability to spend
all day looking down at a pair of tits. 

(Jilly G.)



The "Take this job and shove it" concept
certainly got a lot more fun when I took
this position testing 12-inch, 7-levels-
of-intensity, hydraulic vibrators.

(Jilly G.)



I hate it when my Ruminations get demoted
to the lesser-read filthy list just because
at the very end some chick gets titty-fucked.

(Trevor Rootbier)



Frankly, I was a bit surprised at how pissed
the hooker got when I asked her for the WhorFax.

(Sib Mandrake)



Ever notice that the root word of "penis"
is "pen"? It makes sense when you think
about it. Sometimes you really have to
grip it hard and make a lot of tight
little circles to get the ink flowing.

(S.P.)



Whenever I get to the end of a Rumination
by Jilly G., I always pronounce her name
"Jiggle," because I'm thinking she probably does.

(kingneptune)



Freud once said, "Sometimes a cigar
is just a cigar." Does that mean the
rest of the time he was smoking a penis?

(Kim Moser)



It's high time the "two months salary" rule for
engagement rings was updated. My vote goes for
basing it on the breast cup size of the fiancee.
And if they're fake? Cubic zirconia. Fair is fair.

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



I'd never vote for another Bush for
president, but I might be persuaded
to cast one for "Shaved Clam."

(Fred Portia)



I'll bet Superman was an amazing fuck. Well,
except for that faster-than-a-speeding-bullet part.

(Jilly G.) 



My parents are very asexual. I swear the only
times they had sex were when I was conceived,
when my sister was conceived, and that time
Dad shot me in my still-developing fetal eye.

(Quincy Hunnicutt)



The cop said I blew a 08,
but *I* think it was a 10.

(Jilly G.)



I heard Houdini was great at coming out
of a box when you least expected it. Big
deal -- sounds like every man I ever dated.

(Lori Petterson)



I'm a lot like Sheryl Crow, 'cause all I wanna
do is have some fun. I don't, however, want
to bang that bike-racing dude with one nut.

(Jilly G.)



I'm not a fan of trite sayings, but
"It's not who you know, it's who you blow"
sure got me a lot of Girl Scout merit badges.

(Jilly G.)



My guy says he likes me because I'm "funny
with an air of mystery" about me. I'm pretty
sure he means that he likes my huge tits.

(Jilly G.)



I'm always glad the Wal-Mart security guards
smile when they see me coming in the store.
Otherwise, what would be the point
of humping the dressing room mirror?

(Lori Petterson)



My new social networking site seems to be attracting
an awful lot of lesbians. Perhaps I should change
the name to something other than "Clitter."

(Lori Petterson)



The power of language is amazing. For instance,
the one-letter difference between "pastries" and
"pasties" was enough to get me permanently banned
from every Dunkin' Donuts in North America.

(Jilly G.)



Laughter cures everything. Unless
you have a phobia about someone being
amused by the sight of your tiny dick.

(Jilly G.)



Nothing says "Good morning" like bleeding 'rhoids.

(Loyal Barber)



If you ask me, Hallmark's missing out on
the untapped "Happy MILF Day" card market.

(Sib Mandrake)



"At least you're a lesser risk for breast
cancer!" I quipped to the glaring, flat-
chested feminists seconds before I realized
I'd soon be at no risk for testicular cancer.

(Travis Ruetenik)



They say it is better to be pissed off than
to be pissed on. I don't know about that --
it probably depends on your particular fetish.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Every rule has it exception -- even the
Golden Rule. If you enjoy receiving anal
sex, for example, it would be wise to
get permission before you "Do unto others
as you would have others do unto you."

(Ron R. Clark)



Keeping your dignity means both knowing
what to say and knowing what not to say.
That's why I never talk about my
farts, no matter how much they sound
like Donald Duck playing the kazoo.

(Travis Ruetenik)



I like dating really short guys so that when
we get into a fight, I can piss them off by
saying, "We're not currently seeing tit-to-eye."

(Jilly G.)



Okay, he got me for not wearing a seat belt.
But I KNOW he saw the stickshift condom, yet he
still gave me a ticket for reckless driving, too.

(Maripat Elroy)



Isn't it funny that the grandmother in
"Little Red Riding Hood" was upset about
being eaten by the wolf? There are people
who strategically place peanut butter on
their genitalia to try to entice the same
effect out of household pets. Just sayin'.

(Lori Petterson)



Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstinence makes the part grow longer.

(Swen W. Dawes)



She loves me... She loves me not...
She loves me... She loves me not...
Hell, as long as she keeps putting
out and doesn't divorce me, what
fucking difference does it make?!

(Phil Schwa)



I always look at the positives, not
the negatives. Today I'm grateful
for the 99.9% of the time my anus
knows the difference between a
gas and another state of matter.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Just another Sunday night at my house:
Working through a sixer of St. Pauli Girl
and rubbing a few out to the logo.

(Garrison Drury)



Gorgeous as they are, I'm nevertheless
terrified of looking at my girlfriend's
breasts. Maybe I have A-rack-nophobia.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Ruminations are a lot like farts:
You always like your own the best.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Something tells me it's not a good
thing when the hooker first tells you
there's "absolutely no way" she'll do
anal, then sees your penis and says,
"Oh, with THAT? Sure. No problem."

(Monte Sullivan)



The worst part about a hooker
with an iPhone? Everything you
suggest, she's got a clap for that.

(Sib Mandrake)



I'll stop masturbating when they pry my
cock from my cold dead hands. Or vice versa.

(John "Schmitty" )Schmidt



I love online sex. It gives me the
chance to play the sex kitten, coming
on to guys and driving them into frenzies
that end in loud, intense orgasms --
all while wearing my granny panties.

(Jilly G.)



Of all the movie lines I’ve quoted
in an effort to pick up a guy, City
Slickers' "I shit bigger than you"
is probably my least successful.

(Jilly G.)



My new girlfriend is very talented:
After oral sex she blows semen bubbles
then twists them into balloon animals!

(James Knowles)



My man wanted to fuck me missionary-style.
WTF? He knows I'm not religious.

(Jilly G.)



There's a job opening at the tampon
factory. If you're interested,
I think I can pull a few strings.

(Rick Livingston)



The problem with being a scat freak with
a cold is that nobody knows what to think when
you tell them you feel like fucking shit.

(Trevor Rootbier)



Money can't buy happiness. Except the kind
of happiness that can be found with multiple
orgasms brought on by well-made vibrators.

(Jilly G.)



I keep asking my personal waxer if
he'd ever consider going out with me,
but he just keeps giving me lip service.

(Reba Mandkis)



If they were serious about marketing hair care
products to men, they'd promote a shampoo that
"conditions in the time it takes to rub one out."

(Felix B. Knight)



There I was, twisted up in an erotic sexual 
pose, while at the same time lamenting the
deeds of my past and wondering what punishment
I might have to suffer in the future. Alas, such
is the paradox of my religion, the Karma Sutra.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



Those damn IT security Nazis!
What I do in my free time with my laptop
is between me and the cleaning lady
who digs the tissues out of my trash bin.

(Trevor Rootbier)



I guess it's my fault; I kept telling
my girlfriend I wanted to see her get
nasty and sweaty with another woman.
But hair-pulling on "Jerry Springer"
wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Hey, if my boyfriend's penis could
spurt chocolate, I'd never take
the damn thing OUT of my mouth.

(Jilly G.)



Want to impress your architect girlfriend?
Shave your pubes to look like the buildings
surrounding the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

(James Knowles)



I've found that a good way to get out
of a boring staff meeting well in
advance is to warn all parties about the
potential of a "brutal mudbutt incident."

(Sib Mandrake)



I'd love it if some strippers banded together
for a "Tits For a Cure" fundraiser/awareness
project for some kind of disease or cause or
something. I could sure get on board with that.

(Roman Meeks)



I like my bloody marys like I like
my women: with a little pickle in 'em!

(Trevor Rootbier)



Sometimes when I'm in the shower, all hot, wet
and naked, soaping up my breasts and having
fun with the showerhead, I try and think of
ways to incorporate that scene into a filthy
Rumination. Unfortunately, no luck so far.

(Jilly G.)



I think that woman at the animal shelter is
overreacting. I never said I wanted to adopt
a kitten; I said I wanted a little pussy.

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)



So which is worse: Telling your wife that her
86-year-old great aunt "accidentally" touched
your junk when you were pity-dancing with her
at the wedding reception, or that you cut off
your johnson with a plastic knife in the
reception hall's bathroom in order to make sure
such a nightmarish vignette never plays out again?

(Sib Mandrake)



I'm a pad gal, myself.
Tampons are for pussies.

(Deliliah Randolph)



I was putting on my shoes when my hands
were full and I had to sort of artfully
slip my heel in several times until it
felt just right. That's when I thought
to myself: This is a lot like fucking.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Lifting up my bra in New Orleans should have
gotten me a standing ovation, but "that don't
help the houses get built!" according to my
douchebag Habitat for Humanity supervisor.

(Reba Mandkis)



You know when you send a stupid email, then
have to immediately send another saying,
"Oops, I hit send too soon!"? Well, I like to
instead write, "Oops, I was playing with my
clit and clicked the wrong button!" That way,
they totally forget about the stupid email.

(Jilly G.)



My boyfriend ran out on me. Luckily
I'd used rechargeable batteries.

(Jilly G.)



In retrospect, I shouldn't have screamed
and fled the room. I'm pretty sure now
that she wasn't a cannibal after all
and was probably just trying to be sexy
when she said, "I want you inside me."

(Anthony Myers)



I'd like to be crowned Ms. Filthy Ruminations.
Instead of a sash, I think I'd wear some
crotchless panties and sparkly pasties.
Now who do I bribe to get the title?

(Jilly G.)



I wonder if the guy who invented the vibrator
heard a strange little voice whispering
to him: "Build it and they will cum."

(Doug Frank)



If you're ever of a mind to use a little saliva of
your T.P. to blunt the scratch of it across your
ass, you might want to stay focused on the whole
"lick, wipe, lick, wipe" order of the event chain.

(Frank D. Tanner)



Another Easter, another weekend spent
tied to some guy's bed performing oral.

(Jilly G.)



One comparison I can make between my latest
bowel movement and the series of "Batman"
movies they made back in the 1990s: They
both went on a lot longer than I expected.

(Travis Ruetenik)



My boyfriend wants me to be more vocal and
talk dirty to him when we're having sex.
Problem is, I don't talk with my mouth full.

(Jilly G.)



I tried forever to find it, but ultimately gave
up and told the clerk at Lowe's "I need caulk."

(Nick Smith)



Yelling through the bathroom stall partition,
I asked my regular glory hole chick if she
would be interested in taking things to the
next level, but she just gave me lip service.

(Barnaby Young)



I guess until I actually said it, it
never seemed anything *but* complimentary
to tell her that she tasted "vulvalicious."

(Sib Mandrake)



My wife and I just love experimenting in
the kitchen! Last week we tried deviled
eggs flavored with orange zest and Thai
sriracha sauce. The week before that
I banged her on the top dishwasher rack
while she shoved a wire whisk up my ass.

(Trevor Rootbier)



Don't you hate it when you get that
not-so-fresh feeling and you're miles
away from the ladies' room and your
panties are bunching up and on top of
everything else, your balls itch, too?

(Travis Ruetenik)



I think my boyfriend was upset about the
anatomically correct snow replica I sculpted
of him. Maybe it was that baby carrot.

(Jilly G.)



It finally dawned on me that I had a sex
addiction when I found myself asking the pharmacist
what I could use to treat penis calluses.

(Sib Mandrake)



If I were a woman, I'd want to be a
lesbian so I could still be turned
down by women I want to sleep with.
Over the years I've gotten pretty good
at handling that kind of rejection.

(Tim H. Richweis)



I'm sick of lying in bed and playing
with myself all day long. I suppose I
need to find someone to do that for me.

(Jilly G.)



I'm developing a "super fast-acting" laxative
for all of us ultra-busy people. So far
I only have the marketing campaign: 
"Colonow -- 'cause you got shit to do!"

(Sib Mandrake)



All of my men know the Rule of Tits:
I have the tits; therefore, I rule.

(Jilly G.)



My wife can't figure out why I love staying
up late to do our taxes. What she doesn't
know is that my process involves writing
"I.R.S." on the forehead of a blow-up doll
and repeatedly ramming it in the ass.

(Sib Mandrake)



You wanna see Richter scale action?
Try me, on a trampoline, braless.

(Jilly G.)



Pickup lines do NOT work. Last night, eight
different women laughed at me and all I said
to each was that I thought she was beautiful
and that she'd probably look even better crumpled
up in a pile on the floor next to my bed.

(Tim H. Richweis)



At first I wanted my son to become the
best golfer in the world so he could become
rich and respected. Now I want him to become
the best golfer in the world so he can
introduce me to some lusciously sweet hos.

(Sib Mandrake)



Never hire a hooker named Crabby.
Anyway you look at it, it's going to
suck -- and not in the good way, either.

(Michael Cunningham)



I can't believe that dude was offended when
I asked him if he enjoyed doing doggy styles.
I guess pet groomers are just thin-skinned.

(Stephanie S Thompson)



I like chicks unshaven down there.
No woman who can't even support a colony
of crab lice is gonna raise MY kids.

(Trevor Rootbier)



Of all the knee joints in all the world,
why did he have to cum all over mine?

(Jilly G.)



In MY version of "The Wizard of Oz," the
Wizard tosses the Cowardly Lion a silken
sack full of golden testicles and says,
"Here, now you've got a pair, you big pussy!"

(Travis Ruetenik)



I've always felt that the breakfast hummer
was the most important blowjob of the day.

(Sib Mandrake)



I can never remember the trucker grammatical
rule. Is it "fuck" before "shit" except
after "cocksucker," or the other way around?

(James Knowles)



I'd imagine one of the cooler aspects of working
in a crime lab is that you could tell with 99.916%
accuracy what douchenozzle co-worker keeps
shedding his corkscrew pubes all over the urinal.

(Sib Mandrake)



"There's no 'i' in team," my boss told me.
I smugly pointed out to him that there's
no "i" in "Fuck you, asshole" either.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



I suppose the hardest part of being
a hermaphrodite would be remembering not
to flush your tampons down the urinal.

(Sib Mandrake)



I love it when you say things at work that
can sound dirty, like "When do you get off?"
or "Hey, wanna fuck me on the copier?"

(Jilly G.)



Rap version:
If I had a hammer,
I'd hammer in the morning,
I'd hammer in the evening,
All over this motherfucker.

(Travis Ruetenik)



Usually when I jot something down on my hand
as a reminder, it's along the lines of, "Because
of the infected calluses, use Lefty this week."

(Sib Mandrake)



I think gratuitous profanity
sucks Satan's hairy ballsack.

(Travis Ruetenik)



If I had a penis, I'd probably spend hours
perfecting that "thwap" noise I'd want it
to make when I hit it against my girlfriend.

(Jilly G.)



I was relieved when my co-worker told me
my fly was open so I could quickly zip up.
I only wish she had warned me about my
protruding, twitching member beforehand, too.

(Sib Mandrake)



I got in trouble at the PTA meeting for
suggesting "Wild, Hot and Horny" as the them
for the pre-school auction. Those fucking
pervs -- I was talking about desert deer.

(Jilly G.)



My boyfriend told me, "I want to take
a picture of my cock between the twins."
WTF? I'm not so sure I want my niece
and nephew that close to a rooster!

(Jilly G.)



Well, the test results are back, and it
turns out you *can* get a disease from
a toilet seat -- especially if you have
sex with a heroin-addicted hooker on it.

(Sib Mandrake)



Suffering depression in today's culture
can be rougher than ever. Some days I
feel about as small as Lady GaGa's penis.

(Sib Mandrake)



Tip for the guys: If you're hung like a mouse,
don't get waxed; the technician may mistake
your member for an unusually tough pube.

(James Knowles)



Did you know that there are 47 distinct
ways to masturbate? Thanks, Wankepedia!

(Sib Mandrake)



I don't know if "Topless Webcamming"
can be considered a skill, but what
the fuck, it's going on the resume.

(Jilly G.)



When your girlfriend has a sore throat,
it's probably not a good idea to offer
your manhood as a soothing lozenge.
Not so much because it's inconsiderate,
but because the prospect of catching
strep-penis sounds quite unpleasant.

(S.P.)



Some words just don't sound like what they mean.
For instance, "Kalashnikov" is surely some kind
of sexual perversion. And if "autofellatio"
isn't the name of a weapon, it oughta be.

(Jan L)



Whenever I cum during sex, I like to
say "Thank you" to my boyfriend.
He appreciates it and says it makes
it feel like he was in the room.

(Jilly G.)



The worst part of giving a handjob
is getting his pubes stuck in my
freshly applied nail polish.

(Jilly G.)



I came, I saw, I came again.
This porno theater is cool!

(Jilly G.)



It seems reasonable to think that a "crap shoot" and
a "poop shoot" are pretty much the same thing, but
it turns out that they aren't. Also, sometimes when
something happens in Vegas, word spreads to Atlantic City.

(Scott E. Frank)



Consumer advice: They cost a little more,
but go ahead and spend the extra cash and
get Famous Amos brand cookies. The generic
knock-off Famous Anus Cookies taste like ass.

(Anthony Myers)



A poet once asked "What's in a name?" as a
way of teaching others to not make superficial
judgments. Still, if the name is "Mother Fucking
Douche Bag Asswipe III," I think it would be
safe to make at least a few assumptions.

(Jim Woodruff)



I think I'd get more Ruminations published
if I started using a subject line of
something other than "Get a bigger dick."

(Dwight Burke)



I taught my testicles to sing the
blues. It kinda makes sense, as that's
the color they are most of the time.

(James Knowles)



It's really cool that my breasts can produce milk,
but I'll bet if they could produce Mountain Dew,
I'd have every rich Internet geek all over my shit.

(Jilly G.)



At first I was put off when she invited me
back to her place and it reeked of urine.
Then when she told me that she doesn't
have pets, I was totally turned on.

(Hiram Westphal)



Just my luck, I picked up the *karma*
sutra book instead of the *kama* sutra.
I guess what cums around goes around.

(Stephanie S. Thompson)



I know it's called a blow JOB, but I really
don't think the interview was necessary.

(Jilly G.)



After months and months of begging, I finally
got to see my long-distance girlfriend's
amazing naked body via webcam today. Now I
just pray she doesn't find the hidden camera.

(Tim H. Richweis)



Note to self: It's not "boner-fide" opportunity.
Follow-up note to self: Who cares? I got the job!

(Jilly G.)






© 1998-2011.  All rights reserved.
Ruminations is owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.




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